Leaving an emotional affair w/friend...reassure me. :/

[anya85]

I need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. For the past 7 months, I've been involved in an emotional affair with someone. I'm the single one, he has a long time girlfriend. I've known the guy for years and years before all this started though. To make a long story short, we grew very close talking online. He became like my best friend, we exchanged intimate details about ourselves and our lives to each other and gradually grew very attached. We talk daily, often twice daily for several hours and see each other in person at least once a week. Nothing physical happens, minor stuff like backrubs or foot rubs and some playful touching, but that's it. No kissing or anything further. He'd admitted very real feelings for me, that he'd like to be with me. He attempted to break up with her several months ago, but relented after she threw a fit and said she couldn't live without him. He told me that he'd meant what he'd said, but that he was unable to break her heart. We continued though. I guess at the time, I was more accepting, but as time has passed I've grown rather frustrated and resentful about the whole thing. He knows I want more than this. He keeps saying he needs more time to think.

 

So a few weeks ago, I met someone through myspace. This guy seems great and he is really into me. I've seen him 3 times and he's been great, a complete gentleman. My friend knows about this and has tried to discourage me, joking that this guy is desperate and has no idea how to act around women, making fun of his appearance or implying that he's crazy or a stalker. I, however, have had about enough of waiting for my friend. I want more than anything to be with him, but it's just not happening.

 

So I sent my friend a message today. It said that I was going to give this guy a chance and see what happens. I mentioned that it had become apparent to me that things obviously weren't so bad between him and his girlfriend or he'd have left her by now. I told him that I wanted him to be happy, that I realized that he has someone else and that I felt foolish for allowing myself to become so attached to him knowing this. That I didn't know what it was exactly I'd been hoping for and that I felt very naive. I told him was going to try to move on and that I hoped this worked out for me, but that I still valued his friendship and hoped to talk to him later.

 

I thought this was appropriate. It wasn't confrontational, a bow-out if you will. He responds with a very short message: "Happiness is irrelevant. I don't know how it's achieved or what it feels like. But, yeah. That would probably be the best move on on your part. I'm not worth wasting any more time on." -- which sounds to me like him feeling sorry for himself and wallowing in self-pity. This actually really annoyed me. I had hoped he would just wish me well, but that response really tempted me to write back a message explaining exactly how it'd felt to sit at home, alone all those months hoping he'd contact me but knowing he was probably off with his girlfriend. How I'd waited for him for all these months and that I'd have hoped he could at least try to be happy for me instead of thinking of himself. I didn't though. I resisted. I didn't write back at all.

 

What do you guys think? I'm doing the right thing, correct? I do care about him so much, but I just feel like he'll keep me waiting forever if I don't move on. I'm very torn. :/

[GPFan]

I thought this was appropriate. It wasn't confrontational, a bow-out if you will. He responds with a very short message: "Happiness is irrelevant. I don't know how it's achieved or what it feels like. But, yeah. That would probably be the best move on on your part. I'm not worth wasting any more time on." -- which sounds to me like him feeling sorry for himself and wallowing in self-pity. This actually really annoyed me. I had hoped he would just wish me well, but that response really tempted me to write back a message explaining exactly how it'd felt to sit at home, alone all those months hoping he'd contact me but knowing he was probably off with his girlfriend. How I'd waited for him for all these months and that I'd have hoped he could at least try to be happy for me instead of thinking of himself. I didn't though. I resisted. I didn't write back at all.

 

What do you guys think? I'm doing the right thing, correct? I do care about him so much, but I just feel like he'll keep me waiting forever if I don't move on. I'm very torn. :/

It does sound like he isn't happy to see you move on. He will not empathise with you if he hasn't by now so no need to write him back. Goodonyou for not writing back.

 

As long as you feel good about what you are doing, then it is the right action for you.

 

Take care and I wish you luck.

[Gala]

If he's with a needy girl, he really doesn't like being alone...and it's likely that he wants you around as a backup, just in case. For those types, one source of affection/attention isn't usually enough even when the secondary relationships aren't sexual. He is not likely to support your being into someone else. Best to move on.

 

Good luck!