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Confused As Hell

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Confused As Hell

I wanted to thank you all for your advice:) Anyhow I had a few further questions about my problem(For those who dont know it, you can just scroll down to my post from a few days back)

 

You're all correct that it wouldnt be cool for me to try to break them up.

 

A) Its something I wouldnt want someone to do to me.

 

B) I wanna show this girl that I respect her, and that includes her relationship with this bum. So I will respect her relationship for her sake because I want her to be happy.

 

Anyhow considering this guy is 21, has no job, no longterm goals, doesnt go to school, I think that this really kinda plays in my favor. They have been dating for awhile, since high school. I don't want to sound negative as I dont want this girl to get hurt, but im sure they'll break up eventually.

 

I mentioned that she is awfully busy and hasnt found time to take me up on my offer to go out to coffee. Someone suggested that maybe she is putting me off. However is it possible that she may be sincerely busy? I've brought the topic up a few times, and she apologizes and says how busy she is and that she would like to go out with me once she gets time. Normally I would agree that maybe its a putoff, however she seemed really happy when I offered, she smiled and when she said yes she seemed very sincere. I can only take her at her word. What makes me think that she isnt putting me off is that she never goes anywhere anymore. She is usually at school or at home studying. She used to go out all the time, or her boyfriend would bring a video over. However now when she isnt busy with schoolwork she is at her job. I've noticed that her boyfriend is around less and less. He used to come around a few times a week. Now its once every couple of weeks at best. Not to mention usually it seems he just hangs out there. Im actually under the impression that he just comes to hang out when she is doing her schoolwork.

 

Anyhow i've been rambling enough. The question at hand is do you think their relationship is really doomed? Also do you think that maybe she in time she may be attracted towards me. I would normally think she was already attracted towards me. I like going by the quote "Signs of interest are hard to see. However signs of disinterest are very easy to see." And she hasnt shown any sign of disinterest. Her and I have alot in common, also she has really opened up more within the last month or so. As well she has been asking alot more questions about me as well. Also as far as physical attraction im no shabby looking guy either.

 

So from everything I have told you all today and a few days ago. What do you think the best course of action may be? Should I just stick with what im doing?

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Don't ask her out anymore. Just continue being friends with her.

 

Whether she is happy with her current boyfriend or not is not your business. Whether she is attracted to you or interested in you makes no difference either because she is currently "with" someone else.

 

Right now you need to stop thinking about getting together with her. If you are so consumed with thoughts of her that you can't take interest in other girls that are available (single), you may need to stop seeing and talking to her so much. Otherwise, you are potentially setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

 

Follow the advice you were given before.

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Confused As Hell

The thing is I used to be so paranoid of being invasive or coming across too strong. I even mentioned my worries to her and she said its nothing to worry about. If I was being invasive she would tell me(Which she hasnt yet, so one can assume im not being invasive or annoying)

Don't ask her out anymore. Just continue being friends with her. Whether she is happy with her current boyfriend or not is not your business. Whether she is attracted to you or interested in you makes no difference either because she is currently "with" someone else. Right now you need to stop thinking about getting together with her. If you are so consumed with thoughts of her that you can't take interest in other girls that are available (single), you may need to stop seeing and talking to her so much. Otherwise, you are potentially setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Follow the advice you were given before.
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When you first meet someone or are trying to date someone, if they have any interest in you at all, they will not be too busy for anything. Not a phone call, not a cup of coffee, not a four hour long date. People make time for what is important to them when they are getting to know someone. When people are interested, they want to see more of you and want to spend time with you. (This does tend to change once you know someone and are dating exclusively--after all, you can't put off other aspects of your life forever! But that's a different ballgame than your situation.)

 

I don't believe that anyone is too busy to take a half an hour out of their day to have a cup of coffee with someone they like and are sincerely interested in getting to know. There are too many hours in the day for me to believe that. I have dated guys who work insane hours and have loads of friends and responsibilities, but they have always found time to see/call me. We prioritize our schedules around what is important to us. Work and school may come first, but certainly that is not all she has time for. How do you know that all she does is work and study? Your level of knowledge about her and her boyfriend's habits is a little creepy. How do you know he isn't picking her up and taking her out? How do you know she is home studying at night and not out with her girlfriends? You don't, unless you have some kind of weird video camera or bug in her house. You can't monitor every time she comes and goes unless you have no life of your own and are sitting in your window with binoculars.

 

Of course, this girl does have a boyfriend, so that might have something to do with it, but that is not the excuse she's given you. She told you she was TOO BUSY for coffee, not that she had a boyfriend and didn't think it would be proper for her to have coffee with you. That she has not been able to find 1/2 an hour in her busy schedule tells me she probably isn't interested. That doesn't mean she doesn't think you are a cool guy and likes you as a friend. It just means she likely isn't interested in anything more and is happy with her life as it is. That's also not to say that she will never have coffee with you. She might, once she decides that she has time for it. Until then, you are very low on her priority list and very low on her radar.

 

Just my opinion.

I wanted to thank you all for your advice:) Anyhow I had a few further questions about my problem(For those who dont know it, you can just scroll down to my post from a few days back) You're all correct that it wouldnt be cool for me to try to break them up. A) Its something I wouldnt want someone to do to me. B) I wanna show this girl that I respect her, and that includes her relationship with this bum. So I will respect her relationship for her sake because I want her to be happy. Anyhow considering this guy is 21, has no job, no longterm goals, doesnt go to school, I think that this really kinda plays in my favor. They have been dating for awhile, since high school. I don't want to sound negative as I dont want this girl to get hurt, but im sure they'll break up eventually. I mentioned that she is awfully busy and hasnt found time to take me up on my offer to go out to coffee. Someone suggested that maybe she is putting me off. However is it possible that she may be sincerely busy? I've brought the topic up a few times, and she apologizes and says how busy she is and that she would like to go out with me once she gets time. Normally I would agree that maybe its a putoff, however she seemed really happy when I offered, she smiled and when she said yes she seemed very sincere. I can only take her at her word. What makes me think that she isnt putting me off is that she never goes anywhere anymore. She is usually at school or at home studying. She used to go out all the time, or her boyfriend would bring a video over. However now when she isnt busy with schoolwork she is at her job. I've noticed that her boyfriend is around less and less. He used to come around a few times a week. Now its once every couple of weeks at best. Not to mention usually it seems he just hangs out there. Im actually under the impression that he just comes to hang out when she is doing her schoolwork. Anyhow i've been rambling enough. The question at hand is do you think their relationship is really doomed? Also do you think that maybe she in time she may be attracted towards me. I would normally think she was already attracted towards me. I like going by the quote "Signs of interest are hard to see. However signs of disinterest are very easy to see." And she hasnt shown any sign of disinterest. Her and I have alot in common, also she has really opened up more within the last month or so. As well she has been asking alot more questions about me as well. Also as far as physical attraction im no shabby looking guy either. So from everything I have told you all today and a few days ago. What do you think the best course of action may be? Should I just stick with what im doing?
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Confused As Hell

Well I dont think my knowledge of what they do is creepy at all. As I said we talk alot and she lives less than 25 feet from my house. She we live in a rather small cul de sac, so everything is in rather plain site. I just notice when people pull into my neighborhood because its so small.

 

I think what one problem of mine is that I have bad follow through. I do it all the time with my friends(both guys and girls). I mention we ought to do something, but never when. For example I've asked her to coffee twice, I never said "We should go on Saturday, etc" I just always mention "We should get together sometime." Its not that im not gonna follow through on my offer, its just im bad on being specific. Frankly she enjoys talking to me and the such, she told me straight to my face. I made it abundantly clear to her that I didnt want her to get the wrong impression and that it would only be an outing as friends. However who knows, maybe she doesnt want to make her boyfriend jealous, etc. I said hi to her once, just casually when I was getting the mail and he gave me a real dirty look.

When you first meet someone or are trying to date someone, if they have any interest in you at all, they will not be too busy for anything. Not a phone call, not a cup of coffee, not a four hour long date. People make time for what is important to them when they are getting to know someone. When people are interested, they want to see more of you and want to spend time with you. (This does tend to change once you know someone and are dating exclusively--after all, you can't put off other aspects of your life forever! But that's a different ballgame than your situation.) I don't believe that anyone is too busy to take a half an hour out of their day to have a cup of coffee with someone they like and are sincerely interested in getting to know. There are too many hours in the day for me to believe that. I have dated guys who work insane hours and have loads of friends and responsibilities, but they have always found time to see/call me. We prioritize our schedules around what is important to us. Work and school may come first, but certainly that is not all she has time for. How do you know that all she does is work and study? Your level of knowledge about her and her boyfriend's habits is a little creepy. How do you know he isn't picking her up and taking her out? How do you know she is home studying at night and not out with her girlfriends? You don't, unless you have some kind of weird video camera or bug in her house. You can't monitor every time she comes and goes unless you have no life of your own and are sitting in your window with binoculars. Of course, this girl does have a boyfriend, so that might have something to do with it, but that is not the excuse she's given you. She told you she was TOO BUSY for coffee, not that she had a boyfriend and didn't think it would be proper for her to have coffee with you. That she has not been able to find 1/2 an hour in her busy schedule tells me she probably isn't interested. That doesn't mean she doesn't think you are a cool guy and likes you as a friend. It just means she likely isn't interested in anything more and is happy with her life as it is. That's also not to say that she will never have coffee with you. She might, once she decides that she has time for it. Until then, you are very low on her priority list and very low on her radar. Just my opinion.
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First you say, you mentioned coffee"casually' without mentioning exaclty WHEN, and she said she's busy.

 

You mean you said "we should get together sometime"

 

or "let's get coffee sometime"-------------then she said she's busy. If that's the case, then you are really missing the boat here.

 

You yourself said in your second post all your invitations were "non-specific"..... and to that "non-specific" invitation, she said she was BUSY.....

 

Man, you are missing the boat.

 

Get a life. She is NOT going to go out with you.

 

You sound like a stalker type that has no life.

 

I wanted to thank you all for your advice:) Anyhow I had a few further questions about my problem(For those who dont know it, you can just scroll down to my post from a few days back) You're all correct that it wouldnt be cool for me to try to break them up. A) Its something I wouldnt want someone to do to me. B) I wanna show this girl that I respect her, and that includes her relationship with this bum. So I will respect her relationship for her sake because I want her to be happy. Anyhow considering this guy is 21, has no job, no longterm goals, doesnt go to school, I think that this really kinda plays in my favor. They have been dating for awhile, since high school. I don't want to sound negative as I dont want this girl to get hurt, but im sure they'll break up eventually. I mentioned that she is awfully busy and hasnt found time to take me up on my offer to go out to coffee. Someone suggested that maybe she is putting me off. However is it possible that she may be sincerely busy? I've brought the topic up a few times, and she apologizes and says how busy she is and that she would like to go out with me once she gets time. Normally I would agree that maybe its a putoff, however she seemed really happy when I offered, she smiled and when she said yes she seemed very sincere. I can only take her at her word. What makes me think that she isnt putting me off is that she never goes anywhere anymore. She is usually at school or at home studying. She used to go out all the time, or her boyfriend would bring a video over. However now when she isnt busy with schoolwork she is at her job. I've noticed that her boyfriend is around less and less. He used to come around a few times a week. Now its once every couple of weeks at best. Not to mention usually it seems he just hangs out there. Im actually under the impression that he just comes to hang out when she is doing her schoolwork. Anyhow i've been rambling enough. The question at hand is do you think their relationship is really doomed? Also do you think that maybe she in time she may be attracted towards me. I would normally think she was already attracted towards me. I like going by the quote "Signs of interest are hard to see. However signs of disinterest are very easy to see." And she hasnt shown any sign of disinterest. Her and I have alot in common, also she has really opened up more within the last month or so. As well she has been asking alot more questions about me as well. Also as far as physical attraction im no shabby looking guy either. So from everything I have told you all today and a few days ago. What do you think the best course of action may be? Should I just stick with what im doing?
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Don't kid yourself. It is creepy. I grew up in a small cul de sac, and I might've been able to say what time my neighbors left for work and got home from work, since I was leaving around the same time, but that's about it. You must be making a concerted effort to find out what she's up to, which is creepy. It's very creepy and stalker-like to a girl to know that a guy is keeping tabs on her schedule, so I hope you haven't shared your knowledge with her. I just don't understand why you have so much time to stare out the window and keep track of her every move.

 

And don't kid yourself about her being too busy. I've learned the hard way that when people say they are "too busy", it means they aren't interested. Especially when, as Rachel noted, you didn't give her a specific day or time and she says she's busy. Feel free to keep making excuses for her, but it sounds to me like you are wasting your time. I'm not saying that she doesn't enjoying talking to you out by the mailbox or whatever, but it doesn't appear that she wants anything beyond that. If she did, when you said you should go out for coffee "sometime" her response would have been "when?" not "sorry, I'm too busy right now."

 

And maybe her boyfriend gave you a dirty look because she mentioned that you were the creepy guy who knew every aspect of her schedule that she'd been telling him about.

 

Maybe you should look for a nice girl who lives a little further away...

Well I dont think my knowledge of what they do is creepy at all. As I said we talk alot and she lives less than 25 feet from my house. She we live in a rather small cul de sac, so everything is in rather plain site. I just notice when people pull into my neighborhood because its so small.

 

I think what one problem of mine is that I have bad follow through. I do it all the time with my friends(both guys and girls). I mention we ought to do something, but never when. For example I've asked her to coffee twice, I never said "We should go on Saturday, etc" I just always mention "We should get together sometime." Its not that im not gonna follow through on my offer, its just im bad on being specific. Frankly she enjoys talking to me and the such, she told me straight to my face. I made it abundantly clear to her that I didnt want her to get the wrong impression and that it would only be an outing as friends. However who knows, maybe she doesnt want to make her boyfriend jealous, etc. I said hi to her once, just casually when I was getting the mail and he gave me a real dirty look.

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As Clia, Rachel & others have pointed out, her message is as clear as it can be without her saying, "look, I don't wish to make plans with you." There really is no ambiguity here at all, you're simply perpetuating this with wishful thinking.

 

Hey, I know what it feels like. A guy I met last month asked me out on a date, we went, I thought we had a great time together. But after that he's been "busy" -- too busy to even email or phone me, let alone make plans for another date. Having used the busy excuse many times myself, I've had to face the unhappy (for me) fact that this guy is just not interested in me. Doesn't matter why. Maybe he's dating someone else right now. Maybe something I did on our date turned him off. Maybe he's really just very very busy right now. Point is: he's not showing any interest at all in spending time with me. Can't change that, and I'm certainly not going to badger him. End of story.

 

I think she's given you the end of the story. If you make a nuisance of yourself you will lose her goodwill very very quickly. Take her not-so-subtle hint and back off. There is nothing more to be done. You can accept this gracefully, or you can be dense and irritating. Which would you prefer? Which do you think she would prefer?

 

It's tough but we all face rejection. Put it behind you and find yourself an equally nice (or even nicer!) girl who is available.

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Confused As Hell

Hey, I came here asking for help. Not to be cruelly accused of stalking someone when I am not. You don't know me, I tried to explain my situation the best I could. When I asked her whether we could get together she didnt phrase it simply "Im busy". She said "When I have some free time that would be a good idea." She even comes over to talk to me, hardly the actions of a girl that thinks I am stalking her. She told me to my face that I have nothing to worry about, that if I were being invasive or bothersome she would tell me. Have you ever thought that maybe I know her schedule because she told me? Trust me, I know her pretty well now. Its not as trivial a relationship as you seem to think it is. If she just thought of me as a casual "neighbor she talks" to and not a friend why would she invite me to visit her at work, and so on.

 

All im saying is please dont judge me until you know me. Calling someone a stalker is very cruel, and very serious. Im sorry if im taking it waaay to personally, but when people say im stalking when im not it really hurts my feelings. You don't even know me, and seem to not even wanna bother. You seem too preoccupied with making premature judgments.

 

Sorry I asked for help.

First you say, you mentioned coffee"casually' without mentioning exaclty WHEN, and she said she's busy. You mean you said "we should get together sometime" or "let's get coffee sometime"-------------then she said she's busy. If that's the case, then you are really missing the boat here. You yourself said in your second post all your invitations were "non-specific"..... and to that "non-specific" invitation, she said she was BUSY..... Man, you are missing the boat. Get a life. She is NOT going to go out with you. You sound like a stalker type that has no life.
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