Mixed Signals?

[88]

I have been friends with a woman for over 12 years, since high school, and we have been very close at times. Over the past few months, we have been really close and I realized that I have feelings for her. I talked to her her about it and she rejected me in that way. She said that she never looked at me in a romantic way, and that there's nothing there. However her actions do not support what she says.

 

I have for the most part stopped calling her, but she calls me 4 or 5 times a week. She calls to ask me to go do something and I occasionally oblige. Whenever we go out, have a few cocktails, etc... she is very frisky with me, and she attmepts (sometimes suceeds) kissing me, flirting, etc... However, the next day she'll claim that she was drunk and doesn't remember anything.

 

She keeps on asking me if I would "take advantage of her when she is drunk" and I tell her the truth and tell her I would not, because she means a lot to me and I would not want anything major to happen between us when we are drunk. But I must say that it has been rather difficult to restrain myself.

 

I'm starting to believe that "I don't remember what I did" is a lie, and I can't understand why she continues to do this. I just don't know what to do in this situation. I'm considering blowing her off completely, because these nights with her become more and more difficult to deal with. I feel like she's playing games with me. Or could it be that she's in denial that she has feelings for me too. Or does she have a severe drinking problem.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

She has told you that there is nothing there and you should take her at her word. I promise you, if she thought something could develop from this she would have let you know. Of course, nobody knows the future and if you remained friends with her for some span of time a window of opportunity could open up. But it is VERY wrong to hold up your life for the very slight possibility that could happen.

 

What she is doing to you now, knowing you have feelings for her, is morbidly cruel. Teasing you as she is, fully knowing you have feelings for her that you would like to take further, is unconscionable. If she considered you a true friend, she would not be mean like this and try to screw with your mind. I hope you can find a better friend!

 

As a rule of thumb, it's not good business to remain friends with someone you have deeper feelings for...at least not for the time those feelings exist. It is very cruel to yourself to hang out with a lady friend you care about who ultimately will find a real romantic interest and rub it in your face...not realizing how that is hurting you. And one day she will get married and the friendship will pretty much go down the tubes anyway.

 

My guess is that the flirtatiousness is an acting out. If I had to bet, I'd say there is someone else out there she is very interested in and until that develops further, she is "acting out" or transfering those feelings for this other person onto you because you are there. This is only a temporary thing...she may not even realize it...and it won't last very long. Don't take it seriously and don't respond to it. I know about this because it has happened to me before.

 

If she hasn't had any relationships in the time you have known her, maybe she is latently gay or bisexual and she is trying, consciously or unconsciously, to work her way back to being attracted exclusively to males. A longshot but a possiblity. I know this happens because I have observed this happening to a friend of mine.

 

Your best bet is to avoid her for the time being...and let her know exactly why. If she is truly a friend, she will understand. If she is not and reacts negatively to your wanting some separation, then she is not your true friend and there will be no loss for you anyway.

 

Falling for friends is a pretty common occurence and one that is often awkward and difficult to deal with. Only two extremely mature people who have their feelings under control can work through it satisfactorily.

 

Stay away from her for a while....and do some reassessing of the friendship and exactly how good of a friend she is and has been.

 

Go find yourself a nice gal you can be romantic with. Don't be friends too long first. Women have a tendency to pidgeon hole men as friends if it takes them too long to make a move. Once you get classified as a buddy, it's really hard to upgrade from there.

 

Good luck!!!

[Ed]

Not really any more to add to Tony's response.

 

You need to free up some time to date other ladies. I'll just reiterate that if your feelings for her will get in the way of you becoming interested in other women, then you probably need to reduce contact to a minimum for a while.

 

She'll just have to understand, one way or another.

 

P.S. Are you in any way associated with 86 and 99?

[midori]

Tony & Ed have given good advice, and the scenario Tony has laid out, about her actually being interested in someone else, seems quite plausible. But even if that's not the case, speaking as a woman I'd advise you to stay away from her. The other possibilities are worse, and if you stay around trying to figure out what she wants you may find yourself in for much more than you bargained for. She's either callous and self-centered or else very troubled, unable/unwilling to get into a relationship and using alcohol to overcome her resistance. Neither bodes well.

 

You don't want a mean or messed up person jerking you around. Perhaps it's time to extricate yourself from this altogether. Don't call her anymore, and when she calls you up, decline all invitations, especially any involving drinks. If she persists or asks why you won't come out with her, be honest and tell her that, in fact, she doesn't behave herself when she drinks with you and you've grown tired of having to fend her off. That ought to give her a wake-up call. But really, don't let her drain you too much. She might be generally nice or fun (when she's not playing games with you) but is she worth all the hassle? I doubt anyone is.

[velvet]

Shes not interested in you when shes straight! She enjoys your company, and has no respect for your feelings.

 

That is until shes drunk! Than she feels sexy.

When shes had a few drinks and her eyeballs feel like there rolling around in her head and shes vulnerable she turns in to the devel in a red dress. Shes knows how much you want her and shes able to give you what you desire when shes intoxicated and doesnt give a ratts butt about herself or you.

 

You should brake all contact, tell her straight up why. Than if there is that 90% chance that you end up seeing her again. Take her up on the offer. Get all you can from her. Than by day light if she feels ashamed and upset that you took advantage of her while she was drunk, just tell her she left you with no other choice. Shes played head games with you long enough!