I love my wife but I am no longer attracted to her physically...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and have been very happy and still very much enjoy one another’s company. The problem I am having is I no longer find my wife physically attractive.
When I met my wife she was 18 years old 5’6” and with a very slender build. She has the nicest green eyes with a beautiful smile and enjoys life to the fullest. Her attitude towards life is intoxicating. It is hard for anyone not to like her.
Since we got married she have put on a lot of weight, she has slowly put it on but nonetheless, she has put it on. She has easily put on 80 pounds. I love her with all my heart but when I touch her I do not get the same physical response I used to. I find myself fantasying about other women when we are together.
I never considered myself superficial but I guess I am. I have been considering telling her how I feel but I don’t want to hurt her. I know that if I do bring it up she will be crushed. I need some guidance and advice. If everyone has any insight I would greatly appreciate it.
Why don't you encourage her to eat better and start exercising? Are you in good shape? What do you do for exercise? Maybe you should try to include her in your activities? Sign her up at your gym?
Also encourage her to get bloodwork done. My older sister is 32 and was about 40 lbs. overweight but her triglycerides were in the 800s!! She could have had a stroke! In 3 months she lost 50 lbs. and looks thinner than me!
I would bring it up as a health issue, personally. I don't exercise or eat well because I want to be thin, I do it to be healthy. To make my body more functional so I can do the things I like to do. IMO it's always a mistake to frame weight loss as an aesthetic thing. It should always be about being healthier and functioning better, and not putting yourself at risk for those longterm chronic issues that being overweight can cause.
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Well, it is natural to be visual especially when it comes to sex. I am a woman and my husband has been piling up weight over the past 4 years. I have been telling him to eat better, exercise, etc. Like every one else trying to 'diet', he was only getting bigger. Long story short, what finally did it for him: he realized how fat he was. He realized that I was not attracted to him when he was so fat. He has lost over 20# in the last 5 months.
I don't know what will work for your W, but SHE has to be the one to want to do it. No cajoling or nagging from you will work. Maybe get a subsription to a fitness magazine, and she can read about sucess stories. Good luck.
Why don't you encourage her to eat better and start exercising? Are you in good shape? What do you do for exercise? Maybe you should try to include her in your activities? Sign her up at your gym?
Also encourage her to get bloodwork done. My older sister is 32 and was about 40 lbs. overweight but her triglycerides were in the 800s!! She could have had a stroke! In 3 months she lost 50 lbs. and looks thinner than me!
I would bring it up as a health issue, personally. I don't exercise or eat well because I want to be thin, I do it to be healthy. To make my body more functional so I can do the things I like to do. IMO it's always a mistake to frame weight loss as an aesthetic thing. It should always be about being healthier and functioning better, and not putting yourself at risk for those longterm chronic issues that being overweight can cause.
I have tried to encourage her to eat better and start excercising. I workout 3-4 times a week at a local gym and I have invited her to join me on many occasions.
I understand what you are talking about when you say it is a health issue but how can I say that when her doctor doesn't bring it up?
Start slow. After supper, start going out for evening walks together. Each night (if it's not raining), go further and pick up the pace.
Sign up for a yoga classes together. Pick an evening or a day on the weekend to go. Not only is this good for your bodies, it's great for the mind and soul too. It may make HER feel better.
I'd like to point out, I'm sure she is unhappy about her body. She probably is aware that you don't find her sexually attractive...So, I think telling her that you aren't attracted to her should not happen. Instead, work with her, tell her that it's healthier to be active, that it will be fun - Be positive about it! If she does by chance, bring up the fact that you may not find her sexually attractive, don't agree or disagree - Just gently mention to her that SHE needs to feel good about herself and her body.
It's an awful circle, really. You feel bad because you've put on a few pounds. You eat to comfort yourself. You feel worse because you feel ugly and fat, and you know you're not doing anything about it. So you eat MORE for comfort. You have a bad day, you can't use sex to get rid of the bad feelings because you feel ugly, so you eat something. Man, it sucks. At 80 pounds, to lose weight and feel good about herself and do it safely is going to take at least a year. It's just a huge thing, it's intimidating.
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I don't agree with the whole help her loose weight by working out with her thing, if it eats up your time doing something else when you are not the one with the weight problem.
I did this with my ex and I ended up being the one loosing all the weight and she stayed the same and bitched the whole time, while still eating like there was no problem.
Be supportive, yes.
Be kind, patient and understanding, yes. But I don't see why the person without the weight problem has to suffer.
To lead by example?
I don't think so. If both are fat and need to loose weight then by all means tackle the issue together. But the person with the problem has to want to change if not for them selves then for the health of the relationship.
If it's that much of a problem and is causing harm to your relationship, talk with her about it. Be as nice as you can but be honest with your self.
One thing to know is that, when you are on a workout regime that includes cardio vascular conditioning, your libido rises, and your sexual satisfaction as well. You could playfully include that info in your next sexual encounter with your wife. Good luck!!!
__________________ You can agonize until your agony is your heaviest load ~ Indigo Girls
Anytime a person puts on an excessive amount of weight, their energy level is going to be affected in a negative way.
You have listed a great many things that you admire about her. She will only change when SHE is ready! I think you sound like a kind and caring husband.
Men are generally very visual, so it must be hard to get past this. Since you love her dearly, I suggest just fantasizing big time in order to keep yourself connected to her physically.
One thing to know is that, when you are on a workout regime that includes cardio vascular conditioning, your libido rises, and your sexual satisfaction as well. You could playfully include that info in your next sexual encounter with your wife. Good luck!!!
I would be careful with this one. You're a VERY confident person, luvmy2ns, and so might his wife be, but I know if I were having sex and a guy said, hey, if you got your fat ass on the treadmill our sex life would be better, I would die!!! Not that he'd really say that, but chances are she's pretty sensitive about her weight anyway, esp if he works out and she doesn't. If you have low self esteem, when you're naked is not when you want to hear that you need to lose weight...
The thing is, she is the ONLY one who can make this choice. She has to WANT to lose the weight, enough that it's important enough to make HUGE sacrifices. IT's such a tough situation for the H here, because anything he says could possibly make her feel worse about herself and trigger a binge.
Of course, I have deep seated issues with my weight, well chronicled here on LS. She might just need some help readjusting her diet and maybe a little more activity. It might not be that big a deal to her at all!
One way or another, it is essential for you to let your wife know that:
1) you love her deeply, for all the reasons you describe, and
2) her weight is interfering with your love life.
She is your life partner and you must not withhold this important information, despite your fears for her reaction. She really needs to hear what this means to you.
Also please see His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It may be "shallow" to want your sex partner to be attractive to you physically...but it is a FACT for you. (Also for me and many/most other people.)
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
I would be careful with this one. You're a VERY confident person, luvmy2ns, and so might his wife be, but I know if I were having sex and a guy said, hey, if you got your fat ass on the treadmill our sex life would be better, I would die!!! Not that he'd really say that, but chances are she's pretty sensitive about her weight anyway, esp if he works out and she doesn't. If you have low self esteem, when you're naked is not when you want to hear that you need to lose weight...
The thing is, she is the ONLY one who can make this choice. She has to WANT to lose the weight, enough that it's important enough to make HUGE sacrifices. IT's such a tough situation for the H here, because anything he says could possibly make her feel worse about herself and trigger a binge.
Of course, I have deep seated issues with my weight, well chronicled here on LS. She might just need some help readjusting her diet and maybe a little more activity. It might not be that big a deal to her at all!
I agree that the approach would have to be very tactful and well thought out. It sounds like something needs to happen, though, 'cause like I told a colleague of mine the other day when he asked me why, with all I've got, I don't have some rich guy, "Money's not everything. I gotta wanna do him." lol That's why all the mulling over the situation with the older guy on the other thread I started - with a very BADLY thought out title. lol
Trust me when I say that I think your wife knows that her weight is an issue. The pressure is on for overweight folks to lose the pounds - just look at the media, with the "biggest loser" type television shows. It's being pushed at us 24/7.
I also have weight issues, and have managed to lose 27 pounds on my own since the beginning of the year - simply by changing what I ate, and doing a semi-regular walking program. Instead of reaching for something like chips or pretzels, I made a choice to eat fruit and vegetables. I cut out red meat (that was a lot of my problem right there!), and reduced my intake of potatoes and pasta, while increasing my consumption of rice and whole grains.
I live in the downtown area of a major city, so I ended up selling my car, and now I walk everywhere - to work, to the grocery store, up and down stairs all day long, absolutely everywhere. It's helped. And over time, I felt pretty damned good - not only because I was losing weight, but I was getting fit.
If you try improving eating habits, I think everyone in the family needs to do this, not just her. It's not going to make her feel any better when she's snacking on an apple, while everyone else gets the ice cream. That's not too fair and it's not going to make her feel good.
The one thing that I keep in mind, while I'm losing weight, is this: I'm not exercising to be thin, I am exercising to be physically FIT. For a long time, I just reaffirmed this to myself, over and over. "Fit, not thin.... fit, not thin..." And it works. I made that deal with myself that I wasn't going to throw a hissy if I didn't lose 5 pounds that week. If I did, fabulous, but if not, at least I took steps to make sure that my health was better. Perhaps this method of thinking would also help your wife out, as it did me.
Lastly, I think that while you're being honest with yourself about your wife's looks no longer being as attractive to you, perhaps you do need to look at the bigger picture. We all lose our physical attractiveness over time, whether it's by weight or by age (wrinkles) or by health problems, whatever. Who's to say that this issue won't come up again when her hair goes gray? Or when she gets that first major wrinkle? It's okay to say that you're not attracted by the extra weight - a lot of people aren't - but I would assume that you're with your wife for more reasons than that. Focus on those other reasons - and then tell your wife that you want her to be healthier so that you can enjoy those other things that make you love her so much.
We all lose our physical attractiveness over time, whether it's by weight or by age (wrinkles) or by health problems, whatever. Who's to say that this issue won't come up again when her hair goes gray? Or when she gets that first major wrinkle?- pde.
We ALL age, but we don't all put on 80 pounds, so there isn't that 'relative' thing blurring your eyesight with the weight issue like there would be with wrinkles. I feel it's part of caring about your partner to want to remain desirable to them, within reason. It's very plain the OP loves his wife deeply, but I can't blame him for needing to feel sexually attracted to his woman.
I have a guy friend who was getting quite a belly on him when we were together. He'd eat two plateloads of food at dinner, then tell me how stuffed and miserable he was. He'd then lay in bed later with these hideous gastrointestinal noises going on 'cause he ate way too much, and then lay there and wish he had ice cream. Then he'd wanna have sex, and I'd think, "Geez, if I let him get on top, is he gonna lose his lunch on me?" Yuck! Sorry if that sounds brutal, but fer cryin' in the rain! Have a little self-control!
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Not that he'd really say that, but chances are she's pretty sensitive about her weight anyway, esp if he works out and she doesn't. If you have low self esteem, when you're naked is not when you want to hear that you need to lose weight...
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