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Advice to lesbian from straight women.


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Velvetvenus

Hi, not sure if this is a particularly gay friendly site but I'll soon find out. Just wondered if straight women could help with deciding if this woman is attracted to me or not.

I have a lot of public rows with my partner and this woman takes me aside and invites me to come and stay at hers any time. She touches me a lot ,not sure whether more than others.Gives me a lot of attention when I do visit although I 'm shy of keep going round there and being a pain.

She seems to enjoy goodbye hugs where I do overstep the boundaries a bit by holding her very tightly and she presses herself against me, seems quite happy to remain in the embrace. At times I brush her breast lightly and she does not object or move away; if she did I would stop immediately,she is a very outspoken person so I'm sure she would soon tell me. I am so crazy for this woman, if she is interested I would of course finish my relationship first. I just wanted the straight womans perspective as to whether I am reading too much into this, would you do all the above with a lesbian who you suspected liked you if you weren't interseted in her sexually?

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LucreziaBorgia

Honestly, it may not have even occurred to her that you are hitting on her. Then again, she might and she could turn out to be one of those 'straight curious' types who want to test the waters. Or... perhaps she really might be interested.

 

I wouldn't rely on signals - they can be so confusing. I would suggest going to her house, letting her know verbally in no uncertain terms that you are attracted to her and that you want more, and that you are at a point in your relationship where you will be willing to walk away if she wants to be with you.

 

I would play it careful though. Would you be willing to leave your relationship if it turned out that this woman was 'straight curious' and didn't see you as much more than a living sex toy? I had that problem from time to time when I was dating women. Sometimes they were genuinely interested in dating, and other times it would become clear that while they would experiment sexually there was no chance of it ever being more than that.

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blind_otter

As LB said, the signs are so vague...she might be, she might not be. Some people (like me, ha ha ha) are completely clueless when others are hitting on them in subtle ways.

 

The whole breast thing - well I've been in that situation with men and women, and I don't pull away, shocked and offended, and cover up my boob! I usually just let it slide. I don't want to call attention to it in case the person who brushed up against my chest might get embarassed.

 

And also, the long hung - well that could just be friendly, or it could be more. It really does depend on the person. I am very huggy with my friends and even my SO's friends.

 

I agree with LB, just come out and talk to her about it.

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HokeyReligions

I agree with LB. I have a question though. If she is not interested does that mean you will stay with your current partner? It sounds like that is a pretty rocky relationship if you are willing to leave for someone else. If so, are you in a place in your life where you would be ready for a new relationship, or would she be the rebound? Also , if her actions are an invitation - she knows you are with someone - is she OK with being an other-woman? If so, is that the kind of person you want to be with? Or would this just be a fling on both your parts? I guess I see this as more than just a straight-gay sexual issue, but one of emotion and relationships.

 

OK, so it was more than one question.

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Velvetvenus

Thanks so much for your replies; I guess I have to speak to the object of my desire,not rely on reading signs to match my wants.I asked my partner what she thought of vague rumours the other woman is gay, my partner suspects she is and I think gets upset in her presence due to sensing my feelings. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, she is 19 years older and we both agree that with every new row and hurt words, our relationship is eroded a little more.I have worked really hard to preserve the friendship and intimacy in my relationship, my partner was happy to let it die; however she just doesn't turn me on any more, I really try to focus on her but every time find myself fantasising about this woman and then........

My partner would not be able to cope with an honest discussion of my feelings but I do still care about her.If I'm honest, I think this other woman senses my feelings and enjoys the feeling of power, I work for her in a voluntary capacity so my infatuation is quite useful in getting me to do anything for her.I just want to express my feelings for her and then see where we go from there, I feel I've denied my own passionate needs out of respect for my partner for long enough and don't care about what's right or wrong any more but don't want to hurt my partner. I would consider an affair that doesn't rock the boat then see if there could be anything deeper, although I agree it's not the most noble way to behave.Now I just need the guts to speak to the other woman and see if she does want me; if she does want a sexual plaything I suppose I'll get what I deserve and have to deal with it!!!

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whichwayisup

If your relationship with your partner is going to end, let it be because it isn't working out, that the passion is gone and you two have grown apart, rather than you having feelings for someone else.

 

Have you and your partner gone to couples counselling? It's better to have that honest conversation with her, let her know that you ARE unhappy, that you don't feel as strongly as once before, and allow her to decide if she wants out or if she wants to work on the relationship with you. To avoid a conversation and avoid the pain and just go on as things are now will ruin you and your relationship. Don't go looking outside of your relationship to fix things, in hopes that some lustful sex wtih another woman will make it better. To cheat on your partner of 20 years is just cruel and selfish when you have other options...Fix it or end it.

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Velvetvenus

I disagree that it is cruel and selfish to "cheat" on a partner, that's just plain judgemental. If one partner needs to look elsewhere then the cheated party must take some responsibility, either of neglect, unkindness etc.This applies to gay and straight relationships.If my partner wanted someone else, I would not attempt to stop her fulfilling her needs, but then I don't think I own her or anyone else, and I'd look at where I was lacking.

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I disagree that it is cruel and selfish to "cheat" on a partner, that's just plain judgemental. If one partner needs to look elsewhere then the cheated party must take some responsibility, either of neglect, unkindness etc.This applies to gay and straight relationships.

I define "cheating" as going outside the boundaries of a relationship that would not be agreed to by your partner; in other words, deceiving your partner for the purpose of engaging in an outside relationship. I see that deception as cruel, selfish, and fundamentally dishonest, irrespective of the possibility that the partner has some complicity in the state of your current relationship. The state of your current relationship and any stepping outside its boundaries are two different things; disease in the current relationship does not excuse the deception of stepping outside it.

 

Now, on the other hand, if you're talking about engaging in an "open" relationship that your partner is aware of and agrees to, then regardless of my feelings about how healthy or sustainable that is, I don't categorize it as cheating, or particularly cruel.

 

If my partner wanted someone else, I would not attempt to stop her fulfilling her needs, but then I don't think I own her or anyone else, and I'd look at where I was lacking.

I agree with what WWIU was saying, and I'll make the finer point that I think you should separate the state of your current relationship from your desire for an outside party. Whether you move to repair, or dismantle, your current relationship should be based on the relationship itself and its own merits or weaknesses, and should not be based on an attraction to others. You should decide that issue - on its own - before acting on, or even being influenced by, any outside attraction.

 

If you believe that the state of your current relationship entitles, encourages, or induces you to look elsewhere, then end the current relationship, and you are completely free to move on with honor.

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Velvetvenus

Yep, have finished my current relationship , told her about my feelings for the other woman and am now on my own, hopefully myself and my ex will find someone eventually that makes each of us happy as we were in the beginning.

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