BS's... do you ever wonder?

[OzGirl]

Hi,

 

Just curious if there's any BS's willing to post in here....

 

My question is, after you take back your H to work on your M, and it's going 'well'... is that usually better than before you found out about the A? Or, is "well" defined as the same, but he's just not out porking someone else?

 

Second question: Most OW here who have left the affair situation, seem to really be happier within themselves for doing so. That is, they've dealt with the reasons they may have 'settled' for a MM. Do any BS's feel they're compromising a part of themselves to take back their H? That they have lowered the ideal standard of partner they wished they had?

 

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead? Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

OW seem to be so, eventually, repulsed by the same man another woman took back for knowing about the same situation that repulsed the OW. OW also seem to feel really strong and triumphant and REALLY free to 'grow' and move in a way that defines who they are in a really good way. Do BS's get these opportunities by staying?

[OzGirl]

Just to clarify - I'm not at all insinuating you 'ought' to feel what I've questioned... I really am just genuinely curious about how you end up feeling within the privacy of your own heart and head when the dust has settled.

 

Thanks

[lovernotafighter]

Oz

 

I was a BS and now a OW..I have to ask myself..is my husband cheating part of why I'm cheating myself...I know for a fact it's not a revenge thing but maybe because he let me down and honestly we never repaired anything.

 

I didn't kick him out or even get that pissed off at him..in fact I seen it coming cause my own emptiness. now I'm cheating for the same reason I suppose..nothings changed except the fact I finally see we should have broken up years ago.

 

so to answer your question in all honesty when I stayed with my husband I felt like I was wasting my time and not till I asked him for a divorce did I feel like a weight has lifted off me...but then Crap I fell in love with my MM...jumping from the frying pan into the fire here Oz

[OzGirl]

I guess that's my question in a way - is a BS settling for someone who has the same level of weakness she does, in some way?

 

I know the same can be said of the OW - but I'm only referring to the "now", not the past (when a wayward spouse is still cheating). The OW here (myself included) seem to really benefit within themselves for the affair ending, despite the pain.

 

I wonder if BS's get that opportunity to feel that, too, within themselves whilst every day there is someone either trying to compensate for the past, or despite their past, things are the same as they always were.

 

I imagine it must be hard, and to be honest, my actual opinion on this is I think it's unfortunate they don't get the chance to 'find' a better place within themselves... rather than taking the safe option of defining what's 'newfound' by their marriage. I am probably wrong? Hence asking from the people who know.

 

LNAF - no woman, no matter what the deal is that got them to a point of 'weakness' deserves to be there. They have the right to look for something better, and no matter what excuses are out there, if they want it badly enough, they will turn those excuses into mere hurdles to be overcome, and they will overcome them.

 

Chin-up... keep company here in these forums where you need it. We're here (BS or OW) for each other as women.

[movinon05]

I would also like to add a question along with Ozgirl's questions. I have been wondering about this for a long time.

 

After you have gone through all the hate and betrayal, and you stay and your M isn't all that great anymore, how do you sleep with them again? Knowing they've been with another woman. Doesn't it pop into your mind? Doesn't it ruin things for you? Do you ever get past that? Just wondering.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hi,

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead?

 

First off, I am a betrayed husband.

 

And yes, I do wonder this. Because after going thru all the stages, I am at a point were I wonder about all the “what if’s”. The problem was, up until 6 months ago, I was still in denial maybe and I was still dependent of my “married” title and the whole “family” title, so the thoughts of leaving were not there. But now after losing some of the “emotional wall” feelings, I cant help but wonder what it would be like NOW if I would have left her….I still wonder, and sometimes it hinders OUR progress to get thru it all.

 

Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

YES…and it is tuff. The truth is…I think about it A LOT…and its scary cause I don’t want to do anything stupid. But I yearn to be wanted and desired by someone other than my wife. Kinda like I just want to be wanted for ME, not for my paycheck or my fatherly abilities, BUT for who I am…I would love to be chased and feel that flattery…would I be able to resist temptation….i don’t know, but I do wonder what it would feel like to be wanted and desired by someone else.

[Butterflying]

I haven't actually been and BS, but I was a BG. My XBF and I tried to salvage our relationship after he cheated. We had been engaged before that. Well, progress was difficult. Although he walked on pins and needles to assure my trust, I never regained it because I knew he was capable of betraying me.

 

I never fully understood the reason that my XBF betrayed me in the first place. So it was impossible for me to TRUST that he wouldn't do it again. He never really admitted that what he did was wrong. But he simply justified cheating by saying "it was a silly mistake." He apologized only for me being hurt by it.

 

Things were fine for about a month during reconciliation. I was in denial. I don't know what he was feeling, but it seemed like he started pushing me away. So I eventually broke up with him, but only because he pushed me, not because I wanted to go. My self-esteem was totally shot, and I think taking him back after discovering his betrayal was the first evidence of that.

 

Given all the reasons, I believe it's possible to work things out after cheating, but it's very, very, very difficult. Cheating is like cocaine: it's addictive. Before curing the illness, you have to treat the root of the problem. An addict doesn't just simply stop bad habits. They have to have a personal reason for doing so. And the most sucessful recoveries happen when those reasons are internal.

 

If people who cheat truly cared about the people they hurt by doing so, they wouldn't cheat. Cheating is ALWAYS a selfish act. And the first thing I know about love is that love isn't selfish.

[MsColorado]

I don't post that much but I felt compelled to respond to this post. There seems to be a lot of interest on this board as to why the BS stays in a marriage after finding out her husband has cheated on her. There seems to be an air of superiority from the OW when they discuss a BS who has stayed with her spouse -- as if the BS is this mealey little woman who only stays with the spouse because she would not want to be embarrassed in society (hello! we aren't living in the year 1902), or because of financial reasons, or because of the kids (who, in the OW expert opinion, feels would be much better off if the parents divorced)...it all sounds like bitterness and sour grapes to me. It seems a need for the OW to make herself feel better thinking that the BS is weak for staying in a marriage in which there was infidelity. I was a BS and eventually my spouse and I did divorce. The affair had little to do with the divorce as much as it was a symptom of an unhappy marriage. But I hate to break it to you all, but there are plenty of men who love their wives and even consider themselves in a happy marriage (despite what lies they are telling you) that still have the mid-life crisis that cheat on their wife. It's not right, it's pretty darn rotten, but it happens. But life is not perfect, love is not perfect, and no one is completely immune to having an affair or being a ow or being a bs. People make mistakes and I'm not talking about the repeat offender. I'm talking about a person who is going through some things, meets someone else who makes them feel special, and does something he and his wife would never feel they would do. I also believe that if they are truly contrite and go through therapy and make the effort than I completely support and admire the BS who gives them another chance. I think you'd all be surprised how many marriages actually survive an affair and come out much stronger.

[movinon05]

I don't post that much but I felt compelled to respond to this post. There seems to be a lot of interest on this board as to why the BS stays in a marriage after finding out her husband has cheated on her. There seems to be an air of superiority from the OW when they discuss a BS who has stayed with her spouse -- as if the BS is this mealey little woman who only stays with the spouse because she would not want to be embarrassed in society (hello! we aren't living in the year 1902), or because of financial reasons, or because of the kids (who, in the OW expert opinion, feels would be much better off if the parents divorced)...it all sounds like bitterness and sour grapes to me. It seems a need for the OW to make herself feel better thinking that the BS is weak for staying in a marriage in which there was infidelity. I was a BS and eventually my spouse and I did divorce. The affair had little to do with the divorce as much as it was a symptom of an unhappy marriage. But I hate to break it to you all, but there are plenty of men who love their wives and even consider themselves in a happy marriage (despite what lies they are telling you) that still have the mid-life crisis that cheat on their wife. It's not right, it's pretty darn rotten, but it happens. But life is not perfect, love is not perfect, and no one is completely immune to having an affair or being a ow or being a bs. People make mistakes and I'm not talking about the repeat offender. I'm talking about a person who is going through some things, meets someone else who makes them feel special, and does something he and his wife would never feel they would do. I also believe that if they are truly contrite and go through therapy and make the effort than I completely support and admire the BS who gives them another chance. I think you'd all be surprised how many marriages actually survive an affair and come out much stronger.

 

You're wrong. There is no air of superiority for most of the OW. Perhaps you haven't seen how many BS's come to this forum when they don't get it from the BS forum. We like to discuss all sides and BSers get support from us. Please don't generalize. Everyone here has a difference yet similar experience. And you are grabbing onto certain posts without acknowledging all the other positive, if you've bothered to read them. All are welcome here if they can post like rational beings without cutting our heads off! And the reason for the OP is because she, I, we, all would like to know from the BSers why, without being critical to them. We're trying to understand and the others who have posted here - ThumbingMyWay and Butterfly - got it in the spirit it was intended.

 

And I would also add that there are very few BSers who give a rat's a$$ about trying to understand the OW as a real person.

[zarathustra]

I don't post that much but I felt compelled to respond to this post. There seems to be a lot of interest on this board as to why the BS stays in a marriage after finding out her husband has cheated on her. There seems to be an air of superiority from the OW when they discuss a BS who has stayed with her spouse -- as if the BS is this mealey little woman who only stays with the spouse because she would not want to be embarrassed in society (hello! we aren't living in the year 1902), or because of financial reasons, or because of the kids (who, in the OW expert opinion, feels would be much better off if the parents divorced)...it all sounds like bitterness and sour grapes to me. It seems a need for the OW to make herself feel better thinking that the BS is weak for staying in a marriage in which there was infidelity. I was a BS and eventually my spouse and I did divorce. The affair had little to do with the divorce as much as it was a symptom of an unhappy marriage. But I hate to break it to you all, but there are plenty of men who love their wives and even consider themselves in a happy marriage (despite what lies they are telling you) that still have the mid-life crisis that cheat on their wife. It's not right, it's pretty darn rotten, but it happens. But life is not perfect, love is not perfect, and no one is completely immune to having an affair or being a ow or being a bs. People make mistakes and I'm not talking about the repeat offender. I'm talking about a person who is going through some things, meets someone else who makes them feel special, and does something he and his wife would never feel they would do. I also believe that if they are truly contrite and go through therapy and make the effort than I completely support and admire the BS who gives them another chance. I think you'd all be surprised how many marriages actually survive an affair and come out much stronger.

I think you made a lot of assumptions without really answering the question.

 

I think that a lot of BSs that post on this forum and are genuinely seeking support gets it from us here on the OW forum. So I would really appreciate it if you didn't wave your own stinking air of superiority in our space. Why don't you air your stinky socks back at the infidelity forum where I'm sure it would be appreciated by spiteful BSs who would have a day in the park with your posts.

 

If you were keen on answering the OPs post, you would have indicated how you felt when you and your H decided to divorce and go your own way... but you didn't...

[RealityCheck]

MsColorado....

 

Are you kidding me!!!

 

Seems to me your answer was completely one sided!

 

Poor, poor H, had a mid life crisis....tisk...tisk...

 

Pleeeeeeease!!

 

*shakes head*

[Teag]

I am a BS & I too took back my H. It has only been alittle over a month since the A happened but I can tell you this. I love my H SO much, but it was so hard to take him back. I caught my H A in the beginning stages, they hadn't had sex yet, (thank goodness) it was mostly emotional & it had only lasted about a month when I found out. The day I found them together was the first time they had actually been anywhere together. I did kick him out of our home but only for 2 weeks. I told him I hated him & wanted a divorce all those hate emotions came out. He swore to me nothing more than a few kisses happened which still hurt unbelievably bad. In my case my H had started hanging out w/ his best friend ALOT more than normal & started drinking ALOT more than he normally does. We fought alot about his drinking & his spending all his money on alcohol & partying. We are both young at 23 & 24 & his OW was only 17 & her "hobby" was to go after married men (I've heard her talk about it ALOT before & it sickens me) (and again I'm not blaming solely her) but the bottom line is she enjoyed the lifestyle I use to enjoy with him until we had our daughter. Which I think had alot to do with why he was attracted to her. He missed that part of his life & wanted to relive it. After I found out, he went completely NC with her after I asked him to call her in front of me telling her it was over & he wanted to work things out with me. She was pissed and I changed his number after that.

 

We had alot of communication problems and instead of talking about our problems we fought about them.To make a long story short I let him come back home after 2 weeks & after our first MC appt. and so far things have been going great. The only problem we have is he wants to hurry up and move past the affair b/c he says it was the biggest mistake he's ever made & thats a part of his life he just wants to forget ever happened. I took him back b/c I love him SO much, I don't want to imagine my life without him. We've been together for going on 6 yrs & thats along time to just give up on. We have one beautiful daughter together & we have our son on the way. I resent him alot & sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by taking him back. But I also feel like if it would have went any further physically than it did I wouldn't have been able to. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be single again but not really, I can only see myself with him. He was the perfect man when I married him & he lost track for a while. He's trying to get back on the right track & things have been great since. I still have the dreams & thoughts about what happened and it still hurts. It's something I never thought he would do like I'm sure most other W do. Since he's been home we've become a family again, we eat dinner together, something little but something we haven't done in months, we play together & joke again, there's alot of laughter in my house again, and he's spending SO much more time w/ our daughter again. But like I said it's only been alittle over a month and really too soon to tell whats going to happen in the future but I'm hopeful things will work our & this will only make our marriage stronger.

 

But the bottom line is I didn't stay b/c of the title or b/c of my kids or b/c of the financial b/c I'm basically supporting us my self, I stayed b/c I truely love him so much I just couldn't give up on 6yrs of being together & 4 yrs of marriage. Sometimes I wonder if you can love someone too much.

[MsColorado]

Wow RealityCheck! I wasn't excusing the cheating spouses behavior at all. And I am certainly of the opinion that a BS needs to put all blame on their spouse for cheating - not the OP. But what I was trying to say is that I am getting a little tired of the attitude that anyone who takes a cheating spouse back is weak or desperate or trying to save face. That's just not true. A marriage is a very, very complex thing and I commend the person that is willing to go through hoops to try to save it. I think often times people give up much too soon. I also think that yes, sometimes, married people cheat. It's rotten and it's incredibly hurtful, but do I think that always makes them not love their spouse and makes them a serial cheater? Absolutely not. I think there are plenty of good people who make bad mistakes and are quite capable of making changes to improve their lives and marriages. And as I stated before, with a lot of communication and work, many marriages not only survive the affair but come out stronger. Also, this was a post in which Betrayed Spouses were asked to share their opinion. This is my opinion. Like it or lump it but I have every right to post here and will continue to do so when I feel there is a bias against innocent parties such as a BS.

[zarathustra]

Also, this was a post in which Betrayed Spouses were asked to share their opinion. This is my opinion. Like it or lump it but I have every right to post here and will continue to do so when I feel there is a bias against innocent parties such as a BS.

 

Actually, there were two questions asked... I don't think it was asking an opinion on what you think about what your opinion was on affairs, and neither is it asking for your opinion on OWs attitude on BSs that chose to give their spouse a second chance (I personally think each scenario is different and don't have a general opinion on BSs taking back their WS - if a poster asks on this forum and gives an idea of why and I am not in agreement, I would give them my opinion respectfully).

 

Anyway, the questions were...

question is, after you take back your H to work on your M, and it's going 'well'... is that usually better than before you found out about the A? Or, is "well" defined as the same, but he's just not out porking someone else?

 

Ms.C, I think in your first post to this thread you answered this question that although you took him back, there were still problems with your marriage and you are no longer with this man and that the affair had little to do with the split. Thanks for answering the question.

 

Second question: Most OW here who have left the affair situation, seem to really be happier within themselves for doing so. That is, they've dealt with the reasons they may have 'settled' for a MM. Do any BS's feel they're compromising a part of themselves to take back their H? That they have lowered the ideal standard of partner they wished they had?

 

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead? Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

part 1 of queston #2: I agree with you that some marriages comes out stronger and better after the affair, but yours didn't. Did you feel that you wasted your time in taking him back or were you glad you gave it a valiant effort in trying one last time? Any regrets? Obviously you didn't lower your ideal standard of a partner as you are no longer in a marraige that did not meet up to your ideals.

 

Part 2 of question #2: do you feel better now that you are out of the marriage?

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all replies but wanted to respond. Let's just put it this way...if my H and I ever got D the A would have very little to do w/ it.

 

His A took place 3 years ago. What started out as an EA turned into a PA. It was an EA b4 he said he wanted out of the M. He filed for a D. Shortly after he filed he said he made a mistake, talked about reconciling, but he continued to see the OW. I decided it wasn't going to work if he was still w/ her. I quit my job, moved back to my hometown, we went to court for support, visitations, ect. About a month after that he called begging to take him back. At first I was very apt about NOT taking him back b/c I didn't want to go back to the same s***ty M I was getting out of, but also b/c I couldn't trust him anymore. He would call several times a day and we would talk hours on end. He said he would get IC, blah, blah, blah. H has some anger issues. He was on anti-depressants a few years ago but he stopped taking them b/c he didn't think that was the cure for it. He bitches, nags, and complains all the damn time. If anything THAT will be a reason for a D, not his A.

 

I haven't gotten over the fact that he has slept w/ another woman but I'm at the point in my life where it feels like a bad dream. I can't dwell on the past or it will drive me insane. Yes, it bothers me he slept w/ another woman during the course of our M but I try not to think about it.

[Walking away]

I am so sorry for the pain that you BS endure. The betrayal is intense.

 

I respect all of you for the decisions you have made. Whether it be staying and working on the marriage, or leaving and making a go of your life alone.

 

Either way, it takes tremendous strength to endure what you have endured.

 

I am sorry.

 

WA

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I still have the dreams & thoughts about what happened and it still hurts. It's something I never thought he would do like I'm sure most other W do. Since he's been home we've become a family again, we eat dinner together, something little but something we haven't done in months, we play together & joke again, there's alot of laughter in my house again, and he's spending SO much more time w/ our daughter again. But like I said it's only been alittle over a month and really too soon to tell whats going to happen in the future but I'm hopeful things will work our & this will only make our marriage stronger.

 

But the bottom line is I didn't stay b/c of the title or b/c of my kids or b/c of the financial b/c I'm basically supporting us my self, I stayed b/c I truely love him so much I just couldn't give up on 6yrs of being together & 4 yrs of marriage. Sometimes I wonder if you can love someone too much.

 

Teag,

Thank you for sharing your story. Of course you love your husband - you are his WIFE. I hope that you will be able to work it out with your hubby, too.

 

For many OWs, it is easier to believe that the husband is having a terrible time with his wife (even though he has never said so himself). A terrible marriage would explain the MMs behavior. However, many men will do it out of boredom or simply being foolish. The truth that many OWs cannot comprehend is that most of these men love their wives and the lifestyles they've created. An extramarital marrital affair is like a new hobby to them: it is exciting and fun. But it is not something that they'd like to do forever in REAL LIFE.

[OzGirl]

One thing I've noticed is how BS's think OW are questioning them and the BS's think we really shouldn't, or we have no right to, or we don't understand, or whatever.

 

The thing is, we DON'T understand. We're not questioning you and your morals, but rather, ourselves - how can you take him back.... many OW wish the MM would take them back when they're found out. It's a foreign situation for the OW, hence, asking the questions.

 

It's not that often that we find BS's in these forums, asking us, if we are okay. Asking us how the A has made us feel now that it's over. Asking us questions or acknowledging our thoughts - whether sad, desperate, content or jubilent.

 

It seems we are the disposable part of the affair... both to the MM and his W.

 

We come in here to seek answers we can't get in our own situations, because the W if off limits (for all good and understandable reasons) and the MM ... well, he's a seasoned liar... it's hard to get a straight and honest answer that his actions don't simultaneously contradict anyway.

 

So, you know... without sounding rude... how about "back off" on the judgements, assumption, or generalisations made about the OW in these forums.

 

We are, at the very least, trying to move on without the support of the person who had a strangle-hold over our hearts. We are trying to get educated on the subject from all angles so we can move on and be 'free' of the trapped feeling this situation gives us.

 

Like I said, the BS's don't seem to really give a toss about our welfare, are we okay, how hurt are we, what really went on. It's like wallow for a while about the situation, or be ignorant to what it was and just move on. That's fine.

 

If only the OW really knew what happened, too, then maybe she could know what she can be ignorant of, too.

 

I'm not aiming this at any one in particular... I'm just saying, if you don't see that clearly, curiosity and understanding is at play here, and THAT is a healthy and normal approach, then don't bother trying to patronise us.

 

It would seem, the MM of the world have done that already.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

The thing is, we DON'T understand. We're not questioning you and your morals, but rather, ourselves - how can you take him back.... many OW wish the MM would take them back when they're found out. It's a foreign situation for the OW, hence, asking the questions.

 

Ozgirl,

 

I have been following your story. Let me answer this question for you, then. MMs normally do not behave the same with their wives as they do with their OWs. The wives do not see the side of their husbands that OWs see. Believe it or not, but men will treat their wives in a more submissive and respectful manner than they treat their OWs. Hence, an affair is often viewed as nothing more than 'dirty sex'. And that's what the husband will try to convince her, too.

 

Of course she's hurt by the affair. But it is often not a deal breaker by itself. There's too much history, and too many things at stake, for this to be a deal breaker.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

 

It seems we are the disposable part of the affair... both to the MM and his W.

 

yes, sadly this is true. Men love sex... and some are not able to keep their little heads in their pants.

 

It should not mean, however, that you are less of a person! We are all tempted to have an affair. Heck, I want to have an affair with a MM.... I am glad that I found this forum! Now, I am only trying to get him out of my head.

 

Think of it this way: he was not yours to begin with. It is only natural that he'd go back to his wife. His wife - whether she loves him or not - is not going to be swayed by an affair. He has probably done worse things to her!! Most likely, you are not his first... or his last!

[lover's rock]

I also wanted to add here that MM sometimes make the OW seem like a crazy bitch to the W as well. My H did that to me. Of course, I wasn't stupid enough to believe his lies. I knew he was telling her completely different things that he wasn't telling me. I.E. When I told my H that if we were in the right state I could sue her for alienation of affection and take what she has, he says "really? She has a nice car too..."

 

See what I mean? The view of you as being indisposable is not always viewed that way by the wife solely...but also because of the picture he paints to her of you as well.

 

The MM tells the OW that the W is mean and heartless (which is probably true at times) and he tells the W that the OW is psycho and just won't let go (which can be true at time as well). The OW that my H is dealing with has no idea that my H is going to break her heart...again...and honestly I put her name in the prayer request box every week I go to church (along with mine and his, of course).

 

My strength to deal with this...to stay with him...to even have sex with him after this whole ordeal...comes from God and his power of forgiveness.

[sylviaguardian]

My question is, after you take back your H to work on your M, and it's going 'well'... is that usually better than before you found out about the A? Or, is "well" defined as the same, but he's just not out porking someone else?

 

I think this depends on the situation. For some married men, getting caught is like getting a reality check. Suddenly, they realise what they stand to lose and start to be nicer to their wives and show her the attention that they had just let slip before so it probably goes back to how it was in the early stages of the relationship (or how he was with the OW probably).

 

For people who have done a lot of work on their marriage, it can be stronger because they have a better knowledge of who they really are and they have had a taste of what it might be like to be without each other so they both work harder at the marriage.

 

There are some things that are lost forever. Like I used to think my husband would never hurt me, now I know he is just as capable of hurting me as anyone else. I would like to not have that knowledge but then again, I wasn't really living in the real world before.

 

Second question: Most OW here who have left the affair situation, seem to really be happier within themselves for doing so. That is, they've dealt with the reasons they may have 'settled' for a MM. Do any BS's feel they're compromising a part of themselves to take back their H? That they have lowered the ideal standard of partner they wished they had?

 

That's an interesting question. Sometimes leaving is the easy option (especially if you choose to leave) because you can write that person off and start again. Staying is harder because you have to learn to accept both the good and bad in that person instead of choosing to see them as your knight in shining armour. So the OW is free to go off and find her knight in shining armour while the BS stays and deals with the reality of what marriage is about. The only advantage for the BS is that they don't have false notions of the 'perfect person'. Here's the funny bit. When my last boyfriend and I split up, it was easy. I wrote him off as a bast**d and continued on my search for 'the one'. Of course when I 'found' him I was so happy. Only when you take 'the one' and add kids and reality, it all changes a bit.

 

Of course taking back a cheating spouse is compromising. How many of us haven't said that if someone cheated on us we'd leave. But sometimes a refusal to compromise in life can make you very unhappy indeed...

 

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead? Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

Sigh. I think about this a lot. Not because I want to have another man but because there is a tendency in all of us to think that if something is a bit busted, the best thing to do is chuck it and get a new one. It's much harder to try to fix things. And as I've said before there is very little respect for the BS who stays. Most people cheer when the poor naive BS gets up the guts to tell the WS to go and goes off into the sunset to find the perfect man/woman. What the BS often realises though is that there is no perfect partner. Most people are capable of being unfaithful given the right circumstances. Also, second marriages are much more likely to fail than first marriages, possibly because the issues that made the first marriage bad were just blamed on incompatibility or personality or something that couldn't be changed and the same mistakes are repeated again and again.

 

OW seem to be so, eventually, repulsed by the same man another woman took back for knowing about the same situation that repulsed the OW. OW also seem to feel really strong and triumphant and REALLY free to 'grow' and move in a way that defines who they are in a really good way. Do BS's get these opportunities by staying?[/QUOTE]

 

Do the OW get repulsed by the situation or do they just get fed up with not having a proper relationship? You ask whether the BS get the opportunity to grow by staying in the relationship. I have no idea how the OW grows but this whole period of my life has caused me to re-assess everything. I will never be looking for a man to make me happy again - I am looking for it inside me, hence perhaps the reason why I don't want to leave my marriage to go and find the next person. Strangely there are some positives to come out of it. I survived my very worst nightmare - I have seen how strong I could be when I needed to. I have a couple of relationships with girlfriends and family that are strong beyond belief because of this. I have much more insight into how marriages and relationships work or don't work.

 

I would never want to go through what I've been through ever again. But I don't think I would want to go back to being the person I was before.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

after you take back your H to work on your M, and it's going 'well'... is that usually better than before you found out about the A? Or, is "well" defined as the same, but he's just not out porking someone else?

 

Things are actually going better than “well” for us. But I think that is b/c we are both now more aware of the “maintenance” required in order to make the relationship work. You know, one, or both parties get lazy and start taking the other person for granted thinking that neither of them would ever do anything to hurt the other. The attention isn’t there like it used to be ... the important things that need to be there in order to make a person feel wanted/loved/needed/important. H’s EA opened up both our eyes to the fact that a relationship has to be maintained, we can’t afford to get lazy b/c it affects the way the other person feels.

 

Now, if he had actually slept with her that, I think, would be a different story. I’d like to say that I wouldn’t have agreed to continue our marriage, but who is to say ... I didn’t have to deal with that. IF that would have happened under the same conditions as what we just went through I guess I would have forgiven him if he would have done everything that he has done/is doing to make us work. But, I know that I would have an extremely hard time with intimacy and don’t think that if that were the case, we would ever get it back. Thank goodness I didn’t have to deal with that!

 

The ability to communicate with each other has definitely increased. Whereas before the A if I was upset I would do the silent treatment, if he was upset he would yell and say hurtful things. Now, if either of us is upset we talk about it. We haven’t had a fight since then. Disagreements yes. I don’t think you can have any type of relationship, or raise kids together for that matter, without disagreements. But, no fights. No one going to bed at night still upset. No one saying hurtful things, etc.

 

Do any BS's feel they're compromising a part of themselves to take back their H? That they have lowered the ideal standard of partner they wished they had?

 

I don’t know if I thought I was compromising a part of myself ... I think the thought/feeling was that I was settling because I thought he wasn’t the person I thought he was/who I married. I mean, that person would never have done anything to ever hurt me. However, he wasn’t in his right mind. He had no idea what he was saying/doing. He knew that it was wrong, but still did not feel in control. He felt more lost than anything. He also felt like he wasn’t worth anything and that I, and the kids, deserved better. Of course, there were underlying health issues that were not related to our marriage that affected the majority of his feelings. But, after some time I have realized that he is still the man I married. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have realized he was wrong, he wouldn’t have been remorseful, or have done everything in his power to make it better not just for me, but for him, for us.

 

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. I read a quote today on someone’s post that I think is perfect ... Good judgement comes from experience, but sometimes that experience comes from poor judgement (or something like that).

 

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead? Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

That is a tough one. Sometimes when I think he is being extremely short and inpatient with either me, or the kids, I think “whoa ... I didn’t sign up for this ... if we wouldn’t have agreed to stay together, I would be .....” and then it stops there and I typically say something to him to let him know he is acting like an a**. I don’t think of a life w/o him, or what it would be like as a single person not b/c I can’t live w/o him, or that I love him unconditionally, but because we just work.

 

OW seem to be so, eventually, repulsed by the same man another woman took back for knowing about the same situation that repulsed the OW. OW also seem to feel really strong and triumphant and REALLY free to 'grow' and move in a way that defines who they are in a really good way. Do BS's get these opportunities by staying?

 

There is no repulsion on my part towards my h at all, maybe b/c again, he is still the man I married. He is still the stand-up, honorable man. He is still my best-friend.

 

I also feel strong and triumphant and have grown myself through this experience. So has he. That isn’t to say that I don’t have my bad days where I just want to beat the crap out of him for the emotional roller-coaster he put me through. But, as quickly as that thought comes into my mind, I also realize that he was right there alongside me for the ride and we came through it together and are better because of it.

[silktricks]

My question is, after you take back your H to work on your M, and it's going 'well'... is that usually better than before you found out about the A? Or, is "well" defined as the same, but he's just not out porking someone else?

 

Marriage before my husband had an affair was not doing all that well. In fact, I had left him. I was having a hard time with some issues in my life. And I was having some health problems. I didn't know how much of the problems that I was experiencing were a result of my marriage. I came to realize that very few of them were. Unfortunately, my husband, understandably, came to believe I no longer loved him. The emotional affair he had with another woman was a direct result of that belief.

 

Even had my husband had a physical affair with another woman. I probably would have forgiven him, largely due to the fact that I felt that my actions contributed so greatly to the situation.

 

But to answer your question, our marriage now is going much better than well. I would say that we have an excellent marriage. I am happy with my husband and very much in love with him. He has every evidence of being happy with me and very much in love with me.

 

Second question: Most OW here who have left the affair situation, seem to really be happier within themselves for doing so. That is, they've dealt with the reasons they may have 'settled' for a MM. Do any BS's feel they're compromising a part of themselves to take back their H? That they have lowered the ideal standard of partner they wished they had?

 

I do not in any way feel that I have compromised any portion of myself to take back my husband. I feel that I have an ideal partner. He is no different than the man I married. He is my mate in every way. I would not change a single hair on his head, I would not change a single thing about him. I love him as he is. I did not settle, nor did he.

 

Do you ever, even if it's all working out okay... do you ever wonder how different (maybe better) you may have felt NOW if you just left him instead? Do you ever think about being single yourself? Having the opportunity to have 'desire' and 'need' renewed in you, just has your H has by having the A?

 

It may be a little bit different for me, because I did leave my husband. I think also that you're making some assumptions that may or may not be justified. My husband does not feel renewed because of the affair. I know that you can only take my word for that. And that you will probably not do so. The affair, saddened him. It repulsed him. It changed forever the way he views women. I know that if he could go back in time and undo it, he would give up years of his life to be able to do so.

 

To answer the rest of your question, though, I don't ever think about being single I don't think about what it would be like to be with a different man. I don't want a different man. I don't think about what it would be like to be alone. I was alone. I am very happy the way my life is now. I wouldn't change it.

 

OW seem to be so, eventually, repulsed by the same man another woman took back for knowing about the same situation that repulsed the OW. OW also seem to feel really strong and triumphant and REALLY free to 'grow' and move in a way that defines who they are in a really good way. Do BS's get these opportunities by staying?

 

I'm glad that the OW feel really strong, triumphant, and free to grow. Why on earth would you think that the wife would not also feel really strong, triumphant, and free to grow? A bump in the road, no matter how bad is still in the long run, simply a bump in the road. The affair did not define my husband or myself. It jarred us badly, but did no lasting harm.

 

Pain creates growth. Both my husband and I have grown immeasurably through the pain that we have both endured. I would assume, though I don't know for a fact, that the woman my husband had the EA with has also grown. I would also imagine that she is now repulsed by the very thought of my husband. I do not however believe that had he left me for her that she would now feel any repulsion for him, nor do I believe that most of the OW on this forum would feel repulsion for the MM if they had left their wives for them.

 

This is the type of question that bothers most of us BS who have decided to forgive our WS. It implies that there is something badly wrong with us for making the choices we have made. I reject that implication and hope that those OW who feel that way can someday grow to understand that there may be more going on than what they see.

[zarathustra]

Pain creates growth. Both my husband and I have grown immeasurably through the pain that we have both endured. I would assume, though I don't know for a fact, that the woman my husband had the EA with has also grown. I would also imagine that she is now repulsed by the very thought of my husband. I do not however believe that had he left me for her that she would now feel any repulsion for him, nor do I believe that most of the OW on this forum would feel repulsion for the MM if they had left their wives for them.

You are absolutely right about pain creating growth. I think that the repulsion some of us feel here is that the MM is unwilling to let go or unwilling to fully respect the W by continuing to contact the OW after she says that she wishes NC.

 

This is the type of question that bothers most of us BS who have decided to forgive our WS. It implies that there is something badly wrong with us for making the choices we have made. I reject that implication and hope that those OW who feel that way can someday grow to understand that there may be more going on than what they see.

Silk, I think that the question was asked from genuine curiosity. I don't think that there's any intent to make anyone feel that one had made a bad decision for staying with a WS after an A happened. I left my H too and then got together with my xMM (who left his w to be with me) and I, for one, am glad to have a second chance with my H to try to make my M work. I think that if I didn't try, I would have many 'what ifs' hanging around me like a dark cloud.

 

Congratulations on your strong (and hopefully affair proof) marriage.

[kenny]

IMO the BS and the OW both lose. The MM comes out smelling like a rose.