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Should I or Should I not


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matwithonet

Alright first Im going to start with a little back story (hopefully wont be too long).

 

I've had a huge crush on my best friend ever since I met her about 7 years ago. I never had the courage to say anything and another woman walked into my life and I was with her for almost 6 years untill about 2 months ago. Well ever since then my best friend has been calling me everyday or talking to me on AIM and she even took a week off for my birthday (which means alot to me because my ex never requested days off for me). She basically shows me the respect that Ive always shown every girl i know and it means so much to me. Well as of lately Ive found myself falling for her. Now this is kind of a problem.

 

She has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I was up at her school and we had this long talk till like 9 in the morning and in this conversation she said to me that she sometimes thinks the only reason she stays with her current boyfriend is because he can get her out of this state (she wants to move down south really badly). Then directly after stating that she says, "Mat do you plan on living her the rest of your life?".

 

Another thing is, the week she spent back at home she slept in my bed every night( I didnt lay a hand on her because I just dont do that crap when someone is in a relationship). Those 8 nights I slept like a baby for the first time in 2 and a half months since me and my ex broke up. The only time she wasn't withme for that week was to go home and take a shower.

 

Now comes the hard part. Do I say something to her or not? Because if I wait too long she might move 1600 miles away and then I will lose my chance forever but at the same time I do not want to hurt my relationship with her. She is simply amazing and I want her to be happy, and I don't think she is right now with this guy. Its a really hard decision and any advice would be greatly apprieciated.

 

Oh and one more thing. She wants me to come up to her school all next week and it's wierd because that will be the last week her bf is gone on his trip.

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If you tell her it is very likely the friendship will end. It sucks but a friendship of 7 years is to important to take a chance on.

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matwithonet

But don't you think the chance would be worth it if me and this girl could really be something?

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But don't you think the chance would be worth it if me and this girl could really be something?

 

To you, maybe but she will view your interest differently because unless she feels as you do it will mess up your friendship. You can take the gamble and ask her but you have to accept the consequences. Is her involvement in your life something you are willing to do without? Inly you can make that decision.

 

The reason I say this is because if a women hasn't let you know she wants more than friends after 7 years then the odds that she is going to see you as more than friends is very remote. Guys feelings can change when you get to know the person but if a women doesn't feel lust/attraction for you from the beginning it just isn't something that usually builds, in them.

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matwithonet

Well couldn't a reason that she has never expressed this, be because I was with someone almost the whole time, and maybe the fact she is with somoene now and is scared that the feeling isnt mutual?

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If you really need to find out then you're going to have to ask her. If you've been friends so long the friendship shouldn't end all together but it will change and you won't be as close. She also might resent your telling her because she has a bf and with your news she might see that as pressure in choosing between you 2. By what you have written I don't see any signs that she feels more for you than friendship but if you really need to know then tell her.

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KindBlindConflicted

Mat...

 

I disagree that the friendship will change if you approach things carefully.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head about you were with someone and then she was with someone and neither of you were willing to wreck things for the other.

 

Well, I think she wants to hire you to be her wrecking ball!!! I think her asking you about your future living plans was all you needed to hear...I mean other than the fact that she contacts you EVERY DAY, made a point to spend time on YOUR birthday, slept with YOU her entire visit. I think she gave you sign after sign that she was looking for you to express something to her. Yes, she has a BF, but it is only a few month relationship, not like she is engaged or married to the guy. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually wanted you to lay a hand on her--although you played the gentleman card, which was the right thing to do.

 

Now my only qualm is if she wants to dump the BF and wants you be her soft landing. In other words, she doesn't want the BF and may not necessarily want more than friendship with you, but she doesn't want to be alone. The whole not wanting to live "here" forever thing could be a sign of neediness, clinginess, and fear of not having a "guy." Only time will tell on that. You certainly know her well enough to judge that aspect of her personality, if not now, over time.

 

If you are going to see her soon--isn't this the week for you to visit her sans the BF?--take her someplace special like a nice quiet restaurant or better yet, prepare a picnic by a lake or in the park (you get the picture, memorable and special but not over the top romantic) very early in your visit. Then tell her how it is, almost like you did in your first post. Tell her you were conflicted about broaching this but you would always wonder if you didn't. Tell her how much you value her friendship and that could never change. Then give her enough emotional space to figure out what she wants--make sure she knows that you only wanted to let her know how you feel, not make things complicated for her.

 

Then, and this is making an assumption on my part, DO NOT have sex with her that night. If things go well, make out, cuddle, whatever, but even if she suggests it, hold off and let her know that you want to but your feelings for her run so much deeper than the physical. The next night, maybe, or your last night there, even better. But NOT the night you express your feelings for her. Trust me.

 

What have you got to lose? If you don't she may end up in an unhappy relationship 1600 miles away and you will always wonder. And as far as losing the friendship, well if she is 1600 miles away, I kind of doubt that will last too long.

 

Good luck...let us know how it works out...

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Well by telling her how you feel, it doesn't necessarily mean she won't still move far away. Other than that one thing, how happy does she truly seem with her BF?...just curious...but I don't think he'd like to know if she was sleeping in your bed....even though you were respectful as you stated...

 

Only you know her as a person, so hypothetically, lets say she does not return your feelings. Do you think she'd be the type to abandon the friendship because of it? If not, you could tell her the truth to get it off your chest, just be prepared for her to not feel the same...however, if she has a BF and plans to move away...even if she has mutual feelings, those are complications don't you think? Oh well, good luck to you.

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matwithonet

Well I'm back from my week with her. And wouldn't you know, I'm a huge panzy. I couldn't come out and say it. I did beat around the bush though.

 

The last night I was there, I basically asked her why she wants to move away with him if he makes her so unhappy because the entire time I was there he was such a @$$ to her on the phone. And she said that the only reason she calls this place home is because of the two people in the world she can trust, her mother and I. Then she said that living here has been really hard for her because of her father passing away six months ago.

 

So then I told her that she shouldn't move away and be unhappy when I can make her happy and she said that she has already asked her family that lives near where she is moving, if they can give her a flight back if things don't work out. She then said she swore to me that if she was unhappy she would come back and live with me. And when I dropped her back off at home when she got out of the car she looked at me and said "I love you". I think I said it back but I dont think it was too loud, so I'm not sure if she heard it.

 

So now I'm so confused what to do. Is she trying to get me to come out and say "stay here with me" or is this just some stupid woman thing. She is coming to visit me for 4 days before she leaves and I don't have any clue as to what to do, so any advice would be much apprieciated. Thanks for all your help so far. I just don't know how to get the confidence to actually confront her directly.

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KindBlindConflicted

...if you want her to move away and never know how you feel!!!

 

Grow a bigger sack and TELL HER!!! The only thing you have to lose is maybe a little face if she does not reciprocate the feelings. Better than to lose someone you care for because you were too timid to speak up.

 

You are an adult. When you want something, go for it. It will not always work out, but at least you never have to have regrets for not making a move.

 

Look at your recent trip...she told you she loved you, she told you he was an arse on the phone with her, she told you that you and her mother are the only reasons for being where she is now, she told you that she has a back-up plan to return if things don't work out, and told you all of this during a week-long trip that she invited you to visit her, strategically scheduled when her boyfriend was not around!!! What more do you need her to say or do? Those hints should hit you square in the face!!! My guess is the only reason she doesn't come right out and express her feelings to you is because she is afraid of rejection!!!

 

Come on, step up to the plate, dude. Be a man. Don't wait until the trip 4 days before she is leaving. Go now. Tell her you really need to talk to her in person about some things on your mind. Tell her you should have discussed it when you were there last week. Go see her now, in a few days, this weekend, whatever...even if you need to rearrange your schedule to make this happen.

 

If you don't, you may always regret this. And don't think you may get a second chance if things don't work out and she comes back after moving away with her boyfriend. Wait until then and she may be a bit hostile or hurt to find out you had these feelings all along and were too chicken to tell her before allowing her to fall on her face first with the boyfriend.

 

Good luck...

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matwithonet

Thanks kindblindconflicted. Yeah I know I need to grow some balls and just say something and I know everyone here is right, if I don't I'll regret it. I just wish it was easier, I wish she would just be more forward about it. And yes I think I have decided 100% that I'm going to tell her. I thank you all for your advice and again if you guys want to keep giving it, go ahead.

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KindBlindConflicted

Mat...

 

I think she has been pretty forward...telling you she loves you, etc.

 

It is not that hard. Hard is trying to hit a Roger Clemens fastball! Hard is trying to stop Sidney Crosby on a breakaway!! Hard is trying to pitch a tent in a driving rainstorm on rocky ground!!!

 

I don't know how old you are...guessing early 20s. So I know that your perspective on things is different than someone in their 30s and 40s and 50s. But like I said before, once you are an adult, you have to go get what you want. No one will give it to you.

 

If you want this gal, go get her. If it fails, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. Life is too short to live without something you want. Slinking around in the background is no way to live. Not just with her, but in all things in life, be prepared and make your move!!!

 

Another thing to consider. If, or better yet, WHEN you express your feelings to her, understand that a natural reaction by her will be confliction. Don't feel you failed if she doesn't jump into your arms and tell you "I have been waiting for you to tell me that forever." You may not immediately get a response from her. Truth is, it is possible that you may never get THE response from her that you are hoping for. But from all you have said, I doubt that will be the case. The more likely scenario is that she will need time to mull over things. Give her that time without any pressure--i.e. don't keep bringing it up. Tell her your feelings honestly and succinctly and then keep being a loving friend. Because isn't that what you want, no matter if you are her lover or not, to be her friend?

 

Good luck...let us know how it works out...and definitely do this in person if at all possible!!!

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Have to say Mat, Kindbutconflicted has got this absolutely spot on. From a female point of view she thinks she is giving you huge green lights and is probably waiting for you to pick up on them. However to you, these are not huge green lights, they are subtle hints that you are having trouble understanding. Women always assume that men are mind readers, but you're not. Tell her. You have nothing to lose. If she moves away with the boyfriend you are going to drift apart anyway. We all have enough regrets in life without including ones we could have done something about. If my best friend told me he loved me, I'd feel sad that I can't reciprocate, but I would still love him. And knowing someone loves me would make me feel wonderful even if unrequited.

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PoshPrincess
Have to say Mat, Kindbutconflicted has got this absolutely spot on. From a female point of view she thinks she is giving you huge green lights and is probably waiting for you to pick up on them. However to you, these are not huge green lights, they are subtle hints that you are having trouble understanding. Women always assume that men are mind readers, but you're not. Tell her. You have nothing to lose. If she moves away with the boyfriend you are going to drift apart anyway. We all have enough regrets in life without including ones we could have done something about. If my best friend told me he loved me, I'd feel sad that I can't reciprocate, but I would still love him. And knowing someone loves me would make me feel wonderful even if unrequited.

 

Mat, I totally agree with Mustard & KBC. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!! She is definitely giving you BIG signals in 10 ft high letters! She has definitelty waited to mention her feelings for you until now because you were with someone. Foremost you are her friend and SHE wouldn't have wanted to jeopardise that either. Now, you are single, she is with a guy but clearly doesn't want to be and is waiting for you to make the move because she is too shy/nervous/scared of being rejected, whatever. Mate, just take the bull by the horns and go fot it or you may end up losing out big time!!!!!

 

Best of luck and keep us all posted!

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KindBlindConflicted

That is so true about the mind reading statement, Mustard.

 

From a male perspective, if women could realize two things, relationships could be so much easier. One, we cannot read your mind. Two, except for scumbag guys that give the good ones a bad name, what we say is what we mean--generally, there is no hidden agenda. I like ice cream means I like ice cream, not some twisted road to something else!!!

 

I should start a thread for this, because I am sure the ladies out there have a few things that we guys should know but seem to keep failing to realize.

 

Sorry, off the topic a bit, but felt the need to drop in my two cents...

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KindBlindConflicted

Mat, looks like a lot of people are rooting for you!!!

 

Even the female perspective weighs in with a hearty GO FOR IT!!!

 

It reminds me of the line from the movie Swingers...

 

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man.

 

...except we all like you!!!

 

Good luck...

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I need to know how it ends, I've invested and for some daft reason I actually care. So if you don't tell her, you don't get an ending, and the rest of us never get to know what might have been. You may be able to live with that - but I'm not sure I can :)

 

Seriously, whatever you choose to do, I hope you'll be happy. You seem like a good man.

 

And KBC, start that thread. The more women know about how men think the better for all of us. I've tons of questions.

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matwithonet

Wow guys, wow. You guys have given me the confidence to do what I should have done last week. I'm going to tell her how I feel, and because of all of you, I am pretty confident that it will all work out. Now I do realize there is still that slim chance that it won't, but honestly I think it will and I even had a friend of mine today tell me that he has always thought there was something between me and my friend. And just so you know why my self esteem isn't that great, is because before my ex I have never dated anyone before and my friend that I'm going to be confessing my feelings for, is extremely hot and I'm really not. But thanks to all of you, I know I can do this. Thank you so much and I will keep you updated.

 

This is an edited part. I just had to say again how good I feel right now. I sat down to my computer, logged in and now I can't stop smiling. Again thank you.

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matwithonet

Ok, we'll here is the situation I'm in now.

 

She came up, and we had a lot of friends with us, so I couldn't talk to her. That was Saturday. Then Sunday she went and spent time with her mom, because it was her mom's birthday. Then she came over about 10pm and we watched a bunch of movies and got drunk as hell. We slept in my bed again, and I was too drunk to talk about anything that night.

 

Well i was planning on talking about it on Monday when we woke up but she woke me up saying she was going to go take a shower and she would call me to go to lunch. I get a call at about 530pm saying she is just going to have her mom take her back up to school and that she would call me when she got there. Its 7am in the morning and still no call. So I have either two suggestions on what this might mean and I would like some feedback from you guys.

 

1. I didn't say anything and she is kind of mad about it or something.

2. She just didn't want to say goodbye to my face.

 

Now I have till friday to say something to her before she moves away. So any suggestions might help out a lot.

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Stop making excuses. Everyone has already given you advice on what to do. Now follow it! Get off your ass, and call her right now. Dont want to call? Get into your car drive over to her house right now, not tomorrow or next week. Right NOW!

 

Dont have the balls to talk to her? This may not be sage advice, but grab her by the arm pin her into a corner and say "Enough of this bull****". And then lay a big sloppy kiss on her.

 

There are those who "do" and those who "dont" which are you?

If you post one more time with an excuse, that will answer your question. Good luck. =)

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Ok, we'll here is the situation I'm in now.

 

She came up, and we had a lot of friends with us, so I couldn't talk to her. That was Saturday. Then Sunday she went and spent time with her mom, because it was her mom's birthday. Then she came over about 10pm and we watched a bunch of movies and got drunk as hell. We slept in my bed again, and I was too drunk to talk about anything that night.

 

Well i was planning on talking about it on Monday when we woke up but she woke me up saying she was going to go take a shower and she would call me to go to lunch. I get a call at about 530pm saying she is just going to have her mom take her back up to school and that she would call me when she got there. Its 7am in the morning and still no call. So I have either two suggestions on what this might mean and I would like some feedback from you guys.

 

1. I didn't say anything and she is kind of mad about it or something.

2. She just didn't want to say goodbye to my face.

 

Now I have till friday to say something to her before she moves away. So any suggestions might help out a lot.

 

You're over analyzing and making justifications for not doing what you said you would do. "I would've asked her BUT..." etc. Just talk to her so you'll be done with it!

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Mat, I am so upset with the guy I am crazy about that I cannot bring myself to talk to him or even look him in the eye when he talks to me. All I want him to do is tell me that he is as mad for me as I am for him.

 

If she is acting distant and seeming to avoid you - bingo.

 

Tell her. Good luck

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matwithonet

Alright check out this poem I wrote for her.

 

This is for the greatest person

that I have ever known.

Being away from you for so long

I am feeling so alone.

With you I am so happy

you keep my heart content.

That is where I found my heart

and how I feel for you.

I try so hard to deny this feeling

and I don't know what to do.

I said that I would never again

let someone take my heart.

And here I'm sitting wanting you

and hate that we're apart.

Everyday you are in my thoughts,

every night you're in my dreams.

I can't believe what's happening,

is this really what it seems?

I know you're only wanting

to be the best of friends,

but I am asking you sincerely

if it's your rule you'll bend.

To take a chance to know me

to let me share it all.

And maybe one day very soon

for me one day you'll fall.

Our friendship we now have

is something that I'd miss

but maybe once we let go

we will find eternal bliss.

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