something rare

[blueskiednclear]

He says some day we'll get married. He says I'm his only true blue friend in the world. He says so many things but never seems to be able to put those words into actions during the rare moments we're together.

 

He lives far away. We only see each other a few times a year because neither of us have time and money enough to make the long journey back and forth. He says the distance is the only thing stopping us from taking our friendship to the next level. But he fell in love with someone who lives even further away from him than I do, and distance didn't seem to matter in that relationship. She treated him terribly and didn't understand him, and he is still obsessed with her. This makes me feel worthless. Because I don't know what she has that I don't. I can only wonder why he insists that I am so meaningful to him, when he isn't willing to feel for me what he felt for her. I feel twisted up inside and confused, like I'm filling a void for him inbetween relationships.

 

We've been "friends" for a long time. Only once were we intimite and that was a few years ago. Recently he's remarked that it's a shame I'm no longer attracted to him, and I responded that I don't plan on being with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with. He said he didn't understand, and immediately equated that with some kind of disinterest in him. He was upset. I don't know why. He knows I care for him as a good friend of mine.

 

We seem to share so much in common and we never run out of things to laugh about. I feel myself falling for him every time we meet but I have to hold back. Because in the past I've fallen hard for him and when I've told him he always seems to suddenly lessen his interest in me and find someone else within a matter of days.

 

The last time this happened we didn't talk for months. He repeatedly e-mailed me and asked me why we no longer kept in contact and I could hardly bring myself to admit to him how hurt I felt that he seemed to turn his back on me the minute I expressed more than platonic interest in him. So I backed off and I didn't say anything about it. I figured I'd get over it eventually. And I did.

 

We became friends again and he started dropping the usual hints about wanting to see me, and how I'm the only one who truly understands him, and all kinds of other complimentary statements. We met up this past week and spent three days together. I felt myself falling in love with him and I didn't want to. Because I know in my heart that the moment I open up and admit I want to be with him, he's going to turn his back on me and act cold, or he's going to give me some kind of excuse about distance.

 

I feel close to him. Like I can say anything, and we can do anything together and there is just this open, endless possibility for anything to happen. When I see him I want to be close to him. I want to put my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. He doesn't seem to feel much of anything. He's mentioned being in love with his last girlfriend who he only saw two or three times a year, and he still obsesses over her and to be perfectly honest, they shared nothing at all in common and she was a mean-spirited bitch who broke off their relationship after cheating on him and telling him he didn't make enough money to support her.

 

And here I am. I've always been here. I've always cared, and he knows that, but he seems to take for granted that I'll always just be on the back burner. He keeps falling in love with these girls who are not his equal, and then he complains to me when things go sour. He wants me to console him and tell him how terrific he is.

 

I haven't had a decent relationship in three years. When I met him I was stunned by how similar we are in every way. We seem to be able to understand each other perfectly in every way except for romantically.

 

I feel rejected. I feel lonely and sad because this person who should just be a friend is always becoming more than that to me. And as much as I know he would have fallen for me by now if he felt anything, I am foolish enough to expect it to happen.

 

I haven't met anyone like this before. No one has ever made me feel this strongly for them. And it hurts like hell to know I'll never seem to be good enough for more than just a shoulder to cry on, or to half-jokingly suggest marriage to, and to know I don't seem to want to get over him.

 

I'm confused. Part of me wants to close this chapter of my life and walk away from it because it hurts to much to continue on. I tell myself, if he truly wanted me to be with him he would've been right here helping me pack my things so I could move away with him.

 

I hate being friends with someone I'm in love with and trying to hide my feelings. I don't want to be the rejected one. I don't want to be the last one on his list. I'm sick of hearing him complain about girlfriends who treat him like crap. I'm sick of him not taking me seriously. There are so many parts of our friendship that are blurry.

 

He actually jokes about how I should make out with him. He says he's jealous of the guys I date. He says things about how similar we are, and how only I can understand some of the things he talks about. He says I'm a good catch. And then he turns around and runs after some girl he hardly even knows, all in hopes of finding love that he can't seem to realize I can give him.

 

And as I said before, I'm the crazy, foolish one for letting this spiral on for years. I stop talking to him for months and I feel nothing, and then all it takes are a few e-mails or a phone conversation and I'm back where I started from. As much as I want to walk away, he really means a lot to me as a friend because he's one of the rare people I can actually relate to on a personal level.

 

It's all so confusing. What I want is to be with him. What he wants is unclear. His actions seem to indicate that he wants to settle down with some random girl, and I am only some distraction along the way -- I am someone to fun and interesting for him to share things with. It's painful as hell. I haven't felt anything this strong for anyone else in years. And to know that it's going no where makes the pain even greater.

 

At this point I can't eat or sleep. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and I can't stop drinking. I'm afraid he doesn't like me for some physical reason. I just want to know why I'm never good enough. I'm sick of being just friends, I want something more, and I'm afraid to let this slip away. But on the other hand I have enough foresight to know that he will only break my heart again.

 

On a last note... I never told him he broke my heart by dating other people when he said he was interested in me. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I have a hard time believing it's just distance keeping us apart. I can't seem to get it through my head that this shouldn't be a challenge. This shouldn't be so rough. And if he cared, he would be here. Right?

[BiancaRura]

Everything you said sounds EXACTLY like what Ive been going through for the past 6 or so years..... so I guess I dont have any advice for you since thats my situation and I cant figure a "way out" of it even when it deals with me.

[quankanne]

a relationship should challenge a person, but not to the point where that person is physically hurting him/herself because it's so confusing. Love shouldn't have to hurt -- in any which way!

 

maybe -- and this probably will be hard to do -- you need to just walk away from your relationship with him and give yourself a time to heal. If he's been jerking you around all this time, telling you that you're his soulmate, but then hurting you the way he has, he's not interested in your welfare, sweetie: he just wants a partner for his mind games. You deserve much better than that, especially when you show that you're willing to put up with the crap he's pulling.

 

like I said before, true love shouldn't have to hurt like this, and you deserve much much better than what he's offering.

[midori]

And I have myself, so it's a big question for me too.

 

What's a good way to flirt with the idea of love, feel romance and the teasing, delightful possibility of love, without having to get down to the nitty-gritty of a relationship? Fall in love with someone who lives far away. Or with whom a relationship is impossible for other reasons (like: they don't return your feelings, they have unreasonable expectations, they are involved with someone else). The great thing about doing something like this is that you never have to take responsibility for your own happiness. You'll have a ready-made excuse for why your life isn't all that you want it to be: "things would be great if only I didn't live 700 miles away from the woman I love," or "things would be great if only I weren't in love with a demanding b*tch who frequently won't give me the time of day."

 

Uh, yeah.

 

The thing is, especially after all these years, if this guy wanted to be with you, he'd have figured out a way to make that happen. You think it's just the distance. Try this: tell him that you're thinking of moving to where he is. See how he responds. My guess would be that, especially if he thought that the only reason you were moving was to be near him, he would freak out at the idea of being responsible for that. That would mean actually being serious about his love for you. That would mean that, if it didn't work out, you might say to him, "I gave up my job and my friends and my home, and moved to be with you, and you turned out to be a jerk!"

 

He likes to stand on the periphery of your life and sigh at you. And that's all he's ever going to do. Since he doesn't have any responsibility to you as things stand, any nice things that he says or does get him full credit for being a nice, thoughtful, even deep person. If he was actually your boyfriend, those things would be expected. He can't give them if they're expected, no no. Too burdensome.

 

Mature love is the kind that takes on obligations, even if they're hard to live up to sometimes. Even if you know that sometimes you'll fall short of the mark. Immature love is the kind that skirts all obligations and responsibilities, so that when push comes to shove you can always say, "it wasn't my fault!"

 

I would tune him out if I were you. Unless one of the things you have in common with him is an implicit wish to avoid a relationship that is accompanied by expectations and responsibilities. Doesn't sound like it though. Sounds like you want to have a mature love and a real relationship. This guy isn't likely to be able to participate in those things, his jealousy and angst aren't things you should take seriously. If they're sidetracking you, preventing you from moving forward to find someone you actually could have real love and a relationship with, then I think you need to eliminate him entirely. Sure, he'll object. But his objections won't mean he's ready for what you're looking for. He may well never be ready.

[butterflyz]

because he loves the fact that you love him. he probably thinks you are great, but not what he wants in a girlfriend.

 

i don't want to sound pessimistic, but i think it's time to cut the ties, and DO NOT accept any emails or letters or phone calls.

 

just be truthful. say that you feel more than what he appears to feel. and that you can't move on unless you stop corresponding.

 

if he has half a heart, he'll abide by your wishes.