Your welcome, kiddo.
And don't worry about the "plagerism" issue. The letter was extrapolated after reading through the 900+ pages of your thread afterall. So, it's all about you.
I think there's a bit of common ground though with
incidental cheaters. You know a
serial cheater cheats because he can. He feels
entitled to putting himself first in all things. His own happiness is paramount, and if other people get hurt in the process, it's unfortunate... but he's not willing to forego his own pleasures in order to prevent it.
People have ridden you hard at times, making sure that you weren't that kind of guy. I've rattled your cage a couple of times myself.
But I'm fairly confident at this point that you aren't one of the
serial types.
The incidental cheater is a guy who's responding to hopelessness regarding the relationship. He's given up on working things out because he feels there's no point in it. He's lost belief in his spouse's love for him. He can no longer visualize a future in which love and intimacy can be returned to the marriage. He's depressed and looking for a way to lift himself out of an emotional void.
This makes it soooo very easy for him to rationalize his behavior. If he's not important to his spouse... than what difference does it make if he stays the course with her?
I've seen it in my own marriage. My husband is a GREAT guy.
There's no way he would put his own selfish pleasure before me or the good of his family. And yet, to his way of thinking.... it all made sense at the time.
Understanding how twisted up his thinking had become was KEY to my ability to forgive him. He felt like he had lost me, and he was bereft... and angry about it too. And when it was all said and done, and I had given him again the closeness and intimacy that he needed.... he, himself, could no longer identify with his former mindset. His words and actions from just a few months prior made NO SENSE to him anymore. It was like some other guy had hijacked his BRAIN.
Things are going to keep going up and down for as long as your wife is feeling the pain of your betrayal. So, keep your seatbelts fastened.
You know, when she says to you...
"she was considering the idea of finding someone else she could sleep with "... almost ALL betrayed spouses feel like that as we're going through the healing process. And while the majority of us doesn't act on it, the feeling is damn near universal. We WANT our spouse to understand our pain, because weirdly enough.... he's the only one who can really comfort us and make it go away.
Saying something like that isn't really a matter of taking a jab at you. It's a way of sharing her hurt feelings, so you know where her head is at. Once she gets serious about recovery, she's going to need to talk... and talk... and talk. And there are going to be times when you're CONVINCED that it's never going to end and you'll live the rest of your days in her personal doghouse.
But that's not what it's about. It's not a punishment. It's her wanting you to understand what she's feeling. And understanding each other's feelings leads you back to
emotional intimacy. So... even when it's hard to hear and when it comes out angry, it's still leading you down the path where you most want to go, right?
On another subject, I think it would be a good plan for you to change your user name and open up a new thread. You need to be an 'open book' for your wife at this point. I'm not sure it would be a good thing for your wife to ever read your initial thread. There's ALOT of venting and confusion there, and while it's valid in it's way... it's an honesty that I think could be described as 'brutal'.
p.s. There's a
Wayward board at survivinginfidelity.com that might be of use to you at this time. I think you'll find other folks who are dealing with some of the same issues you're dealing with as they transition back into the marriage while dealing with the pain and fallout. It's not easy to fix the initial marital problems when you have theis HUGE mountain of a problem to deal with first. I think you might find some solace there in the knowledge that you are NOT alone in what you're feeling.
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