ann-onymous Posted July 24, 2002 Share Posted July 24, 2002 hey there everybody, i hope you can offer some advice here's what i got: a girlfriend of mind dated a guy and broke up with him...she has since moved away but i still keep in touch with her. i was good friends with both her and her boyfriend before, during and after the relationship. her ex and i had been spending a lot of time together in group settings and had become quite good friends as a result. well, a few months ago (about 6 months after they split) he made it clear that he wanted more than just a friendship between us- and i backed out. i did have feelings for him and something could have happened but i took the easy way out, and made the excuse "i dont want to betray my friend." well since then i have consulted my friends, and friends of friends, and well, you get the idea- i decided to go ahead and move things along between he and myself, and we have been seeing eachother for about 2 months. it is constantly in the back of my head that he dated my friend and that just hurts me a little... i keep telling myself that she broke up with him, she moved away, she knows we're dating and "doesn't care." can anybody tell me what the best way is to just move on and allow myself to be happy! i love being with my boyfriend and he makes me very happy happy (and vice versa!). help! sidenote: i'm one of those people who works every day to please the people around me- i put other people's happiness before mine... why cant i just be selfish this one time and make myself happy?! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 24, 2002 Share Posted July 24, 2002 YOU ASK: "why cant i just be selfish this one time and make myself happy?!" Because you're one of the very few in the world who actually has ethics and morals and honors friendships...well, sort of. You ARE seeing the ex boyfriend of your girlfriend. The fact she's moved away and you say it's OK with her makes it OK I guess. If your old girlfriend knows the two of you are dating and has no problem with it, I don't know why you would bother feeling bad. Deep down, you do have an ounce or two of a sense of right and wrong and you may feel a bit uncomfortable with doing something that is not normally accepted (unless people can justify it in some way). Go run around a tree ten times, then throw a quarter as far as you can accross the street in front of your house, throw a cup of water over your left shoulder and say "I don't ned to worry about this any more" five times....after doing all that, you should be just fine. Most ladies would think a second about what your doing. I think you're stuck in a time warp between the days of old when people actually had active consciences and present day scruples. In psychology, what you are going through is called post decisional dissonance reduction. Look it up in a good search engine! Or just look up "dissonance" which will sum it up for you. I have been glad to participate in this process for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 24, 2002 Share Posted July 24, 2002 I lost my best friend since Kindergarten bc she dated one of my ex's and I was "ok" with it....until she would tell me how he couldn't keep his hands off her. They are getting married now...I think, and we don't speak. That's just yucky, what if yall got serious or something and yall visited her, I would be thinking "OMG He's seen her naked" That's just not good. So, if you ever plan on seeing her again, and you value her friendship, I'd get rid of him ASAP. And in the meantime, find out why you have to have acceptance with your actions. Get Dr. Phillip McGraw's book "Self Matters" I was a people pleaser and a "yes" person, until I read his book and found out why I was. So no, sorry I can't tell you to get past it and move on...I say move AWAY too!! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann-onymous Posted July 24, 2002 Author Share Posted July 24, 2002 so this post desicional dissonance reduction idea: are you saying i've made my choice to see him and now i'm trying to downplay the fact that i may not have chosen the "right" alternative? or trying to make the other alternative seem less "right" to make my decision seem more "right". (sorry, once again- lack of a better word). i guess that makes sense, but i dont want to constantly be making excuses for my actions... i'm happy with my desicion, now, and i am "over it", but what will i do if/when people dont exactly see eye to eye with me! i shouldn't worry about what people think, but i'm merely a human being... i cant control all my insecurities oh and another thing, as for me being one of the few with morals and standards to live by- i dont want to be some textbook idea of "the girl that does all the right things", but i just cant let myself be the one who allows herself to make a mistake once in a while... because isn't that how you learn... from your mistakes? i'd almost rather not make the mistake and not learn, than have to go through messing up and learning. wow... rambling.... thank you for all your help, tony. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann-onymous Posted July 24, 2002 Author Share Posted July 24, 2002 Originally posted by Ally Boo That's just yucky, what if yall got serious or something and yall visited her, I would be thinking "OMG He's seen her naked" That's just not good. Hi ally, i'm sorry to hear about the situation you and your friend went through... friendships like that are hard to find and as you know, keep- my best friend has known me since we were in diapers and it's a challenge every day to keep things going, we've both grown up. on that note, i'd like to think i'm mature enough to get beyond the idea that my boyfriend and his ex had a physical relationship in addition to an emotional one... but it would be pretty strange of me to expect that they didnt? you are perfectly right that it will be awkward for the three of us to be around eachother... i dont think the fact that they were together intimately will be at the front of my mind... but rather, i'd say it's along the same lines as you seeing an ex of yours with a new girl and he's stroking her hair like he used to your's... or smiling at her the way he used to smile at you... that's the part that hurts, but you eventually get over it right? i just want to make this as easy on my friend as possible... i'm not rubbing it in her face. thanks for the advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 24, 2002 Share Posted July 24, 2002 Originally posted by ann-onymous i just want to make this as easy on my friend as possible... i'm not rubbing it in her face. thanks for the advice... Hey we are all different. I think that's sweet of you. But I'm just saying that I couldn't do it. And you need to be aware of the POSSIBILITY of it messing up your friendship...which I'm sure you were. I wanted to share my experience with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann-onymous Posted July 24, 2002 Author Share Posted July 24, 2002 Originally posted by Ally Boo aware of the POSSIBILITY of it messing up your friendship.... i'm aware of the possibility every single day... that's why i'm walkin on egg shells here... it's scary... i appreciate you sharing your experience, thanks again ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author ann-onymous Posted July 25, 2002 Author Share Posted July 25, 2002 hey everybody, first off thanks for all the comments, i appreciate your time and effort just wanted to let you know that i talked to my girlfriend last night about her ex and i being together and all... it was a pretty long conversation that took a lot of guts to initiate but i did it. things are cool between us, no hard feelings... she was hurt in the relationship and doesnt want me to get hurt either... she basically is more concerned with that than the idea of me dating her ex... and that is pretty much it... she said repeatedly that she is not hurt by it, it doesn't bother her, and she's just happy that i'm happy. so that's that, i guess she's not the girlfriend i pour my heart out to over relationship problems anyway, so the fact that i addressed the topic this one time is enough for all our future conversations- it wont be the topic again, soon anyway hehe ... i'm just glad to say that this is resolved and i can take a step forward now, rather than a step back with my overanalyzations as i have previously. thanks again, everybody... have a great day! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 25, 2002 Share Posted July 25, 2002 I'm so happy for you! That DID take guts, and I'm sure you feel 100000000% better now that you KNOW how she feels. That's how your situation is different than mine.... She and I were best friends, and I was the one she talked relationships to....so that's how I got offended. Congratulations, sweetie, I'm SO glad you feel better! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts