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Is this commitment phobia? Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?


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My b/f and I were seeing each other about 7 mos. and recently broke up. I am hurt and just need to "vent".

 

A little background on us: We have been friends for over 8 years and I was attracted to him almost immediately, but he was married at the time so I never said anything. Since then, he divorced (six years ago) and I got married, (ironically enough at about the same time.) Now, after 5 years of marriage to a man with a drinking problem, I am also divorced. (I thought I could fix him, big mistake.)

 

During this time we always remained friends. Last fall, he was flirting w/ me and asked what he had to do to get me to go out with him? I told him to find my # and call, like normal guys do, (teasingly) I was happily surprised when he called the NEXT day, a little impressed too, as I had just moved and he had to put some effort into finding my#. We made plans to go out.

 

I was scared to get into anything too serious as I was just divorced and his divorce was painful too, so we discussed the fact he is busy, I am busy, we both have kids to take care of etc. We agreed we would see each other exclusively, but take it slow. (Keep in mind we had a great friendship on the line too.)

 

Here we are months later, and I'm thinking everything is going well, and he tells me he thinks I should move on to someone who has more time for me, I deserve better blah, blah. We never argued, he did say several times he felt badly about not being able to spend more time w/ me. We were seeing each other once a week or so and I was fine with that, which I kept telling him. He does work f/t and also owns rental properties that he maintains himself, and has kids. The kids limit our time because we agreed until we were further along we would not do the introductions. We both work w-ends (opposite) and have our kids opposite w-ends so that left very little time. We just kept in touch and planned accordingly. One day at a time, nice and slow.

 

The problem is, I became pretty attached to him, he was always kind to me, we had fun together, never had any arguments, etc. It was refreshing to date someone who behaved like an adult and treated me with respect. At some point I would have liked more, but I was in no hurry, he was very hurt by his divorce so I knew he was a little gun-shy too. But I was shocked when he told me "we should end it because I just didn't feel right about not seeing you more and while you are being very patient now, what about a year from now, would you break it off then, just like my ex did? I think I just need to be alone for now."

 

I am trying to understand what may have caused this, but just keep coming up with more questions, no answers. Friends and family for the most part just say get over it, move on. I have been looking at r'ship messase boards, etc. to connect w/people who may have been in a similar sit. I've been through some bad endings, so I know there are several possibilties for him doing this, letting me down easy, there may be someone else, he's commitment phobic etc., but since he has always been honest and open with me, I don't believe he's trying to let me down easy, he would just say that it is not working for him. He literally has no time for it to be someone else, and I have made an extra effort not to push things too quickly.

 

My questions are: Does he just need some time? Is there a chance we could get back together? Or am I just in denial and need to face the facts?

 

For right now, I am doing the N/C thing, it's been 6 days. My feeling is it can't hurt. I'm not going to push him even further away by begging and crying. (though I am hurt and have done alot of crying.) I wish he would call, but in the meantime I am keeping myself busy.

 

What are your thoughts?

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By the way your post sounds, I think maybe he does need some time...Maybe he is insecure over his past relationships,and doesnt want to take the chance on getting hurt again...No one would...

Give him some time, let him do his thing, and work on himself, then maybe he'll come back to you?

Another thing, maybe you should tell him?? That you understand he needs some time, but you'll be there if he needs you?? Just an idea...

Good Luck

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Thank you for your ideas! Like I said I will give him some time to think about things, I don't want to see anyone else, and I don't NEED to see someone else. This person really means alot to me, he truly is a great guy.

I told him to give me a call if he wanted to talk, so far nothing. He is probably going to be hesitant to call as I did cry when we split, and that made him feel bad. I know I had every right to, but I also believe he didn't want to hurt me.

I'm not sure about this N/C thing, I agree with letting him contact me when HE's ready, so I know this matters to him and I wasn't some passing fancy, but on the other hand, what if he thinks I am avoiding him because I'm angry?

Sooner or later, one of us has to break, right? For now, I think I will wait. I've played doormat too many times and been burned. Let go and let God, right? That's sooooo easy to say..............

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Well so much for will power, ended up calling him. I got his v-mail and said "I just called to say hi, see how you are doing, give me call sometime".

I could kick myself, now I just feel more frustrated by the whole situation. See, I actually called earlier, but blocked the call. Surprise! He answered! I hung up, didn't really know what to say. Then, feeling like an idiot, called again later (didn't block this one) and I got the v-mail. Now I wonder if he's screening his calls?

Anyway, all he knows is I called once and left the message. I still feel pretty weak for having called in the first place though.

This is about the MOST pathetic thing I've ever done!!!

It has been a long weekend, my daughter is away@ Grandma's and I've had too much time to think about things. For me, would have been easier if he had dumped me for someone else, I could just get angry and get over it. This has been very difficult, I keep thinking (and over-analyzing) everything that has happened. I keep going back and forth between having faith and feeling like it's hopeless. Am I losing it????

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Well I don't know if N/C really works, I see him at work once in a while and I'm not going to ignore him, SO......I saw him at work Wed. and said hi--he said hi and asked how I've been, what's new? Nothing big, but it was nice to talk to him and I was a lot more relaxed than I thought I would be...

 

THEN after I left work he called me at home. Again small talk, about work, our kids, talked about the prior weekend what each of us did, and then he asked what I was doing for the 4th? I didn't have any plans so I told him I wasn't sure yet....He said he had his kids Fri and Sat., after that he wasn't sure either. I ALMOST got the feeling he wanted to ask me to do something, but I left the ball in his court.

 

I am really bummed about this, wish I knew if he ever thinks of me, and why did he call? Does he really give a S***? OR is he just trying to relieve any guilt he may be feeling?

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This sounds alot like my situation and I am really confused by it too. My guy at first was so eager and attentive and now he also is suggesting that I start looking around for someone else. He says he just can't get too close. I think in my situation, he is afraid if he gets too close, he will fall in love and that is almost equivelant to a commitment and that scares him. I have assured him over and over I am not looking for a commitment of any kind from him, but yet he still says we can't keep seeing each other, because he is not ready to get too close to anyone right now. HUH????? I have told him that this totally confuses me, because I am just wanting to enjoy his company. Could this be what your guy is feeling perhaps?

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I don't know. We both agreed we were going to take it easy, one day at a time. We never talked about any type of commitment, so to speak, but we did say that we were exclusive. There is just no other way for me....I don't need a ring or anything else, but if I am sleeping with you it is JUST you! and vice versa... How do people do that???? It's just asking for trouble!

Anyway back on track, my guy and I were talking about being afraid to get too close to someone after going through divorce, and he looked at me and said "I never thought I'd let you get so close, but I'm glad I did.", and then kissed me!

He never outright said he was afraid of commitment. I know he is very stressed out right now. He is very busy with work and his houses, and his daughter(17) may be moving in with him, so I know he's got alot on his plate.

The thing that bothers me the most is he never gave it a chance. I'm not one of these, I'll do anything for you types, I do have a life of my own, but he never bothered to ask me or consider maybe there was a way I could help. Things get stressful for everyone, sometimes TEAMWORK helps, whether it be from a girlfriend, friend, brother, RIGHT?

I honestly don't know what the deal is, I am still pretty upset, still asking myself all these ??? and still no answers, just alot of theories, half of which I hope are wrong.

 

Don't know if that really helps you, but I'm sure you feel alot of the confusion I do, how long ago was this for you? How long were you together?

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Wow did our men go to the same school? I can so relate to your situation as I'm close to the same. We have dated for about 10 months - things were going great - we are both divorced, both have kids, both have busy jobs but we saw each other every couple of weeks and that worked for us. Then he moved closer to me and all of a sudden the calls stopped - brakes were applied big time and I didn't know why. He was always the pursuer - it worked - I would call now and then and suggest getting together sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. Well today I mustered the courage to call and find out what is going on - is there still an interest or would he rather part company? And to tell you the truth I really never did know what we had - I knew we were exclusive although it was never defined as such in a conversation but did we have a relationship? I don't know? Guess it is what his definition of relationship is and I was always too afraid to ask (how mature is that?). Anyways he admitted tonight he new that question was going to come up but that he (yep here it is) is too afraid of any type of committment right now. I totally understand as I certainly am not looking for a walk down the aisle anytime soon but that it is nice to have someone to do things with now and then.

 

And maybe you are right - maybe this is where your friends stands - maybe he is too afraid to ever share his life totally again with another woman. That part I can relat to - sharing my life with another man on an every day basis - I had so much taken away from me after an 18 year marriage that I don't know if that level of trust is there for me to ever be that vulnerable again. I like the fact that we get together, go out, we are intimate but the thought of both of us living under the same roof scares the crap out of me. I'm set in my ways, I can finally do things the way I want to do them and I'm too afraid of a relationship where that all gets mucked up with.

 

I'm really sorry you are in this spot but don't beat yourself up for calling him. Heck I would gather you parted as friends. I agree begging and pleading will only send him running but a call now and then just to say hi may open the doors for slowly going out again. And heck - he called - may have gotten cold feet in asking you out on the weekend but the interest is still there. To me it sounds like he is very confused - you may have grabbed at his heart strings and even though he may have said that he wants you to move on - reality is he may not want that but instead the opposite.

 

You even said you arent' ready to start dating someone else so give it time, give him some time, maybe invite him for a drink or lunch down the road and see how the waters are at that time.

 

I so know exactly how you feel right now!! It is the pits! Heck dating again after 18 years of marriage is the pits. The rules have changed! Trying to figure out where a relationship actually begins - what defines that is driving me nuts!

 

Sorry I got long winded - keep us posted okay! And remember - your family and friends just don't want to see you hurt - do what works best for you on your timeline.

 

Missy10

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Not sure if our men went to the same school, but it sounds like our Relationships??? came from the same "playbook"!!!!

It sounds like you have the same opinions about anything long term as I do. It's great having someone to go out with, etc. but as far as any permanent arrangement, not at this point in my life. I got out of a long term/turned marriage mess (14 yrs total) about 18 mos. ago and quite honestly enjoy MY space (with my daughter, of course.)

I have forgiven myself for the calling, in retrospect, the one call was blocked so he won't even know, and the other 2 times I left simple how are you, how's your day going messages. No pleading or whining, and he did call, so... Like I said earlier, I will not call daily or anything but in our case I don't think N/C is the answer. There must be a balance there somewhere right?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. Hope time and patience are good to you. That is where I need help PATIENCE---cause limbo just isn't working very well...

Please write again, you sound like a great person, sorry we met this way!!! Take care of you first and foremost.

Btw, I know my fam and friends hate to see me hurt like this, but you'd think I'd have some upper hand as I was BLESSED with three BROTHERS!!!!!!!!

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Hi - I hear you on the patience thing. I do okay for a while and then my mind starts to analyze. I think part of my problem is I really don't know what I want. My kids are young and I'm very protective of them as far as imaging another man in their life. Their dad lives out of state so they don't get to see him much. As I said, my relationship now with him works because I don't have time to have someone else in my life 24/7 but on the other hand something more than every 3 weeks would be nice too.

 

I am so new to this dating scene and what is defined as a "mate with benefits", casual dating, relationship - to me if you are going out now and then and are intimate that to me is a form of a relationship but so often that word scares the crap out of men. (sorry guys). Am I wrong?

 

Enjoy your Tuesday - it was nice to meet you as well. Perhaps we can help each other through this troubled time. I hope he comes around!

 

Missy10

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The really ironic thing about this for me is I only agreed to see him because I already knew him, he and I were both aware (somewhat) of each others past circumstances. I knew he didn't want anything very serious and I felt that was perfect, I was just entering the dating world again after 14 years and didn't know WHAT to expect, just like you.

I do enjoy being on my own, after the marriage I was in, I actually breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer have to deal with some of those problems. The trouble is sometimes it's nice to have someone to hang out with, watch movies, whatever. I don't NEED a man to survive, but let's admit it, it feels good to be "wanted". I believe anyone who says no is a liar.

I'm not sure about the definitions of types of relationships, it seems to be a big gray blur, actually. Could someone help us out here???

I think the key here is to decide what YOU want or need from someone and communicate it very clearly!

If somewhere down the road you feel differently, discuss it again, bottom line is be true to yourself.

Now who am I to give this advice? I was just fine with things the way they were. I don't know what gave him the idea I was unhappy.

I still ride the rollercoaster myself, wondering if he really ended it for the reasons he says, I wonder if he thinks about this at all? The truth is I may never know, all I can do for now is take care of the other things that matter in my life.

I am giving him some time, keeping some contact, and we'll just see what happens from here.

But that's today, tomorrow I could be crying my eyes out. Oh well!!! Someone told me to take it one day at a time, and if that's too hard try an hour............

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Did he communicate a lot with you prior to his last talk? Unfortunately, we didn't - we seemed to skirt tail around the most important issues. I didn't want to confront him too early of us going out as I didn't want to seem to aggressive - kind of wanted to see what direction things went before causing him to run the other way. We, too, new each other many years ago and got reaquanted last year. Which was a comfortable state - I trusted him right off the bat and still do. We just need to learn to communicate better and I need to keep my expectations low provided they fall into what I want out of life. For now it works.

 

Busy day at work - I'm beat!

 

Missy10

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We talked almost daily, not about "the relationship" or "where are we", just kept it light. I didn't feel any need to push for more than what we had. I knew we were exclusive and at this point, that is all I expected.

I knew he was busy going in to this, so there were even days when I knew we wouldn't talk/see each other at all. Once in a while I would call his voice mail and say I know you're busy, just wanted to say hi and have a great day!! This was supposed to be cute, perhaps it felt like pressure to him?

The last time we talked before the split was 2 days prior. Nothing seemed wrong, he talked about stuff he did w/his kids over the w-end, asked what I did, he did seem a little quiet, but I figured he was just getting burned out, he recently had 3 houses vacant and was doing various work on all 3, besides working 5 twelve hour days straight at our work, so I didn't really question it.... Boy, do I have questions now.....

 

How are things going for you????

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Our relationships were pretty much identical - conversations were kept light - nothing deep and heavy which I was okay with but I would like to get to know his life better than the basic how was your day, how are your kids. I'll see him in a couple of days so we will see how he reacts and watch his body language.

 

I don't know that your voice mails were pressure - you kept it light and upbeat you weren't calling every hour to see what he was up to. Now that would be pressure!

 

Hang in there!

 

Missy10

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I'm still hanging in there, sometimes I get so discouraged, wondering if I was just used, or if he truly had any feelings for me. I actually have tried to make myself think the worst so I can just get angry and get over it, but in a minute or two, I remember the sweet things he did and I can't get myself to believe he used me.

If he was using me, would it have gone on for 7 months? I would think he'd move on to the next flavor of the month???

Would he have called me at 4:30am to be the first to wish me a Happy Birthday? We start work at 5 am, so no this wasn't extreme...I thought it was very sweet, in fact.

There are just things he did and said that dont=fling.

You are very fortunate to be able to meet w/your man, body language says ALOT. Hope you are able to get some questions answered.

That's one thing that bothered me about our break-up, it ended over the phone. I'm sure he didn't want to see me cry, but I wish I could have seen his expressions, to see if it was hurting him too. It sounded like it but.....

Still haven't heard from him--sent him text on Sun, just said Happy 4th, see any fireworks??? Called on Mon. and left a message Hey Bum!! Give me a call! No response to either..havent talked to him since 6/30.

Breakup was 6/21 2 weeks and it still feels like 10 minutes ago

 

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Well I saw him today - he catered an event for me - personally made all the food - it was fabulous! I was so excited to see him and he did such a great job - can't wait to let him know how well it was received. It was way too short though - no future dates, no when can I see you next.

 

Oh well my expectations are low so that's the way it will remain!

 

Missy10

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You seem a bit happier today! Maybe you didn't set up a next time, but was it nice to at least see him?? and it sounds like you will be in contact again soon, so you can let him know how it went, right? Maybe today just wasn't the right time or place to get too personal, perhaps when it is just you two on the phone???

 

Still feeling kinda down today, haven't heard from him or seen him since last Wed. We both had the holiday off etc. We both work tom. I'm sure I'll see him, but I'm not sure how to react at this point. This feeling that he never gave a rip just keeps gnawing at me. I'm curious to see if he will talk to me or if he is now avoiding me. I'll just keep going one day at a time, but whatever happens tomorrow, he will have to initiate. I tried to contact him twice this week and got no response, maybe he's hoping I'll take a big fat hint???

 

Sorry about all the negativity, not enough sleep lately!! I'll try for a better tomorrow!!!!!

Have a great day TGIF!!!

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well my opinion is tomorrow you have to be as cool as a cucumber, look your best, act as if nothing is wrong (and you will win the gold emmy!) For now I would back off the calls - he knows where you are. He needs to really miss you and I think he will - just need to muster up some patience - LOL see you in the patience aisle at your local discount store!

 

He did kiss me goodbye which surprised me. He said he would call me tomorrow to see how it was received but I also have to return all the dishes that he brought. Then that will be it until he makes the next move if he does?

 

Off to dreamland. I'm exhausted!

 

Missy10

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Just got home from WalMart, nope, NO patience aisle.

Today was kinda difficult, I knew I'd see him and as I mentioned, wasn't sure how I was going to react. I saw him 2 mins after I got to work and FROZE..... it was almost like he was waiting for me to pass by...every emotion ran through me at about 100 mph. Lucky for me I checked your post right before I left for work, and "cool as a cucumber" got stuck..Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! We just smiled and waved hi..

It seems ridiculous, a man I was intimate with, and now I can barely handle a ten second hello with him??

 

Any contact on your end??? Sounds like you have a few opportunities to talk to him soon. I think it's great he gave you a kiss good-bye and mentioned he would call. It seems he is still interested in keeping some contact, may not be as much as before, but it is SOMETHING to possibly build on VERY SLOWLY of course.

 

At the end of the day, my guy walked up and said "you need to smile more, you look better that way"

Something he used to say to me when we first became friends... Not sure how to interpret it right now. So, like you also said, I smiled my best smile. He got paged and had to go, so it was left at that. Hope I gave him something to think about...........

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You go girl! You did perfect even though it may not seem like it - you did give him something to think about! I agree with you though - it is amazing - I too feel like we are meeting again for the first time and starting over - all the intimacy we had seems lost in space somewhere. Just curious but did you happen to read startingagain's posts to me on another thread here - something to do with fwb's - he gave some great insight that is worth reading. Kind of difficult to digest but it is an honest opinion from a guy.

 

My kids and I got away for a while - went up north to stay with a girlfriend in her time share. Did some antiquing, ate way too much - it was good for me to get my mind off of everything.

 

Keep me posted - feels like we are back in 7th grade doesn't it?

 

Missy10

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Then he moved closer to me and all of a sudden the calls stopped - brakes were applied big time and I didn't know why. He was always the pursuer - it worked - I would call now and then and suggest getting together sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. Well today I mustered the courage to call and find out what is going on - is there still an interest or would he rather part company? And to tell you the truth I really never did know what we had - I knew we were exclusive although it was never defined as such in a conversation but did we have a relationship? I don't know? Guess it is what his definition of relationship is and I was always too afraid to ask (how mature is that?). Anyways he admitted tonight he new that question was going to come up but that he (yep here it is) is too afraid of any type of committment right now.

 

I also dated this guy.

 

After eight months, I walked away. It hurt like hell, but in retrospect was the best thing I ever did. Commitment phobes don't change, no matter how wonderful you are. It is their problem and has absolutely nothing to do with you. If this is what you want to deal with forever, the back and forth, the "can't commit," etc., then by all means keep trying. But if you want more and want a "normal" relationship, leave now.

 

Two books that are wonderful are He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Commit. Both of these books totally opened my eyes -- I saw my relationship on every page.

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Clia: Thanks for your post! I know you are right - just not quite there yet to cut the cord. Not sure why? Maybe because its a security blanket for me in a way - I'm not ready for a full fledged in my life 24/7 relationship but on the other hand want affirmation that its me he cares about. He was married twice - do you think that is a lot of it. Fear of rejection for a 3rd time thus can't commit?

 

May I ask how he handled it or was he flippant about it and perhaps relieved? (no offense to you).

 

THanks again

Missy10

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May I ask how he handled it or was he flippant about it and perhaps relieved? (no offense to you).

 

This is what happened: he pursued me really hard for about six months -- I mean, he called every day, wanted to see me all the time, introduced me to his family and friends -- basically, it was a "perfect" relationship. We didn't fight about anything, had great sex, had a great time together, etc. We never had an exclusivity discussion, but neither one of us were dating anyone else. I began to notice that he always referred to me as his "friend" -- not his "girlfriend." At first I just ignored it -- who cares about terminology anyway, right?

 

About six months in, he started to pull back. The calls became less frequent, he seemed to care a lot less about seeing me, etc. But then when we did see each other he would act as though everything was normal. It was very, very weird. But he had a lot going on at work, etc., I made every excuse for him. I don't want to go into specifics, but there was a definite turning point event, which created the need for me to know what was going on with us. So, I asked.

 

I didn't think it was a big deal -- like you, I wasn't looking to get married anytime soon. I just wanted to know that we were in a relationship and were working toward something. I.e., that I was not wasting my time and that we were on the same page with things.

 

He flipped out. All I asked him is whether or not we were in a committed relationship. Was he my boyfriend? He could not deal with it. He basically told me that he had problems with commitment (his fiancee had left him for another man, about four years before), and he didn't know if he could commit to me. I was absolutely floored. Like I said (and mentioned to him), I wasn't asking him to marry me! So then he said that he wanted to casually see me, but didn't know if he could commit. I gave him an ultimatum -- I basically said either you commit or this is over. (I mean, this is the eight month point. People meet and get married in less time!) He told me he needed to think about it. I didn't hear from him for two weeks. Finally, he called me and said that he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to be in a committed relationship. I said okay, then this is goodbye.

 

That's it. Never heard from him again after that phone call. It was shocking and devastating to me -- here is a guy who introduced me to his family, took me home to visit his parents, called all the time, we had a fantastic time together...and he was so absolutely separate from his emotions that he could just walk away without a second glance.

 

So, to answer your question, I think he was relieved. After it hit a certain point in time, I think he realized that both me and society expect a relationship to move forward to some stage of commitment, and he was incapable of doing that. By releasing him into the universe, he got to go on and find the next woman who he could date for six months or so and then drop when the heat got too strong. And that's what he did -- I heard that his relationship after mine ended for the same reasons.

 

Maybe because its a security blanket for me in a way - I'm not ready for a full fledged in my life 24/7 relationship but on the other hand want affirmation that its me he cares about.

 

I know this feeling! It's so much of a yo-yo, though, that for me the security feeling wasn't even worth it anymore because I was thinking and worrying so much about what was going on with the relationship. He really may care about you a lot -- but that doesn't matter. Like I said, his fears have absolutely nothing to do with you or how wonderful you are. It's all him.

 

He was married twice - do you think that is a lot of it. Fear of rejection for a 3rd time thus can't commit?

 

It could be. I don't know.

 

Definitely check out the books I recommended -- I found them really enlightening when I was going through all this.

 

Oh, and there should be a correction in my last post: The second books is called Men Who Can't Love. :)

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