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How to Handle an Ex-friend


Trialbyfire

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I have a situation with an ex-friend who I'm not interested in hurting or harming but wish to maintain distance for assorted reasons. I still consider her a good person, in that she has a good heart and means well. What the problem is, is that she seems intent on grudge bearing and getting "even" for whatever reason. I could return the favour and dispense an equal amount of truth but that's not what I want to do.

 

How would you handle it? I'm tired of just ignoring her, hoping she'll maintain a civil distance and accept that sometimes friendships don't work. She can't seem to adhere to this.

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It appears to be the latter, although maybe negative attention getting is part of it. Much of what she's using, she believes are my vulnerabilities. This leads me to believe that she never understood who I am.

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I don't understand. Is she trying to be your friend, or is she trying to get even?

 

Actually, the answer is neither.

 

And if this friend started a thread and needed help with something I would hope you'd return the favor and dispense your truth. When, and if, it's solicited I'm sure she'd welcome it.

 

What is this ex-friend not "adhering" to? Has she had any contact with you whatsoever outside of the boards?

 

If she's only responding on a PUBLIC forum, then I don't see what the issue is.

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Thats a pretty nasty situation you got yourself into! I hope she doesn't get desparate and do anything dangerous.

 

:laugh::lmao:

 

Yes, her advice on a public forum can certainly be deadly!

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I don't think she's unbalanced. Just hurt and wanting to lash out.

 

Hurt? Perhaps so. Lashing out? I think not. Giving dead-on advice to someone she knows very well is not lashing out I don't think.

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Can't you talk to her about it?

 

It is horrible when friends fall out, especially when it could be sorted out with a bit of communication and honesty

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Hurt? Perhaps so. Lashing out? I think not. Giving dead-on advice to someone she knows very well is not lashing out I don't think.

The sad reality is that you don't know me well at all, as proven to me quite clearly through your advice in the past and currently. Here's a truth and while I take full responsibility for taking the advice, your advice in the past has been the opposite of what's good for me. It was good advice for someone else.

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Can't you talk to her about it?

 

It is horrible when friends fall out, especially when it could be sorted out with a bit of communication and honesty.

 

I agree.

 

Honestly, breakups with good friends have been worse for me over the long-term than my breakup with my most significant BF ever. I still have pangs for one particular friend.

 

Can the two of you talk about it? Without using code?

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Can't you talk to her about it?

 

It is horrible when friends fall out, especially when it could be sorted out with a bit of communication and honesty

At the time of the falling out, the entire situation was surreal, in that there was no talking rationally about anything. I don't want to get into the details of what happened but overall, its a lost cause.

 

Once again, she has a good heart and means well, normally.

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I agree.

 

Honestly, breakups with good friends have been worse for me over the long-term than my breakup with my most significant BF ever. I still have pangs for one particular friend.

 

Can the two of you talk about it? Without using code?

I just want to maintain distance. Talking about it won't change my ethics.

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If someone gave you the worst and crappiest advice, meant for someone else, I wonder why you'd continue to ask for that advice up until the end. Interesting. Maybe it was being solicited for those mysterious "other people" that it applied to?

 

Anyway, this is really simple. Just ignore the advice given and do the opposite. How's that?

 

In the meantime, I certainly hope that the advice given helps someone else. One of those other people alluded to.

 

:)

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I just want to maintain distance. Talking about it won't change my ethics.

 

On this we can agree. I expect certain things (rightly or wrongly) from a friendship. And if I can't get that, then I'd rather not have the friend in question at all. So on that we can certainly agree.

 

Some things just aren't negotiable.

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It is a real shame!

 

2 strong characters bumping heads is hard work - Hopefully this gets resolved as you have been friends for time and normally work well together!

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This reminds me of an ex-friend who I avoid and do not actively contact.

 

The friend would contact me whenever there is an issue in said life. Anyway, what I have done is to not contact the person. When the ex-friend would call I would let it go to voicemail. This friend has sent emails to me asking for contact. I've even told this friend that it is better to be acquaintances versus going back to the old days.

 

Sometimes it requires a direct approach even if the person will get nasty or try to get even. A friendship is a type of relationship and both use similar methods to "move on."

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jerbear, I tried the avoidance aka civil distance tactic, it didn't work. This ex-friend likes to air confidentialities about people. I have little respect for someone who would attempt to use what they view as personal vulnerabilities, in a public venue. They also have to realize that in doing so, it can be a double-edged sword.

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hmm... I remember them. What I've done in the past was to feed false information thru their sources. It is not easy to being a private person at times and keeping vulnerabilities semi-private.

 

I can see what you meant by double edged sword. I would have to caution on getting into an pissing contest with your ex-friend by trading jabs. Another thing was to address their behavior in public at the time it happens and really putting them on the spot then. They will get upset/pissy but sometimes it has to be done.

 

There was a saying, never get into a pissing contest with a skunk, and she IMO smells like a skunk.

 

It seems like your some of your civil options with your ex-friend is exhausted.

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jerbear, I tried the avoidance aka civil distance tactic, it didn't work. This ex-friend likes to air confidentialities about people. I have little respect for someone who would attempt to use what they view as personal vulnerabilities, in a public venue. They also have to realize that in doing so, it can be a double-edged sword.

 

WTF? Is that a threat?:confused: I've never posted about anything that wasn't already brought up by the OP in a public forum. Never. Wow.

 

Wow, and wow. Incredible. You're right, I surely do NOT know the person who just posted the above.

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jerbear, that's what I'm doing at present. Addressing the issue. I wanted to keep everything at a civil distance and will do so, if it's maintained. Where I think it will fall down is through confidential correspondence. This person needs to win at all costs.

 

As for feeding false information, I strongly agree that red herrings help to expose sources. ;)

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