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In love with a friend, she doesn't reciprocate


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This is probably going to be one of those stories that get posted here about twice every week, but I'd still like some insight and some advice about my situation.

 

I've been friends with a girl for a couple of years now while secretly having feelings for her. About a year ago I finally manned up and asked her out. She gently let me down, saying she doesn't feel that way about me but she would really like me to still be her friend. Since she's also friends with most of my other friends saying no to that wasn't an option, and to be honest it never crossed my mind either.

 

Since then I've had periods of time where everything was fine, we would talk a lot and I was completely fine with just being friends. From time to time there'd be a couple of days or a few weeks where I couldn't stop thinking about her and I'd be once again 'head over heels'. Luckily I can actually talk to her about this, and she's really cool about it. We stop contact for a while untill I feel better. This happened 2 or 3 times in the past year. After that time we'd go back to talking alot etcetera. Yesterday I had another one of those "episodes". I told her it would be better if we didn't talk for a while, and while she didn't like it she agreed (not like she can do much about it anyway). So here I am sitting behind my computer thinking about her and about what will never happen. I really keep thinking this (the periods of no contact between longer periods of being close friends) isn't really a long term solution, and I don't know if it will get any better if we keep this up.

 

To make matters worse for me, I really like her as a friend. I realise that there'll never be anything between it, and I can accept it even though I don't like it. If we weren't friends (and if it weren't for our mutual friends) I'd say that without a doubt not seeing her or talking to her anymore period would be the best option. However, she's probably one of my best friends. She's mature, smart and we talk really well. Advice she gives me is usually sound and I feel like I can talk to her about any problems I might have. On the other side, I know she feels similarly about me. A lot of the time I feel like I'm the guy she can go to whenever she feels down for whatever reason. Personally I wouldn't want this to end, I really feel she fills a niche in my social circle (as awkward as that sounds), but on the other hand I don't think I want things to go on like this.

 

Just to make this clear, 95% of the time I'm fine with being around her or talking to her. It's just that sometimes something happens that triggers those feelings again and I just keep thinking about her. Something like her being more beautiful than normal or talking about dating or w/e. I just don't want to deal with the 5% of the time anymore really, but on the other hand I don't want to lose her as a friend. What do I do?

 

To make matters more complicated, in 2 weeks the two of us will be going to a music festival (pinkpop, for those who know of it) and we'll be sleeping in a tent together, and a month after that we'll be going on holiday with about 4 other friends. I don't really want to make either of those awkward, but I don't really know what to do from here.

 

For anyone who bothered to read this wall of text, I appreciate any help I can get.

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hey buddy just stay calm and think all over your matter . . .you should stop sharing your problems with because someday she might get irritated with you. . She might get irritated even to pick up your phone just stay cool talk with her and her friends . . .crack jokes make her to share her problems with you . . . .make her feel her world incomplete without you. . . Call her at night at a particular time daily and then dont call her 1 day give sum reason.Always leave her puzzeled like "do u know i had visited this place and a funny incident happend that. . . .ok hey bye gotta go" be a surprise for her dont be an another friend of her. . . .hope you mite be getting all! Best wisher 4 ur future. . . . !!!

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Wow...this is more or less like what I'm experiencing now...except I don't think she knows I like her. We don't really always hang out together but somehow we are comfortable to share our problems together. She has a boyfriend so it's kinda tough for me when she always talk about her boyfriend.

 

My best advice is please refrain talking to her about those "episodes". Perhaps you should talk to somebody else who you feel comfortable with whenever you have that "episodes", instead of her. Trust me, she might get irritated if you keep on like this. She might say she's cool with it, but you never really know how she feels. I know this is very tough for you. Please hang in there.

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@Nkprince: I get what you're saying, but I don't want to hope something will eventually happen between us. I have mentally accepted that nothing will ever happen, it's just that my heart sometimes disagrees. I don't want to make matters worse by actively trying/hoping something will happen, I just want to be able to be friends with her without feeling **** a portion of the time.

 

@Wang101: You're probably right. I was just so used to her being there to talk to if I wanted to that it's just something that I talked to her about naturally. Luckily I recently found another friend to talk to about this and other issues, so in the future I won't have to bother my crush with it. It's probably wiser to just not talk to her and try not to meet friends when I know she'll be there when I feel like this instead of telling her I want us not to hang out for a bit to avoid her getting irritated with the situation. Even if she would be cool with it, it's not her fault I feel like this, and I can't really turn my problem into her problem.

 

And hang in there. Let's just hope it gets better with time (or she dumps the bf after realising she wants you ;) ). It seriously sucks when she thinks she can talk to you about anything, and every time they mention "boyfriend", "date" or w/e it stings, but on the other hand it's tough to make her stop sharing her issues.

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@Wang101: You're probably right. I was just so used to her being there to talk to if I wanted to that it's just something that I talked to her about naturally. Luckily I recently found another friend to talk to about this and other issues, so in the future I won't have to bother my crush with it. It's probably wiser to just not talk to her and try not to meet friends when I know she'll be there when I feel like this instead of telling her I want us not to hang out for a bit to avoid her getting irritated with the situation. Even if she would be cool with it, it's not her fault I feel like this, and I can't really turn my problem into her problem.

 

And hang in there. Let's just hope it gets better with time (or she dumps the bf after realising she wants you ;) ). It seriously sucks when she thinks she can talk to you about anything, and every time they mention "boyfriend", "date" or w/e it stings, but on the other hand it's tough to make her stop sharing her issues.

 

I'm not sure it is a good move for you to ask her to stop talking to you for awhile. I think it might affect your friendship with her. It's better if you two can still talk other stuff to keep your friendship alive. Just my 2 cents.

 

Yeah, it really hurts whenever they mention about their boyfriend. I almost tell her I'm not the person who she can talk about other guys with anymore but I didn't do it fearing it might affect our friendship. It's tough to be pretending in front of her.

 

At least you manned up and confessed to her. Well, glad that you found someone else to talk to.

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I'm not sure it is a good move for you to ask her to stop talking to you for awhile. I think it might affect your friendship with her. It's better if you two can still talk other stuff to keep your friendship alive. Just my 2 cents.

 

Yeah, it really hurts whenever they mention about their boyfriend. I almost tell her I'm not the person who she can talk about other guys with anymore but I didn't do it fearing it might affect our friendship. It's tough to be pretending in front of her.

 

At least you manned up and confessed to her. Well, glad that you found someone else to talk to.

It might not be the best idea no, but I don't really like the alternative of having that jolt in my stomach every time she starts a conversation on skype. I know for a fact she's not the kind of person that would stop being friends over it, so while it's not ideal I don't think it'd hurt her too much.

 

And hey, perhaps she realises she needs me during the coming 2 weeks :rolleyes:

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And hey, perhaps she realises she needs me during the coming 2 weeks :rolleyes:

 

LOL...I thought you're not wanting more from her anymore.

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Green_eyes

Been there, done that, still getting over it! ;)

 

I've had a crush on a very good friend of mine - and she's not interested in anything more than friendship. Having said that, she's a very good friend.

 

Try and stay cool about it, and see what transpires. You might be surprised at the outcome. You've told her how you feel, so there is no doubt that she knows, rest assured that she will have thought about it but for whatever reason, she doesn't want anything more than friendship at the moment. However, now you've got to leave it at that. You don't want to be the creepy guy that can't take no for an answer!

 

Speaking to friends is a good idea - a very good friend of mine offered me a very thought provoking piece of advice. Having a crush on someone can stop you from getting to know the real person.

 

Don't stop talking to her though. It would be a shame to loose her as a friend. The exception to this of course, is if it is really tearing you apart - but for the most part it sounds like you have it under control.

 

@Wang - not to drag this off topic, but I feel for you. Knowing the person you want to be with is with someone else must be hard.

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[/b]However, now you've got to leave it at that. You don't want to be the creepy guy that can't take no for an answer!

 

That's so true. As I said before, it is better not to talk about his feelings to her anymore. He might sound creepy and desperate if he keeps doing it, which is a huge turn off to girls in my opinion.

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I had a similar situation a very long time ago. I accepted his "No," but battled feelings for several years. What helped is that I knew I had a crush and that I didn't have to take the feelings seriously. I used to have these waves of "love" for him, but I muddled through and dated other people. Even when I was in a serious relationship, I still kinda liked him, but I was completely in love with my boyfriend. Over a period of 7 (yes, 7) long years, the feelings faded.

 

Fast forward, 10 years. This man is my best friend because I channeled my romantic feelings into a deep friendship. He is more than a best friend, he is like blood. I hope when I'm in the nursing home, he lives nearby. I absolutely adore that man. But as friends - we both have had many relationships over the years.

 

I think my story is the happiest ending ever. We stayed friends and we are coming up on 20 years of knowing each other. And my platonic friendship with him is the longest relationship I've ever had.

 

Be patient with that 5% that "loves" her. It will likely never go away, but it may transform into real caring.

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hi buddy i never mean to hope but just be cool never tell her your feelings. As when she comes to you, just be that important strong person in her life .And u have made your mind to be just friends so just make your worth in her life. . . . Be proud and dont think that u have been rejected :)

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Sacred-Self

Man, at this stage you need to really accept reality and start letting her go. You're in limbo, if you truly accepted the fact that you will only be friends and that's it it would be impossible for you to keep fueling these feelings. Let her go. Talk to other girls.

 

Stop living in denial, stop pretending like you're happy with a friendship when your heart isn't. Cut her out for a while that's my advice, and talk to new girls don't go on these upcoming trips get yourself some distance.

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gobble_de_gook
This is probably going to be one of those stories that get posted here about twice every week, but I'd still like some insight and some advice about my situation.

 

I've been friends with a girl for a couple of years now while secretly having feelings for her. About a year ago I finally manned up and asked her out. She gently let me down, saying she doesn't feel that way about me but she would really like me to still be her friend. Since she's also friends with most of my other friends saying no to that wasn't an option, and to be honest it never crossed my mind either.

 

Since then I've had periods of time where everything was fine, we would talk a lot and I was completely fine with just being friends. From time to time there'd be a couple of days or a few weeks where I couldn't stop thinking about her and I'd be once again 'head over heels'. Luckily I can actually talk to her about this, and she's really cool about it. We stop contact for a while untill I feel better. This happened 2 or 3 times in the past year. After that time we'd go back to talking alot etcetera. Yesterday I had another one of those "episodes". I told her it would be better if we didn't talk for a while, and while she didn't like it she agreed (not like she can do much about it anyway). So here I am sitting behind my computer thinking about her and about what will never happen. I really keep thinking this (the periods of no contact between longer periods of being close friends) isn't really a long term solution, and I don't know if it will get any better if we keep this up.

 

To make matters worse for me, I really like her as a friend. I realise that there'll never be anything between it, and I can accept it even though I don't like it. If we weren't friends (and if it weren't for our mutual friends) I'd say that without a doubt not seeing her or talking to her anymore period would be the best option. However, she's probably one of my best friends. She's mature, smart and we talk really well. Advice she gives me is usually sound and I feel like I can talk to her about any problems I might have. On the other side, I know she feels similarly about me. A lot of the time I feel like I'm the guy she can go to whenever she feels down for whatever reason. Personally I wouldn't want this to end, I really feel she fills a niche in my social circle (as awkward as that sounds), but on the other hand I don't think I want things to go on like this.

 

Just to make this clear, 95% of the time I'm fine with being around her or talking to her. It's just that sometimes something happens that triggers those feelings again and I just keep thinking about her. Something like her being more beautiful than normal or talking about dating or w/e. I just don't want to deal with the 5% of the time anymore really, but on the other hand I don't want to lose her as a friend. What do I do?

 

To make matters more complicated, in 2 weeks the two of us will be going to a music festival (pinkpop, for those who know of it) and we'll be sleeping in a tent together, and a month after that we'll be going on holiday with about 4 other friends. I don't really want to make either of those awkward, but I don't really know what to do from here.

 

For anyone who bothered to read this wall of text, I appreciate any help I can get.

 

 

Go by your instinct !

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you can't do anything, you're friendzoned, it's over, I've been there

 

get over her, stop thinking about her, stop talking to her and seeing her if you have to and focus on other girls, because it is a lost cause

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