Interested? Or Not?

[midori]

OK guys, what do you make of this ...

 

Last month a friend of mine organized a lunch with me and a (male) friend of hers whom she wanted to introduce to me. I really liked him, and apparently he liked me because within a week of having lunch he emailed me to ask if I wanted to see a movie we'd been discussing at lunch. Due to busy schedules the movie date didn't happen for another week or so, but we went out and had a very nice evening -- had a drink, saw a movie (but not the one we'd intended to), followed by a bite to eat. When we parted that evening he said something to the effect that we ought to get together again, although he was very busy with work that weekend (we're both graduate students).

 

I sent him an email two days later, thanking him for the nice evening. No reply. Several days after that I sent him a second short email, re seeing another movie. This time he replied promptly, with apologies for not responding sooner (very busy with work). He had to go out of town for several days, and suggested that, re which movie to see, "let's see where things stand when I get back." I didn't hear from him for more than a week, and pretty much figured that I was being blown off.

 

But then I noticed that the funky little theater in my neighborhood was showing the movie we'd originally wanted to see, but hadn't. We'd thought the movie had stopped playing in our area. So I sent him a very short email, saying, "Just noticed that this movie is playing after all. It's not showing every day, but it's playing on Sunday if you're still interested."

 

That was last Friday. I got no reply to this email. Right, I figured I was definitely being blown off. Oh well. But on Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from him, apologizing for not replying to my email sooner (he's been busy) and wondering if I wanted to see the movie that evening. But, he warned, he was so busy that he wouldn't have time to get dinner too, maybe just a quick drink after the film. Or, he said, maybe we could get together for lunch later in the week. I gave it some thought and said that I'd worked enough for the day and could see the movie that evening, and we'd wanted to see it after all so why not take what might be our last chance to see it in the theater?

 

So we met at the theater. Chatted before the movie. He mentioned in passing that he'd been out the night before (so he's busy, but not THAT busy). Watched the movie. Started discussing it as we came out of the theater. A nice evening so far. As we stood there talking, he suddenly said, "OK, I'm going to have to head back now and do my taxes." (So much for that quick drink). I was cool about it, didn't try to make him feel weird or guilty. This time as we parted he did not mention anything about getting together again.

 

??? What in the world? If he didn't want to see me again, why did he ask me to see the movie? Does this make sense to anyone?

 

Two interpretations: 1) he's not interested in me and for whatever reason felt obliged to see this movie with me since we'd discussed it. Or 2) he's mildly interested in me but is very busy with work and isn't making plans in advance since he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep them.

 

To clear up the mystery (or try to) I sent him an email on Monday, briefly continuing the conversation about the movie we'd just seen. I then said, "Anyway, great to see you again. It's a shame we were so short on time, perhaps we can get together for a drink sometime this week, if your schedule allows." To which I have received no reply. Obviously I won't email him again. But I'm baffled.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I'd love to hear people's insights ...

[Angel]

Is it possible that he is seeing someone else too and he doesn't want to tell you because he also likes you and doesn't want to blow his chances with you if the other gal doesn't pan out? (sorry about the long-winded sentence)

OK guys, what do you make of this ... Last month a friend of mine organized a lunch with me and a (male) friend of hers whom she wanted to introduce to me. I really liked him, and apparently he liked me because within a week of having lunch he emailed me to ask if I wanted to see a movie we'd been discussing at lunch. Due to busy schedules the movie date didn't happen for another week or so, but we went out and had a very nice evening -- had a drink, saw a movie (but not the one we'd intended to), followed by a bite to eat. When we parted that evening he said something to the effect that we ought to get together again, although he was very busy with work that weekend (we're both graduate students). I sent him an email two days later, thanking him for the nice evening. No reply. Several days after that I sent him a second short email, re seeing another movie. This time he replied promptly, with apologies for not responding sooner (very busy with work). He had to go out of town for several days, and suggested that, re which movie to see, "let's see where things stand when I get back." I didn't hear from him for more than a week, and pretty much figured that I was being blown off. But then I noticed that the funky little theater in my neighborhood was showing the movie we'd originally wanted to see, but hadn't. We'd thought the movie had stopped playing in our area. So I sent him a very short email, saying, "Just noticed that this movie is playing after all. It's not showing every day, but it's playing on Sunday if you're still interested." That was last Friday. I got no reply to this email. Right, I figured I was definitely being blown off. Oh well. But on Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from him, apologizing for not replying to my email sooner (he's been busy) and wondering if I wanted to see the movie that evening. But, he warned, he was so busy that he wouldn't have time to get dinner too, maybe just a quick drink after the film. Or, he said, maybe we could get together for lunch later in the week. I gave it some thought and said that I'd worked enough for the day and could see the movie that evening, and we'd wanted to see it after all so why not take what might be our last chance to see it in the theater? So we met at the theater. Chatted before the movie. He mentioned in passing that he'd been out the night before (so he's busy, but not THAT busy). Watched the movie. Started discussing it as we came out of the theater. A nice evening so far. As we stood there talking, he suddenly said, "OK, I'm going to have to head back now and do my taxes." (So much for that quick drink). I was cool about it, didn't try to make him feel weird or guilty. This time as we parted he did not mention anything about getting together again. ??? What in the world? If he didn't want to see me again, why did he ask me to see the movie? Does this make sense to anyone? Two interpretations: 1) he's not interested in me and for whatever reason felt obliged to see this movie with me since we'd discussed it. Or 2) he's mildly interested in me but is very busy with work and isn't making plans in advance since he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep them. To clear up the mystery (or try to) I sent him an email on Monday, briefly continuing the conversation about the movie we'd just seen. I then said, "Anyway, great to see you again. It's a shame we were so short on time, perhaps we can get together for a drink sometime this week, if your schedule allows." To which I have received no reply. Obviously I won't email him again. But I'm baffled. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd love to hear people's insights ...

[Venus]

I think interested or not, but it's too frustrating when you have to chase a guy. Give him the initiative, don't write, don't call. If he doesn't write or call that should tell you everything.

OK guys, what do you make of this ... Last month a friend of mine organized a lunch with me and a (male) friend of hers whom she wanted to introduce to me. I really liked him, and apparently he liked me because within a week of having lunch he emailed me to ask if I wanted to see a movie we'd been discussing at lunch. Due to busy schedules the movie date didn't happen for another week or so, but we went out and had a very nice evening -- had a drink, saw a movie (but not the one we'd intended to), followed by a bite to eat. When we parted that evening he said something to the effect that we ought to get together again, although he was very busy with work that weekend (we're both graduate students). I sent him an email two days later, thanking him for the nice evening. No reply. Several days after that I sent him a second short email, re seeing another movie. This time he replied promptly, with apologies for not responding sooner (very busy with work). He had to go out of town for several days, and suggested that, re which movie to see, "let's see where things stand when I get back." I didn't hear from him for more than a week, and pretty much figured that I was being blown off. But then I noticed that the funky little theater in my neighborhood was showing the movie we'd originally wanted to see, but hadn't. We'd thought the movie had stopped playing in our area. So I sent him a very short email, saying, "Just noticed that this movie is playing after all. It's not showing every day, but it's playing on Sunday if you're still interested." That was last Friday. I got no reply to this email. Right, I figured I was definitely being blown off. Oh well. But on Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from him, apologizing for not replying to my email sooner (he's been busy) and wondering if I wanted to see the movie that evening. But, he warned, he was so busy that he wouldn't have time to get dinner too, maybe just a quick drink after the film. Or, he said, maybe we could get together for lunch later in the week. I gave it some thought and said that I'd worked enough for the day and could see the movie that evening, and we'd wanted to see it after all so why not take what might be our last chance to see it in the theater? So we met at the theater. Chatted before the movie. He mentioned in passing that he'd been out the night before (so he's busy, but not THAT busy). Watched the movie. Started discussing it as we came out of the theater. A nice evening so far. As we stood there talking, he suddenly said, "OK, I'm going to have to head back now and do my taxes." (So much for that quick drink). I was cool about it, didn't try to make him feel weird or guilty. This time as we parted he did not mention anything about getting together again. ??? What in the world? If he didn't want to see me again, why did he ask me to see the movie? Does this make sense to anyone? Two interpretations: 1) he's not interested in me and for whatever reason felt obliged to see this movie with me since we'd discussed it. Or 2) he's mildly interested in me but is very busy with work and isn't making plans in advance since he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep them. To clear up the mystery (or try to) I sent him an email on Monday, briefly continuing the conversation about the movie we'd just seen. I then said, "Anyway, great to see you again. It's a shame we were so short on time, perhaps we can get together for a drink sometime this week, if your schedule allows." To which I have received no reply. Obviously I won't email him again. But I'm baffled. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd love to hear people's insights ...

[Tony T]

Both Angel and Venus have good points. I think you could probably do your PhD disseratation on this situation since the number of reasons could certainly fill a book.

 

There is no good purpose in speculating on his reasons for the less than passionate response to your invitations and encounters. Perhaps he only has a few weeks to live.

 

No matter what the reason, if a man wants to spend time with a woman he will find the time no matter what sort of activities or work he is engaged in.

 

Intuitively, I feel this man is intimidated by your intellect. He feels very safe making small talk with you prior to a movie and quietly watching a movie. But going with you for a drink or dinner would require him to have meaningful intellectual exchanges with you and my best feeling is that he doesn't feel equal to the task.

[Rachel]

Hi Midori! I always love reading your responses, and for a

 

change you have a question.... here's what I think;

 

Number one: I think you should have called him on all those occasions, not e-mailed him. E-mail is impersonal and seems business like. It also seems like a chicken thing to do... like you didn't have the guts to call, so you e-mailed instead.

 

At this point, I would NOT contact him again. For any reason. Just wait and see what happens. Period. You have done enough to initiate the meetings, etc. So, he needs to do the same.

 

As far as his level of interest;

 

It's hard to say, but I would say he is NOT interested if he doesn't contact you within 2 weeks from today..

 

Taxes are a bitch, and he may have been doing that too.

 

well, keep us posted.

 

Both Angel and Venus have good points. I think you could probably do your PhD disseratation on this situation since the number of reasons could certainly fill a book. There is no good purpose in speculating on his reasons for the less than passionate response to your invitations and encounters. Perhaps he only has a few weeks to live. No matter what the reason, if a man wants to spend time with a woman he will find the time no matter what sort of activities or work he is engaged in. Intuitively, I feel this man is intimidated by your intellect. He feels very safe making small talk with you prior to a movie and quietly watching a movie. But going with you for a drink or dinner would require him to have meaningful intellectual exchanges with you and my best feeling is that he doesn't feel equal to the task.

[Tony T]

If a woman lets the man do the chasing, she can never doubt his level of interest.

 

I think it's tragic that society has evolved to the point where chivalry no longer exists and that women actually have to go out of their way to attempt to court a male.

 

I agree she should not have emailed and I agree that it's better to call...but I feel it is a whole lot better if the male shows some enthusiasm by making most of the moves.

[midori]

Unlikely, and very sad if true. He's a very intelligent guy.

Intuitively, I feel this man is intimidated by your intellect. He feels very safe making small talk with you prior to a movie and quietly watching a movie. But going with you for a drink or dinner would require him to have meaningful intellectual exchanges with you and my best feeling is that he doesn't feel equal to the task.

[Tony T]

Not unlikely at all. Just because he's a graduate student doesn't mean he can keep up a conversation with a lady like you. There are graduate students who don't know much of anything outside the classroom or who are more able to matriculate than articulate.

 

This is the only explanation that comes close to being logical, given that he will attend movies with you but shys away from other activities.

 

Overall, this guy doesn't sound like somebody you ought to put a lot of energy into.

[midori]

You're right there. Unfortunately there's no one else on the horizon, so he assumes greater significance in my love-starved life.

 

But, as you and everyone else have advised, I will pursue this no further. If he wants to go out with me again he'll ask. I've had more than enough of evasive men.

Overall, this guy doesn't sound like somebody you ought to put a lot of energy into.

[midori]

Fear not, I will not be chasing this guy. I wondered if I was missing something patently clear to everyone else, but it does seem like I'll have to chalk this up to general cluelessness on his part. Angel may be right about another woman in the picture; Tony,Venus & Rachel are definitely right that he should be making an effort if he's really interested.

 

Sheesh. I really liked this guy.

[Stuck]

Hi Midori,

 

 

 

For what it's worth, I am experiencing almost the same situation. Reading your story, I thought instantly "Oh no, she's making herself too available with that flurry of emails", but I think I've just done the same thing.

 

 

 

Like you, too, I had met someone who I pegged as a potential right away. We both play a musical instrument, are multilingual and grew up in different countries, have similar educational backgrounds and the like. Blah blah blah. He seemed really interested when we met. I know I was.

 

 

 

I decided to let him contact me - and he did, the following Monday, by email (I did not respond as it wasn't an invitation to go out or anything). Then I saw him face to face at a social gathering - but only briefly as I was on my way out as he was coming in. Then I emailed him back a few days later, and we ended up exchanging a very amusing set of emails for a couple of hours one afternoon.

 

 

 

Then I had a business trip and was out of the country for a while. When I got back, I sent him a message to ask if he was going to this political/social gathering event, and he called immediately. I could only talk briefly. I've seen him once at that party, and contacted him by email afterwards to send him something relevant from that event. Friends said he'd been asking about me, and when he didn't realize I was out of town, was seen moseying about in my usual hangout. But now, I haven't heard anything back at all. It's been over a week.

 

 

 

I have no idea what happened. He hadn't actually asked me out, but had been hinting strongly of us getting together at some point. I'm just wondering if I made myself seem too easy to get.

 

 

 

And by the way, I felt I was even being fairly reserved this time. I read that book "the rules" the last time I was in the States, and thought I'd not contact him. but maybe I did too much anyway?

 

 

 

This is so damn frustrating. That's just my two cents.

[Venus]

It doesn't look to me that you made yourself too available. It could be that he thinks you are not interested enough in him, of course I might be wrong, but you probably never showed him any personal interest. If I was you I would send him one last e-mail of a more personal content. After all don't you want to know what really happens?

Hi Midori, For what it's worth, I am experiencing almost the same situation. Reading your story, I thought instantly "Oh no, she's making herself too available with that flurry of emails", but I think I've just done the same thing. Like you, too, I had met someone who I pegged as a potential right away. We both play a musical instrument, are multilingual and grew up in different countries, have similar educational backgrounds and the like. Blah blah blah. He seemed really interested when we met. I know I was. I decided to let him contact me - and he did, the following Monday, by email (I did not respond as it wasn't an invitation to go out or anything). Then I saw him face to face at a social gathering - but only briefly as I was on my way out as he was coming in. Then I emailed him back a few days later, and we ended up exchanging a very amusing set of emails for a couple of hours one afternoon. Then I had a business trip and was out of the country for a while. When I got back, I sent him a message to ask if he was going to this political/social gathering event, and he called immediately. I could only talk briefly. I've seen him once at that party, and contacted him by email afterwards to send him something relevant from that event. Friends said he'd been asking about me, and when he didn't realize I was out of town, was seen moseying about in my usual hangout. But now, I haven't heard anything back at all. It's been over a week. I have no idea what happened. He hadn't actually asked me out, but had been hinting strongly of us getting together at some point. I'm just wondering if I made myself seem too easy to get. And by the way, I felt I was even being fairly reserved this time. I read that book "the rules" the last time I was in the States, and thought I'd not contact him. but maybe I did too much anyway? This is so damn frustrating. That's just my two cents.

[BeenThere]

Perhaps your friend has been taking too much of the male advice on this forum about "not seeming too needy." Perhaps he is also convinced, like many males, that if he remains elusive he will some how drive you crazy and make you want him all that more. But the real mystery is discovering whether or not he is able to maintain that "perfect balance" between showing interest and displaying a total lack thereof.

 

So is working, Midori? Does he have you "hooked?" Or are you one of those strong, independant types that men fear the most: to damn clever to be played and way too confident to waste time playing games.

 

I think Romeo here is VERY interested in you. But I also think he has finally met his match! (wink)

 

I can't wait to find out the outcome...

 

My money's on you!

 

OK guys, what do you make of this ... Last month a friend of mine organized a lunch with me and a (male) friend of hers whom she wanted to introduce to me. I really liked him, and apparently he liked me because within a week of having lunch he emailed me to ask if I wanted to see a movie we'd been discussing at lunch. Due to busy schedules the movie date didn't happen for another week or so, but we went out and had a very nice evening -- had a drink, saw a movie (but not the one we'd intended to), followed by a bite to eat. When we parted that evening he said something to the effect that we ought to get together again, although he was very busy with work that weekend (we're both graduate students). I sent him an email two days later, thanking him for the nice evening. No reply. Several days after that I sent him a second short email, re seeing another movie. This time he replied promptly, with apologies for not responding sooner (very busy with work). He had to go out of town for several days, and suggested that, re which movie to see, "let's see where things stand when I get back." I didn't hear from him for more than a week, and pretty much figured that I was being blown off. But then I noticed that the funky little theater in my neighborhood was showing the movie we'd originally wanted to see, but hadn't. We'd thought the movie had stopped playing in our area. So I sent him a very short email, saying, "Just noticed that this movie is playing after all. It's not showing every day, but it's playing on Sunday if you're still interested." That was last Friday. I got no reply to this email. Right, I figured I was definitely being blown off. Oh well. But on Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from him, apologizing for not replying to my email sooner (he's been busy) and wondering if I wanted to see the movie that evening. But, he warned, he was so busy that he wouldn't have time to get dinner too, maybe just a quick drink after the film. Or, he said, maybe we could get together for lunch later in the week. I gave it some thought and said that I'd worked enough for the day and could see the movie that evening, and we'd wanted to see it after all so why not take what might be our last chance to see it in the theater? So we met at the theater. Chatted before the movie. He mentioned in passing that he'd been out the night before (so he's busy, but not THAT busy). Watched the movie. Started discussing it as we came out of the theater. A nice evening so far. As we stood there talking, he suddenly said, "OK, I'm going to have to head back now and do my taxes." (So much for that quick drink). I was cool about it, didn't try to make him feel weird or guilty. This time as we parted he did not mention anything about getting together again. ??? What in the world? If he didn't want to see me again, why did he ask me to see the movie? Does this make sense to anyone? Two interpretations: 1) he's not interested in me and for whatever reason felt obliged to see this movie with me since we'd discussed it. Or 2) he's mildly interested in me but is very busy with work and isn't making plans in advance since he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep them. To clear up the mystery (or try to) I sent him an email on Monday, briefly continuing the conversation about the movie we'd just seen. I then said, "Anyway, great to see you again. It's a shame we were so short on time, perhaps we can get together for a drink sometime this week, if your schedule allows." To which I have received no reply. Obviously I won't email him again. But I'm baffled. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd love to hear people's insights ...