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How to move on after an affair?


wrecked1970

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wrecked1970

About five months ago, I found out that my wife had an affair. I confronted her. I was a total wrecked. My initial instinct was to boot her, but managed to control myself. I realized then how much I loved her despite not having been there for her in the last nine years (so she claimed). She said that she felt lonely and unloved. She felt abandoned. Then, this man, who was an overseas colleague (Holland), crept into her life. They maintained a long-distance relationship until last September when they both met in India. Subsequent to that, they'd met another time in December.

 

We have been married for nine years. When we first met, we were so in love. We both thought it was made in heaven. We have a couple of great kids. Things were doing fine and then I screw it up.

 

I blame myself. I am also guilty. I had also been caught cheating. At the time, I didn't reacted well. Instead of apologizing, I threatened to leave if she kept on the issue. I knew she loved me then and she worked hard to keep me. Maybe a little bit too hard. Since then, I might have taken her for granted. Maybe a little bit too much.

 

She told me that this man had been there when she was down and I wasn't around. The feeling grew and she fell in love again.

 

Since then the day I found out, she had gone on a business trip and met him again. That was supposed to be the last time before she broke it off. Then, I found out again that she would meet him again on another trip just a few weeks after. We talked about it and she promised that this was going to be the closer. To my surprise, about a couple months thereafter, she was making arrangement to meet him again when she was in India for a conference. I was devastated and the thought of ambushing them did creep up. I just couldn't bring myself to do it and decided to keep it quiet and told her I would come and meet her at the end of her conference. So we did and I was really glad that I had not taken the extreme course.

 

Throughout these times, both of us tried really hard to work on our relationship. I tried to keep sane despite being in total paralysis. At least on my part, I tried to be more attentive and caring. However, my feeling has been an emotional roller coaster.

 

Just about two weeks ago, while I was gone on a business trip, to my disbelief, I again found out that the guy came to visit. I called my wife and told her what I knew. She first denied it but very quickly admitted.

 

I then had a long chat with her. It was not only heartbreaking but also a very expensive chat as it was long-distance. I've yet to get the bill.

 

She said "I don't what I want. I love you and you've been a very good friend. I like him. He's a nice guy and he's been a friend. I don't want to hurt you but I know I do. I don't want to hurt our family." I asked her to end the relationship. In not so many words, she was not ready.

 

Can anyone tell me if there's a chance for us? What is she thinking? Will she come back to me?

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samsungxoxo

Yes, there is a chance if both of you go to couple couseling. She forgave your infidelity without you ever apologizing and well I must assume with time she overpass it, now she must give you time for you to overpass this too. Remember about communictaion with the key towards understanding.

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She is playing you big time. She is getting her cake & eating it too. Her words are meaningless. The only way she will grow & face the consequences is when you hand her those divorce papers. You've tried your best. Stop blaming this all on yourself. There are apparent communication issues here, however her not breaking contact with this OM is the reason why you should IMO call it quits. I don't often recommend that but she has lied to you on numerous occasions about this man and is now saying she will not stop seeing him.

 

You may love her but she is not showing love to you. Quit being her safety net and start giving her some tough love. She fell in love with you because of the confidence you had shown to her. Now you are just rolling over & piddling when it comes to something so critical as your marriage. Continue this path and it will only get worse. You've gave her the ultamatiums and she threw them back into your face by lying. Now it's time for action.

 

The past is just that, the past. People change over time. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. If you want things to change you have to change what you are doing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.

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This is absurd. I agree she is totally playing you. She continues to have a sexual affair and putting your health at risk for STD's. She continues to lie to you and continues to meet up with this other man. Apparently she has no boundaries. She is a cake eater who continues to screw this man behind your back because there are absolutrely no consequences to her actions. She has absolutely no boundaries. No consequences to her actions equals no motivatation to change. Why should she change her behavior when you continue to accept this constant disrespect and humiliation? It is clear she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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pebbles1727

Dear Wrecked1970,

I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm no expert, dealing with my husband's affair for only 3 months now, but here are my two cents. The thing is she probably loves both of you. The affair is usually an indication of something missing in the relationship and/or an individual (her). From what you have said, there are definitely things missing where neither her or your needs are met completely. Your previous transgression was not addressed adequately and my guess is she did not trully forgive you even if she said she did. That made her more vulnerable when someone new came along. If you trully love her and want to be with her, you need to try to relate your feelings to her the best way you can. She is definitely confused about what she wants. Both you and the other man give her what she needs but she has to have both of you to feel fullfilled. Marriage and individual counseling is a good way to start. Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is also a very helpful book that helps me see both sides of the situation. I also don't agree with the notion of tough love or serving her the divorce papers to make her see her wrong ways. Since she is confused allready, you pretty much are making decsion for her. Suggest counseling with the good marriage therapist and both go. You will need to concentrate on the unresolved affair of the past and your current situation followed by addressing general marriage issues. Unfortunately, she will need to break off all of the contact with the other man and that may go as far as no out of town travel or a new job for her. As for will she come back to you, statistically speaking, your odds are very good if both of you make a decision to stay together and work on the relationship and to mitigate the damage that both of you caused to your marriage. That does not mean that both of you have to be 100% committed to this work, because you will not be every day, but need to be committed nonetheless. Good luck to you and your wife. I'm not a proponent of divorce and do believe that if you were happy together once you can be again. At least that's what I'm telling myself today.

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wrecked1970

Dear Pebbles1727,

 

I do agree with you that if we want to work it out we can. What I don't understand right now is her stance. She told me that she loved me but couldn't decide what she wants right now. She seems to be stucked in her confusion and can't get out. I want to help her but I feel helpless myself. We have a couple of great kids and I still want them to have both of us.

 

I guess all I can do is wait and see. At the end of the day, if it has to end, it has to end. I just have to accept it.

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pebbles1727

Dear Wrecked1970,

Her behavior is unfortunately normal. According to many scholars, people who are caught in the adulterous behavior trully cannot make their mind up because she honestly needs both of you. Many therapists equate it to addiction similar to drugs or alcohol. She is probably just as scarried as you are about her future. Statistically speaking, her chances to make it with the other man is only about 10%, and she probably subconsciously

knows it. However, she is also scarried that she screwed it up so badly with you that no amount of effort on her part will undo the damage. You also need to consider that she has your past infedelity to contend with. So, if she still has unresolved issues left from that experience, her fear of not making it with you and you forgiving her can be understood. This is a lot to ask of you to be understanding and compassionate at this time, but what you need to know is that YOU are in control, not she is. Since you know about affair, YOU are the one who needs to make a decision. A lot of people mistakenly think that it is an adulterer who needs to make a choice, but the truth of the matter, she cannot. Think of this as an addiction, she needs help. I strongly recommend a qualified experienced marriage therapist. The only decision she needs to make is a decision about no contact, of any sort with her lover. If she agrees to do it, she needs to write a letter to her lover breaking it off. The letter needs to be to the point and void of anything like "i'll miss you" and "I'll always remember you" The letter needs to be approved by you and can be either regular mail or email. The bottom line is that it needs to be done and it needs to be final. She needs to send it in your presence that you know it is done. Once that's done, she cannot answer any of his attempts to contact her by phone or email. She may need to change a phone number and email address. Her work schedule will need to be changed in a way that she does not make any trips especially to the places that he can easily get to or they met in the past. With my husband, it was an agreement, that he will never (never in his life) will travel to Mexico unless I am with him. It is possible, that she needs to start looking for another job. She may think that this is not fair, but unfortunately it's necessary for two of you to have time to work on your relationship. Once again, I'd recommend Dave Carder's book. He has a wonderful 90 day survival strategy. If she does not agree to no contact, 90 day plan is really great, because it asks her to give you 90 days of both of you working on your marriage and only 90 days on nc with her lover. If in the end of 90 days she is still totally undecided, you can ask her to repeat 90 days and if she is not willing, you can try trial separation for a specified amount of time, not indefinite. All of this does not exclude marital counseling. What you need to be prepared for however, is that once she breaks it off with her lover, she will go through a withdrawal and depression like symptoms, but as long as she mantains nc and avoids any special reminders (photos, rereading his letters, etc.) her withdrawal should subside within a few weeks, and if you continue working on the situation in the meantime it should get better. But remember, nothing about recovery is a quick fix, this may take months and even years to get both of you to where you need to be. None of the above is an excuse for what she has done, but you are in a better position than many of us since you can understand her a little better. She is experiencing similar self esteem and self worth issues as you are right now as she knows she has done wrong and that is also affecting her judgement.

Good Luck and hang in there. Marriage is worth fighting for.

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wrecked1970

Dear Pebbles,

 

Thanks for your advice. At this time, she has not agreed explicitly to stop communicating with the OM. Since he lives far away, I don't see that as being a major threat. She acknowledges though that this will not be healthy for our relationship. To me, it is actually not important whether she continues to make contact with him or not. But it does hurt me more when she lies about it. I don't like to be perceived as a jealous husband. I've come to peace that I'm not even going to ask about him anymore.

 

Since the last episode, I've pulled back as not to be too intrusive about her feeling. Funny how she has reacted. She asked how I was and even said I love you.

 

I'm hanging in there but hope I know what else I can do. Thanks for your advice.

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