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living platonically with the man i love


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hey all

 

i need some advice, duh... i'm 22 and about to graduate college and perhaps move away... and i just finally completely severed all ties with my ex-bf and made the decision to take a brake from men (coz you're all bastards :)... anyway, valentines day rolled around last week and i was single and i was fine, totally... then the next night my guy roomate / best friend of three years whom i've harbored a major crush on, who gives me back rubs, holds my hair back when i puke, is a shoulder to cry on, and sleeps next to me when i'm lonely, etc etc... well we were laying in bed and one thing lead to another (but we didn't have sex) and the whole thing was so wonderful.. or so I thought! first let me say that this guy is amazing, an absolute dream, and I never thought in a million years he'd be even slightly attracted to me. We treat each other like brother and sister and are very affectionate but in three years we've never attempted to be intimate. i don't know why all of a sudden out of the blue he starts kissing me, and i wanted to interrupt, say hey whats going on, but it was too intense and i wasn't about to spoil my one dream come true. anyway, he's a notoriously bad boyfriend, but for some reason i expected him to be different with me because we're so close and know one another so well. he knows that just hooking up isn't my thing... well the next morning he barely said two words to me and we've not talked about it at all and that was a week ago. there's this uncomfortable air about the house and the both of us were already stressed out and grumpy with school and work. and now things between us have gone from 30 to 60 back down to 0 in a flash. I don't know what to do. For some reason I can't talk to him. I want to be up front with him and tell him im in love with him, but i think that might complicate matters even more... i think he regrets it or maybe just wanted a fling... i wish to be with him and now that ive tasted what that would be like (itleast physcially) i want him even more and its driving me crazy. i can't sleep or eat. i either want things to go back to exactly how they were before, or i want a relationship. but i think what i'll end up getting is the boot. help help help. is it even worth talking to him, or should i be adult about this and just enjoy our one night fling for exactly what it was? coz it's not like he knew how i felt about him. am i blowing all this out of proportion - is it gonna send him away knowing how i feel about him? ok, phew... please help me, thanks!

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It was convientant! You were laying there all close to him and he felt the body heat. Amazing what a mess those body tingles can make. How does he act around you now? Does he not seem to mind what happend btw you too?

 

He's waiting for you to say the first words. He does not want to be the first to open his mouth. So you could tell him how you feel, but you said he would probably run! So I would just be silent and put it behind until he says something.

 

In the mean time I would say "Hey friend, how are you" give him the signal that your his friend and if he wants more I would let him show you and not look any deeper into it unitl than.

 

Dont let a moment of lust consume you. Keep going, like it didnt happen. The moment has passed. And I know it's nice to cuddle, I often would like some big arms wrapped around me. But dont cuddle anymore!

 

hey all i need some advice, duh... i'm 22 and about to graduate college and perhaps move away... and i just finally completely severed all ties with my ex-bf and made the decision to take a brake from men (coz you're all bastards :)... anyway, valentines day rolled around last week and i was single and i was fine, totally... then the next night my guy roomate / best friend of three years whom i've harbored a major crush on, who gives me back rubs, holds my hair back when i puke, is a shoulder to cry on, and sleeps next to me when i'm lonely, etc etc... well we were laying in bed and one thing lead to another (but we didn't have sex) and the whole thing was so wonderful.. or so I thought! first let me say that this guy is amazing, an absolute dream, and I never thought in a million years he'd be even slightly attracted to me. We treat each other like brother and sister and are very affectionate but in three years we've never attempted to be intimate. i don't know why all of a sudden out of the blue he starts kissing me, and i wanted to interrupt, say hey whats going on, but it was too intense and i wasn't about to spoil my one dream come true. anyway, he's a notoriously bad boyfriend, but for some reason i expected him to be different with me because we're so close and know one another so well. he knows that just hooking up isn't my thing... well the next morning he barely said two words to me and we've not talked about it at all and that was a week ago. there's this uncomfortable air about the house and the both of us were already stressed out and grumpy with school and work. and now things between us have gone from 30 to 60 back down to 0 in a flash. I don't know what to do. For some reason I can't talk to him. I want to be up front with him and tell him im in love with him, but i think that might complicate matters even more... i think he regrets it or maybe just wanted a fling... i wish to be with him and now that ive tasted what that would be like (itleast physcially) i want him even more and its driving me crazy. i can't sleep or eat. i either want things to go back to exactly how they were before, or i want a relationship. but i think what i'll end up getting is the boot. help help help. is it even worth talking to him, or should i be adult about this and just enjoy our one night fling for exactly what it was? coz it's not like he knew how i felt about him. am i blowing all this out of proportion - is it gonna send him away knowing how i feel about him? ok, phew... please help me, thanks!
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Things are weird between u as they are ... they're not likely to go back to how they were b4 that night... if i were u, yes, i'd tell him how u feel, and then back off. see how he takes it. u'r not likely to restore what u had before, so all u can do is try building an r/s. cuz otherwise u'll simply drift apart..... i think.

 

just my view,

 

-yes

hey all i need some advice, duh... i'm 22 and about to graduate college and perhaps move away... and i just finally completely severed all ties with my ex-bf and made the decision to take a brake from men (coz you're all bastards :)... anyway, valentines day rolled around last week and i was single and i was fine, totally... then the next night my guy roomate / best friend of three years whom i've harbored a major crush on, who gives me back rubs, holds my hair back when i puke, is a shoulder to cry on, and sleeps next to me when i'm lonely, etc etc... well we were laying in bed and one thing lead to another (but we didn't have sex) and the whole thing was so wonderful.. or so I thought! first let me say that this guy is amazing, an absolute dream, and I never thought in a million years he'd be even slightly attracted to me. We treat each other like brother and sister and are very affectionate but in three years we've never attempted to be intimate. i don't know why all of a sudden out of the blue he starts kissing me, and i wanted to interrupt, say hey whats going on, but it was too intense and i wasn't about to spoil my one dream come true. anyway, he's a notoriously bad boyfriend, but for some reason i expected him to be different with me because we're so close and know one another so well. he knows that just hooking up isn't my thing... well the next morning he barely said two words to me and we've not talked about it at all and that was a week ago. there's this uncomfortable air about the house and the both of us were already stressed out and grumpy with school and work. and now things between us have gone from 30 to 60 back down to 0 in a flash. I don't know what to do. For some reason I can't talk to him. I want to be up front with him and tell him im in love with him, but i think that might complicate matters even more... i think he regrets it or maybe just wanted a fling... i wish to be with him and now that ive tasted what that would be like (itleast physcially) i want him even more and its driving me crazy. i can't sleep or eat. i either want things to go back to exactly how they were before, or i want a relationship. but i think what i'll end up getting is the boot. help help help. is it even worth talking to him, or should i be adult about this and just enjoy our one night fling for exactly what it was? coz it's not like he knew how i felt about him. am i blowing all this out of proportion - is it gonna send him away knowing how i feel about him? ok, phew... please help me, thanks!
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Stick to your guns. You severed all ties with your ex and and made the decision to take a break from men. I think those were good things to do. Keep those plans for now.

 

You have made a lot more of this experience with your roommate than he intended for you to. In his mind, he was just being nice and sweet to you. He probably feels affection for you as a long time friend. However, it is extremely obvious from his behavior that that's as far as it goes.

 

Now, I urge you to find another place to live as soon as possible. First, you cannot live platonically with a man you have such a love for. Second, if there is a morsel of feelings on his part, he is not likely to act on them while you are there because it seems he is one of those rare men who actually has the consideration not to do so. Thirdly, you need to give yourself some time to heal from your previous relationship before you rush into a new one...for Pete's sake.

 

Yes, I know, it will be a real bxtch to find another place to live but you are nuts if you think you can remain sane in the same house with a guy you're in love with who is not showing the same interest in you. Once you move out and are living elsewhere, then let some time pass and then announce your feelings for him. Then, if he does not respond in kind it won't be so awkward. I do urge you to let him know how you feel at some point down the line when you're a little more emotionally stable.

 

You really like to screw around with you feelings, don't you? You don't seem to need a man in your life to do that. Get over your ex completely before you start making decisive moves in the love department.

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I agree with Tony on this one, Ash. You have to be on your own for a while to get you head together. As much of a hassle as it may be -- you have to move out. Is there anywhere you can go?

 

Look, I know the two of you have gotten quite comfy, and maybe I'm totally out of touch when it comes to the boundaries between platonic friendships and casual lovers these days, but the fact that the two of you "cuddled" together in bed on occasions (sex or not) was already inviting disaster. When two people establish a "friendship" than the support you receive from each other should be emotional only and physical contact is usually limited to 'hugs' only. It's very dangerous when you cross the line and become each other's 'physical' surrogate. The boundaries can than become fuzzy between what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior -- especially when one of you is feeling particularly vulnerable or needy. And once that line is crossed, it can be very difficult to go back to what you had before. Someone is always left feeling hurt and confused while the other feels foolish and regretful. Always remember that physical intimacy with women is almost always connected to emotional intimacy. We are wired to our hearts. While men, on the other hand, are biologically geared so that sex is often just a physical relief, and although they may be 'fond' of their partner, it is does not mean in any way that they are expressing deep-seeded feelings of love or desire. And right now, your friend is probably feeling as awkward about what happened as you are.

 

Maybe, if after you've established some distance between the two of you he will have time to sort through what he is feeling. And you as well. Whatever is meant to be between the two of you can only evolve now with some time and space. I think if you remain in the situation you're in, things will only get more complicated. No 'rebounds' Ash&it's not healthy. Especially when there's a friendship at steak.

 

Good luck Ash, and I wish you the best. I really do...

hey all i need some advice, duh... i'm 22 and about to graduate college and perhaps move away... and i just finally completely severed all ties with my ex-bf and made the decision to take a brake from men (coz you're all bastards :)... anyway, valentines day rolled around last week and i was single and i was fine, totally... then the next night my guy roomate / best friend of three years whom i've harbored a major crush on, who gives me back rubs, holds my hair back when i puke, is a shoulder to cry on, and sleeps next to me when i'm lonely, etc etc... well we were laying in bed and one thing lead to another (but we didn't have sex) and the whole thing was so wonderful.. or so I thought! first let me say that this guy is amazing, an absolute dream, and I never thought in a million years he'd be even slightly attracted to me. We treat each other like brother and sister and are very affectionate but in three years we've never attempted to be intimate. i don't know why all of a sudden out of the blue he starts kissing me, and i wanted to interrupt, say hey whats going on, but it was too intense and i wasn't about to spoil my one dream come true. anyway, he's a notoriously bad boyfriend, but for some reason i expected him to be different with me because we're so close and know one another so well. he knows that just hooking up isn't my thing... well the next morning he barely said two words to me and we've not talked about it at all and that was a week ago. there's this uncomfortable air about the house and the both of us were already stressed out and grumpy with school and work. and now things between us have gone from 30 to 60 back down to 0 in a flash. I don't know what to do. For some reason I can't talk to him. I want to be up front with him and tell him im in love with him, but i think that might complicate matters even more... i think he regrets it or maybe just wanted a fling... i wish to be with him and now that ive tasted what that would be like (itleast physcially) i want him even more and its driving me crazy. i can't sleep or eat. i either want things to go back to exactly how they were before, or i want a relationship. but i think what i'll end up getting is the boot. help help help. is it even worth talking to him, or should i be adult about this and just enjoy our one night fling for exactly what it was? coz it's not like he knew how i felt about him. am i blowing all this out of proportion - is it gonna send him away knowing how i feel about him? ok, phew... please help me, thanks!
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if you both feel and think that you love this guy, then maybe it's worth pursuing... you've been living with him long enough to know him pretty well, and you're probably already familiar with all of his strengths and weaknesses. Then again, it might just be your sex drive speaking. So I guess it's up to you, but you should definitely talk with him about it, and tell him that you want a relationship or that you want to forget about the incident and just be friends with no more touching.

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So why am I sitting up in bed at 2 am getting love advice, you ask? Well things have gotten worse, or better however you look at it. My roomate and I are now living together, sleeping together... the other night we ran down to the ocean and dared each other to jump in, and the next thing you know we're making love under the stars in our outdoor shower. It was all terribly romantic and definetly the best foreplay and sex I ever had. It's always so shocking to me after I make love to a man to realise that sex does not equal love. I tell my self this over and over but I guess I hope that maybe the guy is feeling the same thing. well my roomate definetly isn't. afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responisble about sleeping together and not create any drama... and I still have not told him how I really feel. And we made love, sorry, had sex - again last night, and now I am more lonely than I ever was before all this happened. We're not hanging out any more than usual, we're not more affectionate than usual, we're just ocassionally having sex. This isn't healthy at all is it? I'm going to get my heart broken aren't I? I don't ever want anything to come between us - he's way too important to me. I've "settled" for friendship all these years and now he's got me obsessing, feeling jealous and possesive and hot for him as hell now! I'm so frustrated, but I'm just so scared to talk to him. If you felt like you could potentially ruin the friendship of the best friend you ever had, would you try everything in your power to keep them? I've done that in relationships before and it's always backfired, so is this any different? I mean, it's only been a week, should I wait and see if anything happens? Should I try to woo him and win him over, or do you think that's impossible... I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts right now I don't know what to do. I appreciate the previous feedback and hope that you can give me some more, now that the issue has escalated... thanks all.... -ash

 

I agree with Tony on this one, Ash. You have to be on your own for a while to get you head together. As much of a hassle as it may be -- you have to move out. Is there anywhere you can go? Look, I know the two of you have gotten quite comfy, and maybe I'm totally out of touch when it comes to the boundaries between platonic friendships and casual lovers these days, but the fact that the two of you "cuddled” together in bed on occasions (sex or not) was already inviting disaster. When two people establish a "friendship" than the support you receive from each other should be emotional only and physical contact is usually limited to 'hugs' only. It's very dangerous when you cross the line and become each other's 'physical' surrogate. The boundaries can than become fuzzy between what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior – especially when one of you is feeling particularly vulnerable or needy. And once that line is crossed, it can be very difficult to go back to what you had before. Someone is always left feeling hurt and confused while the other feels foolish and regretful. Always remember that physical intimacy with women is almost always connected to emotional intimacy. We are wired to our hearts. While men, on the other hand, are biologically geared so that sex is often just a physical relief, and although they may be ‘fond’ of their partner, it is does not mean in any way that they are expressing deep-seeded feelings of love or desire. And right now, your friend is probably feeling as awkward about what happened as you are. Maybe, if after you’ve established some distance between the two of you he will have time to sort through what he is feeling. And you as well. Whatever is meant to be between the two of you can only evolve now with some time and space. I think if you remain in the situation you’re in, things will only get more complicated. No ‘rebounds’ Ash…it’s not healthy. Especially when there’s a friendship at steak. Good luck Ash, and I wish you the best. I really do...
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hey all, I posted a message on 2/23 regarding a kiss between my roomate /best friend of 3 years whom I secretly love but who doesn't in return.... thanks for the all the advice btw....

 

So why am I sitting up in bed at 2 am getting love advice, you ask? Well things have gotten worse, or better however you look at it. My roomate and I are now living together, sleeping together... the other night we ran down to the ocean and dared each other to jump in, and the next thing you know we're making love under the stars in our outdoor shower. It was all terribly romantic and definetly the best foreplay and sex I ever had. It's always so shocking to me after I make love to a man to realise that sex does not equal love. I tell my self this over and over but I guess I hope that maybe the guy is feeling the same thing. well my roomate definetly isn't. afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responisble about sleeping together and not create any drama... and I still have not told him how I really feel. And we made love, sorry, had sex - again last night, and now I am more lonely than I ever was before all this happened. We're not hanging out any more than usual, we're not more affectionate than usual, we're just ocassionally having sex. This isn't healthy at all is it? I'm going to get my heart broken aren't I? I don't ever want anything to come between us - he's way too important to me. I've "settled" for friendship all these years and now he's got me obsessing, feeling jealous and possesive and hot for him as hell now! I'm so frustrated, but I'm just so scared to talk to him. If you felt like you could potentially ruin the friendship of the best friend you ever had, would you try everything in your power to keep them? I've done that in relationships before and it's always backfired, so is this any different? I mean, it's only been a week, should I wait and see if anything happens? Should I try to woo him and win him over, or do you think that's impossible... I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts right now I don't know what to do. I appreciate the previous feedback and hope that you can give me some more, now that the issue has escalated... thanks all.... -ash

I agree with Tony on this one, Ash. You have to be on your own for a while to get you head together. As much of a hassle as it may be -- you have to move out. Is there anywhere you can go? Look, I know the two of you have gotten quite comfy, and maybe I'm totally out of touch when it comes to the boundaries between platonic friendships and casual lovers these days, but the fact that the two of you "cuddled” together in bed on occasions (sex or not) was already inviting disaster. When two people establish a "friendship" than the support you receive from each other should be emotional only and physical contact is usually limited to 'hugs' only. It's very dangerous when you cross the line and become each other's 'physical' surrogate. The boundaries can than become fuzzy between what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior – especially when one of you is feeling particularly vulnerable or needy. And once that line is crossed, it can be very difficult to go back to what you had before. Someone is always left feeling hurt and confused while the other feels foolish and regretful. Always remember that physical intimacy with women is almost always connected to emotional intimacy. We are wired to our hearts. While men, on the other hand, are biologically geared so that sex is often just a physical relief, and although they may be ‘fond’ of their partner, it is does not mean in any way that they are expressing deep-seeded feelings of love or desire. And right now, your friend is probably feeling as awkward about what happened as you are. Maybe, if after you’ve established some distance between the two of you he will have time to sort through what he is feeling. And you as well. Whatever is meant to be between the two of you can only evolve now with some time and space. I think if you remain in the situation you’re in, things will only get more complicated. No ‘rebounds’ Ash…it’s not healthy. Especially when there’s a friendship at steak.
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Hi Ash,

 

Well you say that you've never admitted your feelings (love) to him, but I sense by the statement below that he already knows to some degree:

 

"he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responisble about sleeping together and not create any drama..."

 

Now if that's not rude and insensitive and player-like, then I don't know what is. So basically he's telling you in a more socially acceptable way that he simply wants to bonk your brains out from time to time and that you shouldn't read more into it. You call that a friend? Hun, that's no real friend. Real friends don't sleep with each other, knowing full well that they have nothing more than platonic feelings for them (referring to him).

 

Where did he learn that close friends screw around? I'd say he's using you and that he knows how you feel..and he's taking advantage of your feelings in order to get him 'some'........where i come from, that's not what friendship is about.

 

Now the ball is in your court. If you think that continuing to let him use you sexually is going to somehow change his mind about you, think again. Hell, he's got the world by the tail. He has a great friend AND someone to get some action with, no strings attached..all in the comfort of his own home.

 

I advise you to stop sleeping with him, unless you're a sucker for punishment and don't mind feeling used and eventually even more empty and bitter and resentful.

 

If I were you, I'd move out. You've both crossed a line that you can't go back over. Having sex has changed every thing and you have an even stronger bond to him now....one that he's made clear he does not share.

 

Let me ask though...did he at least wait more than an hour after you two had sex to tell you that it "didn't change things"? What a dog.

 

L

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First of all, if you're screwing this guy you are NOT living platonically. Sex is not part of the job description of a platonic relationship.

 

YOU ASK:

 

1. "This isn't healthy at all is it?"

 

Not at all.

 

2. "I'm going to get my heart broken aren't I?"

 

Big time.

 

3. "If you felt like you could potentially ruin the friendship of the best friend you ever had, would you try everything in your power to keep them?"

 

No, not under these circumstances. He spells major trouble in your life. It is NOT being kind to yourself to hang around a man who will probably never feel any more about you than a buddy and now even takes advantage of your fondness for him by using you to get his rocks off. He doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, even now.

 

4. "I've done that in relationships before and it's always backfired, so is this any different?"

 

Yes, it's backfired for me to...a number of times. It never works. Take some time away from this guy so you can find real, reciprocal love in some other place. If you continue on this course, this friendship will be totally destroyed and you will resent him all the days of your life.

 

What about if you get pregnant? This guy's not going to marry you. More than likely he would head for the hills because this is NOT what he wants. Here you are thinking he's a friend and he's using that circumstance for his sexual pleasure. You have no idea what a friend is. Go ask somebody.

 

5. "I mean, it's only been a week, should I wait and see if anything happens?"

 

Oh, you can wait a hundred years. You'll get the same result. NOTHING is going to happen. By your actions, you are sending this friendship into a critical destruct. One of the two of you is going to bitterly resent all this eventually if you continue on its present course.

 

6. "Should I try to woo him and win him over, or do you think that's impossible..."

 

Nothing is impossible. Hell, I play the lotter every week...have done so since 1989...once in a while I get three out of six numbers at collect $4.50 to $6. I don't think this is going to happen for you. He can have no respect for you sleeping with him under these circumstances. You're a sex buddy to him. I don't want to hurt you by telling you what his thoughts of you will be once this is all over.

 

7. " I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts right now I don't know what to do."

 

It's not like you don't have control here. You are the captain of your starship. Mission control has given you complete information on your status. You now have to make a competent decision based on that information. Do you continue on your lethal course and crash or do you take corrective action and end this nutty deal.

 

Now, if you weren't in love with the guy, I'd say screw away and enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual delight. But you are getting more and more enmeshed in this emotionally and I promise you he is NOT. I know how men operate under these circumstances. You are a real find for him. It's not too late to save the friendship but as this progresses it will be more and more difficult...and later, impossible.

 

8. "I appreciate the previous feedback and hope that you can give me some more, now that the issue has escalated... thanks all.... -ash"

 

You are very welcome but I don't think you're going to appreciate what I have said above. But every word is from personal experience. I know what happens in these explosive situations. I've seen it first hand in others, it's happened to me, been there, got the T-Shirt, the certificate, and the scars to prove it.

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I posted above before reading laurynn's reply to you. Seems her thinking, from her woman's point of view, is pretty much the same as mine. I hope you listen and cut your losses.

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Ash,

 

Since your recent post is sitting on top of my last reply, I can assume you've already read it. I had been waiting to hear back from you, worried about how things would transpire. I just had a feeling that if you stayed, things would get more complicated for you :(

 

Gosh, I am truely sorry for you and what has happened. I can almost feel the hurt and confusion you must be going through right now. I just don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. This is one of those rare occasions when I am a total loss for words....

 

Perhaps someone else will be able to offer you better advice on where to go from here. But what you do with it, how you process it, it totally up to you.

 

Good luck Ash. I'll be looking forward to following your story, to see where it takes you. Perhaps this will afford me an oppurtunity to 'learn' something new...

 

hey all, I posted a message on 2/23 regarding a kiss between my roomate /best friend of 3 years whom I secretly love but who doesn't in return.... thanks for the all the advice btw.... So why am I sitting up in bed at 2 am getting love advice, you ask? Well things have gotten worse, or better however you look at it. My roomate and I are now living together, sleeping together... the other night we ran down to the ocean and dared each other to jump in, and the next thing you know we're making love under the stars in our outdoor shower. It was all terribly romantic and definetly the best foreplay and sex I ever had. It's always so shocking to me after I make love to a man to realise that sex does not equal love. I tell my self this over and over but I guess I hope that maybe the guy is feeling the same thing. well my roomate definetly isn't. afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responisble about sleeping together and not create any drama... and I still have not told him how I really feel. And we made love, sorry, had sex - again last night, and now I am more lonely than I ever was before all this happened. We're not hanging out any more than usual, we're not more affectionate than usual, we're just ocassionally having sex. This isn't healthy at all is it? I'm going to get my heart broken aren't I? I don't ever want anything to come between us - he's way too important to me. I've "settled" for friendship all these years and now he's got me obsessing, feeling jealous and possesive and hot for him as hell now! I'm so frustrated, but I'm just so scared to talk to him. If you felt like you could potentially ruin the friendship of the best friend you ever had, would you try everything in your power to keep them? I've done that in relationships before and it's always backfired, so is this any different? I mean, it's only been a week, should I wait and see if anything happens? Should I try to woo him and win him over, or do you think that's impossible... I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts right now I don't know what to do. I appreciate the previous feedback and hope that you can give me some more, now that the issue has escalated... thanks all.... -ash
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Dear Ash;

 

Having gone through and currently going through major heartbreak with two different guys, I can tell you some things I learned from experience....

 

1. You can have a perfectly "good" relationship with friendship and sex, and be in love with the other person without the other person reciprocating. I can tell you that I fell FLAT on my face, as the regulars, on this site will attest and it took a long long time for me to heal from it.

 

You are giving him what he want..... sex

 

You, however are NOT getting what you want;making LOVE

 

and more importantly: having your love reciprocated.

 

From experience I can tell you, if those feelings are NOT in him now, they are NOT going to be later. It just doesn't work that way. He will tell you later, that he didn't feel that clubbed over the head feeling, and that's really what he's looking for.

 

2. You are responsible for treating yourself well... You are responsible for being kind to yourself. Nobody else is capable and responsible for doing that.

 

Basically, he is using you for sex.... why wouldn't he? What man wouldn't want a adoring woman who I'm sure deep down he knows you love him(eyes are the windows to the soul you know), friendship(which I wouldn't want a friend like him), and free willing and great sex....

 

The sooner this is over, the less the pain will be.

 

The man with which my previous relationsip eneded about over a year ago, started dating, "mysteriously" a week after our relationship ended, and he's still with her. It seems he didnt' even have ANY feelings for me.

 

If you arent' strong enough to have this talk in person, then make arrangements to move out....

 

If you can't , then write him a letter explaining that you need to be "just friends" and nothing more... dont' tell him you love him. That will give him even MORE power. Just tell him, you can't be friends with "benefits". Leave for the weekend, and let him read the letter... then you can talk about it when you get back.

 

At this point you will have a minor broken heart, but I can see the writing on the wall, as can Laurynn, Been there and Tony.... We are all regulars on this site.... and we have nothing to gain or lose by this relationship of yours. We are just trying to help.

 

But if you wait longer, you will even lose more; you will be dis-honest with yourself, have disrespect for yourself and your values, after all what is life other than living by our values and principles? And your broken heart will leave you flat on your face and that recovery is a very painful one.

 

It took me some counseling and this site, love shack and reading books and my friends to get me through this.... my ex-boyfriend was the kind of person, who looked like your typical"nice guy" , professional, kind, outgoing, etc. At first my friends thought he would come around.

 

Now after over a year,,... we all realize he is but a D-O-G.

 

Some dogs are just better in disguise....

 

Good luck, and keep us posted..

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Dont look into it any further. Listen to what he says about his feelings. If he says "no strings attatched", or "no relationship" than thats the truth of it. Dont look further.

 

I do believe you can be friends. ONLY if you stop having sex!

 

I had sex with a long time friend. I put myself through a painful heartbrake. We both came to an agreement that we shouldnt continue the r/s. After he played off my love, he took my heart & ran!

 

We have a r/s now that involves work, and family. We do not have sex with each other anymore. I still find it hard to contain myself when Im around him but I know the consequences! Thats what you need to avoid! I suffered so long.

 

Even though I feel like Im starting to heal I can sob when I think about the r/s we had. It takes me on a psychedelic trip thats unbelievable and painful.

 

The next time you decide to have sex with him just remember that he doesnt think your love is that special! Its the truth of it! He will leave you in Paradise. Please dont do that to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

hey all, I posted a message on 2/23 regarding a kiss between my roomate /best friend of 3 years whom I secretly love but who doesn't in return.... thanks for the all the advice btw.... So why am I sitting up in bed at 2 am getting love advice, you ask? Well things have gotten worse, or better however you look at it. My roomate and I are now living together, sleeping together... the other night we ran down to the ocean and dared each other to jump in, and the next thing you know we're making love under the stars in our outdoor shower. It was all terribly romantic and definetly the best foreplay and sex I ever had. It's always so shocking to me after I make love to a man to realise that sex does not equal love. I tell my self this over and over but I guess I hope that maybe the guy is feeling the same thing. well my roomate definetly isn't. afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responisble about sleeping together and not create any drama... and I still have not told him how I really feel. And we made love, sorry, had sex - again last night, and now I am more lonely than I ever was before all this happened. We're not hanging out any more than usual, we're not more affectionate than usual, we're just ocassionally having sex. This isn't healthy at all is it? I'm going to get my heart broken aren't I? I don't ever want anything to come between us - he's way too important to me. I've "settled" for friendship all these years and now he's got me obsessing, feeling jealous and possesive and hot for him as hell now! I'm so frustrated, but I'm just so scared to talk to him. If you felt like you could potentially ruin the friendship of the best friend you ever had, would you try everything in your power to keep them? I've done that in relationships before and it's always backfired, so is this any different? I mean, it's only been a week, should I wait and see if anything happens? Should I try to woo him and win him over, or do you think that's impossible... I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts right now I don't know what to do. I appreciate the previous feedback and hope that you can give me some more, now that the issue has escalated... thanks all.... -ash
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Was just thinking back on Ash's post a little ways down the board, and I wanted to comment further on one of things she wrote:

 

"afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responsible about sleeping together and not create any drama..."

 

This type of thing happens a lot, I think.....and forgive me for making a possibly sweeping, gender-based generalization but I think it might be safe to assume that it's usually a MAN who's in the above situation, telling this to the woman, after he's had sex with her.

 

This really irks me.

 

Isn't it just a little "convenient" that the guy's feelings come up AFTER they've had sex?

 

Doesn't that seem awfully selfish and disrespectful to you as well?

 

The way I see it, the guy obviously knew from the start that if they had sex, that the act of having sex wouldn't change the dynamics of the relationship (err, friendship, casual friendship, what-have-you)......so isn't it sort of piggish to 'fess up AFTER he's gotten his rocks off? Why not display a little bit of integrity and make his feelings known BEFORE a game of spin the pickle has been played?....that way, everything is out on the table and nobody is in the dark, and THEN the woman can actually have ALL the information with which to base her decision on (decision to either go through with having sex, or to abstain).

 

Now in Ash's particular situation, the guy in question being a very good friend of hers, as well as her roommate..given the fact that they're not just some strangers who met in a club one night (they actually have a more substantial relationship, be it friendship/roomates, etc), I would think it makes this guy even more of a dog.....because out of respect for his friend (Ash), he should have set the scene/laid out the ground rules BEFORE they had sex.......so that she really knew what she was dealing with. So to me, this guy used her in a very BIG WAY.

 

Just some thoughts i had. Would be interested to know what YOU think!?!

 

L

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The guy IS more of a dog and a pig.

 

But in this case, a guy can't be a dog or a pig if there isn't a female in the scenario to contribute to that. It is almost always very obvious from previous behavior where a guy's heart is at. If a lady hasn't determined just how a guy truly feels, from his behavior, body language, and general demeanor, prior to sex...then whatever she gets is half her doing. Most people, however, want to see and hear ONLY what they want to see and hear.

 

This kind of thing will go on until evolution finds some other means of reproduction. But as long as it feels good for a male to have sex, he will beg, borrow and steal to get it. That's why a lot of people are alive today and sitting at their computers reading this post...because of some horny guy.

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You guys are very good at explaining why a certain guy is acting like a pig/dog. It's good, because when u'r attracted to someone, especially if u have been for a while, it's HARD to evaluate them objectively - ... i'm thankful to y'all who made me open my freaking eyes a couple times!

 

-yes, who is in love with life today :p

The guy IS more of a dog and a pig. But in this case, a guy can't be a dog or a pig if there isn't a female in the scenario to contribute to that. It is almost always very obvious from previous behavior where a guy's heart is at. If a lady hasn't determined just how a guy truly feels, from his behavior, body language, and general demeanor, prior to sex...then whatever she gets is half her doing. Most people, however, want to see and hear ONLY what they want to see and hear. This kind of thing will go on until evolution finds some other means of reproduction. But as long as it feels good for a male to have sex, he will beg, borrow and steal to get it. That's why a lot of people are alive today and sitting at their computers reading this post...because of some horny guy.
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I find it amazing that a guy would do that even if you have been his friend for ten years. And he wouldnt be where hes at in life if it wasnt for you. And decides to give his thanks and show his appreciation by beeing a warped,wacked out dog.

 

Its not only warped minded men out there. There are warped minded women too. The "Got a dick put it here" ones.

 

There are plenty good women/men out there. I think everyones broken a heart or two. Live and Learn.

 

 

 

You guys are very good at explaining why a certain guy is acting like a pig/dog. It's good, because when u'r attracted to someone, especially if u have been for a while, it's HARD to evaluate them objectively - ... i'm thankful to y'all who made me open my freaking eyes a couple times!

 

-yes, who is in love with life today :p

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Good Morning, Laurynn. Just got a peek at your post from last night. While I agree, some men aren't real good at making their objectives clear, but in the "roommate case" ...I think the young lady was just as much to blame. There are many women who consent to having sex with a guy in hopes that the relationship will evolve into something more serious. And they often do so (as in Ash's case) knowing full well that the guy is not ready to make any long-term commitments. Some women are under the delusion that 'sex seals the deal.' If you read all of her posts from the beginning I think you'll see, like the rest of us, where this whole thing was heading. We knew how the story was going to end long before it actually happened. And to some degree, Ash did too. But because of her own sexual desire, Ash chose to put herself in a state of temporary denial.

 

Yes, women have a libido too! And it is often too convenient to blame the guy when the morning-after 'regrets' set in...

 

And, to site another case, there are many women who are just as guilty of not communicating or making their objectives clear. As in Velvet's case& (Sorry, Velvet)&here was a guy who obviously was looking to take their friendship/relationship to the next level. Perhaps a little too quickly for Velvet, but HIS objectives were clear. While Velvet enjoyed his company and even encouraged his attention, she wasn't sure if she was sexually attracted to him or not. As is the wise course of action, she wanted to give it some more time to see if her feelings would change. But I don't think (at least from what I can gather from her posts) that she made this absolutely CLEAR to her male friend. She was concerned, whether she admits it or not, that if she 'did' he would stop coming around. As a matter of fact&she even hints at that in her previous posts. Some of us here saw how this one was going to end up as well.

 

Women are VERY much in control of their own bodies&if not their own libidos. And yes, in the throes of passion and lust, we too make some bad choices sometimes. But ultimately WE determine whether the relationship gets physical or not. And you can't open the floodgates and let a guy in than slap him down for excepting the invitation.

 

I know we are all living in a new age of sexual freedom and liberation, but somehow women are still subjugated to abide by the old archaic ideals of how we should think and behave&however 'self imposed'. We are ashamed to admit that we also feel 'lust'; --- that we enjoy sexual contact just as much as our male counterparts. That we are flattered when a man finds us sexually desirable. That women sometimes go to great lengths to dress and present themselves in a way that will invite that kind of attention. That sometimes we don't always discourage the advances of someone we find undesirable, simply because we enjoy being center stage. And that many of us evaluate our own self-worth according to how desirable we are to the opposite sex. But to admit this openly is just not 'lady like'. And a female who does not mask her natural inclinations to 'lure in potential partners' behind a façade of feigned innocence and naivete, who does not put up a little resistance when she finally snags her prey, is considered promiscuous and unchaste. A 'slut' by modern definition.

 

The truth is, we are all sexual creatures&both male and females. It is the purpose for which we were created. But while men have always been the pursuers, women have always been the bait. And we have played out our biological roles as dictated to us by nature since the beginning of time. It is the key to our survival&the continuation of our species. And somewhere down deep inside we all know EXACTLY what we are doing --- whether we care to admit it or not.

Was just thinking back on Ash's post a little ways down the board, and I wanted to comment further on one of things she wrote: "afterwards, he told me that he felt that nothings changed and that we would have to be responsible about sleeping together and not create any drama..." This type of thing happens a lot, I think.....and forgive me for making a possibly sweeping, gender-based generalization but I think it might be safe to assume that it's usually a MAN who's in the above situation, telling this to the woman, after he's had sex with her. This really irks me. Isn't it just a little "convenient" that the guy's feelings come up AFTER they've had sex? Doesn't that seem awfully selfish and disrespectful to you as well? The way I see it, the guy obviously knew from the start that if they had sex, that the act of having sex wouldn't change the dynamics of the relationship (err, friendship, casual friendship, what-have-you)......so isn't it sort of piggish to 'fess up AFTER he's gotten his rocks off? Why not display a little bit of integrity and make his feelings known BEFORE a game of spin the pickle has been played?....that way, everything is out on the table and nobody is in the dark, and THEN the woman can actually have ALL the information with which to base her decision on (decision to either go through with having sex, or to abstain).

 

Now in Ash's particular situation, the guy in question being a very good friend of hers, as well as her roommate..given the fact that they're not just some strangers who met in a club one night (they actually have a more substantial relationship, be it friendship/roomates, etc), I would think it makes this guy even more of a dog.....because out of respect for his friend (Ash), he should have set the scene/laid out the ground rules BEFORE they had sex.......so that she really knew what she was dealing with. So to me, this guy used her in a very BIG WAY. Just some thoughts i had. Would be interested to know what YOU think!?! L

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True, true...I totally get what you're saying. Maybe part of what I wrote was based on my own personal experience from long ago.

 

There was a guy I'd dated for nearly 3 yrs. We broke up (mostly cuz he met a young hunny while down in Montana on a company ski trip). He was my second serious boyfriend. Of course, I was devastated. Very devastated.

 

During the few months after our breakup, we lived in separate towns, an hour or so apart. He would call me up often and I'd be so happy to hear from him. He knew all the right things to say. This is someone I loved with all my heart. He'd invite me to his town, to his house....would tell me he missed me, that he wanted to make me a special dinner. Of course I didn't want to "blow it" by getting all serious and asking him his "thoughts on us".....so I'd jump in my car and drive there. He'd be sweet and attentive and we'd have a romantic dinner......he treated me then, better and more lovingly than when we were together. It was every indication that he wanted to get back together.

 

We'd end up having very passionate sex. After that, I'd joyfully assume we were 'back together'...but no, that was when I got the speech about "this doesn't change anything, we're not going to get back together." Needless to say, I was devastated and felt like a cheap whore. I was young at the time, only 23 or so......He'd do this often, call me up and want to spend time with me, so I'd jump in my car and drive. I loved him almost as much as life itself. We had quite a history together. I was naive about love and relationships, too...(which he knew, he was 5 yrs older and had dated much more)....he knew just which buttons to push to lead me to believe that he wanted to work things out. I wanted that so badly.

 

And again, he just wanted to get laid. And after sex, I'd bring it up......and then I'd get the "speech"....I was maybe a slow learner, but i finally did learn that he was using me.

 

ironically, a few months after this, I met someone else (who I ended up marrying)....this guy THEN came to his senses.....started sending me roses and plane tickets (he was working down in the U.S.)...and he wrote a 12 page letter and dropped it off at my parent's place.....I was engaged at the time. My Mom and sister read it .....he apparently went on and on about what a mistake he'd made....how I was his 'destiny' and how he wanted to marry me....12 pages of that stuff. My Mom never gave it to me because she knew I was happy with someone else and didn't think he deserved the chance.

 

Ironically again.....he ended up marrying a stripper (an ugly one) named Angel, he got her pregnant and the last time I caught up with him a few months ago, he was miserable in his marriage and life wasn't that good.

 

Well, maybe that's Karma? LOL

 

L

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I know Laurynn how disappointed and hurt you must have been when this relationship didn't go the way you expected.

 

Look...I'm not about to call all my fellow females on their sh*t without putting my own faults out there for everyone to judge. Which is why I often reveal too much personal stuff about myself. Like you, and countless other women, I have lacked good judgement and made some very regretful mistakes with some of the choices I made. But I am very introspective, and often look within myself FIRST to find the answers to 'how' I allowed myself to get into some of these disappointing situations. While the men in my life certainly deserved some of the responsibility, I was not without blame myself.

 

For starters; I think many of us women are keen to the lip-service we often get from men who are --- for the lack of a better term --- "trying to get into our pants." We've all heard the "I love yous"...and the "your special to me." But how many of us KNOW down deep inside, and even suspect, that we are being lied to or mislead&then give into temptation anyway? None of us are really fooled. We fool ourselves! Isn't it almost TOO convenient to accept the lye because it allows to safely remain in our states of denial? To act upon our own sexual desires; to take the risk of making a mistake without fear of accountability? Afterall, we can always say it was the guy's fault because he "lied to us and led us on." Because we can point to our interpretation of his behavior and say he "indicated" that there might have been a chance for something more, when actually we were acting upon our own hopeful "assumptions."

 

Case in point, your 'own' account of how we women often ignore what's right there in front of us:

 

"We'd end up having very passionate sex. After that, I'd joyfully assume we were 'back together'...but

 

no, that was when I got the speech about "this doesn't change anything, we're not going to get back together."

 

AND:

 

"He'd do this often, call me up and want to spend time with me, so I'd jump in my car and drive."

 

Yes, Laurynn. We women are guilty of fooling only ourselves.

 

And how many of us (myself included) have gone to bed with a man BEFORE there was any discussion of what our expectations were. Did we say to them first: "I expect that after this encounter that you and I will have an 'exclusive' relationship: That you will not be sleeping with other women while you are having sex with me: That I am going to bed with you because I am ready to make a commitment. That I am falling in love with you, and I expect you to feel the same. And that if you don't, I am not going to give this part of myself away to you." ??&Or is this just something we discuss later, after having sex with him on a regular basis? And if so, aren't we just as guilty of deception and entrapment as he is?

 

I really like the phrase that Tony used&"lying by concealment." While men may lye 'verbally' to meet their objectives, women are often just as guilty. Only ours is not always as evident. Let's face it, we all have a hidden personal agenda.

 

In short, what I am trying to say is that we are ALL "players" in the mating game, although our strategies may be different. And for us women, it is safer not to gamble with what we are not willing to loose&

True, true...I totally get what you're saying. Maybe part of what I wrote was based on my own personal experience from long ago. There was a guy I'd dated for nearly 3 yrs. We broke up (mostly cuz he met a young hunny while down in Montana on a company ski trip). He was my second serious boyfriend. Of course, I was devastated. Very devastated. During the few months after our breakup, we lived in separate towns, an hour or so apart. He would call me up often and I'd be so happy to hear from him. He knew all the right things to say. This is someone I loved with all my heart. He'd invite me to his town, to his house....would tell me he missed me, that he wanted to make me a special dinner. Of course I didn't want to "blow it" by getting all serious and asking him his "thoughts on us".....so I'd jump in my car and drive there. He'd be sweet and attentive and we'd have a romantic dinner......he treated me then, better and more lovingly than when we were together. It was every indication that he wanted to get back together.

 

I know Laurynn how disappointed and hurt you must have been when this relationship didn't go the way you expected.

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Yep, yep..so true!

 

But something you wrote:

 

"In short, what I am trying to say is that we are ALL "players" in the mating game, although our strategies may be different. And for us women, it is safer not to gamble with what we are not willing to lose..."

 

Sure, we are all players but those of us (women AND men) who end up getting hurt, we're only hurting ourselves ....at least we're not hurting someone else in the process (not saying that being hurt yourself is an acceptable thing). I think there's a difference between a "player in the mating game" who takes advantage of someone's feelings for them and uses them (or lies by omission/isn't up front with what his intentions and expectations are)....and someone who takes part in the game, to such a degree that they will definitely not hurt the other person (or anyone else). At least they're not conducting themselves in such a way that someone else is going to get hurt. I think that's the difference.

 

I did learn my lesson from this guy I spoke of.....I remember in my marriage, once we were separated (I left him, after charging him w/ assault), he'd often 'come around' (my ex hubby)......all friendly and sweet.....feeding me lines of BS and it was so obvious that all he wanted was to get laid. I knew in my heart that if i gave in and had sex with him, he'd simply be using me..and that'd I have nobody to blame but myself........so I refused to sleep with him that whole year we were separated (then I divorced him)...even despite his heartwrenching protestations that I was 'his wife' and that basically I owed him sex. Yeah, uh huh. Right. As much as a little part of me wondered if I DID give in to him and show him what a tiger I was in bed, would that be enough to make him change and want to be back with me, I STILL knew that he was a lying, manipulative, selfish dog and that after all he'd done to me, I would not let him use me any more. Even the very last night I saw him..before I moved across the country (we were on speaking terms then, of course, he was all sad that I was truly leaving him for good)....he wanted us to have sex. I felt pressured.....did I want to leave him with a taste of what he'd be missing, or did I want to leave him knowing that he got one final chance to use me? I refused to sleep with him and to this day I'm still proud of that.

 

L

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