ex bf...

[Ally Boo]

I need some help here.

 

My ex bf and I broke up about 2 months ago. He cheated on me with someone close to me so I'd find out, as a wake up call to show me that I was being a bitch to him. Doesn't make it right...but that's what happened. Anyway, I immediately broke up with him and jumped into a relationship with another guy, moved in with him and stuff, and he was literally stunned. He thought it'd just be like old times, break up, get back together, learn about what was wrong, and make it better. But that didn't happen, and he cried many times to me because he was hurt. A friend of his, talked to me and told me that she knows he loves me...and I love him. We've talked and he wants to take things slow to see if things will be the same or not. I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship anyway, so that's ok with me.

 

The problem is, we are intimate. He wants to be my roommate...he works 3 jobs, and seriously needs to get out of his house.

 

As long as I've known him, he's always had car problems. He's been though 4 of them as long as I've known him. (One got reposessed, one was a motor cycle that got totalled right before I met him, the one that got repossessed got caught on fire before that by a menice, and his truck finally just died) And he just got another car, after being without one for months and months. Not long after having it, he had to have the transmission repaired...then there was an oil leak, which got fixed Saturday, then his car blew Saturday afternoon...and his dad (who is a mechanic) fixed that part of his car, and this morning I got a call saying his engine completely blew. He was almost in tears yesterday when he was thinking about how his car just won't stay fixed. And how he just has bad luck with cars in general.

 

I have a little bit of money left over from my settlement from the car accident I had. I've given him probably close to $2,000 for car problems in the past, and now he's wanting help again. THe thing is, before we were actually together. And I told him that we weren't together, he said, "Well, I'll give you really good sex every day like I did before..."

 

The thing is, I know I do not need to give him money. It's hard seeing him hurting, but when I need something, he never has the money to either pay me back, or to help me. He's working 3 jobs, and will have a hard time going to them now. I know that we all have lessons to learn, and these car problems could be Karma working...and I don't want to interferre with the lessons he needs to learn.

 

I just don't know how to tell him that I can't help him, when I love him so much, and it hurts me to see him at a low point. Before, when I gave him money, I always wondered if he was with me because I gave him the money....I don't want to "buy" his friendship or love. And when I've told him no about things before, he's always come back. How do you tell someone no like that and let them know that you care about their well being anyway? I'm not used to saying no....I just need some help.

 

I am having some iffy issues at work, and my brakes need to be fixed, car needs to be painted, and I'm hoping I can get myself together so I won't lose my job. AHHH.....drama. So I have good excuses and reasons, but I don't know if I should bring them into the picture, or what. Help please

[Ally Boo]

We've been on again off again together for a little over a year now.

[clia]

Don't offer him any money.

 

That's just my opinion. You don't owe him anything. You are not his wife. You have your own problems to deal with. (And with $2000 you can do a lot!) He is an adult and is therefore responsible for his own financial issues. It is wrong of him to depend on you to loan him extra cash when he needs it. You don't need to give him any excuses at all. JUST SAY NO! (Like he's a drug!)

 

It sucks that he's going through this hard time. Offer him your support, and that's all. That's all you owe him!

 

(Unsolicited advice) Ally, what are you getting out of this relationship? I know you love him, but why? He CHEATED on you. He doesn't pay you back when you loan him money. I know I don't know all the details, but reading your post just seems like a huge red flag to me! You jumped into a relationship with someone else, which didn't allow you proper, objective healing time to look at your situation. I urge you to take a month or so without any contact with this guy to really think about what he is giving you in the relationship (other than good sex). It just doesn't sound good from this end... (And I say this with the best of intentions, not to judge you at all. Obviously I don't know anything about your situation!)

[Ally Boo]

This probably doesn't count, but I spent a month without speaking to him when I was with Michael. And I ended up just thinking about the relationship and trying to get closure about it. Well, I ended up leaving Michael because I realized how much I loved Steven and that I had no business being with someone else when my heart was occupied.

 

Well, after spending some time with him, I've realized that I'm not IN love with him anymore, but of course I love him and care about him a lot...probably more than Michael in many ways. That's how I am able to tell him no, bc I'm not so madly in love with him anymore. And we aren't together, but we're just kinda playing it by ear. He's too busy for a relationship, and I have too many "issues" to have a relationship. I don't have many friends outside of my best friend, Michael and Steven, and last night I played pool with Michael, and ended up staying over at his house bc I'd kinda missed him. But I made it clear that we were NOT getting back together, that I just need friends right now.

 

I mean, I see what you're saying, why give when you aren't getting anything back. I'm not going to settle for less in a relationship next time. If he can't spend the time with me that I feel like I need, then, I'm not going to let myself get wrapped up in him.

 

I've always said that Steven is my weakness...and I'm slowly seeing that he isn't anymore, and that makes me really happy!