FWB Sucks/5 Foolish Yrs

[lovejoy41]

I posted earlier today describing what happened in my 5 year friendship. I would advise anyone NOT to agree to this. If you've been married, are seeking remarriage or want to enter into a relationship at all(even if it's not now but later) don't settle for this. I just terminated this kind of friendship last week after 5 years! I had feelings for this man who treated me well enough to the point of where I didn't cut him off sooner knowing that I should have. For 4yrs of the friendship he made it clear he wasn't ready to commit, but I've found out that he has a woman living with him and she's met his parents. Sounds like a commitment to me! What's really bad is that the woman he's with allows him to date other women while they're in the relationship. And yet to this day he still denies that he is committed to her.

 

I am so heartbroken, I feel stupid, and used. He basically used my company and sex to carry him through until he became exclusive with this girl. He doesn't love me, doesn't respect me, and never will so I ended this because I deserve better. I have been in NC with him for 1 week and he text me yesterday "what's up?". I didn't reply. What could he possibly have to say to me? You've got a woman who's living with you. Maybe he just thought I'd be dumb enough to reply and he have another shot at a night of sex before going home to his girl at the house the next morning. Ugh! Who does this? He's a loser and his day will come. The most he could've done was be honest. He knew how I felt about him and told me he wouldn't string me along. Foolish me for believing that crap. I was so good to him. He didn't have to treat me this way? Maybe it was my fault, agreeing to some low self-esteem crap of fwb. smh In his eyes he has done nothing wrong because I was only "a friend" but to me he stomped on my heart and handed it back to me. Anyone else on here ever been through this? I can't even begin to understand how he thinks that his relationship with this woman will be a good one after treating me the way he did. Some of the things he said to me were horrible(as stated in my other post), and he thinks that this won't come back on him? God forbid if I'm not the only woman he's doing this to. I'm pretty sure that I'm not but at least I'm a woman with integrity, a woman who knows what she deserves, and a woman who's strong enough to walk away.

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovejoy41

[mtber75]

Why are you so heartbroken if you knew of the arrangement? You should of been direct about your feeling for him? He wasn't using you because he made it clear that he didn't want a exclusive relationship with you and you went along with this relationship. Now you are upset because he's living with another woman...WHAT?

[lovejoy41]

Yes I did know of the "arrangement". And I have never said that he didn't make it clear at first. But I found out that he had a woman living with him after the fact. I had to find this out through fb. It's one thing if two people agree on this type of arrangement and nooone is looking for a committment,but why continue to tell someone this when you know you're in a relationship or building a relationship with someone else? I get what you are saying but that still doesnt make it right. Why not just tell the FWB you've found someone or are now in a relationship? There is a lot more to this story that it would take mos to tell but I guess this is why i say the FWB thing doesnt work for me because if I did agree to this with someone and met someone that I was serious with or getting serious with in between, I would respect them enough to tell them. Maybe that's just me. You cant help who you love or fall in love with but, I still say it's a load of sh**! The heartbreak comes from being lied to. If this was ok, why not claim your girlfriend? He still denies that he's in a relationship to this day and is seeing other women. It might be ppl that think this is ok, but I don't. If you're in a relationship, you are, if you're not youre not. Maybe putting this on here was a bad idea, cause I don't need anyone on here trying to tell me that I have no right to not feel hurt or betrayed. Ive seen other FWB and have seen ppl get serious with others, but the person would usually tell the FWB I'm with someone now or Im not feeeling you anymore. Call me old fashioned, "arrangements" sexing, hanging out, getting ppl's feelings involved until you meet Ms. Right and then dump the person like they're trash or string them along as long as they let you? I'll pass from now on thank you.

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

Also he never did say that he didnt want an exclusive relationship "WITH ME", he said that he wasnt "ready to commit to anyone". There is a difference. Whether he meant he wasnt ready at all or whether he was saying it that way to spare my feelings i dont know but thats what I went by. So i was thinking he's not ready for anyone. Not that hes just saying this but then actually committing or working on committing to someone else. That's the difference. Heck, if he had told me directly that he didnt want a relationship with ME, I wouldve left yrs ago. He was talking about marriage and having more kids and how he had feelings for me as well. That is lying and playing games when you know thats not your intention. Thats the other part of this story. Call me the fool, maybe a fool i was but nobody's perfect.

[sweetheart5381]

Yes I did know of the "arrangement". And I have never said that he didn't make it clear at first. But I found out that he had a woman living with him after the fact. I had to find this out through fb. It's one thing if two people agree on this type of arrangement and nooone is looking for a committment,but why continue to tell someone this when you know you're in a relationship or building a relationship with someone else? I get what you are saying but that still doesnt make it right. Why not just tell the FWB you've found someone or are now in a relationship? There is a lot more to this story that it would take mos to tell but I guess this is why i say the FWB thing doesnt work for me because if I did agree to this with someone and met someone that I was serious with or getting serious with in between, I would respect them enough to tell them. Maybe that's just me. You cant help who you love or fall in love with but, I still say it's a load of sh**!

 

I did FWB for about 2 yrs off and on with someone. We started out very romantically, then he told me he still loved his wife (he was separated, and I was sure he was over it). I was crushed, he and I had been friends for close to 30 yrs. It hurt for awhile, I hung on for a period of time but eventually accepted that he and I would never be committed to one another. We continued to see one another sexually, but set out some ground rules and they worked well.

 

He and I are still great friends, talk about our sex/romantic lives, etc. We got together sexually one last time (for now) a few months ago when he was getting into a new relationship with another woman.

 

Bottom line, if you love someone that doesn't feel the same level of commitment to you, you are the one that will have to take responsibility and do the right thing. Don't expect the other person to do this.

 

Save the heartache, take time to see it with your logical mind and you may view it differently in time. Consider it a lesson learned.

[lovejoy41]

Im entitled to feel heartbreak just as you were crushed sweetheart. You weren't seeing it logically when he told you that he still loved his wife. You only know what you're reading on here. You don't know everything. Ive talked to friends who I talked to the whole time I was with this man and if you knew it all you would be singing a different tune. Every one of my friends(female and male platonic) friends said that this man is playing games. You don't say"I'm not ready for a commitment to one person, tell the person you have feelings for them(which he did by the way!"we're more than friends", ask them how they feel about you,etc. etc.. and then here you are in a relationship with someone else but still dating and sleeping with the person you've told that you're not ready for a relationship). That is game. What he should've said was "the right thing" which is I'm in a relationship. I should've had the choice of whether or not I still wanted to see him not been lied to. I know a lot of men who do things like this, but they do TELL the other woman that they are already in a relationship or married. Not all men but some. And what do you mean "do the right thing"? I have done the right thing by moving on, BUT if you have no CLUE that the person doesn't feel the same how would you do the right thing? I'm thinking that he wasn't ready for a commitment cause that's what he said. And the right thing I did was ended it recently. If they don't feel anything for you, then they should have the balls to say so. I don't expect everyone to do "the right thing". If everyone thought like you as far as you saying don't expect them to do it and you take responsibility and do it then there wouldn't be a need for this forum. How many ppl on here have been wronged by others because they expected their friend, lover, girlfriend,or spouse to do the right thing? A lot. And they expected the person they were with to do them right just like you was expecting him to do you right. You never EXPECTED him to tell you what he did. You cant take responsibility for something you don't know is going to happen now can you? I'm not accepting anything like this again. What you do is your business but, for ME being someone's side piece of a** @ their convenience isn't enough even if it's "one last time". That's what their wife and/or "new" significant other is for. I'm just sharing how it made me feel and Im entitled to that regardless. That's the lesson learned.

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

I didn't come here to be judged or bashed. I simply wanted to share my story for others out there who may be going through something similar. In fact the post under this forum entitled "Heartless FWB" involving another young lady is one of them. Noone on this earth is perfect and we have all had some encounter in life which love didn't work out in our favor or at least with whom we would have liked it to. You can't help who you love, even when they don't love you. What works for some may not work for others. I'm not saying that FWB sucks for everyone, it just sucked for ME. Thank you.

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovejoy41

[sweetheart5381]

I didn't come here to be judged or bashed. I simply wanted to share my story for others out there who may be going through something similar. In fact the post under this forum entitled "Heartless FWB" involving another young lady is one of them. Noone on this earth is perfect and we have all had some encounter in life which love didn't work out in our favor or at least with whom we would have liked it to. You can't help who you love, even when they don't love you. What works for some may not work for others. I'm not saying that FWB sucks for everyone, it just sucked for ME. Thank you.

 

I'm sorry that you feel so harshly and angry right now, I did too. I felt strung along when he knew his feelings all along. I felt betrayed. That's that hard part and I have been there too. He was one of my best friends for years and I could not imagine that he would use me like that. I understand your pain in this and I did not mean to seem as though I was bashing you for loving him. Sometimes we are snowed by others... it sucks.

 

It helps though to be able to see past the cloud of emotion right now (that was a long time ago for me) and see that in time, you come to accept what it really was/is (not true love, rather 2 people with physical needs). Real, true "love" between partners only occurs when both partners accept it. If one partner does not, it doesn't make the other stupid or weak, it means they were strong enough to love without it being completely reciprocated in a meaningful way. That takes courage my lady, and you have it. You also have the respect for yourself to walk away as you deal with these feelings. Kudos.

[lovejoy41]

Yeah you're right.Thats why I was so angry because I've never been involved in anything like this. I'm 41 now but when I met him I was 36 coming out of a divorce. I thought that just having a "friend" was ok, because both of us were coming out of a divorce and were just looking for someone to hang out with, have fun with,and be intimate with if it went there. I had no idea what kind of price tag that came with! smh I've always been in relationships in the past, so this whole "friends" thing was different to me. As time went on though, I discovered I wanted more & even though there was no promise that he would be with me, I thought that he would always be honest enough to tell me that he was moving on if he ever did. I know that I told him that I would tell him if I was moving on or getting serious with someone. I thought that we would at least be able to salvage the friendship if nothing else. I know that it hurt you, but at least your friend was honest enough to tell you that he was still in love with his wife. The fact that he was truthful above anything else is what I would think helped you remain friends with him. I'm not mad about the fact that he's with someone else, I just was upset that he was pretending that he didn't want a commitment when he knew that he did, even if it wasn't with me. I had told him a while ago, I don't hate on anyone's happiness so I didn't see the reason for the lie. All I'm saying is that he could've told me the truth.

 

Anywho, it is what it is and I accept the fact that I'm not the one he chose. However, it could be a blessing in disguise. After all, the day I went to him about her he told me that she knows that he sees other women and she accepts it. But yet, they're living together and she's met his parents. He even said that the only reason he is with her is because she allows him to do what he wants to do with other women, something that I would never allow if we were in a relationship. So, if being with him requires me letting him screw around with other women when he wants, better her than me. I respect myself way too much for that. I deserve a man who will be in a monogamous relationship with me. One who will know that I'm all the woman he needs. I had to sever all contact with him because I won't be a part of their "open relationship". I'm not okay with that. There's no way I could continue on with this man knowing all of this & with me still having feelings for him. It's not fair to me. I don't care what she allows, I will not see a man that I know is already in a relationship. Sit around waiting for him to text me for our 1 night per month rendezvous, then what? Watch him drift further away, marry and have kids with her, and then be left feeling like garbage? I think not! I'm taking it day by day and getting stronger with each day. One day he will realize that it's his loss, and she will wish she had more respect for herself. He is no longer my problem, but hers now. smh Anyway thank you for your comment& words of encouragement. They are appreciated.

Edited August 6, 2012 by lovejoy41

[NoMagicBullet]

... I'm not mad about the fact that he's with someone else, I just was upset that he was pretending that he didn't want a commitment when he knew that he did, even if it wasn't with me. I had told him a while ago, I don't hate on anyone's happiness so I didn't see the reason for the lie. All I'm saying is that he could've told me the truth.

 

Yeah, he could have told you the truth, but would you have continued sleeping with him? He probably sees what we call "being honest and doing the right thing" as not being in his best interests. I'll post here part of what I posted in the heartless FWB thread: The only thing you must understand is that these men are selfish and will put themselves first in any situation.

 

Personally, I believe in honesty and doing the right thing, and it's damn depressing having to deal with -- and protect myself from -- people like this who believe otherwise.

 

 

... He even said that the only reason he is with her is because she allows him to do what he wants to do with other women, something that I would never allow if we were in a relationship. So, if being with him requires me letting him screw around with other women when he wants, better her than me.

 

Maybe this is true, but I'm thinking he's been lying to her, too. He was able to keep her secret from you, right? And she lived with him! I'm sure he had no problem keeping you (and any other women) secret from her. This guy is totally invested in controlling the situation and keeping everything the way he wants it. I bet that him telling you the other woman lets him fool around was his way to let you know he's still available for sex if you want it.

 

You posted in the heartless FWB thread: Said that "he didnt care about us bitches", that "she knew that he had other women", and that" she would say "1 down and 4 to go" if ever confronted by any of them". I'm not saying you should do this, but I'd be pissed enough that I think I would contact her and say "Hey, you can have him, good luck with that," and call his bluff. Wait... 1 down 4 to go? And he calls all of you bitches? This guy is a real piece of work. You are much better off without him. I'm only sorry he had you hoodwinked for so long.

 

lovejoy, I recommend you stay no contact with him and anyone related to him. This man is toxic. It's going to take time, but the more time that passes, the easier it gets to stay away.

[lovejoy41]

OMG NoMagic Bullet you hit it dead on the head! What you posted in "heartless fwb" is exactly what I've encountered! One of my male platonic friends said the exact same thing that you did. I had in boxed her on fb last year about him. I only know that she had a fb page because 6 mos after he met me I saw her on his myspace page, she had pics of him and her on her myspace and then had to follow her on fb. She posts all of her info about her and him(incld pics) publicly on fb which is how I found out about all of this stuff(her living with him and the visit to the parents house) I told her that I wasn't trying to cause trouble but was just looking for the truth because I didn't feel that he was being honest with me. BTW, I also put in my final words that he is a liar and I wish her the best with him because he's nothing BUT a liar who loves to play games & that if he is committed to her that he won't ever be totally honest. Mind you this was after several attempts of asking him about her. I told her how long we had been dealing with each other, how my sons liked him, my feelings for him etc. From there, I asked her if they were living together and if she was his gf and she never responded back. My assumption is that he may have told her that I was a psycho(which trashy guys love to do) and told her not to respond. That's my assumption though.

 

To answer your question, No way I would have continued sleeping with him! I told him that I don't date or sleep with men who are married, in relationships, or in relationships with women and are living together because I believe that karma is a bit** and I wouldn't do that cause I know that one day I want marriage again and a relationship. So, you're right he knew that being honest about her would've messed up his "benefits". Unbelievable now that I think about it. smh You're probably right about him lying to her. Not that it matters now, but god only knows what he was telling her the mornings he went home to her. Yeah he would stay out with me the whole night & would bring me home 10, 11 a.m. the next day. But he did say that she knows, so maybe that's what she wants or maybe she's doing her thing with other guys. My male platonic friend said that she probably doesn't know what he's doing. The day I asked him about her meeting his parents he also had the nerve to say "I'm running things, you're messing up the team". "What are you going to do, get in line or what"? At times he even said "i'm a player". Yes he said that. That was in addition to the "he doesn't care about all of us bitches". He has no remorse and seems to be enjoying what he's doing to the fullest.

 

"Toxic" is a perfect description of him. He thinks that he is god's gift to women. Sad part about it is that he was nothing like this when I begin dating him(they never are). He was kind, helped me out financially, had talks with my sons, was a gentleman, and a great lover. He wasn't the type to just come over, jump in the sack and leave at 3am which is why I was fooled. Not that any of it matters now but he'd actually take me out to dinner at fancy restaurants & really expensive hotel rooms. Maybe most women could've immediately identified this, but the losers I've encountered never shelled out a dime on me. So I suppose this made me easier prey to what us women like to call "The PLAYER".

 

Out of all of the lowlifes I've encountered he was a different kind of lowlife. He didn't turn into the "playalistic demon" until after I found out about this new living situation/gf/commitment. Guess I was messing up "the game". Or maybe he's just a REALLY good actor! He is a fool if he does think that I would want to give him any of my time, let along sleep with him after the statements he made that day. And to think that text he sent me on 8/3("what's up?") two weeks after he did that sounded like that's exactly what he was wanting. Or maybe he needed to find out if I was still down for sleeping with him again? Had I responded it's more than likely that I would've got asked to a night out of drinks, a room, and casual sex. That's why I'm glad that I went NC with him. I'm glad that I didn't respond. It's unbelievable that someone can be just downright disrespectful to women. And to think he has a 10 year old daughter, a 22 year old sister, and of course a mother and he refers to women as "the team" & us " bitches". smh

 

I beat myself up after finding this out simply because i felt like i had thrown away 5 years with this deceitful man but I accept it now. It wasn't my fault that he strung me along. Maybe I should've bailed when I developed feelings for him. It's ok though, cause even though I did give him 5 years, I was smart enough to walk away before it became 6 years. I do believe that what we sow, we reap and I know that whether it's 6 days, 6 weeks, 6mos, or even 6 years later that this man will regret what he has done, whether he does the same to this woman or if she does it to him.

 

NoMagicBullet, you're right it will take time. After coming out of a hellafied 7 yr relationship/3yrmarriage with one man I thought that I'd met a man who was different and special in every way. I guess I was wrong. There's no way that I healed my way through that divorce just to move onto man who has no respect for women and who will forever treat me like trash. I've come to far for that& I know I'm worthy of so much more. It hurts like he** but I will get through it.@MagicBullet Thank you so so much for your comment.

Edited August 7, 2012 by lovejoy41

[NoMagicBullet]

You're welcome, lovejoy. I'm sorry about it all, but like you say, he was a good actor:

 

Sad part about it is that he was nothing like this when I begin dating him(they never are). He was kind, helped me out financially, had talks with my sons, was a gentleman, and a great lover. He wasn't the type to just come over, jump in the sack and leave at 3am which is why I was fooled. Not that any of it matters now but he'd actually take me out to dinner at fancy restaurants & really expensive hotel rooms. Maybe most women could've immediately identified this, but the losers I've encountered never shelled out a dime on me.

 

The sad thing is, this screws it up for all the truly good guys out there who would sincerely treat a woman well. How can a woman know what she has early on? Or even years later? Do we have to forever be on guard against the men who act like they care about us? Can we ever get to a point where we don't have to anylze everything he does looking for red flags and signs of betrayal? I haven't figured that one out yet.

[lovejoy41]

You know what... that is so so true. And I haven't got that figured out either. smh

[sweetheart5381]

You're welcome, lovejoy. I'm sorry about it all, but like you say, he was a good actor:

 

 

 

The sad thing is, this screws it up for all the truly good guys out there who would sincerely treat a woman well. How can a woman know what she has early on? Or even years later? Do we have to forever be on guard against the men who act like they care about us? Can we ever get to a point where we don't have to anylze everything he does looking for red flags and signs of betrayal? I haven't figured that one out yet.

 

Exactly... you can feel like you have met a great guy but then they change if they are a player. They play pretend cuz you look good on their arm, you actually improve their chances at other women just by being together from their perspective. They are self-centred wolves acting like sheep.

 

Most men work this way, some, like my ex, are stupid enough to even admit to this behaviour... my ex actually told me he hoped I would tell other women at work what a great guy he was, to talk of his prowess, lol. Viagra could not help that man, lol.

 

Real men don't do that ****. They lay it on the line and mean what they say. When you call them on their bull**** they will be able to back up their actions... and not with cliche lines.

[darkmoon]

so next time please go back to his place and/or - stay the whole night - and/or insist on his landline home phone number -

 

him being your next boyfriend

[sweetheart5381]

Interestingly, I am now seeing my ex's best friend. I know, it's likely wrong from most opinions.

 

They seemed very similar at one point, now they are much different. The ex did all the "right" things, told me lots of bull**** lies, never opened up to me, kept me in the dark, etc.

 

The best friend however is the complete opposite. He tells me and shows me how he feels, always has. He does what he says he will do. He is completely honest and keeps his word. He genuinely cares in so many ways that the ex did not.

 

It is definitely hard to trust after being played, but I like to think that there are still good ones out there.

[sweetheart5381]

so next time please go back to his place and/or - stay the whole night - and/or insist on his landline home phone number -

 

him being your next boyfriend

 

OR let me suggest some equality... as in mutual honesty and respect.

 

You seem to suggest that women have something to prove with expectations.

 

What everyone needs to expect is honesty and respect regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

You got a hand, use it Oh... sorry, you already know that

[darkmoon]

OR let me suggest some equality... as in mutual honesty and respect.

 

You seem to suggest that women have something to prove with expectations.

 

What everyone needs to expect is honesty and respect regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

You got a hand, use it Oh... sorry, you already know that

 

i'm on your side!

jus saying

am a woman who realized something

i've seen some real hurt women on here

and hurt men too

but never men hurt by fwb yet

or by the fooling around that fwb actually is

Edited August 8, 2012 by darkmoon

[sweetheart5381]

i'm on your side!

jus saying

am a woman who realized something xx

 

Whew, good

 

No intent to insult... just hate players. Didn't read your sarcasm correctly, sorry!

 

I HATE players, lol. They are everywhere!

[lovejoy41]

@Dark Moon FYI: I dated him for 5 yrs and I was going to his place & spending nights and weekends there all of the time at first! I also had his work, cell, and home phone numbers from the day that we met and he still turned out to be a player. I had no idea the woman was living with him. She didn't move in with him until 2011. I was going to his house up until that point. Once I stopped going, at first I didn't inquire because I had told him that I wanted a change. That I wanted to start getting out of the house more which is why we were doing hotels. But after a while I begin asking why we didn't go to his house anymore and he told me that he had his friend(a guy friend that I knew) permanently living with him as a roommate. Said that they both thought it would be a good idea since they were both having financial difficulties. Although he could've still taken me over I didn't ask because I knew that I wasn't gonna be comfortable going to his house having sex & spending nights there if his friend was there. Soooo, I believed him & he lied about that too!!!! I had no idea it was a freaking woman who was living with him! So none of that crap made any difference. That's another reason why I bought the whole "I'm not ready to commit" thing, because I had all of the numbers, was going to the house, he came to my house etc... All of those things meant nothing! Also like sweetheart said, women want honesty. BTW, sweetheart my guy friend was all of that in the beginning and for most of the "relationship" if you call it. Not saying that your guy isn't a good guy I'm just saying I was fooled really good by this fool I was messing with. All an act of course, but he was kind, sincere, genuine, and a gentleman as I stated. Even bonded with my sons. The only thing he was honest about at the time was about not being ready to commit(or so I thought). Like I said, it was all an act because it wasn't until I confronted him about this live-in/gf situation that I saw the real him come out. I guess since he was busted and he knew that his game was over(as far as I go anyway) he felt no need to pretend to be anything anymore. Then after 1 week, he's sat, thought about it, and realized "oops, I might've f***ed up that one" and then sends that stupid text. After all that I've found out, I think he was going in between me and her. There were times he'd come over and be acting all sad and laying under me. I'm guessing she was cutting up & he was coming to "old reliable" for comfort. Well, he's on his own with that one. If she did it to him again& that was the reason for that text, he has no choice but to just deal with it now. Doesn't matter to me what happens to him now though because I'm done.

Edited August 8, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

You're still young at 41.

 

There should be a new law on the books. No 'courtship' beyond 24 mos. (friendship or no). It's like marry or get off the bucket.

 

Aside from the five yrs, IMO his live-in was the stinger.

 

You can sew your life back together. Any unrelated unfinished business or projects in the last 5 yrs that were slowed down do to giving him attentions - strive toward finishing.

 

Then start a brand new life for yourself.

[lovejoy41]

Thank you guys, I appreciate it. @Upward Yes, you're right, but we don't need books. I knew. He isn't the first man who turned out to be a loser but because I was being treated well and that he seemed like a good man, I got sidetracked. I didn't want to believe that this guy WASN'T "the one". Had it been any other guy who was dogging me, I would've ended it long ago. Guys in my past who were losers always showed that they were losers between 6 mos to 1 year & they never spent one dime or opened a car door for me. This guy made it that long cause I thought he was a good guy who just wasn't ready to commit to anyone, not just to me as I found out. So I was in love with the things he did and him as a person & that's what got him that 5 year pass. @hduscio At the time I did feel as what some said was judgmental. That post was to let people know, we all are going through and that no one opinion may be right as you said. My situation is a sensitive one to me due to the time that I foolishly invested in it so I did feel that somethings people were saying were a little hash as to how I should feel about it and everything but it's just that, an opinion. But Upward, you have a great point and I appreciate that because I really felt bad about throwing away 5 years with me now being over 40 and wanting to find the real thing. Fortunately, nothing was placed on hold for that fool.

 

Surprisingly, I grew with him a lot. I was miserable in my marriage and had lost myself after the divorce. I met him after the divorce became final. The only good that came from being with him and my maturing(of course) was that I grew. Even though he wasn't "the one" I changed dramatically with him. I learned how to communicate w/o wanting to throw something, how to behave more ladylike, and even though all of what he did for me was an act, I actually learned how a woman should be treated, regarding having a door opened for her, allowing a man to help her with little things around the house, a little help that she may need financially, etc.. because believe it or not I'm the "man of the house". lol And yes, he did all of those "things". See what I mean about being fooled? I'm a single mom and have never knew what it's like to have a man treat me out and be a man to me(even though he really wasn't). However, I'm blessed to walk away from this with dignity. And I look forward to being happy again, working out and staying in shape, and just enjoying life. My sons are 17 and 21, and I'm 41 and proud. I have a whole world out there waiting for me!

Edited August 8, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

I never saw any of this coming. A live-in gf who just met his parents in June.... all of this from a man who "isn't ready for a commitment"? I guess it was just me that he didn't want. smh @Upward, it was so much more than a stinger for me. It was as if a tornado had hit my heart and picked it up right out of my chest and into the air it went. Sigh... I'm dealing with it though. smh @hduscio Yes you do have to go through your feelings and that's what I'm doing each day. I haven't gotten another text since 8/3. He's no fool and he probably knows that I'm done with him. I don't expect to hear anything else from him & if I did I wouldn't break NC. He knew that it was only a matter of time before I moved on, because even before I found out about this I had told him that I was getting tired of this "arrangement" if you call it. He knew that it was only a matter of time,but I guess he thought he would give it one more shot just to confirm. I never said a word, I just walked away. So, do what's best for you and stick with it. You'll be just fine.

[lovejoy41]

@hduscio I sure did! I felt like I had already wasted 5 years waiting for this man to wake up one day and realize that I would be the woman that he wants to settle down with. Although he said he wasn't ready to commit in the beginning and for most of the relationship(or whatever you wanna call it) he had begin to say things like "I wouldn't mind being married again(he's divorced) and "I wouldn't mind having another child, a son"(he has a 10yr old daughter). One night we were out he said, "I don't like younger women, I'd rather be with a woman who's been married, who's got kids and has been through some things". I never initiated conversations like that so I felt like since he was bringing this stuff up that he might've been throwing hints about commitment and things involved in a commitment just to see what I would say. After all he's 38, the girl he's with is 34 and I'm 41. That last quote he made described me perfectly & it was also a statement that I'd made about myself previously during an argument with him.

 

Guess he does want those things but not with me. This girl he's with has no kids and has never been married but it's ok cause he's gonna wish he had a woman like me when this woman shows her true colors or when she is exposed to his cheating lying ways. So based on my last stupid text(seeking attention after my dreadful discovery about him) asking him about a drink that they serve at the bar on 7/26 he was thinking all was still cool between us but between then and until the time he texted me on 8/3,(2 weeks after I confronted him about her) I'd had enough time to think about walking away. I mean it wasn't much to think about. She's living with him and she's met his parents. Sounds like a committed relationship, maybe even a engagement, or possible engagement to me. Why stick around? I wouldn't be anything more to him than a piece of a** when he needed it. That's if I had been dumb enough to stay. As for friendship, he ruined his chances of that when he chose not to be honest. Heck, that probably wouldn't have worked either given the fact that I had feelings for him. So, yep I just vanished out of his life without warning. He didn't feel that he should tell me about her, so I didn't bother telling him that I was walking away.

 

As for him coming back, maybe. I wouldn't put it past him but my door is not open to that. I'm not replying to his texts and he has been blocked on my cell. If he calls my house, I can ignore that too. He would have to come to my door to see my face or hear my voice again(outside of the v/m he'd get if he calls my restriction on my cell phone). My ex husband tried coming back several times after he'd moved on and obviously had no luck with other women. So did many of the cheaters I'd dealt with before him. So you're probably right. He might just realize that I was the right choice and she was the wrong choice but it's his loss. By the time he does, IF he does, I'm sure that I'll have moved on and totally forgot about him. He's a proud,cocky, arrogant, selfish man. He's very full of himself and enjoys what he's doing to women. No remorse whatsoever even when he heard me crying over the phone that day he wasn't moved. It's like I was being treated like what I was a "FWB". He has a good job, a home, very nice car, and is very attractive so if he did crawl back, it would be after karma's busted him down to nothing. I hope you make the right decision with your relationship. What I went through with this man hurt badly & I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would avoid this type of pain at all costs. Trust me. It's day by day that I'm getting better though.

Edited August 8, 2012 by lovejoy41

[UpwardForward]

I look forward to being happy again, working out and staying in shape, and just enjoying life. My sons are 17 and 21, and I'm 41 and proud. I have a whole world out there waiting for me!

 

Absolutely!

 

I'm happy you are able to ignore his communications.

 

IMO, He most likely is/was infatuated with both you and his live-in - and for diff reasons. Wanted both of you for variety.

 

Am glad you wouldn't give in to his choosing you, if it came to that.

 

Somehow I think any close R's a man has w women - he will have remembrances of these women, no matter who he is with.

 

My son has a close friend in her late 40's - who has been in a LD relationship w a man for over 5 yrs, following her D. He has taken money from her and the whole thing. She has told my son she stays in the R, because she doesn't want to start all over.

 

I feel so badly for her. She is such a nice woman. I would love to talk to her - but my son doesn't want me to, because he doesn't want her to know he has mentioned her situation to me.