My Soon to be Ex Husband and Ex Best Friend/Bridesmaid are dating

[VBetrayed]

In Novemeber I left my husband of 2 years and 1 week. We were together for 9 years. I wasn't the best wife but I wasn't the worst either. He was a good man, never hit me and never cheated, that I know of. According to mutual friends who have now more than become just his friends, he was miserable without me and cried often. We tried to make it work and he betrayed me by lying about a woman at work who I thought he was more then too friendly with. Our relationship was very civil. He payed for the entire divorce no problem and we both sobbed in the parking lot. In March I met this wonderful man who I love more than anything. He makes me feel whole. I never told my ex to be about him but I did that so he wouldn't be hurt. 3 days ago I found out that my soon to be ex is in a "serious and sexual" relationship with my old best friend. This girl helped me plan every part of my wedding and was like a sister to me. I cannot stop thinking about it and it is killing me. When i confronted my ex he said he saw nothing wrong with what is going on.

Am I wrong to be upset? Are they wrong to not care? Please help!!

[WTRanger]

It's strange at best, but in no means is she off limits to him. Focus on the new guy in your life to forget what they are doing. If you can start dating again, so can he. Besides, she's your ex-best friend and he's your ex-husband. There too many ex's in that sentence for you to care about what they are doing. So let them have a shot at being happy. Are you the only one who can feel whole again by finding someone new?

 

Tell me, where do you think the hurt is coming from? The fact that he's moving on from you and no longer pining away and miserable, or the fact that he's dating someone you used know.

[Angel1111]

I'm confused - why are you calling him your soon to be ex when you're divorced? Maybe I missed something.

 

Granted, what your friend is doing isn't in the best taste. She should've contacted you to let you know or to ask if it would affect her relationship with you. But if the two of you aren't really close anymore, but mere acquaintences, then she probably isn't concerned about the effect it might have. As far as your ex, it's his right to date whoever he wants and he isn't obligated to consult with you about it. I think your friend has more to answer for than he does.

 

I think you need to let it go in terms of it 'killing' you but I do understand why this would bother you. It's a form of betrayal - particularly because she didn't discuss it with you before you heard about it from somewhere else.

[VBetrayed]

I just feel like it's so wrong of her because she helped me plan the entire wedding. I feel like a fool. He was always obsessed with her coming over and being with us 24/7 so I am convinced the reason he let our marriage fall apart is so he could be with her. There are millions of other men and women out there, why did they have to be together. A few weeks ago he was still trying to be with me....I think he is using her to get over me and trying to make me insane.

I call him my soon to be ex because the divorce isn't final yet

[Angel1111]

I just feel like it's so wrong of her because she helped me plan the entire wedding. I feel like a fool. He was always obsessed with her coming over and being with us 24/7 so I am convinced the reason he let our marriage fall apart is so he could be with her. There are millions of other men and women out there, why did they have to be together. A few weeks ago he was still trying to be with me....I think he is using her to get over me and trying to make me insane.

I call him my soon to be ex because the divorce isn't final yet

 

Yea, that is really awful. How has your relationship been with your friend since your wedding? What do you mean that he was obsessed about her coming over all the time - that he was annoyed by it, or that he was always wanting her to be there? I guess you've considered this possibility but I wonder if they had an affair while you and he were still married. I think when a friend does this to another friend, it's truly horrible. I can't believe she is doing this. It makes you wonder what she was thinking the whole time she was helping you with the wedding. I makes you question everything - like was there something between them even before the wedding. I don't know what to tell you except that I think I'd have to talk to her about it.

[candymoon]

It's disgusting. Real friends would never ever date someone their bff was in love with even if it's over. It's cruel and wrong. She probably had her eye on him for ages, but should never have acted on it. When a good friend, you've shared your wedding day with, confided your problems, hopes and fears to, laughed and cried with betrays you like that there is no going back. And he is a pig. I'd go NC with them both. Close that chapter of your life. Time to focus on your present and future.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Huh?

 

Wait a minute she left him, and divorced him!

 

But now when he's dating one of her single former friends, it's a problem?

 

Wtf?

 

The only thing I think was wrong was that, the friend didnt call the OP up and bring it to her attention, She could have had the common decency to ask if it was cool. I mean the OP has moved on right? she's dating someone else right?

 

I think deep, DEEP down inside she still loves her ex husband. She knows it. and we can see it in her writing. It's sad...

 

Why dont she tell her ex, that she has a problem with it, but why would she, KWIM?

 

What does she want? Because if she didnt have a problem with it, she wouldnt be posting about it. right?

[Angel1111]

...Huh?

 

Wait a minute she left him, and divorced him!

 

But now when he's dating one of her single former friends, it's a problem?

 

Maybe this is a thing more with women than with men, but most women know not to cross this line. Especially close friends. Their exes are off-limits.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Maybe this is a thing more with women than with men, but most women know not to cross this line. Especially close friends. Their exes are off-limits.

 

Not entirely true. Men have bros before hoes. if anything. And even then we as men would ask homie, if he has truly moved on, is it cool if i could smash that. Females be treacherous as F***. lol.

 

Some guys probably wont care, some guys might have an issue with it, then eventually let go and accept it. and you have others do not sleep with any of his exes!!! DO NOT SLEEP with any of them. lol.

 

And alot of times, those female friends, the one's who dont like your boyfriend. those be the same one's years later, oh I bumped into so and so, he's looking kinda good, lost weight and everything, oh we went out to get a drink as friends, next week we're probably gonna catch a flick. We're just friends. nothings going on.

 

LOL. right?

[BentSpine]

In March I met this wonderful man who I love more than anything. He makes me feel whole.

Why not hope the same for your friend and ex, wishing them good luck.

 

Even great friends don't value precisely everything the same. Friends may empathise when we have issues with a partner but won't judge the parner exactly the same, at least if they are adult enough to stand up for their own views. You didn't want him, but doesn't mean that your friend will judge him the same. What qualities in a mate one will consider a deal breaker can for another person be compensated for, we all differ how much value different qualities.

[WTRanger]

It's a simple case of jealousy. She knows that her ex-husband is moving on and she no longer can feel like she holds all of the post-breakup power. To make things better, the jealousy monster is being fed by the fact that he's dating an old friend of hers. She wants him (and probably her old friend)to be miserable and single the rest of his life while she is free to date whomever she wants and Lord that fact over him like she's the queen of England. Admit it, you loved to hear that he was down in the dumps. You didn't tell him you were dating because you didn't want to hurt him, well golly-gee let's nominate you for a Nobel Prize!

 

This man was always civil towards you, payed for the divorce, and generally treated you well while you were together. Why shoudn't he be able to do whatever he wants! He's no longer married to you. You have ZERO control over what he does. Let the man be happy for Christ's sakes. Considering the divorce went so well, at least as well as they can go, you should be so lucky. Usually those things are nothing short of nuclear war.

 

Nobody betrayed anyone here. If exes couldn't date a friend of the ex's humans as a species would have died out eons ago or we'd at least all be inbred retards by now. And shouldn't the OP be focusing on her new relationship? Besides, you were dating before the ink was even dry on your divorce papers. So why can't he, regardless of who it is? And if this girl is an old friend or ex-friend, why do you even care?

[VBetrayed]

I will always in someway love my ex husband but I in no way want him back...I never wanted bad things for him or anything. I understand I left and as my friend said "You put garbage out on the street someone is bound to go dumpster diving..." I just feel gross about what they might talk about when they talk about me. I don't know how they can be together and not think of me all the time. When I first started dating I mentioned him a lot and it bothered my boyfrend so I had to make a consicene effort not to mention him, so how can he deny that I am even a thought...Plus he has our bed, TV, and couch set. I know I know I need to get over it and that separately we both need to move on...but it doesn't make the hurt any less. This is someone I trusted and loved and I feel like I almost have to second guess all my friends now with my current boyfriend because "what if...". It's a really crappy situation. I felt like my legs were knocked out from underneith me. Can't I just think he's a dick and she's a bitch for doing this? I guess time is the only thing to make it hurt less.

[VBetrayed]

Yea, that is really awful. How has your relationship been with your friend since your wedding? What do you mean that he was obsessed about her coming over all the time - that he was annoyed by it, or that he was always wanting her to be there? I guess you've considered this possibility but I wonder if they had an affair while you and he were still married. I think when a friend does this to another friend, it's truly horrible. I can't believe she is doing this. It makes you wonder what she was thinking the whole time she was helping you with the wedding. I makes you question everything - like was there something between them even before the wedding. I don't know what to tell you except that I think I'd have to talk to her about it.

 

We stopped talking for the most part about a year after we got married because she and her then boyfriend had some drug issues and my then husband thought she was "white trash" and he didn't want me associating with her. Before that he wanted her there all the time..."Why can't ****** come?" "Where's ******?" "Tell ****** I said Hi" After we stopped being friends though I'd hear him snickering at his phone and look over to me and when I'd ask who he was texting he'd say no one but then start talking about skydiving, which is something she did. We went to a baptism for a mutual friend and saw her and the whole time he talked to her about skydiving and how he thought I wouldn't care if he did it, which I would. I felt it was VERY inapproprite for him to be carrying on like that with someone I wasn't close with anymore let alone another woman. I realize now how shady they were...

[freestyle]

sisters before misters........

 

 

Yep, she definitely broke the code..

 

It would be one thing if you guys had been casual friends, but she was your best girlfriend, your confidante........she was the one you trusted to discuss your marital issues with. It sounds like the info you divulged may have been used against you...

 

It does sound like there may have been more going on behind the scenes than you realize, based on your recent posts.

 

I think you have every right to feel angry, upset......your girlfriend committed a huge breach of trust. It's a crappy feeling---IMO, it's worse being betrayed by a best girlfriend----after all, they're the ones who are supposed be our rocks---the ones who are always there, even when men come and go.

 

I guess you can take some comfort in having a new guy in your life---but I don't blame you one bit for feeling like you've been stabbed in the back by a former friend.---it's gonna take some time to get past that.In the meantime, don't let anyone try to tell you that you're wrong to feel what you feel----emotions are never right or wrong, they simply are. You feel what you feel. Period.

[Angel1111]

Can't I just think he's a dick and she's a bitch for doing this? I guess time is the only thing to make it hurt less.

 

It's exactly what I'm thinking about them.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Huh?

 

You guys are divorced!?!? Why would he be thinking about you!!!!

 

WTF?

 

Yeah she went back on the code, but

 

You did leave him and divorce him, so he was kinda fair game.

 

Why do you care so much, you just said you dont want him back, so why do you care who he's screwing!?

 

Let it go....

 

It sucks but in the long run, both of you will be better off.

 

Why give it more power in your mind. The more you obsess over it, it will never die.

[Theideaofme]

It's interesting how emotionally involved you've become with his situation when you've made a transition into a new relationship. I say that with no sarcasm, i truly find it something to be analyzed. But only you can do that properly.

 

In my opinion it seems that you may have moved into another relationship too soon. I say this only because it would appear that you still have an emotional tie (whether they be good or bad emotions) to your ex. You've brought baggage into your new relationship, when perhaps you should've taken some time for yourself before entering this new relationship. It's a sound decision to take the time to figure things about yourself and allow time for you to truly become emotionally detached from your situation so that you can take a step back and view the situation with a clear unbiased head. One of the most inconsiderate things we can do is drag our baggage to someone else's front porch, it helps to start a new relationship with a clean head and conscience, that way your decisions in your new relationship aren't completely and emotionally based off of the negative emotions taken away from your previous one. You've invested so much emotionally in your past relationship, and it would appear that you've merely made your new bf a cosigner to your situation.

 

In short, I'm not saying you should seek out your ex again. I'm saying that maybe you should've been single for a little while longer. Then again, i'm biased

[whichwayisup]

It's jealously and knowing that something "could have" been brewing between them behind your back.. It is possible, but I doubt it. maybe they just had a connection back then and never pursued it.. And, now that you two are about to be divorced, you've found someone else and fallen inlove, he's moved on as well - To someone who he was fond of years ago.

 

It's up to you how this goes. Confront them, fight with them, make it hard on them .. Or, just wish them well and move on with your life with your new man.

 

Do you have children with your ex? If so, I can see hurt feelings, jealously and possible issues .. But if no kids, just move on and let go.

[elaina]

In Novemeber I left my husband of 2 years and 1 week. We were together for 9 years. I wasn't the best wife but I wasn't the worst either. He was a good man, never hit me and never cheated, that I know of. According to mutual friends who have now more than become just his friends, he was miserable without me and cried often. We tried to make it work and he betrayed me by lying about a woman at work who I thought he was more then too friendly with. Our relationship was very civil. He payed for the entire divorce no problem and we both sobbed in the parking lot. In March I met this wonderful man who I love more than anything. He makes me feel whole. I never told my ex to be about him but I did that so he wouldn't be hurt. 3 days ago I found out that my soon to be ex is in a "serious and sexual" relationship with my old best friend. This girl helped me plan every part of my wedding and was like a sister to me. I cannot stop thinking about it and it is killing me. When i confronted my ex he said he saw nothing wrong with what is going on.

Am I wrong to be upset? Are they wrong to not care? Please help!!

 

Hello VBetrayed,

 

I'm sorry. I'm a little confused. Are you in love with another man, who is not your ex? Do you want to reconcile with your exhusband?

 

I understand how you are betrayed. That's horrible, but isn't it better to move forward in the present with the man you love and who loves you?

Edited August 12, 2010 by elaina

[Lionblade]

It's exactly what I'm thinking about them.

 

So let me get this straight;

 

1) She vowed to marry him for life before God, friends and family.

 

2) Divorces and leaves him after just 2 years.

 

3) Then she moves on from a 9 year relationship and onto another man within only 3 months (so much for grieving) WHILE he pays for all the divorce fees and fully respects her decision.

 

Somehow he's a dick? Wow.

 

He has a right to be happy as much as she has with WHOMEVER that may be. The only person in the wrong is the gf for not telling her about it before a relationship with her ex matured.

Edited August 12, 2010 by Lionblade

[Angel1111]

So let me get this straight;

 

1) She vowed to marry him for life before God, friends and family.

 

2) Divorces and leaves him after just 2 years.

 

3) Then she moves on from a 9 year relationship and onto another man within only 3 months (so much for grieving) WHILE he pays for all the divorce fees and fully respects her decision.

 

Somehow he's a dick? Wow.

 

He has a right to be happy as much as she has with WHOMEVER that may be. The only person in the wrong is the gf for not telling her about it before a relationship with her ex matured.

 

I agree that the gf is the one who's culpable here. But I can't believe the people here who are saying that the OP should be ok with this. Most people would not be ok with their best friend getting together with their ex. It would piss me off immensely. I might feel a little better about it if my friend talked to me about it first and I probably wouldn't try to stop them from being together if that happened, but I'd be uncomfortable around her after that. This has nothing to do with not thinking the ex has a right to happiness and it has nothing to do with lingering feelings. As stated earlier, it's crossing a line that friends shouldn't cross. As far as her ex is concerned, I agree he doesn't have to answer to her about anything. My agreement in the earlier post was really aimed at the friend, just as I said in a post prior to that.

[whichwayisup]

It seems she's said ex bestfriend, so obviously something changed in the past, not recently..Unless I'm mistaken?

[movingon2]

In some cases it can work out.

 

My brother married his best friends wife after they divorced from 2 year marriage and 1 child. My brother was the best man in their wedding. There were no affairs while they were married it just didn't work. They got married because she was pregnant.

 

He now has 2 more children with her and the first child lives with my brother also.

 

They get along pretty good now but it's been like 13 years since this all happened. I'm not too sure how it was at first.

[candymoon]

I agree that the gf is the one who's culpable here. But I can't believe the people here who are saying that the OP should be ok with this. Most people would not be ok with their best friend getting together with their ex. It would piss me off immensely. I might feel a little better about it if my friend talked to me about it first and I probably wouldn't try to stop them from being together if that happened, but I'd be uncomfortable around her after that. This has nothing to do with not thinking the ex has a right to happiness and it has nothing to do with lingering feelings. As stated earlier, it's crossing a line that friends shouldn't cross. As far as her ex is concerned, I agree he doesn't have to answer to her about anything. My agreement in the earlier post was really aimed at the friend, just as I said in a post prior to that.

 

Agreed about the ex BFF.

 

Though it does make me wonder... why would theXH go out with the XW's BFF? They were married 9 years, which means she is pretty ingrained as XW's best friend in his brain. Besides a piece of ass what's he get out of it? I mean, the BFF is a constant reminder of the decade he spent married to a woman who dumped him. You'd think he'd be running to distance himself from it all, not have constant reminders. Perhaps he's a serious masochist.

[candymoon]

In some cases it can work out.

 

I think it's more about whether it is in good taste and less about their long-term future.