[cjaye]

I've known this guy for 6 years...it's always been a little strange...about two years ago I actually started to love him and we started getting really close but he started pushing me away about a year ago...at this point the intimate side of our relationship consists of me helping him out if you know what I mean...I know he hangs out with other women (we live 4 1/2 hours away from each other) but he hasn't been doing anything sexual with them and I think he's telling the truth...Last night this lady who he hangs out with came over while I was visting. Sje says she loves him but in actuality knows nothing about who he really is because I know everything and she's totally clueless and he really uses her feelings for him - she buys him stuff and cooks for him and he gives her just enough attention that she holds on to a false hope - last night he tries to blindfold and tie both of us up, honestly I'm not unfamiliar nor am I uncomfortable with this, but I couldn't imagine it was something she was used to and I didn't want to see him abusing her feelings for him by manipulating her into doing this so I refused, he got really angry, attacked me with some unrelated stuff, tried to make me leave, and when I asked him if the only thing he saw me as was someone who was willing to service him, he walked out...she and I found him later and...this is the part I regret, we both ended up sleeping next to him on either side...he put an arm around each of us...now what really hurts about this is that I loved sleeping in his arms until he stopped a year ago and I know he used to like to sleep next to me. I'm still really angry and am planning on talking to him later today when he gets off work, I guess my question is...am I the stupidest person on the face of the earth? Is it even possible that he could actually really care about me but just be so messed up he won't allow himself to love me? Is he just a prick.

Thanks for any of thoughts on this, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and I just need some emotional help.

CJ

[HeyYouGuys]

Originally Posted by cjaye

- she buys him stuff and cooks for him and he gives her just enough attention that she holds on to a false hope - last night he tries to blindfold and tie both of us up, honestly I'm not unfamiliar nor am I uncomfortable with this, but I couldn't imagine it was something she was used to and I didn't want to see him abusing her feelings for him by manipulating her into doing this so I refused, he got really angry, attacked me with some unrelated stuff, tried to make me leave, and when I asked him if the only thing he saw me as was someone who was willing to service him, he walked out...she and I found him later and...this is the part I regret, we both ended up sleeping next to him on either side...he put an arm around each of us...now what really hurts about this is that I loved sleeping in his arms until he stopped a year ago and I know he used to like to sleep next to me. I'm still really angry and am planning on talking to him later today when he gets off work, I guess my question is...am I the stupidest person on the face of the earth? Is it even possible that he could actually really care about me but just be so messed up he won't allow himself to love me? Is he just a prick.

Thanks for any of thoughts on this, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and I just need some emotional help.

CJ

This guy sounds like a real winner. He abuses this other woman's affection...lets her clean and cook for him and gives her 'just enough attention' to keep her around?

What a user!

Then he wants to do some sexual act with you and another girl....that you don't want to do...and attacks you (did you mean verbally or physically?) for not wanting to participate?

So in addition to being a user, he's a selfish jerk.

I honeslty dont' see what you see in this guy.

I don't know if he's psychologically 'messed up' or not. He may just have a personality type that includes immature, selfish, jerklike traits.

Rather than wasting your energy on trying to 'figure him out', why not leave him alone to figure his own mess out? Move on to bigger and better things

[cjaye]

He verbally attacked me...I had said something jokingly about his dancing and he told me I danced like a sack of potatos...I know that isn't awful, but it was totally out of the blue and strange...I know he's messed up and I honestly don't think I can fix him, but there is a lot of potential in him if he'd just stop being a selfish jerk...maybe a lot of the problem is that I've seen him make a lot of positive changes in his life already and I keep holding on to the idea that he'll be able to make this one too...

And there are no bigger and better things...I'm 30...he's the only guy I've ever had any kind of relationship with...it's not that I haven't tried...I don't think I'm much fun, and I'm kind of shy, but I'm not a pushover and I'm totally willing to give up on him and thereby all men, but since none of them want me it's kind of pointless....

Wow, you are so hard on yourself.

Just because you're shy doesn't mean you're not fun! I'm sort of shy too. I prefer reading and writing and quiet pursuits to big parties and loud, crowded events. But I do think a lot and have a wicked sense of humour. As long as I'm with the 'right' person who gets it, we have loads of fun togehter

I think you have just gotten into the rut of being hard on yourself, thinking nobody else would want you so why not keep seeing this jerk?

Unfortunately, the longer you stay with a jerk, the lower your self esteem will drop.

Why not kick him to the curb, get yourself a therapist and start doing things that you make you feel good about YOU. I think once your self esteem starts to come back, you'll meet somebody much better.

And 30 is not old. I met my love at age 35.