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Harry vs Sally


Mustang Sally

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Mustang Sally

Ok.

So I have this middle-aged friend (separated, getting a divorce, 3 teenage sons) at work who has been "friends" with this guy for over a year. She goes out to eat with this guy once a week and they "talk." She is convinced he thinks of her as nothing but a sister...but I say he has to have some sort of "feeling" for her to have invested this amount of time with her....

 

What do you think?

 

Can men and women really JUST be friends?

 

Cause, I don't really think so.....

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Ok.

So I have this middle-aged friend (separated, getting a divorce, 3 teenage sons) at work who has been "friends" with this guy for over a year. She goes out to eat with this guy once a week and they "talk." She is convinced he thinks of her as nothing but a sister...but I say he has to have some sort of "feeling" for her to have invested this amount of time with her....

 

What do you think?

 

Can men and women really JUST be friends?

 

Cause, I don't really think so.....

 

I used to think men and women could be friends. When I was in college MOST of my friends were guys. Over time I came to find out that none of those suckers were really friends. They were each and every one of them waiting for me to become available to pounce on me. Each one eventually did and each one became a friend of the past.

 

Now I only have female friends. The males I do associate with are friends of my SO, and mere acquaintences of mine.

 

I dunno. Maybe some people can have friends of the opposite sex but I can't. And neither can my SO. When I met him he had male friends, almost exclusively, and he still does to this day. He claims that I am the only woman he's interested in talking to.

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It's possible to be friends with the opposite gender, as long as both of you have the right mindset.

 

For example, I have close male friends and male friends. My close male friends are primarily married to close female friends. We all hung out in school together, so there's a lot of history. I view them as brothers and sometimes, if they do the grown up thing, I look to them for fatherly advice.

 

My other male friends intentions are suspect, in that they might or might not want more. As long as I'm clear with my intentions, what they choose to do with their lives/actions, are up to them. They're grown-ups too...

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I have male friends. I think it is possible but I do have to say my male friends are more casual as opposed to my female friends.

 

But my gay male friends I am very close to.

 

I don't know if it has to do with thier sex or thier personalities.

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ElvenPriestess
I have male friends. I think it is possible but I do have to say my male friends are more casual as opposed to my female friends.

 

But my gay male friends I am very close to.

 

I don't know if it has to do with thier sex or thier personalities.

 

Probably a little of both.

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I think most male/female friendships have an element of sexual tension that is, hopefully, successfully repressed.

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One thing I should mention, is that I have a number of what's societally deemed as "male" hobbies. Maybe this helps when being friends with the opposite gender, that you can share more interests in a non-sexual manner?

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One thing I should mention, is that I have a number of what's societally deemed as "male" hobbies. Maybe this helps when being friends with the opposite gender, that you can share more interests in a non-sexual manner?

 

I think this is a good point. I have decidedly feminine hobbies and interests. The most masculine thing I've tried is frisbee golf, which is less than stimulating to me. So when I'm around men I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

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I think this is a good point. I have decidedly feminine hobbies and interests. The most masculine thing I've tried is frisbee golf, which is less than stimulating to me. So when I'm around men I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

What I've found useful, in the workplace, is to try to change their perception from me being predominantly female, to being a business person. It's a conscious effort until we come to a comfortable understanding.

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Mustang Sally
I think most male/female friendships have an element of sexual tension that is, hopefully, successfully repressed.

Thank you, again, Story.

 

This is what I'm talking about.

 

You may not be consciously scheming to have sex with the other person, but you at the very least probably find them attractive.

 

Or at least one of you does.

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

This gal insists that this guy-friend of hers has NO thoughts about her, because she, herself, doesn't feel sexy, so how could anyone else find her that way?

 

I maintain that men, especially, are not likely to be friends with women they don't find attractive (at least a little bit?).

 

I don't know.

Prove me wrong.

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I have a multitude of female friends. Is it dangerous? Well, it can be, but I have had several successful female friendships that have not caused a problem. On the other hand, some have.

 

I find it very depressing to think that I am unable or unallowed to form friendships with 1/2 of the world's population without them either falling in love with me, I with them, or absolutely having to have sex with them. Therefore, I must believe that men and women can, in fact, be friends.

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What do you think?

 

Can men and women really JUST be friends?

 

Cause, I don't really think so.....

 

Ok, since I have noticed all of about zero guys on this thread. I'll go ahead and throw down the truth.

 

By and large, platonic friends dont exist!

 

I've had female friends that I would have classified as "platonic" because they had something generally repulsive about them. Ugly, Obnoxious, Skanky... ect. But even then... given the right circumstances I would have happily persued them were I not busy elsewhere!

 

So, unless your friend is freakishly ugly, and I doubt it since they hand out together.... Yes, he is interested on some level, and she is stupid not to realize it!

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Here's some of the attitudes that stop male/female platonic friendships:

 

Men: What could I possibly find in common with women? What can a friendship with a woman provide, that I can't get from my guy friends?

 

Women: I wonder if I can "get" him since so and so seems to have him. He's kinda' cute.

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Mustang Sally
Ok, since I have noticed all of about zero guys on this thread. I'll go ahead and throw down the truth.

 

By and large, platonic friends dont exist!

 

I've had female friends that I would have classified as "platonic" because they had something generally repulsive about them. Ugly, Obnoxious, Skanky... ect. But even then... given the right circumstances I would have happily persued them were I not busy elsewhere!

 

So, unless your friend is freakishly ugly, and I doubt it since they hand out together.... Yes, he is interested on some level, and she is stupid not to realize it!

Thank you, Cobra.

This is (of course) what I am thinking.

Not that he's planning to bone her in the parking lot, or anything....

 

But why would he invest time being friends with someone he feels is, say butt-ugly? Geez. There are other women he could be friends with.

 

THAT is my point.

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Mustang Sally
I have a multitude of female friends. Is it dangerous? Well, it can be, but I have had several successful female friendships that have not caused a problem. On the other hand, some have.

 

I find it very depressing to think that I am unable or unallowed to form friendships with 1/2 of the world's population without them either falling in love with me, I with them, or absolutely having to have sex with them. Therefore, I must believe that men and women can, in fact, be friends.

You mean to tell me that if you were friends, say, with someone you work with, that you could talk with this woman on a daily basis, maybe spend time outside of work with her, on occasion, and NOT be thinking about how HOT you think she is?

Please.

I bet I know better.

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You mean to tell me that if you were friends, say, with someone you work with, that you could talk with this woman on a daily basis, maybe spend time outside of work with her, on occasion, and NOT be thinking about how HOT you think she is?

Please.

I bet I know better.

 

You do know better Mustang because you are so right on here! Men and woman just friend's NOPE and that's the Truth! My mm mess just remind's me of that!

 

AP:)

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I maintain that men, especially, are not likely to be friends with women they don't find attractive (at least a little bit?).

 

That seems backwards. It's easier to be friends with a girl to whom you're not attracted. I used to have a female friend who I wasn't at all attracted to.

 

I also have a female friend who I've known, and stayed in touch with, for over 10 years now. I do find her attractive but she's my best friend's high school gf.

 

 

Men: What could I possibly find in common with women? What can a friendship with a woman provide, that I can't get from my guy friends?

 

A trusted female perspective, for starters.

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Ok, since I have noticed all of about zero guys on this thread. I'll go ahead and throw down the truth.

 

By and large, platonic friends dont exist!

 

I've had female friends that I would have classified as "platonic" because they had something generally repulsive about them. Ugly, Obnoxious, Skanky... ect. But even then... given the right circumstances I would have happily persued them were I not busy elsewhere!

 

So, unless your friend is freakishly ugly, and I doubt it since they hand out together.... Yes, he is interested on some level, and she is stupid not to realize it!

 

I'm a straight, single/divorced guy and I'll take the opposing viewpoint, with several potential caveats.

 

I have multiple female friends who I would never pursue romantically or try to have sex with them because I'm not interested in them in that way. They're permanently "friendzoned" if you will, for various reasons. Some are married, some are much older, some I'm not physically attracted to at all, others just have various dealbreakers. But I still like them enough to call them friends.

 

I guess I sort of have two lists in my mind: "potential girlfriends/wives" and "friends/acquaintances", and every new female I meet starts out in the first category. Almost all end up in the second category in a matter of a few seconds to a few days. But personally once a woman is in the second category, it would take a pretty extraordinary turn of events for her to move back into the first category.

 

So I guess this guy could be interested in her as a friend. It seems a bit cynical or suspicious to say he's interested romantically because he's "invested" a lot of time. Personally, if I were interested romantically in a woman I wouldn't be able to stand going for a year without making a move of some kind, and I'm probably a less aggressive male than almost all of us.

 

Caveats: I'm a recovering "nice guy" and I also grew up in a household of girls (two sisters and Mom; Dad was gone a lot for work), and I think that colors my perspective/attitude towards women.

 

ae

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Mustang Sally

Ok.

Tan, Alterego.

I can see your point(s).

 

I certainly have/have had men friends who were "permanently in the friend zone" as AE nicely stated it.

 

Hmmmm.

<pondering this>

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A trusted female perspective, for starters.

I agree, which is what I see in close male friends. Not everyone respects the opposite gender.

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Mustang Sally

Ok.

I have this guy friend that I work with (loosely - he's in a distant department from mine) that I talk to to get the male perspective.

 

For example, I asked him the very question of this thread, earlier this morning. But I also think he's kinda cute, and so, I guess, value his opinion on topics such as this a bit more. Not that I would want any sort of relationship with him (even if I weren't married), but I'm saying that I prefer to have contact with people that I find appealing to me in certain (many?) ways. That's all. All of my men friends have been reasonably appealing to me - not necessarily knock-down, drag-out gorgeous, but appealing enough. In physical ways as well as intellectual, emotional, etc...

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Ok.

I have this guy friend that I work with (loosely - he's in a distant department from mine) that I talk to to get the male perspective.

 

For example, I asked him the very question of this thread, earlier this morning. But I also think he's kinda cute, and so, I guess, value his opinion on topics such as this a bit more. Not that I would want any sort of relationship with him (even if I weren't married), but I'm saying that I prefer to have contact with people that I find appealing to me in certain (many?) ways. That's all. All of my men friends have been reasonably appealing to me - not necessarily knock-down, drag-out gorgeous, but appealing enough. In physical ways as well as intellectual, emotional, etc...

Right, well someone can be appealing to you but yet have one or two things about him that would preclude dating him.

 

Like, I had a friend who I found attractive, but he had a lisp, a sort of speech impediment. That was just enough to hold me back, given some other issues. But I thought he was a great guy.

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