ex b/f , new g/f

[kimmi]

hi all, Happy new year

 

well I am back and going to ask another question.

 

I called the ex to invite him over for a new years cheer as there were alot of us getting together, his new g/f got the message before he did and called me. I guess that he had talked about me to her. anyways she freaked out that i called him. I explained that we were all getting together and i found nothing wrong with me calling him as it has been 1.5 years since we were together. she proceeded to say that he wishes me not to call him and that he wants nothing to do with me. that i was to get the picture and drift. I asked her if he was there for i could speak to him and he could be man enough to tell me himself, she said that he was not there, i said get him to call me so that he can talk to me. he never did call.I told her that i knew that he had a g/f and was not trying to interfeer with what they had. they have only been together for 3 weeks.

 

I called his house today and asked him if he knew anything about it, he said that he never got my message and that he never knew that she called me. he told me that it would be best for me not to call there but when we see eachother we could catch up then, he drives a city bus.

 

i do not know if i should believe him and further more i do not know why i would want to speak to someone who does not have enough in him to stand up to her and tell her that we are friends i have helped him alot with himself and his problems. i do not really know how to deal with it when i see him, he drives the bus that i take all the time.right now i do not want to talk to him, but when i see him he will want to talk to me. what do i say at that time to him if i still have nothing to say?

 

i do not want to be rude to him but it hurts that my friendship means nothing to him... or at least that is how it feels now.

 

thank you

 

kimmi

[Tony T]

Your friendship may mean a great deal to him but when a man is in the beginning stages of a dating relationship, he can't just introduce an ex girlfriend into the scenario right off. That takes time if it ever happens at all.

 

Ex's are a very sensitive part of every relationship and there aren't a lot of people, male or female, who feel comfortable with their partner having much to do with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. It just doesn't present a comfortable basis for the creation of romance in the beginning.

 

When you see your ex on the bus, talk to him normally but understand his situation. He is trying to respect the feelings of his new lady and trying to accomodate you at the same time by talking to you away from her.

 

Very often, this rejection of association or friendship due to a new relationship is painful for the one being ignored. But it's a necessary social phenomenon given human nature and you can either deal with it or just drop off the planet.

 

If you can't show some depth of understanding in this particular situation, your ex will remember exactly why you are his ex, be glad of that and he will know exactly why he may not want your friendship.

 

In the greatest number of cases, ex's who were deeply involved romantically do not remain friends because it is too painful...and they have moved very far down the road by the time the pain has subsided sufficiently that a friendship might be possible.

[midori]

Hi Kimmi,

 

I can definitely see where you're coming from. The new girl was completely out of line; your ex should be able to associate with whomever he pleases without interference from her. One would hope that he bears this incident in mind and makes it clear to her that her aggressive & deceitful manipulation of his friendships won't be tolerated. But that's between him and her. As his friend, recognize that he needs some space to establish a foundation with his new girlfriend. As you say, he's already been talking about you to her (which would alert any woman to the fact that you're still significant to him). She just might need time to feel secure in his affections before she can relax where you're concerned. Let's face it ex-girlfriends, no matter how benign & friendly, aren't the people you want to be dealing with right away in a new relationship. If his friendship is important to you, don't make a fuss about this. To do so now would a) raise her suspicions and hostility toward you all the more and b) force him to choose between her and you. Do you want him to have to do that? He's probably very annoyed and embarrassed by her little stunt but he also likes her. I'd advise you to be a friend, back off for the time being and then check in with him in a month or two. If he's still anxious about how she'd react, then you'd be justified in pointing out that his relationship is affecting his friendships with other people. If that doesn't move him, then you'll know that your friendship with him isn't mutual.

 

A final thought: are you sure that your feelings for your ex are purely platonic? If you're not sure about that then the new gf's suspicions are actually valid. Just be honest with yourself and summon all of your integrity so that you're not doing things that are not in your ex's best interests.

[kimmi]

thank you,

 

yes all i want from this man isa friendship, I myself could never trust him again in a intimate relationship, In the end it really hurt me and i had to do alot to get to this point. this would more then likely be the reason that i feel hurt and i feel that all the (stuff) that i had to get over to continue in a friendship was for nothing. this is a frist for me, all of my ex's were all friends, we call eachother and have fun together, i am 31 so it is not likei am a child with no experience in relationship. i guess that some people feel that it is ok to have a intimate relationship and when it ends everything ends. that is what stuned me, i do not live like that.

 

thank you for replying to me.

 

kimmi