I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..
I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.
A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.
Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.
She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.
The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.
I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.
I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.
If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..
Well, as long as you're OK with you and your wife getting a divorce...With or without the OW in your life.
Maybe if you had kept the OW in the loop and not treated her so badly, understood her frustration and explained your reasonings of wanting space, then maybe the outcome would have been different.
Time will tell. If you and the OW are meant to be together, it will happen as it will. If it doesn't, you're free to meet someone else in the future.
Maybe the OW doesn't care to be wrapped up in the drama and emotional side that will be present in the next fews months...
In that case - then she won't go the distance with me anyways. What if another crisis comes up after we're together - like a major health issue or job loss? Will she cut loose because things aren't easy anymore?
I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..
I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.
A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.
Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.
She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.
The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.
I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.
I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.
If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..
All of these statements indicate that you are not working on your own life , you are caught up in the emotionallity of the affair. You are still lying to both the OW and your wife. Do both women a favor and be alone untill you are ready to be honest and forthright , even if you have something to say that they may not want to hear. Don't waste your wife's time or thew OW's time and energy with lies .
__________________
it's easy to feel beaten down by logic. -Quankanne
All of these statements indicate that you are not working on your own life , you are caught up in the emotionallity of the affair. You are still lying to both the OW and your wife. Do both women a favor and be alone untill you are ready to be honest and forthright , even if you have something to say that they may not want to hear. Don't waste your wife's time or thew OW's time and energy with lies .
That all sounds good - it really does. I don't know how possible that all is. I am lying to protect my self-interests, I'll admit to that. I guess part of the problem is that this whole relationship is based on lies. Every time I went to bed with the mistress I had to lie to the wife about where I was. The OW never complained about that. And telling my wife now that I'm (was) sleeping with another serves no purpose other than to throw a big wrench in the works ..
Bad, bad idea. You should only leave a marriage for you, not for someone else. As you're finding out, the other person may not be a reality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hard2Think
I can't live without OW.
Sure you can! You've done so for years in the past. What? OW throws you over and you're just going to fold? I doubt it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hard2Think
my life with the wife is lousy as hell.
Now that's a REAL reason to leave unless, of course, you're the one making it lousy and you could make it better. But of course, you'd have to want to.
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 23rd July 2006 at 6:32 PM..
Reason: Let's talk reasons.
Now that's a REAL reason to leave unless, of course, you're the one making it lousy and you could make it better. But of course, you'd have to want to.
You're absolutely right in everything you said. There's nothing I can say to dispute it.
Let me tell you something that will surely seem distasteful and foolhardy. I know it already even before telling you ..
Life with my spouse is lousy - but I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to. I'd be unhappy, but I can do it. Among the problems is I get very little sex and affection from the wife. That's my #1 problem and it has no resolution. Trust me on this and let's leave that for another thread if we must.
The OW is great in bed and she loves (loved) me. I know for a fact that this is preventing me from thinking straight. But I'm in complete extasy when we're together. She's also mostly pleasant to be with - I enjoy her company. But it's really the sex, affection, and companionship that I get from her that I want from here on in. I know there's nothing new here - all MM probably say this about their OW.
But she also has issues emotionally that I know will make me miserable in the future. I can see it now just as I did with my wife early on. Like with my wife, I ignored the flags because the sex was so great.
I'm thinking with the little head and I know it .. and yet I'm like a crack addict. I just don't want to do without her.
I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often. But that just won't do ..
...but I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to.
Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.
Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.
I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..
I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.
A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.
Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.
She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.
The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.
I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.
I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.
If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.
Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.
Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.
Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.
That's excellent advice .. Not that it doesn't make perfect sense on its own. But those words are somehow sobering to me, thanks.
May I ask how old you were at the time? I'm nearly 42.
Hi Hard2Think. One question... why are you still living with your wife if you are in the process of divorcing? (at least, I gathered from your post that you were, my mistake if not).
Your OW could probably cope with the situation if you weren't actually still under the same roof.
Also...it really isn't fair to compare her anger and non-support over this to losing your job or ill health. She has a fundamental right to be with someone who is not married, and to choose not to be with you if you cannot provide this. Just trying to make you see her point of view.
Hi Hard2Think. One question... why are you still living with your wife if you are in the process of divorcing? (at least, I gathered from your post that you were, my mistake if not).
Your OW could probably cope with the situation if you weren't actually still under the same roof.
Also...it really isn't fair to compare her anger and non-support over this to losing your job or ill health. She has a fundamental right to be with someone who is not married, and to choose not to be with you if you cannot provide this. Just trying to make you see her point of view.
No - I do understand her frustration perfectly. I really do. But this is no surprise to her that I'm married. I was when I met her. She has the fundamental right to choose not to be with me for any reason she chooses.
It's just that I feel that I'm taking a huge step here for the sake of us and that she seems not to appreciate that too much. While I get that she wishes I was already divorced - I'm not. That process takes time. But I'm not sure she'll even be there for me once I'm done.
To answer your question - I do live at the house right now, but I don't sleep in the same bed with her.
Hard2Think, I am in a very very similar situation (or was), so please understand that I am telling you this from the perspective of someone who knows. My MM is only married now in the sense that he is not divorced.... we live together though, so I can bear the fact he is still legally married.
You might be sleeping in separate beds, but frankly, how does your OW know that? It's a common line trotted out by MM.
I am sure she WILL support you in the divorce.... but at least recognise that it's not fair on her that you live in the same house as your wife. You'll probably be pleasantly surrpised at just how supportive OW is when you move out, even if the divorce process isn't begun.
But if you are serious about the divorce.. you do have to move out. Anything less, and nothing has really changed for your OW - so no wonder she is still angry!
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