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Tired of waiting...


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 18th July 2012, 1:20 AM   #1
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Exclamation Tired of waiting...

Hi there! Newbie here. Im a 43 yr old very attractive woman, long divorced; with 3 kids who are all on their own now. Ive been in a relationshp with a wonderful man 6 yrs my senior for 7 yrs now. He proposed after 3 wks of dating. He spoils me rotten with material things, is faithful (Ive checked up on him several times over the yrs), and has taken me on so many vacations and spent thousands of dollars on me and my children. Here's my problem: we still dont even live together! He's clearly against living together, and avoids talk of a wedding date like its the plague. He keeps eluding to moving in "later" but its clearly simple avoidance of the issue. To be clear, we get along famously, love each other very much, and are each other's best friend. He is a somewhat excentric man: lines up the legs of his chairs with the lines in the linoleum, insists on everything - everything - being aligned straight, not crooked. I mean, I guess he's just alittle anal. He's been causing us to fight a lot over the last couple of months and its caused me to re-evaluate our relationship. I've finally given him the ultimatum: either we agree to marry or its over. He's seemed to ignore this. I no longer call him at our usual times, yet I do accept texts from him and respond. It should be noted that I've offered many times to agree to a prenup, just in case he was concerned about being taken to the cleaners by a wife during a divorce. He's been married before, as well. I'm actually afraid to lose him, yet I feel completely humiliated with the situation. I want to be his Mrs. Clearly he has reservations, yet tells me always that he loves me more than life itself. Should I chalk it up to a wonderful 7 yr experience and take my toys and move on? Or should I swallow my pride and keep waiting? (Waiting in wonder is not a comfortable place for me). If you plan to give me your opinion, I would really appreciate a well thought out one. I know that at a glance this might appear to be cut & dried, but it just feels so complicated... Please send me your thoughts... Thanks
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Old 18th July 2012, 2:43 AM   #2
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Well, you have a few issues going on at the same time. First, he's obviously obsessive compulsive. Which makes him do things whether he wants to, or not. If you can live with that, read on.

Second, he proposed after 3 weeks of dating. YIKES! That is NOT a good sign! Frankly, if a man did that with me, I'd be running so fast he'd never see me again.

Third, you gave him an ultimatum, while not willing to accept the bad response. What happens if he says no? Are you willling to walk away?
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Old 18th July 2012, 9:49 PM   #3
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Thanks for the response. First: I agree. He appears to be obsessive/compulsive, but not in a freaky way. He, along with me, makes light of the seemingly silly things he does. It's all lighthearted. And it doesn't negatively affect our relationship. Second: Yes, 3 wks in felt insane, but in a fabulous way! Of course, neither of us had intentions of tying the knot in any kind of hurry. We had an amazing, whirlwind romance, that lasted for years. Third: I don't want to accept the fact that he may not choose cohabitation & marriage over losing me. But I think that in and of itself speaks volumes. Don't you? I'm just so lonely, and feel that I shouldn't be at this point in a relationship and in my life. I sleep alone, wake up alone, walk the dog alone, mow the lawn, shovel in the winter. I'm home alone when strangers come to my door selling things, etc... Hell, I've even began peri-menapause (!) and really should get glasses. I just feel as though I'm going through many phases of life - alone. We've been together since my children were tweens. I went through the terrible teens alone, through a few family tragedies alone, my children flying away into their own independant lives, and now fricken menapause. He's always been on the sidelines, yes, but not really truly here. I love him dearly, I really do, but I figure that if I'm not worth it to him, then I'm mistaken by thinking he's worth it to me. I'm afraid that perhaps I'm gambling with my last few youthful years. Obviously I thought through all these years that he was worth it, but time has passed so significantly that I now feel somewhat duped I love him, though. No doubt about it. I also am aware that love can be very, very, clinically blind. I should also say that he is a very dominant alpha male. He's a big, strong man, independant and a bit of a spoiled brat. I love all of these things about him. I love him lightyears more than I've ever loved before. However, by him not scooping me up I'm left feeling like I gave him too much of me and he doesn't feel the need to close the deal. We both wear wedding rings. His, because he wanted to wear it, and mine because he bought me the beautiful engagement ring then over the years added two others to make it a huge set. Perhaps this made him feel more settled for my own good... So, to answer your question, I feel as though I must accept it if he chooses to decline my cohabitation/marriage demands. To me it feels like such a clear declaration. Am I completely out in left field here, or does anybody feel the way I do? Is this the hormones causing me to be irrational?

Last edited by bbksbabydove; 18th July 2012 at 9:59 PM.. Reason: added more info
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Old 18th July 2012, 11:02 PM   #4
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If he has issues like Auspbergers or something, he may simply be unable to deal with living with you (or anyone). I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be working to nail down what it is about him that can't let him get closer. It sounds like he WANTS to, but something is holding him back. I'd find out what.
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Old 18th July 2012, 11:50 PM   #5
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Wow, what a brilliant deduction, given the information I've supplied! I will immediately explore that. I will be back.... Thank you xo
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Old 22nd July 2012, 11:05 PM   #6
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I see it this way:
OCD + Independent Alpha Male = Control Freak

Living alone, he can control his environment. If he lives with you, he's going to have to give up some of that control, and that probably scares him to no end with the OCD. Whether he consciously admits this to himself or not. Is he in therapy? The way you describe him, I would assume not.

It sounds like the engagement, gifts, everything in your relationship allows him a feeling of stability and control in his life and your relationship without him having to compromise or face his OCD-related fears. He doesn't want to change anything. I hate to say it, I don't think he will change, even if it means losing you.

It's not your hormones. It's perfectly normal to want to live with someone you adore, and you've spent more than enough time waiting for him to be ready. He never will be. I think your choice now is to either stay in the relationship and give up the idea of ever marrying and living with him, or call it quits and find a man who wants to live with you as husband and wife.

I'm sorry it turned out like this for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.
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Old 23rd July 2012, 8:49 AM   #7
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It's completely possible that two people can love each other greatly, but find themselves simply incompatible for living together, and have to break it off.
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Old 1st August 2012, 1:12 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by NoMagicBullet View Post
I see it this way:
OCD + Independent Alpha Male = Control Freak

Living alone, he can control his environment. If he lives with you, he's going to have to give up some of that control, and that probably scares him to no end with the OCD. Whether he consciously admits this to himself or not. Is he in therapy? The way you describe him, I would assume not.

It sounds like the engagement, gifts, everything in your relationship allows him a feeling of stability and control in his life and your relationship without him having to compromise or face his OCD-related fears. He doesn't want to change anything. I hate to say it, I don't think he will change, even if it means losing you.

It's not your hormones. It's perfectly normal to want to live with someone you adore, and you've spent more than enough time waiting for him to be ready. He never will be. I think your choice now is to either stay in the relationship and give up the idea of ever marrying and living with him, or call it quits and find a man who wants to live with you as husband and wife.

I'm sorry it turned out like this for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Thank you. Sadly, I fear you might be right Things have improved, then plummetted again since my last post. He's again declared his undying love for me - yet claims he's "not ready" to cohabitate etc... 'We're at a very sad place in our relationship :'(
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Old 1st August 2012, 7:23 PM   #9
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Seven years? Holy cow. That's a long time. Not sure why he would have proposed (so early in the game notwithstanding) if he had no intention of following through. Has his OCD gone out of control since the early days?
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Old 1st August 2012, 7:37 PM   #10
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I was struck with how many times you said that you were "alone" as you went through various things in your life the last 7 years. Why did you feel "alone" when you were dating and in love with this man, and he loves you and obviously spent plenty of time and attention on you?

I guess I don't think you should have felt alone during this time. Hasn't he been there with you? Hasn't he been there to support you and help you and listen to you?

If you didn't feel supported and felt "alone" throughout this whole relationship, then living together and/or marriage isn't likely to change that.

Is he in therapy for his OCD?

Maybe some couples counseling would help you two get to the bottom of what his hesitations and "not ready" are about?
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Old 1st August 2012, 9:15 PM   #11
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Well, he hasn't been diagnosed with ocd. It just appears that he's afflicted with it. And when two people don't live in the same home there are many many times when you want to reach out and touch, casually converse, be romantic, laugh or cry, debate, rejoice, or simply lay your eyes on that special someone, etc...and when that person is not there - I feel alone. Cohabitation would absolutely change the feeling of being alone into the feeling of togetherness. As he was not present during those times I mentioned, he was not here. He did not accompany me to many outings/events/occasions. Albeit, he was on the other end of the phone whenever I called, did offer support and an ear - over the phone. Even when one is on the phone with someone, they are still physically alone. I feel that in order to effectively communicate, bond; grow, people need to be together physically. Without physical presence there are no lingering looks, no casual conversation, no loving touches...
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Old 1st August 2012, 9:21 PM   #12
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He hasn't been diagnosed with ocd; he hasn't even looked into it. OCD is just being tossed around here during this conversation. But, it is probable in a mild form. Seven years really is a long time, and I really feel it badly reflects on me as a woman that he hasn't stepped up. I'm embarassed with the fact that we don't even live together. I wonder what our peers say when we're not around. It just seems so very abnormal and I fear that he'll never want the same things that I do, even though he says he does. Talk is cheap, especially after 7 years
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Old 1st August 2012, 9:50 PM   #13
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Peers? I honestly doubt anyone else cares about whether you are living together or married or anything. And if they do, you certainly shouldn't give a damn what they might be thinking. That should have no bearing on anything. This is your life, not a movie that people comment on.

His behavior reflects on no one but himself.
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Old 1st August 2012, 11:52 PM   #14
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Peers? I honestly doubt anyone else cares about whether you are living together or married or anything. And if they do, you certainly shouldn't give a damn what they might be thinking. That should have no bearing on anything. This is your life, not a movie that people comment on.

His behavior reflects on no one but himself.
I agree. Its nobody's business or concern, but ours. Yet I feel spurned - like its an unrequited love - and that makes a tiny piece of me feel kind of ashamed, like, the man I love so deeply doesn't quite feel the same way. Like "what's wrong with me that makes him not want me in the same manner that I want him?" Although, he'd tell you different. And yes, it is my life. And that's the big picture. The thought of spending it alone (except for our regular Saturday "dates" and the odd midweek sighting) and on the phone just strikes fear and pain in my heart. I realized tonight that this is more of an "arrangement" than a healthy relationship. I'm not the arrangement type. If I were, this would be the best thing ever, wouldn't it? I'd have a sexy, funny, successful, much sought after, virile man who isn't adversed to taking me for wonderful, frequent vacations & high end dinners, and I wouldn't have to see him all the time or deal with his whiskers in my sink, hahaha. But I really WANT those pesky whiskers. I want to see him every day after work, and squeeze his buns while walking through the house The heart wants what the heart wants. I've been relatively patient for soooo long, and my love for him has never once even entertained waivering. It's just awful feeling this way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way, and I love him immeasurably. I'm torn between "taking care of number one" and taking a gamble on this beautiful man with whom I have so much history that it feels like he's coursing through my veins... Like you said, It's My life. Torn. Torn. Torn.

Last edited by bbksbabydove; 1st August 2012 at 11:57 PM..
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Old 1st August 2012, 11:58 PM   #15
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Maybe it's time you made good on your ultimatum and walk away. He has no reason to change anything while you are still with him anyway.

He likely won't change anything unless he's more uncomfortable with how things are than with what the change would mean. His ocd-type behavior probably makes it hard for him to do anything that is not scheduled...change is undesirable to him as a default. He's comfortable with how things are now. Shake it up and make him uncomfortable so he may be forced to face his fears and change.

Last edited by norajane; 2nd August 2012 at 12:00 AM..
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