I recently posted that MM is seriously considering leaving his wife because he didn't want to lose me (I was seriously dating, and thus starting to lose interest in MM). We've had our affair for almost 6 months now.
Last week, I told MM it was over. But he pleaded with me to give him until July to leave his wife. He said, "I've only been considering leaving her for 3 weeks...I need to get used to the idea and I want us to talk more about what our future would look like."
Yup, he gave himself an ultimatum. He said if he doesn't leave in July, then I should dump him because it means he doesn't love me enough and never will.
I almost fell off my chair - only 2 months ago, I would have laughed if someone suggested he would even think about leaving his wife. In fact, it was such an outlandish idea that I decided to date other men rather than even think about it.
That's what's so interesting about our affair. 2 months ago, I started dating other men, and enjoyed myself. I lost interest in JF.
When JF figured this out, he wasn't pleading for me to take him back. I had never ended things. Instead, he was pleading for me to fall back in love with him. He was so afraid I would fall in love with this awesome, single guy I had been seeing regularly.
So...I'm giving JF until July because I will regret it if I leave now. I am very comfortable with my choice. While there are no guarantees, and I have my moments of doubt - I know I will be ok no matter what choice he makes.
In 2 months, we will no longer be in an affair. We will either be broken off, or in a real relationship.
I still can't believe that he is pushing it foward like this.
If you want to see how sincere this guy is about being with you, you will want to tell him that you want no contact of any way, shape or form until he brings you signed and notarized divorce papers. You don't have to worry about messing up your chances with MM because I can pretty much guarantee you that if he is serious about leaving his wife, he will - particularly if he knows that he can't have you at all - not even to talk to as long as he is married.
But... the chances of him actually leaving are slim - so continue to date that awesome single guy you mentioned. Who knows... you may even end up happy enough to not really care when MM renegs on his end of the deal.
If he actually leaves his wife and divorces her, cross that bridge when you get there but right now don't throw away opportunities you have for something that is so uncertain.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
NC is a very effective tactic in general. But currently, it may not be the right one to use in my situation.
My impression is that JF has given up on his wife. The next 2 months is not about whether to leave her...it's about whether to come to me.
If it were the former, NC would be perfect. But right now, he is really scared.
He has verbalized, several times, that he is very worried that I will eventually leave him. He is also worried that we won't be happy together.
He is also scared of hurting his wife, son...and yes, himself.
I don't think NC will help anyone. If I put myself in his shoes - would I want to go to a woman who cuts off contact with me when what I want most is reassurance that she will be there for me?
He already knows I can happily date other men. He knows these guys will still be around in 2 months. He knows awesome single guy will be around in 2 months. It's only 2 months - I won't be losing anyone. I don't need to prove that my life will immediately move on.
At this point, I'm focused on my actions, so I won't regret anything no matter the outcome. That means acting with as much dignity and strength as possible. So, while there is a helluva lot more risk being open and loving during the next 2 months...I am comfortable with it. Again, no matter what, I will be ok.
My impression is that JF has given up on his wife. The next 2 months is not about whether to leave her...it's about whether to come to me.
That is your impression, not his.
Problem is, he has to do NC with you to see how HIS life is without you. The fair thing for him to do is, separate with his wife, be in NC with you - And then let him be on his own for afew months, to see how HIS life goes, without two women in his life. Him ending his marriage and ending up with you is NOT a secure thing for him which is why he isn't leaving his wife. It's not a sure bet that things will workout between you two - give up his life, everything that he has worked for, money, a house, friends, family, inlaws...etc...etc...All for you. So, he needs time to weigh this around and see if it's all worth giving up...
Just if he is going to leave his wife, he also should be prepared to be on his own incase you two don't work and he doens't go running back home to his wife for another chance...That is what most MM do after things aren't going well between them and the OW - They want their old life back...
I don't know what to tell ya, it's your life but just be sure this is it! If the time comes and he bails on you, DO NOT WAIT FOR him to make another broken promise to you. End it and move on.
Yup, he gave himself an ultimatum. He said if he doesn't leave in July, then I should dump him because it means he doesn't love me enough and never will.
bad thing with in 2 months time you might fall totally in love with him and it will hurt so much more when he doesn't leave.
I think if I would have ended things with my MM sooner..I actually might have been with him...but we weren't on the same page...I had to catch up and now that I have he isn't gonna go anywhere *tsk*
I'm with others who think that he's unlikely to do anything in the next two months. He says he's decided to leave, but:
Quote:
Originally Posted by yesmaybe
He has verbalized, several times, that he is very worried that I will eventually leave him. He is also worried that we won't be happy together.
He is also scared of hurting his wife, son...and yes, himself.
He sounds like he is still nowhere near actually leaving... too many things he's worrying about here. And some of them are... you.
It sounds too much to me like he's trying to convince you (has succeeded too) that you need to be there for him while he makes his mind up if you're the one for him. Hmm. So you have to stop dating others, keep in contact with him... and prove something to him?
What happens at the end of July, when he's still not absolutely sure? Because I doubt he will be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yesmaybe
I don't think NC will help anyone. If I put myself in his shoes - would I want to go to a woman who cuts off contact with me when what I want most is reassurance that she will be there for me?
I used to think like that too. My MM decided to leave when I told him that I couldn't continue the affair because it was affecting my health. I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him while he told her. Initially he said yes, he wanted to talk to me more about it. And I did try... so hard... to stay there for him. But he was going home 'to tell her tonight' for too long... and in he end he told me that it was actually me being there for him, supporting him, being sympathetic when he hadn't managed it, that was stopping him doing anything!!!
So, 3 and a half weeks ago, he said... that if he was ever going to get round to it, we had to do the NC thing! I was OK with that because my nerves were shot to pieces and our conversations were just not happy ones at all!
So... back to you! I really think you need to do more than just hang around while he ponders. Keep dating, keep on with your life. Cut back on contact if you can't cut it off. It doesn't mean you've abandoned him! But it will make him move a lot quicker, if he's going to.
Oh, also... if he's going to leave his M, he needs to be doing that for HIM, and because the M is no longer workable. NOT because you'll be there for him. You can't guarantee him that you'll always want him... can you?
There are no guarantees in this situation either way. Even if he decides the leave the marriage, I agree with sami, he should be doing it because he'd be better off alone. Let him have time alone, see how his life IS without ANY woman for him to be with. And if things do work out between you two, who knows in the future if the guilt would be too much for him, or being away from his kids...he could always end up going back. Or your relationship could be good for a long time...Or not - It could have problems, trust issues - Like he left his wife for you, so who's to say he'll not do the same to you and have another "OW" with you??
Time to not sit and wait for him, LIVE your life, and don't put the ball in his court so much.
Yes, WWIU... that is another reason I'm happy about doing NC.
MM needs time to decide for himself that his M is over... he needs to make that decision, and implement it, without me breathing down his neck about it.
I know my MM isn't the type to blame me for something he did... but I do think that there is the possibility of resentment and regrets... and (even internalised, unspoken, not quite realised) blame later if the OW is there tapping her watch waiting for him to leave.
I know that always bothered me, and it's why I never did put in an ultimatum or time-limit until he more or less asked for it... I felt backed into a corner about it. (of course that was partly because I was scared he'd not stick to the time limit and then I'd have to get all harsh about things ... I'm rambling )
OK--everyone seems to be doing great with NC except me...
I thought I was going to be fine today but the flood gates have opened again. Its day 18 for me. I guess I didn't think HE would make it this long since we've attempted NC so many other times and never made it past four or five days. Somewhere in my mind I've been holding onto hope that he wouldn't be able to do it.
But, you know what...he is able to do it.
He is fully able to go on without me and be seemingly fine.
I keep thinking there is a way to grieve this the "right" way so I won't hurt anymore. The grief isn't leaving. How are all of you able to do this so well? I'm not going to contact him because I honestly don't think he would talk to me and that would hurt too much to stand. But, I am tired of swimming
How do I do it..? I don't know... a combination of tactics (some of which I've written about on here... I also keep a diary and put all my rubbish thoughts, angst, positive self-talk and circular reasoning with myself in there!... it reads like an argument between 4 or 5 discontented people, that's how messy my mind is!!!). I also trust that I won't feel like **** ALL the time. And I don't.
Stick with it. You are at the absolute critical point at the moment, I think. I have done NC before, and it was day 17 when I thought.. no, I can't do this any longer. So I texted him. To his credit he texted back, 'yes you can'. But... I couldn't and I asked him to ring me, which he did. Part of that was the absolute fear that when he said that I could stick with it it wasn't because he wanted me to stick with it for US... but because he had decided he wanted me out of his life. It wasn't true, but I SO worried that he did. It's just the mind playing tricks!
Two days later I was with him. And... he was overjoyed, he wanted to buy Champagne... and all I could think was, what are we celebrating..? I felt absolutely awful for being so weak. For ages afterwards I thought I couldn't bring up the idea of him leaving, because I felt I'd failed. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED seeing him again... but I had achieved nothing, really. I thought... he didn't give in, didn't leave her and call me... didn't care
I look back now and I realise that I did learn a lot, and that little practice NC has helped me to cope this time. I'll tell you something... after 17 long, long, looooong days of NC he said to me that:
I hadn't given him enough time to even start thinking about doing it
Two weeks is nothing. You can't possibly know what's going through his mind. It WILL be different than you think... their early days of NC are FAR easier than ours... because they are wondering... will we cave..? It hasn't hit home to them yet... LOTS more time is needed...
I keep thinking there is a way to grieve this the "right" way so I won't hurt anymore. The grief isn't leaving. How are all of you able to do this so well? I'm not going to contact him because I honestly don't think he would talk to me and that would hurt too much to stand. But, I am tired of swimming
There isn't a way you can get round the grief. Just let it come, sob... and then recover... and keep swimming again until the grief and fear comes back... then deal with it then.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
)
Linear Mode
