[ellandroader]

Hi there

My name is Dan...new to these boards and a Yorkshireman who currently lives in the United States. I looked for a Welcome area but couldn't find one so pardon me for not introducing myself properly!

Anyhow, I am somewhat confused about a girl I have been seeing recently. Firstly you should probably know that I have suffered from illness of my own in the past few years and haven't dated much as a result so my experiences are limited for a guy aged 23. However, I have been recovering and met this lovely girl in my town. We hit it off right away, did lots of random stuff like mini-golfing, going to bars, theme parks, that sort of thing. We have lots in common and I feel more more comfortable with her than I have with anyone. She said the same thing.

2 weeks later, we get back to hers...I'm extremely shy by the way and haven't made a move, though my friends and so forth have encouraged me as they think she is into me. As I'm waiting for her to fall asleep before I head back to mine, she pounces up, and lands a big kiss on the lips . Then she continues and all of sudden, I fall into it and then we're close for the next half hour. Great I think because I was too shy to make the move. We then talked a lot more and she seemed up for taking this somewhere.

Long story short, so I don't bore you all, we kept meeting up and things go along nicely. I buy her a couple of gifts, look after her and show her attention, though I don't pressure her. I am happy to take it slowly.

On the Wednesday she shocks me by saying she doesn't have room for a boyfriend at the moment. She seemed really into me and maintains she is...I am the "Perfect guy" she says. She has circumstances, which she told me about and include the fact she was in an abusive relationship before so she needed space. I can understand she may need time to warm to me.

But still, we go out, talk often and recently she is still somewhat physical, flirty and clingy to me. My dad suggests she is testing my commitment, my friends tell me to be patient. I haven't had much luck in the past and think I'm being snubbed. But then she allows me to get close to her. What can I think??

I really like this girl and am falling for her quite quickly. I would be sickened if there was another guy involved, though she says there isn't. She did say she might consider us moving on in the future, though was she just being nice?

Thanks in advance for any advice and my apologies for the long thread...I don't mean to make it so long but I will offer help where needed.

Cheers!

[Pink Amulet]

Welcome Dan!

I wouldn't rule another man out, but don't let yourself become paranoid about this.

The fact that she made the move on you implies there is some level of attraction on her behalf... but I have to ask, have you done, or said anything that could lessen her attraction since that point in time?

It just sounds like a standard line with the underlying truth "I'm just not that in to you".

HOWEVER, you did mention an abusive relationship... if this is the case, the situation changes slightly. It is very difficult for a women who has been abused by her significant other to participate in, or even entertain the idea of a healthy relationship, with a good man.

I don't know if you should broach the subject, but I hope she attempts counselling, as women rarely get through the struggle of past abuse on their own.

Play it cool, be there for her if she needs it, but don't make yourself look desperate or needy (a major turn off for women). Hopefully if you step back she will realise what a wonderful guy you are and consider what she may be losing.

Good luck!

[Island Girl]

Hello ellandroader! Welcome - although I am new her myself so perhaps I shouldn't be part of the committee.

You are so NICE. Just genuinely polite. You seem like a wonderful man. And your post wasn't long at all compared to some I've seen.

Now to the problem at hand. I would trust your own instincts. If you feel you are being snubbed, you probably are. Painful I know but better to know now.

I fear you are becoming the "un-boyfriend boyfriend". That is what I call it.

When girls are getting all the fun, support, advice, and caring from a guy that is NOT her boyfriend, she is getting all that she needs from you. But she isn't giving you what you want or need. All under the disguise that she needs space. She says she needs space. Classic. I always said that when I met a really nice guy that I enjoyed getting attention from. I knew the guy wanted to date me, I didn't want to date him for whatever reason, but I liked the attention and the feeling that I was cared for.

It wasn't fair. And it always ended badly. Either the nice guy couldn't take being a friend (that I was demanding of) and finally broke it off very unhappily. Or someone else that I did want to date, etc.

I am sorry to be the bearer of this reply. Maybe other people will post a viewpoint that is completely different.

I just think you could find someone who is thrilled by how wonderful you seem to be.

[ellandroader]

Thank you both for your replies, and the warm welcomes!

Yes, she has had problems, and there are issues ongoing in her life. I have tried to give her a benefit of the doubt because of these, though the sticking point for me is "Why start something then if you weren't interested?".

She is getting some help for her issues I understand and she felt ok telling me all about them. Perhaps she genuinely just doesn't feel ready.

Pink Amulet - I haven't said anything or done anything. She just caught me totally out of the blue and that was that. I am a "non pressure" guy (I wasn't even going to make a move, especially after she had deterred me before...then she made her move). I won't be pressuring her and she knows where I am, but on the same token, I don't want to be calling and such all the time.

Island Girl - Thanks for the kind words! I do try to be polite. I appreciate your blunt response but as you say, it is better to hear it now I suppose. I don't want to be the "un-boyfriend boyfriend" that you refer to, and she actually knows I find it difficult to be friends. I am not quite sure how to play it because I genuinely do like her and I wish she would have given it more of a chance. It is almost embarassing at my end because it didn't last so long.

[MadDog]

All you need to know is that she has issues (as she's admitted) and she isn't going to be exclusive with you anytime soon and perhaps never will. The best thing to do is to continue to see her casually but see other girls as well. It's likely you'll find a girl just as cool as her who doesn't have the hangups.

[ellandroader]

Yeah she has issues and stuff, but has never said she isn't interested. (And she was sat on my lap the other day with her arm around me) So I'm bloody confused. I think she is too and she even said that down the line there might be something more (again).

[alphamale]

forget about this woman and move on.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree as well, move on dude. Also, buying a gift for a women this early in dating is a relationship killer.