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Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?


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I have been married for about eight years. I love my husband, but his physical appearance is gross to me. When we met, he was in shape and he kept it up for quite a while. However, when I became pregnant, he started getting fat. I lost all of my weight shortly after having the baby, but unfortunately the same has not held true for him. When asked about it, he said that he couldn't help it, that he had been eating with me when I was having cravings, and that I was just lucky because my metabolism is faster. Whatever the case, here it is three years later and he still hasn't lost a pound. He is a good 50 lbs overweight, and it is hideous to me. We have even had a discussion about how his appearance affects our sex life (as painful as the conversation was). I had tried to be subtle for a long time, but finally got fed up with it when he got mad because we weren't having sex. I figured maybe if I broke it to him harshly, it would get through his head. Since then, he has started making half-hearted attempts at going to the gym, but it still not really serious about it, I feel. He still sits around and eats fatty stuff all the time (on the rare occasion we have it in the house, as I have stopped buying it and have started buying healthier options to try and be supportive). He wants to lift weights instead of doing cardio, which is what he needs to get rid of the fat.

 

Anyway, I am just really frustrated because I feel like we no longer have any intimacy. I still want sex, just usually not from him. Call me shallow, whatever, but it is hard to get excited at the thought of an obese man all over your body. He tells me that he didn't get married to not have sex, and I told him I didn't marry him with the intention of him letting himself go, either. In my eyes it is a matter of respect - I respect him enough to keep myself looking hot, but it's not reciprocated, and I have about had enough. I don't think it's my duty to have sex with him while he sits around and gets fatter and fatter. Any thoughts on this?

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AManWithTroubles

A bit more info? Does he work a lot of hours? Does he have a strenuous tiring job? I would just like to know if he is too tired to keep up with exercise while dealing with all the other mundane parts of life.

 

Also, some people have psychological reasons for overeating. You might want to take a look into that. I don't have much info on it, but I do know that it exists.

 

Maybe give him a reward/goal oriented path to a healthier body. Being harsh will often cause resentment and force stubbornness, more so than helping. Think about yelling at young children. If I yell at my son to do something, the more I yell, the more he rebels. There are other ways to get him to act. Believe it or not, people really don't grow out of the rebellion act. It's kinda part of us.

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I think you are being a bit harsh here. People do change and I am sure you are not the woman he married in some senses--physical, personality, etc. Just as he is not the man you married.

 

Personally, I would be all defensive if I were your hubby. You are using sex as a weapon and that is not playing fair. Instead of the "your fat so I am not having sex" talk, it might have gone over better to discuss his health--for the sake of the kids and so forth.

 

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are a bit of a perfectionist, and to be honest, he will not be able to maintain his weight, his hardness, or whatever as he ages. Aging together is all about change and adaptation.

 

Did you marry the guy for love? Or was it for his body?

 

AMWT--good points. Do you work outside of the home? If not, I can assure you that he resents that. Is he the breadwinner? Again, if so, he probably feels he is somewhat entitled to be however he wants--in his eyes, you are not bringing that much to the table--especially not sex.

 

I am not meaning to sound like a dick, but I am a divorced man and my ex was a stay at home mom and all of these emotions were ones felt by me.

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Whatever the case is... YOU are handling the situation terribly! You're very insensitive and you already know that you come off as sounding shallow. You should show concern for your husband instead of insults. Try and motivate him instead of embarrasing him. The mere thought of your spouse finding your body to be unappealing must be very hurtful. Sometimes ppl also eat to cope with other issues. Perhaps your harshness is provoking some of this. Try encouragement! Show concern for his health. Let him know you want him around for a long time. Never let him think you find him unattractive.

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I think you are being a bit harsh here. People do change and I am sure you are not the woman he married in some senses--physical, personality, etc. Just as he is not the man you married.

 

Personally, I would be all defensive if I were your hubby. You are using sex as a weapon and that is not playing fair. Instead of the "your fat so I am not having sex" talk, it might have gone over better to discuss his health--for the sake of the kids and so forth.

 

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are a bit of a perfectionist, and to be honest, he will not be able to maintain his weight, his hardness, or whatever as he ages. Aging together is all about change and adaptation.

 

Did you marry the guy for love? Or was it for his body?

 

AMWT--good points. Do you work outside of the home? If not, I can assure you that he resents that. Is he the breadwinner? Again, if so, he probably feels he is somewhat entitled to be however he wants--in his eyes, you are not bringing that much to the table--especially not sex.

 

I am not meaning to sound like a dick, but I am a divorced man and my ex was a stay at home mom and all of these emotions were ones felt by me.

You are right. I'm not the woman he married - I am in even better shape that when we got married. My personality has changed a bit, considering he cheated on me and after I finally agreed to take him back, I was a bit jaded.

 

As I previously mentioned, I tried to be subtle for a long time. I changed our eating habits, I tried to get him to go do stuff outside with me, etc. He wouldn't have it and most of the time wanted to sit on his butt.

 

As for being a perfectionist, I am not. I do, however, think that people should strive to be the best they can at everything. I get tired of people coming up with the excuses for why they are obese - they have a medical issue, they work long hours, blah blah blah. I understand it's hard to lose weight once it's on there, but I did it and have seen others do it as well. It's a matter of taking responsibility for how you have let youself get and then fixing it.

 

I do have a career, as well as being the one who primarily takes care of the house and our child. If he does anything, such as loading the dishwasher or getting our child ready for bed, he acts like he deserve a Nobel prize or something, even though I do it 9 times out of 10 without so much as a thank you.

 

So yes, maybe I am a demanding bitch. But I feel like I have the right to be - he has expressed in the past how much he would hate it if I ever got fat. I feel like I do everything in our relationship and feel like there are standards I am required to meet (admittedly, some are self-imposed, but not all of them), and all I'm asking is this one simple thing - get back in shape and look the way he did when we met, instead of this big fat lazy ass that I see now.

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Depression can play a role in people over eating sometimes too. Maybe he is stressed. I imagine he already knows he is overweight, and I understand you are frustated, however he might not see it like that. He may feel you are coming across as being insensitive. Perhaps be a little more understanding. No you can't make him exercise or eat better, but you can suggest it in a non threating way. If he feels like a scolded 5 year old then chances are you will see little results with him losing weight. He has to want to do it though. Stress and derpession can make one not as motivated as well. Try to imagine if it were you in his shoes and you had the weight issue and not him. Might make you feel bad for him to go about it in a wrong way.

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catgirl1927

Well, I don't think you're being as mean and shallow as all these other people.

 

There was a woman who posted that she gained 45 pounds, and everyone told her if she wanted her husband to find her attractive she'd need to lose weight. Now you have the opposite situation and you're just shallow?

 

I agree that it is a question of respect. It's really more about respect for yourself than for your SO, I think. 50 pounds isn't healthy. Sure he could have emotional reasons for overeating (funny how women on this site can't but men can, huh) but it sounds more like he just does not care. And THAT'S the real problem. I mean, if he were trying to lose weight and having trouble, you would probably feel a lot differently, wouldn't you say?

 

Weights actually will help someone lose fat. That's a myth, that is has to be cardio. But if he's half-assing his workouts, it really doesn't matter what he's doing.

 

You didn't get married not to have sex, either. I'm betting if you had porked up and stayed that way, he'd be on here talking about it.

 

Unfortunately, weight loss is so internal that no one can MAKE someone else lose weight. But you are not wrong to expect your SO not to blow up and not care how you feel.

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lovelifelots

ok i think you arnt being shallow at all!!! you made an effort to lose your baby wieght and lets face it!! you actually had a reason to put on weight in the first place! he didnt!...... i myself would find my husband gross, if he gained that much weight and i dont think you're shallow at all...... he knows you find him unattractive and yet does nothing about it? thats just stupid in my eyes..... i mean.... if my man said... hey you are getting fat and i dont foind it attractive!! then dam right i would tone up... and fast... especially if i still cared for him. Seems to me, that your husband thinks that... now you are married and have a child, he can let himself go! WRONG decision... i think basically he thinks that you will stay no matter what!..... i feel sorry for you hun and i sympathise with you totally

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Man! What a change-up this post is to the norm! By all means, your husband should lose weight, for many valid reasons including how he looks to you. But to not want to have sex or be affectionate with him AT ALL because of 50 pounds? Yeah, that's pretty shallow. If you were a man, they'd already be finding a rope for you. That's a sizable belly mind you, but not exactly morbidly obese. Usually, we love our spouses enough to get by pyhsical shortcomings, at least in the short run. It will take a year to lose that kind of weight and stay healthy. Regardless, being disgusted isn't something a normal person feels for their spouse. You seem to lack love and empathy for him. That's a bad sign, and much worse for the relationship than 50 pounds of bodyfat.

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Well, I don't think you're being as mean and shallow as all these other people.

 

There was a woman who posted that she gained 45 pounds, and everyone told her if she wanted her husband to find her attractive she'd need to lose weight. Now you have the opposite situation and you're just shallow?

 

I agree that it is a question of respect. It's really more about respect for yourself than for your SO, I think. 50 pounds isn't healthy. Sure he could have emotional reasons for overeating (funny how women on this site can't but men can, huh) but it sounds more like he just does not care. And THAT'S the real problem. I mean, if he were trying to lose weight and having trouble, you would probably feel a lot differently, wouldn't you say?

 

Weights actually will help someone lose fat. That's a myth, that is has to be cardio. But if he's half-assing his workouts, it really doesn't matter what he's doing.

 

You didn't get married not to have sex, either. I'm betting if you had porked up and stayed that way, he'd be on here talking about it.

 

Unfortunately, weight loss is so internal that no one can MAKE someone else lose weight. But you are not wrong to expect your SO not to blow up and not care how you feel.

 

I think the overall point here is man or woman, you love your mate (whom you'd promised to love FOREVER) for who they are and not only what they look like. If you want them to lose weight you the method you choose in approaching them is what is important. As you said, the person must want to do it for themselves.

Bottom line...You attract more bees with honey!

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Man! What a change-up this post is to the norm! By all means, your husband should lose weight, for many valid reasons including how he looks to you. But to not want to have sex or be affectionate with him AT ALL because of 50 pounds? Yeah, that's pretty shallow. If you were a man, they'd already be finding a rope for you. That's a sizable belly mind you, but not exactly morbidly obese. Usually, we love our spouses enough to get by pyhsical shortcomings, at least in the short run. It will take a year to lose that kind of weight and stay healthy. Regardless, being disgusted isn't something a normal person feels for their spouse. You seem to lack love and empathy for him. That's a bad sign, and much worse for the relationship than 50 pounds of bodyfat.

 

Well said Kenyth!

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AManWithTroubles

Yeah, well my wife's thighs aren't exactly model's thighs anymore. And she has some hanging skin from giving birth to twins. And then there's the freckles. Why do I even bother?

 

Oh, because I love her. I accept that age changes people. Yes, there's always room for improvement, but I'm never going to stop looking at my wife, or stop wanting her, just because of physical changes. And I was never one of those men on this forum who claimed differently.

 

I am beginning to think that women really are shallow. My wife keeps hinting at my need to lose my gut, but it's not that easy. And I'm 5'9" wearing a size 33 jeans, weighing in at about 170 lbs. Far from obese, but there is a bit of a gut there. However, I have a physical problem that keeps me from doing most abdominal exercises. And I refuse to put myself on prescription pain killers. Yet, I think she really finds the gut that she helped create to be disgusting. Before I met her, I had a flat abdomen. She fed me all the good food, dangitt.

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An attractive spouse is one of the primary emotional needs as explained on marriagebuilders.com.

 

I can sympathize because I went through this. My exhusband was about 100 lbs overweight. I have pretty much maintained my weight over the years despite having had two children. I actually even lost weight even after I lost the baby weight with my last one.

 

I tried putting it to him health wise- multiple times- so did his family- I tried exercising and getting him to do it with me. I tried telling him to get out and exercise and providing the time- paying for the gym membership. His parents even tried bribing him with a vacation. None of it worked.

 

That alone wouldn't have been enough for me to leave him. But that combined with his neglect and staying away from home all the time it was.

 

Perhaps a counselor or pastor could put it to him honestly??

 

My pastor actually told my H that I was turned off by him because he was overweight and that he needed to lose some.

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catgirl1927

Gaining 50 pounds is completely different from stretch marks and cellulite.

 

Women are shallow? If this poster were a man, you'd be telling him he has every right to stop having sex with his wife and even have an affair. At the very least he should go get a couple of lap dances and there wouldn't be anything at all wrong with it, would there? But because she's a woman, she's not allowed to be visual? The double standards on this site are unbelievable.

 

She obviously cares about him or she'd LEAVE him. She doesn't want to leave him, she loves him, she wants him to care how she feels. It's so unfair to say that a woman has to stay thin and a man is just being oh-so-kind to put up with her imperfections, but if a man porks up it's totally ok and she's just a bitch. WOW.

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whichwayisup

Look, you have to decide whether or not you can get past his weight. I think you can if you really want to. SO he's put on afew pounds and he has a gut. It happens. Does he still smell the same? Do you still feel intimate feelings for you? It just can't be on the visual...It has to be emotional too.

 

My hubby put on afew extra pounds, more than he would like and it BUGS him, doesn't bother me at all. I am just as attracted to him now as I was before...He feels the same, smells the same and kisses me the same as before too. It's not alot of weight, hardly noticable at all.

 

So, try cooking better meals for him. Go on low carb diet food. More fruit, veggies and less sugar.

 

Go on walks together in the evening. Do yoga together. Make HIM feel good about himself. Just like if you were putting the weight on, you'd want HIS love and support.

 

Just because he's a man, doesn't mean that he isn't feeling insecure. Maybe he feels bad because of his weight too.

 

Love him for who he is, encourage him to lose some weight for HEALTH issues, not so he can look sexy and attractive to you.

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AManWithTroubles

To catgirl: You're not getting it are you. I said that my wife is not perfect and that I'm ok with it. Her thighs get rounder, her ass gets wider, yet I keep on lovin' her. I never would tell another guy to drop his woman or to go get a lapdance.

 

We are supposed to be more visual as men, but from what I have noticed, we accept even our women's imperfections more so than they do. A woman cares more about how she looks than her own man does. Why?

 

I'm saying that being cruel and nasty is no way to treat your spouse, if you are trying to get him to better him/her self. People don't function well under the extra stress and pressure. It usually causes people to lock up and fall further into their problems.

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Just because he's a man, doesn't mean that he isn't feeling insecure. Maybe he feels bad because of his weight too.

 

Love him for who he is, encourage him to lose some weight for HEALTH issues, not so he can look sexy and attractive to you.

 

This is the point that some of you are continuing to miss. Lets stop making it a gender issue. Husband or wife, woman or man...YOU MUST HANDLE THE SITUATION APPROPRIATELY! You must show sensitivity toward your spouse.

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worriedsick

I feel that in a relationship, both partners need to try and keep themselves as attractive as possible. I hate that people get comfortable and turn into fat-asses. I am in the same boat - I have gotten in even better shape since I got married, but my hubby got fat and lazy. He has a gigantic gut and big bitch-titties, so that when we do have sex, the only places on his body I touch him are his face, his shoulders, and his "nether regions". I can't stand to touch the fat as it grosses me out, and if he wants sex from me, that's the price that he has to pay. I know it sounds totally harsh, but I just can't stand it. He expects me to look good for him but he never returns the favor. Therefore, I don't feel like I "owe" him sex - if I'm not in the mood, then it doesn't happen. I too have had discussions with him before about his weight, very concerned and nice at first, but after those didn't work, I started being more and more blatant about my disgust for his body. Why does everyone get so lazy when they settle down????

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catgirl1927
To catgirl: You're not getting it are you. I said that my wife is not perfect and that I'm ok with it. Her thighs get rounder, her ass gets wider, yet I keep on lovin' her. I never would tell another guy to drop his woman or to go get a lapdance.

 

We are supposed to be more visual as men, but from what I have noticed, we accept even our women's imperfections more so than they do. A woman cares more about how she looks than her own man does. Why?

 

I'm saying that being cruel and nasty is no way to treat your spouse, if you are trying to get him to better him/her self. People don't function well under the extra stress and pressure. It usually causes people to lock up and fall further into their problems.

 

The point is, the changes in your wife's physical appearance come from age, not from her just not giving a crap what she looks like. To stop loving someone because they get older is shallow. But when someone just packs on weight because they are lazy, well, I don't particularly find laziness attractive.

 

Telling this guy she needs him to lose weight is no different that telling a woman she needs to lose weight. She tells her husband she doesn't find him attractive and she's a bitch. A guy tells his wife to lose weight and he's noble for not cheating and she needs to slim up quick or else.

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whichwayisup
People don't function well under the extra stress and pressure. It usually causes people to lock up and fall further into their problems.

 

So true.

 

I can compare this to quitting smoking. The more my hubby comments about me smoking (if he isn't encouraging me) or makes some snappy comment like " Why are having another one? You just had one 20 mins ago..." Makes me wanna smoke MORE. Maybe out of spite, but also because he is my husband, NOT my father. Noone likes to be told what to do and how to do it. That just makes one want to rebel and do the opposite.

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catgirl1927

And, why should a woman not care what she looks like? Why is her husband's opinion so much more important than hers?

 

You are certainly not the only person who thinks this. It's like people think women should get their self image and self esteem from their SOs. That's ridiculous.

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whichwayisup
I have gotten in even better shape since I got married, but my hubby got fat and lazy. He has a gigantic gut and big bitch-titties, so that when we do have sex,

 

See? By desribing in that way is rude and disrespectful. Imagine HIM saying those things about you? What if it were him writing those words and you saw what he said! Wouldn't you be hurt and pissed off?

 

Encourage him to lose weight, (I feel like a broken record) and get him to eat healthier. Exercise TOGETHER, join a gym, go for walks. When you cook meals, do less portion and keep to non-fatty foods. Smaller meals throughout the day instead of 3 BIG meals.

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AManWithTroubles

Yes, catgirl, we can call it age, but if she goes out and runs 3 miles a day, I'm sure those thighs could slim down quite a bit. And why does everyone have to call it laziness. We didn't even hear about how many hours he works in a week, and such. My wife, when she was trying to work out during her little escapades, tried to make me feel like s*** for not working out. Well, guess what. I commuted more in one week than she worked. Ok, that's a bit of a stretch, but sometimes life is such a drain, that there really isn't much left for exercise. Especially when you're already down and in the dumps. And having people dump on you at that point does not help one bit. It takes care. And it should be more of an issue with his health than anything.

 

I'm glad whichwayisup is on the right page here. Also, sometimes for exercise, it's a matter of finding something fun. I find it boring to run, jog, or go hang out on a treadmill. So I picked up mountain biking, which is tons of fun for me. I happen to live in upstate NY right now, so my season is shorter, but I throw my bike on a stationary trainer through the cold season, and try to force myself on there, while listening to music. But once the rain and cold weather is gone, I'm out on the trails, having the time of my life, while taking care of my body. So try to be creative and nice, and find something that he can enjoy doing while losing weight.

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worriedsick
See? By desribing in that way is rude and disrespectful. Imagine HIM saying those things about you? What if it were him writing those words and you saw what he said! Wouldn't you be hurt and pissed off?

 

Encourage him to lose weight, (I feel like a broken record) and get him to eat healthier. Exercise TOGETHER, join a gym, go for walks. When you cook meals, do less portion and keep to non-fatty foods. Smaller meals throughout the day instead of 3 BIG meals.

 

I would never dream of saying that directly to him - the discussion we did have about his weight was very well thought out on my part, with my best effort made not to hurt his feelings. However, nothing has come of it and I am getting frustrated. My words in this post are the result of that - at least I say them in an anonomous way instead of finally losing it and venting at him and saying that.

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If a man told a woman "look hun you are getting pretty fat and I am not gonna have sex with you till you lose it" she would flip the f*** out! She would pull the oh till death do us part card, she would say fine and he would go looking for it on the side.

 

I stand by my initial post--you are not looking at the person you are looking at the body. And to Catfightgirl--weight is a symptom of age as well. Men are fit young, flabby middle and then lose in old age. Women too. I am curious now if there is an age difference--maybe she is still young wnough to be buff and he is older.

 

You women drive me nuts--you want your cake and to be able to eat it too!

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