!!! Ex-BF / Now Friends / Marriage ending / Want to try again

[Guest - Atlanta, GA]

Hi Guys,

 

My name is Christy and I have searched and searched but I can NOT find any advice that matches my situation. In my opinion this is a long and complicated story but I will try to tame it down as much as possible and answer any questions regarding details or facts that I may have left out.

 

Thank you for listening...anyone who reads this whole thing and answers. This is consuming me right now so you are my new best-friends lol.

 

 

Here it goes:

 

When I was a freshman in college (Biology Major) there was a guy in my program that I dated 5 months and fell very hard for him. I was quiet and he was very popular and it was crazy how we just connected when we were together. We bonded most because we both felt the same way about our education and would constantly talk about our futures in medicine.

 

The problem is that he was too popular and 5 months after we start dating I found out that he was seeing someone else. I was devastated but given my personality at the time I dropped him without so much as a word ----and I thought I loved him.

 

Nine months after I broke up with him I had met and married the man I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was handsome, well off -remember I'm 19 at the time- and treated me like a queen. So, I dropped out of college and we started a life together.

 

Three years later I called my ex out of the blue to tell him that a friend of ours that was over seas had passed away. I knew that he would have wanted to know and that he was not in touch with her. My relationship with my husband was great at the time but all of a sudden every feeling that I'd had for him came back out of nowhere. I was completely over him and didn't think twice about making the call - maybe once, naturally - but THIS I never expected.

 

We talked on and off over the next 6 years and it always felt more like we were in a relationship than just being old friends. I never crossed the line - and have still never slept with him to this day - until my husband cheated on me. When that happened I began to let go and really speak to my ex as if we were in a relationship and he seemed to respond. Over the years he and I would argue and "break-up" as friends many times and when I look back these were times when he was with someone or when I had each of my two kids. He and my husband have never met face to face.

 

Sorry...I'm really trying to shorten this but we are talking about 9 years of drama...:-(

 

Our last "time out" was for almost a year and when I did call him I announced that during that time my husband and I decided to get a divorce. At first he really came on strong as he wanted to be with me - without saying so and keeping cool - but he e-mailed me almost everyday, he would call just to say hi before work and all the things a boyfriend would do but that was in Feb/March of this year.

 

I have only seen him TWICE in that time and we live 45 min away from each other (part of me thinks he may be disappointed in how I look after having 2 kids but he still loves my personality so only talks to me via e-mail and phone to keep those feelings...although everyone I meet tells me I'm a MILF - lol - Also, He is an intern and I am a housewife - we don't really speak the same language anymore and I LONG to go back to school but feel it's too late for that career).

 

Now It's winter and he is acting very cold. My divorce is so complicated that we still live in the same house. He always refers to my soon-to-be-ex-husband as "your husband" and has gone from contacting me almost too much to never returning my calls. He tells me when he is on dates when he didn't before and he always speaks over my head as if to rub in my face that I'm not a doctor because of the choices I made. Also, he often makes little comments about how it is "WEIRD" that I have two kids since my second kid came after my husbands affair. Like he could have handled one kid but getting with a woman with two is too much? I don't know if that is what he is trying to hint at...

 

Last important fact, since he has been here through this messy divorce he has seen and heard sides of me that are not too pretty. I've been depressed and angry and vengeful at venerable times and I worry that I have messed up his view of me over the years by showing this needy and hurt side of me. Like he is thinking "whoa, I don't need this drama in MY life - I thought you were FUN not crazy"...

 

So, what do I DO? My divorce won't be over until early or mid-2007. I would be completely a KNOCKOUT if I just work out but that will take time. My kids are first so if he can't handle that I understand but too bad...I just don't really know if that is the issue...I guess my questions are A. Why is he acting this way - as far as you guys can guess - and B. How can I reel him back in and get him because I really Love him and I don't know about marriage but just to finally sleep with him..sorry so raw..make love to him and just be happy and have fun with him would really brighten my world right now. C. Am I too damaged goods now? I'm starting my life over after making a mess of it with a cheating husband and he is just starting his on the right path. I don't have to explain all that comes with being seconds (husband, set of kids, credit reports...all real life stuff) and he would be on his first of all of these.

 

PLEASE HELP ME. IT IS 3AM AND I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I'M SO DESPERATE AND REALLY WANT HIM IN MY LIFE. I JUST FEEL LIKE I TOOK TOO LONG OR MAYBE THE CHASE IS OVER. CAN I FIX LOOKING NUTS DUE TO THE STRAIN OF THE DIVORCE OR DID I RUIN IT?....UGH!#%@^ I DON'T KNOW BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO WHOEVER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

 

Just don't say "too long"...I know, I know.. :-)

 

Thanks again,

 

Christy

[dr2be]

Christy...

 

You sound so much like my friend Kim. She went back to school with 3 kids, thank you!! She is in her 2nd year of pharmacy school. It is not too late, either. My heart goes out to you. If you feel this way, please talk straight with him. I am also in medical school and can relate to the stresses that come with the territory. Don't come on too too strong, but I think you should level with him. If he can't handle what you are suggesting, then I think it is best you don't count on his support through this situation. It sounds like the two of you haven't been being completely honest with each other. I could be wrong though...

 

Let me know anyting else that may help the advice I can give to you

[Curmudgeon]

Christy, there's an old saying, "You can never go back!" I think there's a great deal of truth to that, especially when it comes to relationships. Neither of you are the same people you were when you were 19 and in school. You can't expect all the feelings to be the same either. To believe they will be is to set yourself up for disappointment.

 

You're started on a very difficult path with the end of a marriage and having to get things in order to take care of your two children on your own. I think that's where your concentration needs to be. Anything else is just a complication at this stage.

 

Best of luck.