[Diver012]

I have to admit, this breakup has shaken me to the core. But I need to discuss the past, as thats whats coming to the surface for some reason.

I knew a girl a long time ago. We were close for over 7 years. Not intemately close, I cant say we were even Boyfriend, Girlfriend. There were feelings there on both sides, but we never took it to that level. She came to me at a point in my adolescence, when I didnt have many friends. I was messed up. I liked her, I pursued her. This was a first for me. I didnt know what rejection was so she would say no, and I thought, ok... I just have to ask until she says yes. Well she never really said yes, but we developed a love between eachother that will never be forgotten by either one of us. She gave me the gift of self respect and understanding. I am a better man for having known her.

Fast forward a few years, I met a girl my Senior Year of High School. I hadnt thought about a girl or even been that interested in one since the previous. Almost teh same scenario as above though. Nothing more than a great friendship, and love developed. Yes again, there were feelings on both sides, but never acted upon. I still talk to this girl to this day. One of the people that I will always try and keep in touch with.

I bounced around relationship afterwards for a long time. It wasnt until I graduated from College, and met a woman in teh new town I had moved in, did another relationship of this caliber develope. There were romantic feelings, it started off romantically, but ended up as another great friendship. Another, and I might add, the last great friendship with a woman I think I will have. It was at this point, and this woman taught this to me, that I was the guy walking around with his heart on his sleeve. I was to NICE. I still talk with this woman to this day. She helped me to find strength in myself that I never knew I had. She taught me to protect my heart, and only let it go when the moment was right. OOPS.. sorry Anne, (I fked up this last time..) I think Im flying to Arizona this fall to see her. I need a few more tips, and I miss my dear friend.

After that I had some really nice relationships.. I seemed to have a lot more flings though. There were a few girls that I did get serious about. I was never the type of guy that bounced from relationship to relationship. Most of these past experiences were years apart for me. That has always bothered me. Its like my heart at this point has become so afraid of being hurt, it refuses to let anyone in. In between all these relationships were years of rejection, after rejecection, after rejection. I basically tucked my heart away, like my friend taught me, for a while. This was from about age 28, till 35. Now 3 years of that, I spent in isolation in Minnesota, hating being there in the first place. Never gave it a chance.

Fast forward until now. IM 35. I move to North Carolina. Find a new job, 6 months go by, and theres a woman at work thats kinda cool. One thing leads to another, and we end up in a full blown relationship. Still thinking.. protect your heart. You work with this lady... Gotta play it cool. Dont do anything stupid... Just let the relationship go where it goes. 3 months go by and alls well. Still on guard. Then, Valentines day comes along. She has a suprise waiting for me. I know its coming. She wont say... Were sitting at a nice fancy resturaunt. She hands me a picture album, theres 2 pictures in it. The first one is of her and I at Newyears. The second is of her and her Daughter at Christmas. She hands you a letter. It says things like...

I want to fill this album with the memories of our lives together.
You are a very important person in my life.
I want to spend many many more Valentines days together with you..
Its all the little things you do that make me love you so much. You open my door, you wont let go of my hand when you change the station...

I couldnt finish reading the letter because I almost broke down in complete tears. I have never felt, so much unconditional love before. Not like this. Not in a romantic relationship. I was done. In Love. Every single defense I ever had, was blown away. I let her into my Heart

3 months later, I get a call at work, My feelings have changed, I dont love you anymore. I know I said I did, im sorry.

I asked why..

I get told, I want to tell you but I dont want to hurt you.
I never got any more explanation than that.

Im shaken to the core, because it took me until I was 35 to have a feeling that I could spend the rest of my life with somoene, to completely open up, and it blew the **** up in my face. I havent felt this kind of pain in 8 years. This is the first time it seems like it was over something that could have bene worthwhile, but..

Why did it go to **** so quickly?
Why did it take so long to find?
What do I do now?

Im sitting in my house, by myself again.. feeling sorry for myself again... when all I ever wanted, worked for, and waited and tried for, was to have someone to love. WTF am I doing wrong?!?!??!??!?!?!!??!!?

[AriaIncognito]

You've more than likely done nothing wrong, apparently these relationships weren't the "one" youre meant for. I hope to God that all of us that are waiting, are going to be rewarded nicely for our patience and effort. I often wonder why I can't seem to hold onto one I want too, but I have to try to believe there's something better in store for me, or if it was meant to be with an ex, it will be, in some later time/place. For now, we just need to do all we can to deal with our emotions, not ignore them, and keep moving forward. It's hard. It sucks. I hate it too and want to call my ex desperately, but we need to be strong for ourselves.

Keep venting Diver, it will do you good....

Jennifer

[witabix]

I feel for you. This stuff just happens, there is no greater explanation to it.

I never agree with hiding your heart, I always have it on clear view.

It leads to more pain perhaps, but through the pain you learn to bear it better the next time. There will be a next time, I assure you.

I am a little older than you, not much, but I know how hopeless and forlorn you feel. As the years advance cynicism and bitterness can set in. Hopelessness.

You must fight this.

Fight it by thinking of how you acted throughout this. If you, as I suspect you did, acted with dignity and openess then you are not to blame for the fickle nature of others.

It can totally blindside you.

Keep being honest and don't let this experience leave your heart in ruins. Rebuild, stronger and better than before, remember the Six Million Dollar Man?

Suffer it all for a while and then let yourself get over it, it is not your fault that others behave in the way they do.

Believe in yourself.

[fabulousgal]

I have a theory on this:

You say you felt something that you never felt before...that elation, holding hands skipping through fields, you know just pure bliss from another human being being with you.

God can't be that cruel Diver, to let you feel that, and NEVER experience it again. I don't know when or where it'll happen, just have faith that it will.

Thats what keeps me going, ya I have my setbacks (which some very lovely and kindhearted ...<vomiting right now>...people on this forum decided to rip me a new one about. But its a process man. Your going to have nights like this where you wonder WHY GOD why did you take that away, what did i do wrong!!!??? Then you'll feel fine the next. But just try to rationalize with yourself when you have those moments of negativity...you are a nice guy (and they dont finish last damnit), you are emotionally capable of having and giving love, and you'll never be able to reason the actions of your ex. It'll drive you bonkers...i know

Focus on the positives about YOU. People are drawn to those who ooze positivity, and you know your fab deep down, I know you do.

[Diver012]

In all honesty, its not her I miss so much anymore. Her actions at the end of the relationship, the way it was handlded, very coldly, and without consideration of anyone else but herself, actually makes me feel lucky in a strange sort of way. What im struggling with, is the feeling I got from the relationship itself.

I know I need to let my heart heal. I know im not completely over her yet, but im getting there. What still hurts more than anything, is why it took so long to feel that kind of connection with someone, and the fear of when it will happen again.

Im not the type of guy that bounces from relationship to relationship. I never really have been. Ive gone years between Girlfriends. It scares me to look back and see that Ive spent more time being single, than I have been in relationships. It scares me to look forward I face that possibility again.

Thanks for all your replies and support. Ill just keep fighting the good fight...