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Taking it slow to build up a good friendship, but next?


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Hey everyone, I'm looking for a bit of advice here.

 

Here is the thing. I'm 25 years old. Never been in a relationship, and I have been actively looking for a relationship since last September. Back in January I met this girl who is now 22 years old. Back then I was trying to date other girls, and I did not see her as someone to have a relationship with, but over a few months we did become good friends.

 

She was also dating someone else, after having been in a number of terrible, terrible relationships. I shared a lot with her about my dating experiences, she shared a lot of hers. And then, after a few months when both our dates turned out to be friendzoned, I happened to spend an entire day with her at some festival, and I realized that I actually quite like her.

 

Now, I have managed to tell her my stance on dating: getting to know people slowly as good friends, and if something blossoms out of that, then great, otherwise we still have a very good friendship. I did unfortunately not tell her that I fancied her, however she is smart, and often picks up on what is said between the lines.

 

I did manage to ask her out twice during the past month (that took a lot of courage): one with her best friend, and yesterday we went together to a movie. Inbetween we skyped a lot, and she shared a lot of her problems with me.

 

She has often given me hints that she would like to do more stuff together (watch movies, go to the beach), but I still haven't gotten clear signs that she's attracted (but then again I am pretty terrible at noticing that). My question is: what to do next? Am I taking things too slow? Is this destined for just a friendly relationship? I know at the moment that she is open to one, but isn't actively searching because of that terrible relationship she was in in the past.

 

What I'm too scared of right now is going too fast. That's how my previous dating attempt failed: I wanted to do too much while she wasn't ready. However, since that was the first time I actually managed to date someone, I just have way too little experience to really know what to do. So do any of you have any advice?

 

Thanks for reading this wall of text. It went on for a bit longer than I thought. ^^; tl;dr: I'm really taking this slow with this one girl, building up a friendship first. Is this good, and what can I do to make things more romantic?

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You can't be 'just friends' with someone you have greater feelings for. It's deceptive.

If she's not aware of how you feel about her now, then it's going to come as a shock. You see, you BEGAN the "friendship" with feelings for her already - but you his behind the 'let's see how this develops' mask.

 

That's a crock.

You either tell her you want more out of this, NOW - or you abandon hope altogether.

 

You can't 'phukk a friend'.

 

It doesn't work like that.

 

The initial spark, or frisson of attraction, between romantic partners is sexual.

If she didn't have that - it's highly doubtful she ever will to a suitable depth.

 

You're in the friend-zone already. And any overtures from you now, will leave her confused and in retreat.

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Is it really that simple? No wiggling space?

 

So basically, I should have explicitly stated that I want more of her? The thing is, don't girls find this creepy? I've seen so many girls who are all annoyed at the huge amounts of men trying to make un-subtle advances on them when they don't even know who they are.

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So basically, I should have explicitly stated that I want more of her? The thing is, don't girls find this creepy? I've seen so many girls who are all annoyed at the huge amounts of men trying to make un-subtle advances on them when they don't even know who they are.

Yes to the bolded part.

 

Girls find you creepy if they don't fancy you and find your advances welcome when they do like you. The skill comes from subtley letting them know it's not about friendship and knowing to stop straight away when it's not reciprocated.

 

practice.

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JuneJulySeptember
You can't be 'just friends' with someone you have greater feelings for. It's deceptive.

If she's not aware of how you feel about her now, then it's going to come as a shock. You see, you BEGAN the "friendship" with feelings for her already - but you his behind the 'let's see how this develops' mask.

 

That's a crock.

You either tell her you want more out of this, NOW - or you abandon hope altogether.

 

You can't 'phukk a friend'.

 

It doesn't work like that.

 

He didn't say that. He said he started off seeing her as a friend and then developed feelings for her later based on her - OMG - PERSONALITY.

 

Sounds like a good guy. I have no idea how someone could twist that into being a conniving faux nice guy BS.

 

 

Now, I have managed to tell her my stance on dating: getting to know people slowly as good friends, and if something blossoms out of that, then great, otherwise we still have a very good friendship. I did unfortunately not tell her that I fancied her, however she is smart, and often picks up on what is said between the lines.

 

What I'm too scared of right now is going too fast. That's how my previous dating attempt failed: I wanted to do too much while she wasn't ready. However, since that was the first time I actually managed to date someone, I just have way too little experience to really know what to do. So do any of you have any advice?

 

That said, your approach is horrible. Like really, you don't understand how bad it is for a man to have that attitude.

 

It makes sense to you now, but what you don't understand is that most women are about looks and emotion. So, whether she gets to know you and what a great guy you are and how often you volunteer for the blind has nothing to do with whether she will like you in that way. There are exceptions and she may turn out to be one, but by and large if you play the game that way - slow and deliberate, trying to decipher out her good qualities over time - you will lose and lose big. Yes, the other women rejected you, but that had nothing to do with going too fast likely. They just weren't attracted to you. Witness how fast one of your good looking friends can get a woman to like and date him and be telling all of her GFs about him. It happens in days.

 

I'd say at this point, drop it. Unless you can really get rejected by a friend, feel nothing, and continue to hang out with her and watch her date other men. I don't think it will be that easy.

 

Just hit on other women. And remember, my friend, strike fast and let your interest be known right away.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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He didn't say that. He said he started off seeing her as a friend and then developed feelings for her later based on her - OMG - PERSONALITY.

 

Well, really,I was referring to this part of his comments:

 

I have managed to tell her my stance on dating: getting to know people slowly as good friends, and if something blossoms out of that, then great, otherwise we still have a very good friendship. I did unfortunately not tell her that I fancied her,

 

Sounds like a good guy. I have no idea how someone could twist that into being a conniving faux nice guy BS.

You did that.

I didn't.

I'm sure he was a nice guy before, still is and no doubt will be.

I'm telling him his methods suck, i didn't say he was conniving, faux or lying to her....

 

That said, your approach is horrible. Like really, you don't understand how bad it is for a man to have that attitude.

 

It makes sense to you now, but what you don't understand is that most women are about looks and emotion. So, whether she gets to know you and what a great guy you are and how often you volunteer for the blind has nothing to do with whether she will like you in that way. There are exceptions and she may turn out to be one, but by and large if you play the game that way - slow and deliberate, trying to decipher out her good qualities over time - you will lose and lose big. Yes, the other women rejected you, but that had nothing to do with going too fast likely. They just weren't attracted to you. Witness how fast one of your good looking friends can get a woman to like and date him and be telling all of her GFs about him. It happens in days.

 

I'd say at this point, drop it. Unless you can really get rejected by a friend, feel nothing, and continue to hang out with her and watch her date other men. I don't think it will be that easy.

Precisely.

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Pretending to be their friend because you want more is just going to drive you insane.

And it's creepy.

 

The only way being friends with a woman ever results in more is when you friendzone them yourself.

 

Unless: You are higher up on the ladder than the guys approaching her and she is just insecure.

 

Then a woman will be friends with you while she figures out how to make you a BF because she knows you won't make a move because you are "just friends"

 

But, that only happens when you are the type of guy who doesn't need to pretend to be a woman's friend in order to try & sleep with her.

 

I know tons of women who are "friends" with guys they want who for whatever reason have chosen to friendzone them. These are attractive women also hit on constantly. makes me laugh.

 

Hmm, for some reason it's perfectly ok for a women to use friendship as a way to get a guy but not the other way around.

 

Why is that?:D

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My own stance is that I find certain girls attractive for a reason: their personality has parts that I either really admire, in one way or the other. I feel attracted to that, and if things don't work out romantically, I still really want to remain friends with them because I find them great people to be around. So I'm not "pretending to be friends, just to sleep with them". I'm really looking for a solid relationship, not a one-night stand.

 

But yeah, it sucks to find out that this doesn't work. Especially considering that it always takes me a really long while to realize that I like someone beyond the "she's hot"-feelings.

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Pretending to be their friend because you want more is just going to drive you insane.

And it's creepy.

 

The only way being friends with a woman ever results in more is when you friendzone them yourself.

 

Unless: You are higher up on the ladder than the guys approaching her and she is just insecure.

 

Then a woman will be friends with you while she figures out how to make you a BF because she knows you won't make a move because you are "just friends"

 

But, that only happens when you are the type of guy who doesn't need to pretend to be a woman's friend in order to try & sleep with her.

 

I know tons of women who are "friends" with guys they want who for whatever reason have chosen to friendzone them. These are attractive women also hit on constantly. makes me laugh.

 

Hmm, for some reason it's perfectly ok for a women to use friendship as a way to get a guy but not the other way around.

 

Why is that?:D

 

See...you had me 'on your side' until that last comment.

Which I trust was intended to be humorous.

 

(Hence the smiley....)

 

If a woman wants to be friends with a guy, then that's all she wants.

 

Occasionally, women have been known to abuse that friendship and use it to their own ends.

 

That is a definite.

 

But to 'get a guy'?

 

Hmmm..... nope.

 

That's why so many women love gay guys as friends - they know they have a really good friend who won't hit on them - but WILL tell them if that dress they're trying on, is just a little too tight around the hips.

Aced it.

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But yeah, it sucks to find out that this doesn't work. Especially considering that it always takes me a really long while to realize that I like someone beyond the "she's hot"-feelings.

From a personal perspective: I haven't found being friends first as a guarantee for enjoying having a relationship with that person. The last man I dated I was friends with first. We were not compatible as a couple, especially not sexually.

 

It takes a while to work people out but with practice (ie talking and dating) it will take less and less time

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If I was in your situation I would keep doing what your doing and spend more time with the girl. Keep talking/sharing and if at one point yo want to discuss the two of you together than do it. However, you don't need to sit her down and have a big talk about your feelings at this point. That might just scare her away.

 

My first serious relationship developed after being friends with the girl for 6 months. That one I had the "talk" with her and she felt the same way.. The transition was all very new to me as she ws really my first "GF". I have since had girls admit that they liked me after being friends with them for a number of years. I didn't feel the same way and I didn't feel like I was doing anything more than being friendly with them. However, I feel that I treat all of my friends really well so they may have seen that as romantic interest.

 

Another girl I ended up developing a huge crush on over time. We hung out more and more and started quasi cuddling while watching movies, she would sleep on my sofa when over at my place, etc, etc and then at one poi t it just "happened" and we kissed. It really was an amazing moment and I could tell she was waiting for the same thing to happen. We have since broken up and didn't talk for a few months but we are good friends again.

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JuneJulySeptember
My own stance is that I find certain girls attractive for a reason: their personality has parts that I either really admire, in one way or the other. I feel attracted to that, and if things don't work out romantically, I still really want to remain friends with them because I find them great people to be around. So I'm not "pretending to be friends, just to sleep with them". I'm really looking for a solid relationship, not a one-night stand.

 

But yeah, it sucks to find out that this doesn't work. Especially considering that it always takes me a really long while to realize that I like someone beyond the "she's hot"-feelings.

 

Women have the mentality they do because they don't want to feel guilty about rejecting someone who is otherwise a great guy but is just physically unattractive. But hey, that's the way the world is.

 

I understand your dilemma. So, here's what you do. You just hit on multiple women off the bat if she 'seems' to be your type. When you find one who gives you a yes, you start dating them. If you start dating them, and they are not, then you just break up with them. Next.

 

The only negative to this is that you will miss out on the 'few' women who really do need to know a guy well before they start dating them. But nothing in life comes without concessions. At least for guys like us. :lmao:

 

I'm about 10 years older than you, and I promise you, your way sucks.

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What I'm too scared of right now is going too fast.

 

Going too fast only qualifies if it is someone whom you don't know. Like a total stranger at a bar. I say ask her out more often and make some physical moves. Like put your arm around her, touch her hair etc. Take her out to the beach, then back to your place, add some wine, this stuff figures itself out trust me.

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Just ask her out on a date? She seems to be giving plenty of hints. Worst come to worst, as you said, you'll stay friends. Best case scenario, she agrees and you hook up. Doesn't sound like there's anything to lose?

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The only negative to this is that you will miss out on the 'few' women who really do need to know a guy well before they start dating them. But nothing in life comes without concessions. At least for guys like us. :lmao:

 

I'm one of them, and a few months is plenty enough time to know a guy well enough to at least know if you want to go on a date with him or not.

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JuneJulySeptember
Just ask her out on a date? She seems to be giving plenty of hints. Worst come to worst, as you said, you'll stay friends. Best case scenario, she agrees and you hook up. Doesn't sound like there's anything to lose?

 

People always say there's nothing to lose from rejection. I've always told myself the same thing before approaching a woman/confessing to a friend. The truth is there's a LOT of lingering, negative consequences to being rejected by a friend. But I won't get into it.

 

I'm one of them, and a few months is plenty enough time to know a guy well enough to at least know if you want to go on a date with him or not.

 

Having been in the OPs situation, what usually happens is that you see her as a friend who has some negative qualities why you might not want to date her, and then something clicks and you emotionally fall for her. It's an unfortunate situation because by then you are emotionally invested and rejection is the likely outcome.

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People always say there's nothing to lose from rejection. I've always told myself the same thing before approaching a woman/confessing to a friend. The truth is there's a LOT of lingering, negative consequences to being rejected by a friend. But I won't get into it.

 

The OP has mentioned that he himself sees no problems in simply reverting to a friendship, hence my suggestion.

 

Having been in the OPs situation, what usually happens is that you see her as a friend who has some negative qualities why you might not want to date her, and then something clicks and you emotionally fall for her. It's an unfortunate situation because by then you are emotionally invested and rejection is the likely outcome.

 

Uh, I was referring to your comment to the OP that he'd miss out on girls who liked to get to know a guy if he were to ask them out sooner.

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I didn't read all the other answers, but as a woman, I would want you to just tell me something like "We've spent some time together and gotten to know each other, and I really like you and enjoy your company. Can I take you out on a real date some time?"

 

If she likes you, she will be thrilled. If she doesn't like you that way, your friendship will eventually end anyway. :)

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How I see it you have two options:

 

a) You man up and tell her you would like to have some dates with her because you have real interest on her

b) you keep it as friends and welcome to the friendzone ... no way to get out of there once you came in...

 

If you don't move to get the fruit from the tree someone else will take it and you will just look how the other more brave than you eat what you were craving to have for yourself...;)

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Having been in the OPs situation, what usually happens is that you see her as a friend who has some negative qualities why you might not want to date her, and then something clicks and you emotionally fall for her. It's an unfortunate situation because by then you are emotionally invested and rejection is the likely outcome.

 

Well, for me this isn't the case, to be honest. The reason I didn't do anything with her in the beginning was because in the first few months, either I was dating this other girl, or she just broke up with her previous (terrible) boyfriend and needed to spend some serious time as a single. Because of that, the thought of dating her simply did not occur to me.

 

I'm not sure whether that changes much about my current situation (likely not), but the reason I'm falling for her isn't just on an emotional level.

 

EDIT: thanks for all the comments everyone. I will proceed to gather enough courage to ask her out on a date now. Knowing myself this will take a lot of effort, but at least I'll go for it.

Edited by peter_87
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Hey everyone, I'm looking for a bit of advice here.

 

Here is the thing. I'm 25 years old. Never been in a relationship, and I have been actively looking for a relationship since last September. Back in January I met this girl who is now 22 years old. Back then I was trying to date other girls, and I did not see her as someone to have a relationship with, but over a few months we did become good friends.

 

She was also dating someone else, after having been in a number of terrible, terrible relationships. I shared a lot with her about my dating experiences, she shared a lot of hers. And then, after a few months when both our dates turned out to be friendzoned, I happened to spend an entire day with her at some festival, and I realized that I actually quite like her.

 

Now, I have managed to tell her my stance on dating: getting to know people slowly as good friends, and if something blossoms out of that, then great, otherwise we still have a very good friendship. I did unfortunately not tell her that I fancied her, however she is smart, and often picks up on what is said between the lines.

 

I did manage to ask her out twice during the past month (that took a lot of courage): one with her best friend, and yesterday we went together to a movie. Inbetween we skyped a lot, and she shared a lot of her problems with me.

 

She has often given me hints that she would like to do more stuff together (watch movies, go to the beach), but I still haven't gotten clear signs that she's attracted (but then again I am pretty terrible at noticing that). My question is: what to do next? Am I taking things too slow? Is this destined for just a friendly relationship? I know at the moment that she is open to one, but isn't actively searching because of that terrible relationship she was in in the past.

 

What I'm too scared of right now is going too fast. That's how my previous dating attempt failed: I wanted to do too much while she wasn't ready. However, since that was the first time I actually managed to date someone, I just have way too little experience to really know what to do. So do any of you have any advice?

 

Thanks for reading this wall of text. It went on for a bit longer than I thought. ^^; tl;dr: I'm really taking this slow with this one girl, building up a friendship first. Is this good, and what can I do to make things more romantic?

 

Dude, this comes up time and time again and I know a lot of people will disagree with me but you've been friendzoned.... and thats that.

 

The whole "taking it slow" thing does not work.

 

When you meet someone you set the expectations for how your relationship towards each other will be. Setting yourself in the friend category (listening to her problems, asking her out as a friend or with other friends, etc..) means thats what she views you as.

If you try to shift it now it is just too awkward.

 

It's not a conscious thing. I know people will say "Oh well I was friends with my BF first" but those are the exception to the rule. There has to be VERY strong hidden feelings on both parts for it to happen so for every 1 that it does, there is probably 50 that it doesn't.

 

When you meet a girl you have to set the expectation that you are someone she dates, not someone she tells her problems to. Coming in under the radar is just not a good move.

 

Again, I'm waiting for all those who disagree with me but even if they say it DOES happen, it's the exception! Trying to shift the dynamic doesn't work. It like finding out your uncle is actually your Dad. They're the same person shouldn't you love him MORE now but in reality, it's just blown the dynamic of your realtionship out of the water and you can't even come to terms with it.

 

The friendship before dating thing is also very slimey in my view. The person doing it is trying to hold themself to some sort of moral code saying what a gentleman they are when in reality the friendship means nothing to them, they want something else. So be a man and ask for that something else in the first place.

 

You really only have 2 options:

1. Accept she is a friend and be her emotional cushion forever.

2. Man up and tall her flat out you want to go out with her, no more friend dates, no more hanging with her friends to cover up that you consider it a date, no more crying on your shoulder about her troubles with OTHER guys. You tell her flat out that you see her as a potential partner and not a friend.

Then you accept the consequences... pray to high heavens that she is one of those exceptions but when she more than likely isn't... you walk away because you've ruined the friendship... but you didn't really care about that in the first place so why does it matter, you really just wanted to get with her so don't try to paint it any other way and be a "nice guy".

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I will proceed to gather enough courage to ask her out on a date now. Knowing myself this will take a lot of effort, but at least I'll go for it.

 

Great to hear this. I know it isn't easy, especially the first few times, but you don't get anywhere without trying. :)

 

Good luck!

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JuneJulySeptember
The OP has mentioned that he himself sees no problems in simply reverting to a friendship, hence my suggestion.

 

I don't have a problem with your suggestion. I'm just saying there's been lots of negative consequences for me due to rejection. OP's psyche may vary.

 

Well, for me this isn't the case, to be honest. The reason I didn't do anything with her in the beginning was because in the first few months, either I was dating this other girl, or she just broke up with her previous (terrible) boyfriend and needed to spend some serious time as a single. Because of that, the thought of dating her simply did not occur to me.

 

I'm not sure whether that changes much about my current situation (likely not), but the reason I'm falling for her isn't just on an emotional level.

 

EDIT: thanks for all the comments everyone. I will proceed to gather enough courage to ask her out on a date now. Knowing myself this will take a lot of effort, but at least I'll go for it.

 

OK. Well then, go for it. If you have nothing to lose, and have nothing emotionally invested, pull the trigger.

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eastcoastgirl88
Dude, this comes up time and time again and I know a lot of people will disagree with me but you've been friendzoned.... and thats that.

 

The whole "taking it slow" thing does not work.

 

When you meet someone you set the expectations for how your relationship towards each other will be. Setting yourself in the friend category (listening to her problems, asking her out as a friend or with other friends, etc..) means thats what she views you as.

If you try to shift it now it is just too awkward.

 

It's not a conscious thing. I know people will say "Oh well I was friends with my BF first" but those are the exception to the rule. There has to be VERY strong hidden feelings on both parts for it to happen so for every 1 that it does, there is probably 50 that it doesn't.

 

When you meet a girl you have to set the expectation that you are someone she dates, not someone she tells her problems to. Coming in under the radar is just not a good move.

 

Again, I'm waiting for all those who disagree with me but even if they say it DOES happen, it's the exception! Trying to shift the dynamic doesn't work. It like finding out your uncle is actually your Dad. They're the same person shouldn't you love him MORE now but in reality, it's just blown the dynamic of your realtionship out of the water and you can't even come to terms with it.

 

The friendship before dating thing is also very slimey in my view. The person doing it is trying to hold themself to some sort of moral code saying what a gentleman they are when in reality the friendship means nothing to them, they want something else. So be a man and ask for that something else in the first place.

 

You really only have 2 options:

1. Accept she is a friend and be her emotional cushion forever.

2. Man up and tall her flat out you want to go out with her, no more friend dates, no more hanging with her friends to cover up that you consider it a date, no more crying on your shoulder about her troubles with OTHER guys. You tell her flat out that you see her as a potential partner and not a friend.

Then you accept the consequences... pray to high heavens that she is one of those exceptions but when she more than likely isn't... you walk away because you've ruined the friendship... but you didn't really care about that in the first place so why does it matter, you really just wanted to get with her so don't try to paint it any other way and be a "nice guy".

 

I don't disagree. I FIRMLY AGREE!!!

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Thanks for all your support. Just now I grabbed my courage and asked her out on an actual date.

 

And then things took a turn that I didn't really expect to happen. She isn't sure yet when she has time (Saturday she will be away until like 4am, so she isn't sure how she'll be on Sunday, but we agreed to just see how things will go once she wakes up). And the week after that she'll be on a holiday to her foreign family for almost a month. I guess this is the karma of taking things too slow. :p

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