Need some help!

[loger9901]

I need some of your opinions on the situation i'm in. I have some pretty deep feelings for my friend. We've been friends for over 6 years and we are very close friends. We've come pretty close to being in a relationship a couple times, but everytime we get close, she backs off saying she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. I have lived out of state for the past three years, during which I didn't talk very much to my friend. For the last few months we were e-mailing each other and talking a lot more. By talking more I realized how much she meant to me and how much i miss her company. Just talking to her makes me feel like a different person, I just feel a special connection that I haven't ever gotten from anyone, including my current girlfriend of almost three years. I just moved home for the summer and have started to spend more time with my friend, which makes my feelings grow more. We have talked about possibly trying a relationship this summer, but we both are in relationships currently. Both of us are having problems in our relationships, which has made things seem more possible. We both communicate well, we have many things in common and we are extremely comfortable around each other. It just seems to me like things are supposed to be between us. We talked about it the other night and she said that it would almost be "too perfect" between us. She's still afraid that if we try anything and it didn't work we'd couldn't be friends. She hasn't had the best track record with guys, she's admitted that she doesn't really date the best guys, but she isn't doing much to change that. She is very smart and has goals that she attaining and its great to see that happening, but her personal life seems to be almost going in the opposite direction. She has told me that she also doesn't want to be like her mom, married and divorced twice, but it almost seems that is the way she is heading. She's afraid of doing something to break my heart and she doens't want to do that. Its breaking my heart not being with her too. I don't want to go on with my life thinking "what if" I think she would be doing the same thing. I can see both of us being happy together forever, if we ever get the chance to figure that out. She has made similar comments to the same effect, with the "it would almost be too perfect" part in there. What do I do? I've had feelings for her for almost the whole six years i've known her. She's known for at least the last four years that I have feelings for her. We care about each other, we are great friends and everything that would lead to a great relationship. I almost think she's afraid of a good relationship? What do you guys think? Any help would be appreciated.

[C]

Let her decide, I don't think she loves you, she is not sure of what she wants to do. The way she feels right now I don't think it will work out.

[Tony T]

WARNING: YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT I'VE GOT TO SAY SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HEAR ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!!

 

YOU WRITE: "She's known for at least the last four years that I have feelings for her."

 

Well, if she's known that for approximately 1,460 days and has yet to make any move in the direction of a relationship she must have a very good reason...like she's not interested in any more than a friendship.

 

Or the time may not be right...or whatever. If during this entire time she has not shown any interest beyond a friendship and teasing you about more, nothing will ever come of this. I know...I've been where you are more than once.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "We care about each other, we are great friends and everything that would lead to a great relationship."

 

Well, that's your opinion combined with wishful thinking. What you actually have is everything that could lead to a great friendship if you didn't have feelings for her. You are NOT a friend to her and haven't been for four years or more. You've basically been a lovesick puppydog who doesn't get hints or read life's messages very easily. She does care about you but only as a friend on the sidelines. The record stands for itself. She's known you want a relationship with her for FOUR YEARS!!! My bet is if you decided to read this post, you won't get hints from it either.

 

You want this gal and you probably won't give up hope until she marries somebody, has four children, they grow up and give her grandchildren.

 

I really feel for you because I have gone through this several times. It's really hell...but it never works out. If a lady has you pegged as a friend...and tells you very clearly she doesn't want to jeopardize the friendship...that's exactly what she means. And if you don't get that in your head, it's eventually gonna piss her off.

 

YOU WRITE: "I almost think she's afraid of a good relationship? What do you guys think?"

 

I think she'd love a good relationship...but NOT with you. You are like a brother to her. To her, it would be incest to have a relationship with you. She's afraid of having anything more than a friendship with you. She's all but told you that. She's also wondering just how sane you are. She's made it very clear to you she wants only a friendship and you hang around waiting for something to happen. She also probably doesn't have much trust for you because you are in a relationship which hasn't terminated and you are trying to negotiate a relationship with her.

 

She's probably pissed that you would move in on her at a vulnerable time when she's having relationship problems herself and needs a friend, not some chump trying to move in on her. And she probably wonders just what it's going to take to get you to understand what friendship is.

 

I'm surprised she hasn't told you to hit the road...because she has known for four years that you care about her and you still let her jerk your butt around. She's obviously a tease and has kept you on the string. What that's called in psychology is displacement of agression. When she has relationship problems, you are right there to take things out on...to tease and to jerk around.

 

OK, let's say she agrees to see you. It's going to be awkward for her and it's not going to work out...except possibly in the short term while she gets over her previous relationship. You would be a handy rebound but, I promise you, she can have no respect for a guy who hangs around foaming at the mouth for her for four years with no reason for hope and with her clear warning that nothing's going to happen.

 

I really hate to see you go through heartbreak and hell but nothing I write here is going to sway you. So print this post out, save it in a safe place, and read it when she dumps on you in the most major way.

 

You have already proven to her that you don't make a very good friend if you don't know how to back off and move on with your own romantic life....and that's what she'll ultimately want in a lover...a good, true, friend who knows how to be same.

[velvet]

I was in her shoes at one time. The guy respected my decision and we remained friends. In fact we remained friends for about eight years.

 

Than one day he walked in the room and it hit me. I was smitten from that point on. We tried dating. It went from good, to bad, to worse. Things turned ugly because I wanted a r/s and he didn't. He just wanted the sheet action. That being completely it, drove me up the wall. There were many many times I had wished we just remained friends and never took the step to the physical level because our r/s turned completely upside down. We had a love/hate r/s.

 

Finally we got sick of what we were doing to each other and our friendship. We stopped our physical r/s completely. Now were friends again and things have never looked better. I don't expect anything more or less from him than what we have now. Its just love. We've got nothing but love for each other. A very strong bond and respect again.

[Camilla]

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, what would he/she say if he/she doesn't want to hurt my feelings?

 

Is it possible that she may say, "it will ruin the friendship"? That may just be a nice way out.

 

The end result is, she does not want a relationship with you, regardless of the reason she gave you.

 

You cannot speculate what she is thinking or what she needs.