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Feel Terrible....


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mustangsally

My ex and I broke up mutually about a year and a half ago. It was the most serious and intense relationship either one of us had had to date. When we broke up, he didn't really want to talk to me because he wanted to move on--which was fair enough.

 

Then I had a personal tragedy happen in my life and I really needed him and he wasn't there for me. He was actually kind of rude about it. So I, immaturely, avoided him. He would sometimes try and contact me and ask me to come over or want to talk on IM, but I would usually just be short with him and ignore him.

 

Finally, I got to a place where I was okay with it and I sent him a long letter apologizing for acting the way I did and letting him know why I was so angry. He then called me and we talked on the phone for about two hours.

 

I then was going on vacation to his city (I had since moved), so he suggested we get lunch. I got ill, but I was planning to move back to the same place, so we decided to raincheck.

 

I e-mailed him about it and got no response. Then I e-mailed him again, no response. So I e-mailed him a third time and said "Hey, if you don't want to see me, I'd rather you just tell me than ignore me. I'll respect it." So he sent me kind of a caustic letter back questioning why I would think he was ignoring me and he definitely wanted to get together.

 

So we did. And it was great...although old feelings sort of came back. He asked me to hang out the next evening with him, and I did. We went out and he stayed with me the whole night, even though I told him to hang out with his friends. He got a little drunk and started talking about how attracted he was to me. We texted a little bit. I realized I was really attracted to him, but I know relationship with him won't work because of some things about him. So I thought maybe he'd go for the idea of friends with benefits. I asked him about it, then I got embarrassed and apologized right away for making things awkward. He told me I hadn't made anything awkward and that he was definitely attracted to me and felt chemistry, but that that's not what he was looking for. I told him I understood and I still wanted to be friends, but I wasn't looking to be with him romantically.

 

So then later that week, I texted him to come over just as friends. He didn't respond, which he sometimes doesn't do because he's busy, so I texted him again. Then I got a really, kind of rude, e-mail about how he's not ready to be just friends and how could I possibly even think he's ready and it's all my fault for pushing this friends thing way too hard and it needs to happen naturally. I told him I was pushing because he often seemed unavailable and I felt like it was up to me to make plans and that I was ready...I didn't know he wasn't because he never told me he wasn't.

 

When I wrote that to him, he said something about the fact that we aren't friends, we don't have a foundation and that he doesn't have the "instinct" to message me because he's lost it since we haven't been in contact over the past year or so.

 

I posted on another forum and was basically told it was my fault for pushing too hard, that he just wanted to be cordial and polite and I pushed. And now I feel terrible....like I could have lost a friendship with someone important because I pushed too hard...but I didn't know I was pushing...and he gave me the signals that he DID want to hang out with me....not just polite or cordialness....But I feel terrible. I know there's nothing I do any more because it'll just be interpreted as pushing further...but I feel awful. I didn't mean to push or make him feel uncomfortable.

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Peaceful Guy

out there somewhere, is a bucket of warm water sitting in the middle of a snowy field. in the bucket is a blanket. a woman (this time) stands beside the bucket. every so often she pulls the blanket from the warm water and wraps herself in it, providing temporary relief from the cold. soon enough, just like always, the cold air sucks the warmth from the blanket leaving her colder than before. over the horizon - just over the horizon, is a warm lodge, filled with song and drink and dancing, but she doesn't know its there. so she stays, dips the blanket once more in the bucket, and shivers as the water slowly cools. ya dig?

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