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Mental block orgasm!


HellyaImhopeless

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HellyaImhopeless

Long story short:

 

I'm unable to receive an orgasm with my 'friend with benefit'. We're both 27 years old.

 

Me and him are only sleeping with each other and have been doing this on an average of 3 times per week for a year now, and we spend every single day together. He knows I am in love with him, and have serious feelings for him, and I know he has feelings for me too, but he has made it clear that he does not want a gf. Anyhow, my question is; (as he keeps asking me about this), why can't I orgasm with him?

 

I can easily orgasm on my own, so that's not a problem..

 

Yesterday, I told him that I have a mental block preventing me from orgasming with him as I don't want to get further attached to him when we're just 'friends' and not in a proper relationship. He did not seem to understand this consept of how I could be sleeping with him, yet not wanting to have an orgasm with him.

 

Should I just relax and let go, and get further attached to him? I cannot separate sex and emotions and I told him I'm too scared of orgasming with him as I don't wanna fall in deeper.. He thought it sounded strange since I am already sleeping with him, so why do I have this hangup about having an orgasm with him?

 

Someone please explain to me as I've twisted my head in all directions trying to figure out why I am like this! I know in the back of my mind that once I do 'cum' with him, I'll probably scream out 'I love you' or something, something I am sure he wouldn;t wanna hear, all though he has done it once himself :p

 

Thanks!

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I'm confused: you spend all your time together and you're having sex regularly; what difference is there between that and being boyfriend and girlfriend? What do boyfriends and girlfriends do that you're not doing? How is this not a relationship?

 

What is he afraid of?

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liverpool fc

just relax and let it all out !

 

doesnt that say something if he has said those 3 words once before? ;)

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HellyaImhopeless
I'm confused: you spend all your time together and you're having sex regularly; what difference is there between that and being boyfriend and girlfriend? What do boyfriends and girlfriends do that you're not doing? How is this not a relationship?

 

What is he afraid of?

 

He doesn't want to commit to a serious relationship. The thing that differs us from a normal 'fwb' setup is that we never agreed to a fwb in the start. I slept with him because I was and am still in love with him, and he had showed me he had feelings for me too, but then 4 months into our 'spending time together', he sends me a text saying "Im not wanting a relationship, let's just keep this fun, no strings".

 

His mum has told me he does really like me and care about me, and that he's had his heart broken before, so is scared of commitment incase it goes wrong again, blah blah. :( as much as I really wanna rationalize this, a part of me also thinks it must be because he doesn't see me as 'miss right', just 'miss now'?

 

I don't want to walk away from a good thing, but I also don't want him to turn around next month and say he's got himself a girlfriend. Anyways, now I'm starting to get off track here :p the question was about why I can't let myself go and orgasm with him. He can't understand how I can already have sex with him, but not orgasm if Im worried about getting further attached to him.

 

And yes, he did tell me twice he love me, but it was during some incredibly passionate lovemaking.. he just kept going really slow, on top of me, holding me really tight, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, and looking me deep in the eyes, saying "you know I really love you, and I really care about you?" :love: I questioned him the next day about it, and he says he got carried away in the moment, but a part of him does feel that he loves me. Im so confused!

 

Apart from his family, I am his only friend he gave a christmas present to, and an homemade easter bunny with chocolate. I remember he told me one of the first days we ever spoke, how he never gives things to anyone that doesn't have a place in his heart, so you can understand I am confused, and as a girl, I am overanalysing this day in and day out! I just wanna be with him for the rest of my life!

Edited by HellyaImhopeless
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january2011
I cannot separate sex and emotions

 

Why are you sleeping with him? Hoping he'll change his mind?

 

Reminds me of a quote from the film Devil's Advocate along the lines of, "look but don't touch, touch but don't taste, taste but don't swallow." At which point do you allow yourself to accept that through all these mental locked gates that you've set up for yourselves, you've already passed through them and done the very thing that you didn't want to do?

 

I realise that you're trying to simplify this by reducin it down to a sex question. However, I think that there's more to this than just not being able to allow yourself to orgasm with him. Otherwise, you would have posted in the sex forum and not this one. I think the deeper issue seems to be more along the lines of trying to reconcile your strong feelings for him and his telling you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship which appears to contradict his behaviour and love-making style. I'm very sorry, but I see a world of hurt on the way unless he comes to the conclusion himself that this is already a relationship - just not necessarily the kind with a long-term future and marriage and kids at the end.

 

Edited to add - you're listing all these signs and symbols that you're meant to be together. But until he decides that this is what he wants too, you're not going to be able to move forward with this. Try to step back a bit more and give both of you some space.

Edited by january2011
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Why not just take it at face value and treat is as just a bit of fun, and go and have a bit of fun with other men too? I bet a pound to a penny he won't be happy with that, but that's his choice. Seems to me he has his own issues and you're making a big mistake in trying to figure them out for him. You are the wrong person to do that.

 

If he can't give you what you want i.e. commitment, find someone who can. I suggest the reason you don't orgasm is you don't want to get pregnant with a man who will do a runner claiming "it was just a bit of fun" and leave you literally holding the baby.

 

Not that you consciously intend to get pregnant right now, but your subconscious is designed to select a suitable father for your children.

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IIRC, you have posted your 'dilemma' here several times, and each time, the vast majority of responses advised you to leave this 'FWB' already. You're clearly attached to him emotionally, he stated repeatedly that he only wants a FWB, going deeper down this road is really only going to lead to immense and protracted heartache.

 

Yet you persist.

 

Please, take a long hard look at yourself. You're exclusively hanging around this guy who doesn't want to make ANY commitment to you, not even the commitment of being bf/gf. You're not getting any satisfaction from it. Not emotional, because you're not bf/gf. Not even sexual, which is supposed to be the whole point of FWBs, because clearly you're not the sort of person who is into casual sex. The only reason you're even having casual sex is because you're hoping it'll bring about something greater.

 

But how long are you going to wait for that while holding things up for yourself and getting NOTHING out of it?

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HellyaImhopeless
Why not just take it at face value and treat is as just a bit of fun, and go and have a bit of fun with other men too? I bet a pound to a penny he won't be happy with that, but that's his choice. I suggest the reason you don't orgasm is you don't want to get pregnant with a man who will do a runner claiming "it was just a bit of fun" and leave you literally holding the baby.

 

Not that you consciously intend to get pregnant right now, but your subconscious is designed to select a suitable father for your children.

 

I'm not the type of girl to run off and mess about with guys, I've never even had a one night stand. My heart is into this guy, and he is the only guy I will be kissing and whatnot for as long as I'm in love with him.

 

Sorry, but I don't understand how blocking myself from orgasming and a subconsicious thought of a pregnancy has to do together? Surely every time we have sex, I could technically get pregnant anyway. He lives in the house next door, so I'd leave the baby at his doorstep making him taking care of it if that happens :laugh: (only joking).

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HellyaImhopeless
You're not getting any satisfaction from it. Not emotional, because you're not bf/gf. Not even sexual, which is supposed to be the whole point of FWBs, because clearly you're not the sort of person who is into casual sex. The only reason you're even having casual sex is because you're hoping it'll bring about something greater.

 

I know what you're saying, and I wish I could just take everyone's advice in. I could have been given advice like this to others, but when it comes to myself, I just don't know how to do it. We don't have as much sex anymore, and we're doing a lot more 'things' together, so I am getting some sort of satifaction out of it, being friends with him.

 

Next week, he is coming to my house to make me a huge flower bed in my garden, and he does things around to my house all the time now that he didn't do before, and he is not a man of many words, and I know men do things for women to show them they really care.

 

I have taken a really big effort trying to end up less in the bedroom, and do more things together, which seems to be working. He even took me outside the other week, for a drive on his quad, I was shocked cause this is unusual, but perhaps he is sensing the sex is becoming a tad bit less, I don't know.

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I'm not the type of girl to run off and mess about with guys, I've never even had a one night stand. My heart is into this guy, and he is the only guy I will be kissing and whatnot for as long as I'm in love with him.

 

Sorry, but I don't understand how blocking myself from orgasming and a subconsicious thought of a pregnancy has to do together? Surely every time we have sex, I could technically get pregnant anyway. He lives in the house next door, so I'd leave the baby at his doorstep making him taking care of it if that happens :laugh: (only joking).

 

You are subconsciously withdrawing from sex. You end up posting here about it. You know there's something crooked about this whole deal, and you have internal conflict about it. You are holding back mentally because this one is a bad bet. You know this.

 

You saying "your heart is with this fella" is a cop out. If we all lived by our impulses and urges alone, there would be a lot more rape and murder in the world, not to mention piss and sh*t on the streets. You can take charge of your own life and say "as much as I like the guy, he's not giving me what I need" and do some things that may test your heart but will ultimately help you get what you need.

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HellyaImhopeless

You saying "your heart is with this fella" is a cop out.

 

I really appreciate your time, would you explain this for me please?

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I am seriously unable to determine which colour of cigarette paper there is between what you two are doing now and what a boyfriend and girlfriend would be doing now. Is it sharing feelings? Or being able to have rows and arguments? Or being accountable for misdeeds? Or perhaps it's something else?

 

Maybe he isn't very good at dealing with conflict (or things he feels are conflict) and so is trying to avoid the ugly, hard to express bit of a relationship (the bit that real significant growth and binding love comes from) and you are too, because you go along with it. In which case, you can learn better skills for dispute resolution, conflict management, how to argue effectively and so on. Talking to a relationship counsellor and / or individual counsellors can help you do that.

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I really appreciate your time, would you explain this for me please?

 

I've seen a man half strangling his girlfriends while saying "I'm doing this because I love you". He believed that. His heart was with that girl. It doesn't excuse his behaviour and it doesn't excuse yours.

 

Whatever feelings you have, they are just feelings.

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HellyaImhopeless
I am seriously unable to determine which colour of cigarette paper there is between what you two are doing now and what a boyfriend and girlfriend would be doing now. Is it sharing feelings? Or being able to have rows and arguments? Or being accountable for misdeeds? Or perhaps it's something else?

 

The only difference from what we're doing now and that of a gf/bf is the fact he doesn't want to label us as an official couple, and we don't go 'out on dates'. Some would say he enjoys all the benefits of a relationship without actually committing himself to being in one, because being in a serious relationship according to him always ends, and he is fed up getting broken hearted, so he feels as long as there is no label, he can't get hurt. All though he doesn't share too many feelings, he is a really big softie on the inside and comes across as cocky on the outside to mask how he really is on the inside. He doesn't want people to see that he's a softie.

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HellyaImhopeless
And having the label means what to you?

It means, if anyone asks, I can say I'm in a relationship, because with no label, I am technically 'single'.

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I just Googled "define relationship" and the first definition it comes up with is

 

The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

 

If you and your boyfriend want to keep pretending you don't fit into that definition, fine, go ahead, but by all reasonable means you will be considered to be in a relationship by most people because that's what most people see a relationship as being. It may be a difficult relationship, an imperfect one, one that is troubling you, one bereft of a certain essence or indefinable aspect that you crave or even, in the current normative parlance, an "unhealthy" one, but it is a relationship.

 

You can even say "I'm involved with someone" or "I'm seeing someone" if the R word is such a taboo between you.

 

There's something missing in all this. I believe it's commitment and that's what's pissing you off and affecting your sex life. You will have a very hard time with vanishingly small odds of success in making him commit to you, to commit to being vulnerable. That's a private journey he has to take on his own. The longer you hang around feeding him affection and sex, the longer he can go without taking that journey, and the same goes for you: you will always be at the whim of his neurosis as long as you choose to be. A spell of being single, alone, finding yourself, getting to enjoy your own company, and maturing is the best known cure for such over dependence on someone who cannot give you what you want. It's your choice. Talk to him about it and listen to your heart but decide with your head.

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HellyaImhopeless

Thanks, betterdeal,

 

Most people would probably say I am just someone he hangs about with (having the cake and eat it too) until he find miss right, all though I can't understand why he would invest SO much of his time (every day) with me if that was the case. Maybe he's lonely, and 'anything' is better than being alone?

 

he has more than just friendly feelings for me, but in the end of the day, I want a commitment, not marriage, but just for us to be bf/gf and he can't give me that. He even said last month if I couldn't handle this, then we should stop the sex because he doesn't want tied down, all though we are only sleeping with each other (from what he says). His actions are showing that we're together in every way, (like a pretend relationship I guess), but then his words says we're not, and I've been taught to follow people's actions, so in this case, I'm a bit lost.... happy easter everyone!

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HellyaImhopeless
If it feels like this to you, is it worth it?

 

I dont want to lose what we have, it's very special to me, even if he won't put a label on it. Question is, should I walk away just because he doesn't want to label what we have as a relationship?

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HellyaImhopeless
Only you can answer that.
I know, but my head and heart is in such a limbo I have no idea what to do. Give it some more time maybe, cut back on sex even more, see if he invests more quality time.
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Or go and do something completely different, like go to the gym or yoga or out with the mates, or skinny dipping at midnight or write a book or help an elderly neighbour with their shopping or make a corn circle...

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HellyaImhopeless

Thanks to everyone taking their time replying to this thread.

 

As I've said before, he knows I'm head over heals - yesterday whilst eating dinner at my house (again), yes we eat dinner together about every single day, he looked at me and said "this is lovely, the way to a man's heart is through the belly", then he proceed to kiss me on the cheek in a tender way. Then I said to him, "is that right, can I win his heart by making him food?, then he said "you gotta feed him - and he will love you". Why would he say that to me?

 

We then had sex later on that night (I know, I was trying to avoid it but Im weak for him), he held me really tight, stared at me in the eyes, told me I'm amazing, and kept kissing my forehead with soft gentle kisses.

 

The other day, I paid a surprise visit to his room at his parents house. (he lives at home and Ive only been there twice), and I noticed on his shelf, he had 2 gifts that I had given him, only 2 small ones, an easter egg thing and a beer glass for xmas, just beside a teddybear his mum has given him (he has told me before that his mum is the only woman in his life).He doesn't have anything else anyone has given him out on display, so of course Im wondering.. He must like me more than a friend.

 

Am I over analyzing or what?? God, Im going to end up in a nut house soon.

 

When he 'came' in me yesterday, I wanted so badly to whisper I love you to him, so badly I had a tear running out of my eye, but wiped it away real quick (didnt want him to see I was emotional). We then went in on the sofa, and he scooped his arm around me whilst I lay on his chest. This is not what FWB does, right? .... :love:

Edited by HellyaImhopeless
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