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My old boyfriend and I broke up over a year ago. I have remained friends w/ he and his children. He and I talk on the phone and occasionally I will do things w/ he and his children. We dated for 4 years and I am very close to the children. Over the last 6 months I have dated and gotten engaged to a wonderful man and we plan to get married next year. I have told both of these men about the other one. My fiance is fine and supportive w/ the friendship because he knows I love the children. Today on the phone out of the blue the old boyfriend tells me he does not want to talk to me or see me at all because he still has feelings for me and even talking to me is making it hard for him to move on w/ his life. He wanted me to focus all my energy on my new fiance. Then he turned around and asked me to come to his sons soccer game this weekend. What do you think about this? Is it possible to maintain both friendships? I love my fiance and not my old boyfriend, but I do value the freindship. I told old one I would be respectful of whatever he wanted.

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Look, Your fiancee is being very patient, but mistakenly so.

 

Your ex is more honest about the relationship between you and he.

 

You have to chose one path or the other. Do not use the ex's children as the excuse.

 

If you are to marry this guy, then you have to give up your relationship with the other man and his children. Hey, the guy even told you do to just that.

 

But to confuse the issue a bit he made it clear you can come into his life if you give up your fiancee.

 

Stop chumming for ego strokes by stringing along both men.

 

It barely matters that you are not (presumably) sleeping with both of them.

 

If you are to marry, forsake all others, capiche?

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He wants you to attend the game as an excuse to see you, be with you, cause he still has it bad for you. Has he moved on to other women?

 

You can still keep a f/s with children, but not as often as you or they would like. Spending time with them, one on one, or the whole pack. Take them to the mall, skating rink, movie, whatever. But seldom. You can talk to them on the phone or be there as an emergency contact for the school.

 

What happens when your ex heals and finds someone else? You have to spend less times with the kids than you do now.

 

But while keeping the r/s open with children you have to close the door on your ex more. Dont give him too much conversation, or see too long when you pick up the kids to take them out for a few hours.

 

Look, Your fiancee is being very patient, but mistakenly so. Your ex is more honest about the relationship between you and he. You have to chose one path or the other. Do not use the ex's children as the excuse. If you are to marry this guy, then you have to give up your relationship with the other man and his children. Hey, the guy even told you do to just that. But to confuse the issue a bit he made it clear you can come into his life if you give up your fiancee. Stop chumming for ego strokes by stringing along both men. It barely matters that you are not (presumably) sleeping with both of them. If you are to marry, forsake all others, capiche?
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I posted yesterday under new fiance and old lover. My fiance and I have plans all weekend. My old lover just asked me if I would watch his sons after the one childs soccer game tomorrow. I am still close to his children...what should I do. The youngest one who is 4 1/2 has only know me for his mother. I am having a very tough time breaking the old relationship because of the children. What should I do? My new fiance said great we should watch the kids because he feels like they are my children from a prior relationship. I am so confused! I cannot seem to move forward, but I don't want to go back. Help! Even though old lover wants to get back together.

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You wrote exactly what's going on here:

 

"Even though old lover wants to get back together."

 

It seems that your ex is trying a tacky and last ditch effort to win you back.....by wanting you to remain in his children's lives. Personally, I think this is really low.....it's pretty darn close to him USING THEM as pawns to get you back. How much lower can a parent go than that?

 

I think your fiance is close to being a saint here. I think most fiances (or fiancees) would grow a little uncomfortable with all of this continued contact with ex/ex's kids. The past is the past. While it's true that you obviously were an integral part of the children's lives, it does them no favors by you remaining in their life when you're going to go off and marry someone else...and not be a more permanent/consistent part of their lives. Although it may sound cruel, children from divorced families need to learn that just because their parent dated someone, that person isn't going to be around forever, should the relationship end. For the ex (in your case, you) to remain in the picture, I think it can really confuse the kids...and perhaps give them a very false sense of security, etc.

 

Surely you're not the only one in the world who can look after your ex's son. Surely he can find a good babysitter or friend to look after him. I think it's rather bold of him to put you in this position....he obviously knows you care a great deal for the children, plus he already has made his feelings for you known.......he's putting you in a very awkward position. That's simply not fair to you, or to your fiance.

 

He's only trying to keep the 'ties' there between you. That's not the least bit respectful, realistic or healthy for all concerned...... He needs to accept the fact that you're with someone else, committed to marrying them and that you've moved on with your life, as should he. The more you remain in contact with him and his kids, at this point anyway, the more he's going to "hold onto a pipe dream" and think he still has some kind of chance at winning you back.

 

You two obviously ended your relationship for good reason. Don't forget that reason (or reasons).

 

I've been in 2 long term relationships with men who had children.....(joint custody). Yes, I ended up very attached to the children, and it was very hard when these guys turned out to be buttheads and I had to break it off with them (I'd lived with each of them). It was very hard to 'let go' of the children.....it was hard for them, too. It was a very emotionally upsetting time. I eventually had to just slowly break off all contact with them because it just didn't seem 'right' for me to remain in the picture......of course their Dad would go on to meet someone else and they would hopefully have with that new person, what they had with me.

 

I think you really need to tell your ex that you're not a babysitter and that he needs to find someone else..and to please not put you in this awkward position any more. You need to firmly but kindly remind him that you've moved on and that you have a new life with someone else.......and if he doesn't 'get that' then that's his problem entirely...and you should not allow him to guilt you into feeling like you've abandoned them all.

 

L

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Okay's got a point -- if the ex knows that you've got a soft spot for his kids, and he still has feelings for you, he's eventually going to overstep the boundaries you've tried to set by using his kids as bait. As much as it's gonna hurt to not have access to the kids anymore, you're better off encouraging your ex to stop finding ways to keep including you in his life at this point. Good intentions can quickly go awry.

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