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hi guys! seems i have a problem here. Please help me

 

I am 24 years of age. And to start my story I have a male friend since I was 19 years old, we are the best of friends, my family loves him and vice versa.

 

Since we are close, I begun to fall in love with him. During that time I haven’t told him that I have feelings for him. But suddenly, one day he just opened up to me that he has a problem with his best friend, then I asked his best friend what is the cause of their fight. He told me that when my friend slept with him, my friend undressed him and touch his private parts (of course, I am shocked but that didn’t change my perception w/ him). And I opened it up to my friend and he told me that, he doesn’t know what he was doing during that time coz he was really drunk. No one knows that situation except the 3 of us because I know, that will affect the credibility of my friend(that’s how much I love him)

 

So what I did, I made some arrangements so that there friendship will stay the same way as before.

 

And then, my relationship with my friend stayed the same. I even asked him if he is gay, and he told me he is not. So I believed him. And tried to open my feelings for him, and he just told me that we are just friends(of course it hurts!). . Eventually, since we are really close, a lot of people assumed that we are already on. All of our friends, family & colleagues had a suspicion for the two of us and I am very sure that they are happy for us. We talk, joke & confide a lot. I really felt that this is the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

So my friends asked him if he has feelings for me, and he told them the same thing. So, during that time I decided to stop communicating with him so that whatever feelings I have for him will just end. I suddenly put a wall between me & my friend. Then he is asking me why I am not the same as before? I just told him nothing, but deep inside my heart it hurts me. At that point in my life I just wanted to forget him, I am 22 duing that time and that was 2 years ago. Because I thought we had a mutual understanding. I thought there is a relationship which I can fight for. And then I discovered, that he told one of our friends about the situation, at the same time there are rumors that he is gay so he just told them the reason why I am mad at him is because I am falling in love with him, & that time i felt betrayed & suspected he was gay.

 

I really felt so betrayed during that time coz I realized that he was just using our closeness just to show other people that he is not gay. And I don’t want to stay in a relationship that have no commitment. I didn’t disclosed to him the reason behind my aloofness, I just told him that I am just pressured with what other peole think about the two of us ( because both of our family is very much approved with the relationship). So I tried to forget him, I prayed a lot. Even my friends hated him because of what he has done to me. I asked God’s guidance so that I could immediately forgive & forget him. And then I had a boyfriend for about 7 months, my friend had a girlfriend for I think 8 months. During that time, we don’t have much communication. I just told him what’s new with me and vice versa. But there is emptiness in me that i dont love my bf.

 

Eventually, I discovered that he already broke up w/ his gf, and then he told me that he courted the girl for about 2 weeks only. He was very consistent in keeping in touch with me, but I am not the same person as before. I asked for a sign to God, I told him if my friend, tried to ask me to go out and have a date that means that he really wanted me not as a friend but as a wife. I even prayed to God to remove that feeling which I have for him & eventually disappeared.

 

Last month, he consistently tried to keep in touch with me thru phone calls. And since the rift was 2 years ago already I decided to talk to him again. He asked me for a date with him. And then I prayed to God, I asked for a sign, I told him if that date push through it means that we are really meant for each other as husband & wife pero if not that means we are just friends. And that day comes, we ate out & we had a talk, sharing each others dreams & future plans. We also talked about our previous relationships, wherein we have the same situation, which is we have the same feeling towards our ex’s wherein we both realized that they are not the person whom we want to spend the rest of our lives with. He is more romantic & matured a lot. He is really more thoughtful now. And he told me that he is really ready for a commitment now. I remembered two years ago he asked me to watch “Mirror has Two Faces”, the one with Barbra Streisand, the gist of the movie is, the possibility for two people to be in love with each other without having sex. And during that time I told him that it is not possible. But come to think of it, it is now that I realize that if its with him, I can. But he didn’t told me that he wants that kind of set up.

 

Please help me, what will I do? Will I continue this second acquaintance with him Or just stop this because I might end up hurting myself again? But recently he is more affectionate & he is saying that he wants to have a gf, i dont know if i'll trust him. And he really changed for good. I don't know if i'll invest my feelings again. But in fairness, he is more affectionate & caring right now. He is assigned to work in the province right now, but he still tries to call me even though the bills are high. But what I realized from the 2 years separation is that, HE IS THE GUY I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. & i feel he is the same. But I am not sure of that please help.

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He wants to be with you, but he doesn't want a sexual relationship? This sounds too much like my ex husband. When there's smoke, there's fire, and I have a feeling he probably is still questioning his sexuality. If you were to marry him, the chances are high that he would again use you (as he probably is now) to prove to himself and others that he is not gay. I say move on, he's probably going to hurt you again. Don't care what other people think. You need to accept yourself, instead of worrying about other's acceptance. Besides, relationships ALWAYS mess up the origional friendships. You need to get away from this guy. You are being mean to yourself by letting yourself go though this.

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Thanks Ali for that fast reply. Thanks for your opinion.

 

what if i tell you that, i can spend the rest of my life with this person without merely having sex w/ him. I can say that because we have the same dreams, principle, chemistry & beliefs. I do love him! I just love him the way he is. That's how much I love him I can spend the rest of my life w/ him even w/o sex. Because for me love is not only compose of sex. How can i prove to him that I can marry him even w/o sex? What happen w/ you & your ex? Is he gay?

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I'm CONVINCED that my ex is gay, although he'll never admit it, and I feel sorry for his new fiancee. He's using her as he did me as a distraction from his true feelings. A man's wife is supposed to be the apple of his eye, that he shares everything with...including sex, which is the ultimate of sharing. If he has sexual issues he has no business being in a relationship. He needs to deal with himself.

 

I can't believe what you are saying! Are you crazy? You think you feel pressure now about being with him? Imagine how it is going to be if you were to marry him and then your family and his family ask why you don't have any children? How are you going to explain THAT? You may love HIM but you DONT love yourself. That is part of a marriage, sharing EVERYTHING....dreams, emotions and SEX. You may think you'll be ok now, but just wait, NO woman can stand living with a man that she desires sexually and have him "reject" her on a daily basis. I personally think that you might try to "convince" him to be sexual with you one day after he spends all that time with you being married and stuff.

 

You must not want to have true happiness. You are setting yourself up for nothing but a life of utter pain.

 

You will eventually resent him for not desiring you sexually. Then the other issues that will come up are....What if you decide to get sex from someone else...and he probably won't really care deep down. OR what if you caught him with a man in YOUR bed?

 

Wake up girl, stop being nieve, move on and you'll find the REAL man of your dreams. I'm praying for you, seriously. I'm not trying to hurt you, I just think you are blinded by love and making a really horrid mistake.

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thanks Ally for the prayers!

 

Can i still open my true feelings w/ this guy? The set up for our relationship? Can I still ask him of what he expects and what I expect from the relationship? :bunny:

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Sure ask him, but keep in mind that it is NOT a relationship unless sex is involved, and let him know that too. I'm speaking in terms of committed marriage type relationship, and if he is not willing to ever do that with you, there's your problem.

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Now I am learning ally! Thanks.

 

can you please give me tips on how i can open it up w/ him Wherein I wont look cheap or trying to beg. How can I open to him at the same time I wont loose the friendship. Bcoz the thing here is I dont wanna sound too demanding for him. At the same time comfortable to open it up w/ him? Is there a way wherein I can open to him in a casual way & direct?

 

Thanks Ally! Please help me!

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This is Michael Ally's boyfriend. She is very right, but in my opinion, you should just remain friends. I never thought I'd love someone as much as my ex until I met Ally. Now I'm more happy than I could have ever been with my ex. You will do fine with him as just your friend.

 

Michael

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Michael, you're a sugar.

 

I'd just tell him that you've known him so long and you'd like to always have him in your life. Tell him that sometimes you think about having more than just a friendship, but your friendship is so important to you that you don't know what to do, and ask him what he thinks...

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Michael & Ally thanks!

 

ally your so lucky w/ michael, he is really proud of you! may i just ask how long is your r/s w/ him?

 

thanks for that idea! Nice idea!

 

may i just ask how can I draw the line between a guy chasing me & at the same time not too self-centered? just asking. when is enough for a woman to do the chasing? coz sometimes i want to let the guy know that he is important to me at the same time he will not abuse me.

 

Michael is chasing really important for a guy?

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I understand the feelings you went through during these few years. Ups and Downs! Now that the air is more clear the two of you can start building on what you have now. Its true that when two people separate for a short time to reconnect with themselves and mature they can come together again and form a more stronger and healthier bond.

 

I don't doubt his sincerity. I hope that you do understand him enough to know if he is truly being sincere. However, I am confused at where exactly he is. Does he live in another town?

 

As far as haven a sexual r/s with him? You decided if he holds a special place in your heart. I loved the movie the mirror has two faces. I am a strong believer that love should come before sex. Its only in this day and time that sex is so much more open and OK to have sex with multiple parters and complete strangers without any involvement of love.

 

Second chances are very good.

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thanks for analyzing my situation!

i just wanna thank you, because there is this another soul wherein i can open up my situation.

 

actually, we live in the same city, he was just assigned for a month to another province because of his work?

 

velvet, thnks for that advice! I really appreciate that. May I just ask if how can i make sure that this second chance is really for good & i dont wanna waste my feelings, time & effort for him?

 

But i dont wanna pressure him as of now. I just wanted to make it clear before anything else. Because as you see i dont want that thing to happen again, what happened betwn the 2 of us before.

 

And i just wanted this time its for sure, its gonna last.

 

Just asking?

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Guys like to do all the work, but the catch is, they don't like to get hurt. Soooooo, you gotta give them positive feedback. If you practice this technique, you'll actually find yourself to be in kinda an emotionally safe situation, and won't be falling for every guy who tries to just even be friends.

That lets them do all the work, and you sit there and feel special. :D

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Men are hunters. We hunt everything. Deals on cars, tools, the right stereo equipment. It's just our nature to chase women. I hunted Ally for like a year. I never imagined we would go out let alone live together. I chased her while she was in a relationship because I started to like her. she is the best thing that ever happened to me. You should see my house. It's starting to look spotless.

 

Acid~

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I've never finished up a bottle of Pine Sol til yesterday! I felt like I accomplished something!! LOL

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How do you make sure a second chance wont go wrong. Don't dive in heart first. When he said that he wants you as his g/f and is ready for a r/s thats a big sign. The rest is up to you, to get involved as much or as little as you want.

 

Take it slow with him, don't make a decision just yet until you feel your a point of being comfortable with the idea.

 

When my guy and I broke our r/s off in the past we give each other space. We have gone months without talking or being with each other (even while we work together). When we would reconnect again the love would be much more intense.

 

Every couple would have different opinions on how they felt when reuniting with an ex. In my case it intensifies things to a high degree. Loving, touching, talking, everything. Things turn out different and feel different. I haven't figured that one out just yet. I'm working on it.

 

Its more than just a high. The one you get when first dating someone. My guy and I have whole lot of history together. We know each other, we cant surprise each other with anything. Its the bond that we have that has ran deeper after being apart.

 

If you choose to give him one last chance, I hope you feel you made the right decision.

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michael, ally & velvet THANKS!!

 

thanks for those advice! i'll try to reflect on those things. still looking forward to talk w/ you guys. can i send you an e-mail if time permits?

 

""""may i just ask if it is ok to surprise him on his arrival in the airport from the province?i just want to surprise him, since he made all the calling from the province?will i look cheap""""

 

just asking

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