I am married to an emotionally unavailable man. Though we are recently separated I continue to seek him by inviting him over to my home. However, he continues to dissappoint me by being the emotional sponge that he has always been.

Why do I continue to return to self-punishment?

Any Advice?

[Tony T]

It's natural to want to change someone. It's natural of hope for change. It's natural to hope we win the lottery.

However, you married him knowing he was emotionally available, unless he committed fraud by misleading you during your courtship.

You obviously love him for his other qualities so you continue to seek him out for those qualities you love. But you are diappointed when once again you see that he is not going to give you what you need emotionally.

The saddest thing in the world is to be married to someone we love greatly but have a large void in the package that takes away so much from the rest.

There are many things that can be helped with therapy and this is one...if the recipient is willing. He obviously comes from a family that was emotionally void, unexpressive or abusive and has never been taught to share in this way. It will be difficult to get him to open up when he has absolutely no frame of reference for what is expected of him that way. You can talk to him all day about this, but he will be resistant because it's just something he is not comfortable with or familiar with.

The only advice I can give you is enjoy his company for the things he can offer but don't expect him to change. When you see him, don't think he's going to be a changed man.

If you are both interested in saving your marriage- that would certainly be a step in the right direction.

Does he have trouble showing "any" kind of emotion? Even anger and fear? If he does- it would do him good to seek professional help -regardless of what happens with the marriage.

If you find that he is just "emotionally challenged" with you, ask him if he would be willing to see a marriage counselor. And if he is not open to that- there isn't anything you can say that will change him. Ultimately-it has to be his decision or it will never work for him.

You may be faced with letting him go- and it will be hard because I can tell you love him dearly. But, if he doesn't seek help- you run the risk of becoming emotionally detached yourself- as a method of protection.

I hope that you and your husband are able to work through this together. Good Luck, Jenna

It's natural to want to change someone. It's natural of hope for change. It's natural to hope we win the lottery. However, you married him knowing he was emotionally available, unless he committed fraud by misleading you during your courtship. You obviously love him for his other qualities so you continue to seek him out for those qualities you love. But you are diappointed when once again you see that he is not going to give you what you need emotionally. The saddest thing in the world is to be married to someone we love greatly but have a large void in the package that takes away so much from the rest. There are many things that can be helped with therapy and this is one...if the recipient is willing. He obviously comes from a family that was emotionally void, unexpressive or abusive and has never been taught to share in this way. It will be difficult to get him to open up when he has absolutely no frame of reference for what is expected of him that way. You can talk to him all day about this, but he will be resistant because it's just something he is not comfortable with or familiar with. The only advice I can give you is enjoy his company for the things he can offer but don't expect him to change. When you see him, don't think he's going to be a changed man.