still a chance?

[Marty]

I'm having some difficulty figuring out what kind of relationship I have with a girl. I have known her for about 7 months now. Soon after we met, she told me that she was 8 years older than me. At first this age difference concerned me a little. I wasn't sure if we'd have much in common. Because of this, I decided to take things slow with her and try to get to know her well before proceeding to anything serious. So thus far, our relationship has been basically, what I'd call, a friends-first relationship. I think we both wanted to be friends first, and then see if something more could come out of it later. And, well, it is now later and I'm a little confused on just where we stand. I know that at least at one point she was attracted to me, but I'm not sure if she still feels the same about me, or if I'm already locked into the "friends-only" category for good.

 

We only went out on one official "date" so far. And it was a very casual date, it ended with just a hug and a peck on the cheek. Which was fine, it was all I really expected anyhow. I would like to see her more often, but she is a very busy person, so we don't get very many good opportunities to spend much quality time together. We mostly stay in touch via IM's and email but we also see each other and hang out every now and then.

 

Now that I've gotten to know her better, I find myself becoming more attracted to her. The problem is that I don't know if she still considers me as a potential boyfriend, or nothing more than just a friend.

 

Bottom line: I'm getting the feeling that maybe I've waited too long and I may have blown my chances with her by now. But yet, I still can't tell if that "window of opportunity" has completely closed just yet. I realize that it's a very good possibility that it has, but I still feel(based on subtle clues) that there may still be hope. But then, maybe I'm just over analyzing things too. I don't know.

 

Now here's my question:

 

What would be a good way to test the waters and see if a more intimate relationship is still possible with her, without seriously jeopardizing the friendship we have now?

 

I was thinking maybe I could try to give her a kiss the next time we go out, but then I think that that might make for an uncomfortable situation if it didn't turn out well, and if she wasn't expecting it. And things might not ever be the same between us after that. I just don't want to risk losing her as a friend, but at the same time I would like to see if something more is possible.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

Simply tell her how much you value her friendship and her as a human being. Tell her that you would be very much open to upgrading the friendship at some point if she should feel the same way. Then just drop it. Let her take it from there. If she feels the same way, she'll say..."let's do it." If she doesn't feel the same way, she'll either ignore your remark or tell you she doesn't feel that way.

 

I wouldn't try to make a move that's not consistent with the current relationship. I don't think it would be a good idea to go for a kiss on the lips or to pinch her on the butt.

 

This can be easily talked out and you might find that she may be very open to more. But you are quite right about that window of opportunity. Once a woman shuts it, it's hard to get it open again.

[clia]

We only went out on one official "date" so far.

When was this? 7 months ago? Did you pick a place, take her there, be the gentleman, and pay for things?

And it was a very casual date, it ended with just a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Which is exactly how a first date should end.

We mostly stay in touch via IM's and email but we also see each other and hang out every now and then.

A relationship that is primarily over e-mail and IM isn't a relationship at all, IMO. You need to see and spend time together to have a relationship. When you do see her, do you pay when the two of you go out? Do you plan on what to do? Or do you just hang out together?

Now here's my question: What would be a good way to test the waters and see if a more intimate relationship is still possible with her, without seriously jeopardizing the friendship we have now?

Tell her you want to take her out to dinner, in such a way that it's clear that it's a date and not a friends thing. See how she reacts. If she reacts badly, drop it and never mention it again. If she says yes, you are good to go. Plan the date. Pick a nice restaurant. When the bill comes, pay for it. See how she reacts. Give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. Don't come on too strong. Ease into it. But make sure that it's a "real" date. Act like it's a real date. Open the door for her. Help her put her coat on. etc...

I was thinking maybe I could try to give her a kiss the next time we go out, but then I think that that might make for an uncomfortable situation if it didn't turn out well, and if she wasn't expecting it.

I wouldn't do this. I'd try the above first. If you jump on her and she's not expecting it, you could have bad results, as you already know. You'll never know unless you try. I guess you need to determine what's more important to you--retaining her friendship or trying to date.

 

Think long and hard about the age thing and the long term ramifications of it. Would you consider marrying her if things progressed that way? If you did get married, how quickly would you have to have kids, due to her biological clock? Are you ready for that? I know these things seem way off, but you need to determine whether or not you are ready to face these things before you decide to take the chance and wreck your friendship. If her age bothered you before, there's a chance it may rear its ugly head again and bother you a year from now or three years from now.

 

And there is also the consideration that if you do date and things don't work out that you might lose her friendship anyway.

[velvet]

Just come out and tell her you like her. We like to hear that. Wouldnt you like a to hear a lady tell you just how much she likes you? Were no different. Take her out, call her and make plans a weeks ahead of time. Tell her your going to take her out to eat, and if she asks where? Tell her its a surprise. Than call her a few hours before you pick her up and tell her where your going and for her to dress nice. You already had the casual date, now do something a little formal. Treat like Cinderella for an evening. Than do it again the next weekend!

 

You dont have to tell her you like her now, you can date a little while since shes been so busy you need more time to get to know her. Just to be sure you want to tell her.

 

Its never to late to take a chance! Never!

When was this? 7 months ago? Did you pick a place, take her there, be the gentleman, and pay for things? Which is exactly how a first date should end. A relationship that is primarily over e-mail and IM isn't a relationship at all, IMO. You need to see and spend time together to have a relationship. When you do see her, do you pay when the two of you go out? Do you plan on what to do? Or do you just hang out together? Tell her you want to take her out to dinner, in such a way that it's clear that it's a date and not a friends thing. See how she reacts. If she reacts badly, drop it and never mention it again. If she says yes, you are good to go. Plan the date. Pick a nice restaurant. When the bill comes, pay for it. See how she reacts. Give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. Don't come on too strong. Ease into it. But make sure that it's a "real" date. Act like it's a real date. Open the door for her. Help her put her coat on. etc... I wouldn't do this. I'd try the above first. If you jump on her and she's not expecting it, you could have bad results, as you already know. You'll never know unless you try. I guess you need to determine what's more important to you--retaining her friendship or trying to date. Think long and hard about the age thing and the long term ramifications of it. Would you consider marrying her if things progressed that way? If you did get married, how quickly would you have to have kids, due to her biological clock? Are you ready for that? I know these things seem way off, but you need to determine whether or not you are ready to face these things before you decide to take the chance and wreck your friendship. If her age bothered you before, there's a chance it may rear its ugly head again and bother you a year from now or three years from now. And there is also the consideration that if you do date and things don't work out that you might lose her friendship anyway.

[Marty]

> When was this? 7 months ago? Did you pick

a place, take her there, be the gentleman, and pay for things?

No, it wasn't as long as 7 months ago, but it was several weeks ago now. Around late March I believe. And yes, I did pick the places, drove her, opened doors for her, and paid.

A relationship that is primarily over e-mail and IM isn't a relationship at all, IMO.

I can understand that. I agree that two people do need to spend time together, and that no "virtual" relationship can ever take the place of real human interaction. But I also think that if you know the person you are IM-ing and do see each other at times, then it is just another form of communication. Just like talking on the phone really. But I do realize that a relationship cannot exist on the internet alone. And, as I said before, I'd like to see her more often. But, with both our busy schedules, then without IM's and emails we might not even be able to talk very much either.

When you do see her, do you pay when the two of you go out? Do you plan on what to do? Or do you just hang out together?

Other than the one date we had, it is mostly a hang out thing when we see each other. So if we go to a concert, or get a bite to eat, it will probably be with mutual friends, and we would pay our own way, etc. That's not like a date, so we play the friends role then. If and when we do go out again on an official date, I will again be the gentleman and pay, make the plans, etc.

Think long and hard about the age thing and the long term ramifications of it. Would you consider marrying her if things progressed that way? If you did get married, how quickly would you have to have kids, due to her biological clock? Are you ready for that?

Yes, I also realize these are very important concerns. That is part of the reason I've waited so long here. I really don't know how I'd answer all those questions up there, but who really would at this point? I'm just thinking that if we could have something special together, then it's worth trying. As for her biological clock, she is still relatively young(31), so that may not be a major concern for her just yet. Perhaps in a few years it will be though.

 

I guess I still need to think this over some more. Thanks to all for your advice so far. I really appreciate it, and I'll keep them all in mind. Any additional opinions are still very welcome. Thanks again.

[Celia]

Yes The main problem for you two is the age gap, If not, you may have carried out "action". My suggestion is you should survey yourself whether you is mature enough to decide this a little 'strange' romance relationship. If You think you are, and you won't even be regreted about it when you and she are getting older, then consider it. The biological clock is that she maybe become a "grandma" before you.If you think you don't care it and you don't care about the sex things after you would be 40 and she 50 and so on,then that is OK for you, If not, then it is just friendship.

I'm having some difficulty figuring out what kind of relationship I have with a girl. I have known her for about 7 months now. Soon after we met, she told me that she was 8 years older than me. At first this age difference concerned me a little. I wasn't sure if we'd have much in common. Because of this, I decided to take things slow with her and try to get to know her well before proceeding to anything serious. So thus far, our relationship has been basically, what I'd call, a friends-first relationship. I think we both wanted to be friends first, and then see if something more could come out of it later. And, well, it is now later and I'm a little confused on just where we stand. I know that at least at one point she was attracted to me, but I'm not sure if she still feels the same about me, or if I'm already locked into the "friends-only" category for good. We only went out on one official "date" so far. And it was a very casual date, it ended with just a hug and a peck on the cheek. Which was fine, it was all I really expected anyhow. I would like to see her more often, but she is a very busy person, so we don't get very many good opportunities to spend much quality time together. We mostly stay in touch via IM's and email but we also see each other and hang out every now and then. Now that I've gotten to know her better, I find myself becoming more attracted to her. The problem is that I don't know if she still considers me as a potential boyfriend, or nothing more than just a friend. Bottom line: I'm getting the feeling that maybe I've waited too long and I may have blown my chances with her by now. But yet, I still can't tell if that "window of opportunity" has completely closed just yet. I realize that it's a very good possibility that it has, but I still feel(based on subtle clues) that there may still be hope. But then, maybe I'm just over analyzing things too. I don't know. Now here's my question: What would be a good way to test the waters and see if a more intimate relationship is still possible with her, without seriously jeopardizing the friendship we have now? I was thinking maybe I could try to give her a kiss the next time we go out, but then I think that that might make for an uncomfortable situation if it didn't turn out well, and if she wasn't expecting it. And things might not ever be the same between us after that. I just don't want to risk losing her as a friend, but at the same time I would like to see if something more is possible. Any advice?