In love with an old friend . . .

[Charlotte123]

This is sort of a long story - I apologize in advance.

 

About 4 years ago I met a guy I'll call M on a dating website and we hit it off. He was so good-looking and had a quirky sense of humor. He was very shy, however, and we only went out a few times (did some kissing and making out) before I met my ex-boyfriend and fell pretty hard for him. M and I continued to be friends and running partners. We would go running on average about 3 times a week during the time I was with my ex-boyfriend (2 1/2 years). Needless to say, we became very close. There was always a bit of flirtation and sexual banter between us, but I had a boyfriend and was convinced at the time that M wasn't "interesting" enough for me because he was so shy (man was I stupid).

 

A little over a year ago, my ex-boyfriend dumped me and I just completely fell apart. Those were some really dark days, and M stood by me and was kind and supportive. Often he would just spend time with me and we wouldn't even talk - he would just be there. At the time, my best friend's husband gave me some bad advice. He said "Charlotte, you need to just go get laid and that will help you get over your ex." It was stupid advice, but I was desperate to try whatever worked because I was so unhappy. So, I mentioned the advice to M and told him that I thought we should sleep together (duh), although I wasn't ready for a relationship. Well, he got really pissed off and things went downhill from there. Finally I told him that i didn't want to go running with him anymore because I wanted to date him and he obviously wasn't interested. He was really mad and quit talking to me for about a year. I tried several times to contact him - every few months I would send an email apologizing again, but he was mad and ignored me.

 

Well today - happy valentine's day! Out of the blue I run into him at the grocery store. He gave me this long look and I was like "Why haven't you answered my emails!" And he said it was because I had told him I didn't want to be friends anymore and it made him really angry. I then said I'm sorry, I really appreciated that he was there for me through that dark time, etc. and he seemed really happy to see me. We exchanged numbers (I have a new one) and texted just a little bit ago about getting together - not to go running (although we talked about doing that as well) - but just to meet for snacks and catch up.

 

Any ideas on how to proceed with this? I honestly feel like (having lost him before) he has been with me through thick and thin and I was an idiot not to have noticed how wonderful he was in the beginning. When you run with someone, you become very close in those long miles. I thought he was out of my life for good and then BOOM there he is.

 

Do I just act like a friend and let him make the first move? Just keep on being friends like we were before? Confess my feelings for him (I'm reluctant to do that), just kiss him? I honestly wanted to just grab him and hold him today when I saw him, but didn't because we were in the grocery store.

 

So I should just pretend like nothing happened last year and be his friend?

[Chameleon]

Please take any advice I give with a grain of salt. I'm no pro. Here's my take:

 

Sounds like M is a good guy. You guys hit it off at first, he probably had a real thing for you. You hooked up with another guy and M hovered around you for years. Obviously you meant a lot to him, probably more than you knew. When you came on to him after the breakup, it was because you realized he meant a lot to you, too. Problem: You made it sound like it was because of some crappy advice, instead of telling him how you felt about him. To be fair, you may not have recognized that yet. He gets angry, because despite his ongoing emotional support he feels used and unloved. You get defensive, because you're dealing with a lot of challenging feelings and now your friend is upset with you. Extremely hurtful for both parties.

 

Year later, you bump into him again. Memories flood back in. Good times, bad times. You both do the reserved thing and play it cool. Secretly, you both want to jump each other in the grocery store but that would be awkward.

 

Your emotions: Guilty, excited, hopeful.

His emotions: Fearful, nervous, apprehensive.

 

Resolution: You will get different advice from every person you ask. You are the only one who knows enough of the details to handle this situation. But try asking yourself these questions.

 

Do you want a relationship with him? If so, do you want it to be built on honesty and forgiveness? If so, I would tell him how you really REALLY feel and find out if..

 

He wants a relationship with you? I've been in his situation before, a lot. It hurts very much, and the only way to get past unrequited love is to move on. He may have moved on. If so, you need to be respectful and understanding of his decision.

 

If neither one of you wants a relationship, fine. Be friends. But who are you kidding, really? You've got a lot of history there that's going to sneak up sooner or later. I'm not saying don't find out. You'll regret it all the more if you avoid the subject entirely or drag it out. Either way, don't get discouraged. There are plenty of folks who have made a relationship out of a situation like yours. And at least as many who have lived on in peace after it didn't work out. The only way to know for certain is to try.

 

P.S. - I very much doubt he'll make the first move. He got burned bad last time. If you have a thing for this guy now, it's on you. If you don't, don't burn him again just because you feel badly about the first time.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Chameleon

[Charlotte123]

Thank you so much for this Chameleon.

 

Well, we talked on the phone for about an hour and made plans to have dinner Friday night. He's his same old self - I told him I had missed him and we talked a little about the old situation. I said I was sorry that I had been such a mess back then (after the breakup) and not listened to his advice. I also talked a little about how he had been there for me and how that meant a lot. I apologized about the sex thing - but again I shrugged it away as bad advice from a friend. I did tell him that I felt very rejected that he didn't want to have sex with me (when I had suggested it ON THE PHONE as a way to get over my ex - duh).

 

Chameleon, what you are saying freaks me out a bit. M is quite stoic. He doesn't express emotion freely and he has a kind of self-deprecating sense of humor. It's hard to tell what he's thinking. Even when we were dating and making out one night in the car, I remember looking in his eyes and being completely unable to read him. He's very much a loner, although he has a few long-term male friends and one female friend who is married. Women really go for him (beautiful women - the last one was gorgeous), but he's so shy and non-expressive that he's never had a girlfriend for long. That said, his actions are loud and clear - he has shown me he cares. He is there. He is supportive. He is consistent. He wants to spend time with me. But does he want a relationship with me?

 

I think he might be attracted to me sexually - he knows I find him very attractive (i always would joke that he was my "hot running partner"). I came very close to kissing him one day when I was still with my ex-boyfriend - there was a lot of sexual tension. But a relationship? The thing is - that's the only thing we could have at this point. If anything happened between us, it would be an emotional as well as a physical connection, and I don't think he trusts me enough to do that. After all, I left him for my ex-boyfriend and then only wanted him back after my ex was gone. I feel like I need to take some time to prove to him that I value him before I just lay it all out on the table.

 

And I'm scared of rejection as well. That's part of why we fell out before - I felt he had rejected my advances. And if he's rejected me once, I sort of feel like I'm not supposed to go there anymore, and if I do then he will be gone again quickly. I guess the question is - did he feel hurt because I suggested we have sex at that particular time (when I was all broken up over my ex) or was he hurt because I was crossing a line I shouldn't have crossed? And how the heck do I find out the answer to that?

 

He doesn't drink, and I don't drink around him because I feel like it's rude, so there's no getting him drunk and seducing him. Should I just make a move at some point? And it's too early now, right? I'm so scared he's going to just disappear. I lost him once before and I don't want to screw it up.

 

What I'm trying to say is that there's something to be said for being honest, but that honesty may risk any chance I have with him (as he's apprehensive) or our entire friendship (if he doesn't feel that way about me). I'm not sure I should spring this on Friday. Although I can't wait to get my arms around him.

Edited February 15, 2012 by Charlotte123

[Chameleon]

Wow, okay. I'm a little worried I stoked a fire here. This is a hot topic for you, and I want you to remember something pretty important. I don't know you, or this fella, and I'm guessing about a lot of this stuff.

 

Your mind is absolutely buzzing, so let's reel it in a touch. Emotions are intense! Also quite valuable, in good measure. Before you talk to this guy next, take some time to relax. Have a nice bath or something, do some meditating, go on a run. Not kidding here, take some deep breaths.

 

You're asking a lot of questions. I do the same thing when I'm flustered. All of your questions are perfectly good questions. Very few of your questions are ones anyone but this guy can answer for you. Until you have a CALM and heartfelt opportunity to ask him, you need to be very patient and accept that you can't know how he feels yet.

 

A big part of what made the time you guys enjoyed together in the past was that it was comfortable, casual, natural. I should apologize to you. I said tell him how you really feel, but you're absolutely right that you shouldn't drop it all on him in one big bawl. Don't dodge the subject, don't wait for him to take every step, definitely don't "seduce" him. Just get comfortable again naturally, and be honest with yourself and with him. What happens will happen.

 

Most of your worries are, in my humble opinion, superfluous. Does he still care for you at all? Yes, or he wouldn't have just spent an hour on the phone with you. How interested is he? Absolutely no way to know yet. It might be purely friendship, and he's being very polite to an old friend. It might be purely sexual, now that he's had some distance. Don't put any eggs in these baskets, at all. You don't know.

 

Here's what you do know: You had a lot of fun with him before. You'd like to try that again. You might want something more, but there's PLENTY of time for that. If you aren't honest with him, it will never be good for you. If honesty means risking your friendship, it isn't a worthwhile friendship any longer. If you lose this guy, frankly, you haven't lost anything you didn't come to terms with once already. Above all, don't be afraid of what might go wrong! Focus on enjoying the time you share for what it is. Ask him the questions that matter to you when you can be comfortable with any answer he has for you.

 

And lastly.. Take this advice only if it is helpful to you in some way. Really. I like to think I'm good with people, but I have just as many problems with my own relationships as anybody else does. Heck, maybe more.

 

(Edit: I read your post again. You knew the guy for a long time, and he was good to you. That certainly counts for something. You also say he's emotionally reserved, spends time with gorgeous women, but doesn't keep relationships long. That CAN be a big red flag on the relationship front. He might be fond of variety at this point in his life. I'm not trying to scare you, but if what you're looking for in him is something serious and long term, this might be a smart question to bring up before you do anything you might regret. Yes, you might not like the answer, but listen carefully and make your own decision. Like ripping off a band-aid.)

Edited February 15, 2012 by Chameleon