As I mentioned in my post above, the smartest thing I did in regards to my affair with MM: DATE OTHER MEN
I posted online for a one-night stand. I knew this would break the spell the MM had over me, because I become emotionally attached after sex.
And, it worked! I slept with a good-looking, very cool guy. Great in bed. In fact, I found myself thinking about him (rather than MM) for 2 weeks. I never saw him again.
I am currently dating (another) great guy behind MM's back. I haven't slept with the new guy yet, and I'm reluctant to because I don't want to complicate my life even more. However, it's great not to put all my eggs in one basket.
Rebound sex/relationships may not be ideal, but I don't regret them at all.
Today, I finally told MM about the Single Guy. MM went into a jealous rage. He then started to talk in earnest about our future. And that he hates the thought of me with SG.
I love MM. Very deeply. But why should I waste my 20's waiting for him to make up his mind, when a gorgeous SG wants to take me out? If MM truly wants me, he will give me an option that I am willing to forsake others for.
I can't do anything about dating as of right now..but I'm on my way to a divorce and have every intention of dating..my MM and I had a talk last week and I don't see him going any where so why should I not date...he knows what he has to do to be with you..let him do it or simmer in his own jealous juices...it's his choice.
I agree generally with the idea of dating while seeing MM.
Although personally, at the moment... there's just no-one I'm interested in. IF THERE WAS, however... I'd be out there like a shot.
If MM wants to drag his feet over getting separated, then I'm not going to put my life on hold while he does that.
ONCE he's out of the door, however, it will become another matter. Until then... he's done nothing to show that his intentions of leaving are anything other than words.
Today, I finally told MM about the Single Guy. MM went into a jealous rage. He then started to talk in earnest about our future. And that he hates the thought of me with SG.
I love MM. Very deeply. But why should I waste my 20's waiting for him to make up his mind, when a gorgeous SG wants to take me out? If MM truly wants me, he will give me an option that I am willing to forsake others for.
Yesmaybe,
You have already seen my contributions in the previous thread, so forgive me if I repeat myself a tiny bit?
I think that the bit you wrote about your MM going into a jealous rage is hilarious, because that's exactly what's happened to me too. For as long as MM and I cannot be an "official couple", many guys have asked me out because they don't actually know about MM's existence, and I did go to the cinema once and I contemplated going out for dinner until MM asked and I told him about the invite; he almost has a seizure on the spot! He was as hurt as a wounded animal and it took him days to calm down! (Pretty ironic considering that's what I have to go through every single day...? )
Yes, I know that it makes perfect sense and it is totally logical; while MM is still with the wife, then I am entitled to date anyone I like. But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.
Having said that, there is no harm if MM is reminded now and again that we OW's are attractive and that there are guys out there who would give their right eye to be our boyfriends...?
And, now that my xMM and I are no longer in a relationship, I have continued to date different men casually. I see nothing wrong with it.
If you are available, you have every right to date another.
Walking Away,
You have been through sheer hell recently, and you are perfectly entitled to date men if you want to! You are doing the right thing!
I just wish that I had your strength and courage to do what you have done! (Well, I could be in your shoes in a few weeks if MM's promised deadline is broken...!!!! )
I sincerely hope that you DO meet someone who really sets your heart on fire and who loves you back the way you deserve to be loved! You deserve it, girl!!!
I have had a multitude of men requesting my attention. And, I have accepted some of the requests. And, I will continue to.
Of course, my xMM is ALSO aware of these developments....and knows that I am moving on with my life.
My life...my choices....my rules. And, I am happy. I am being respected by others in the manner that I have always deserved. It feels really good, believe me.
I have the old me back, thank you very much.
And, it really isn't strength and courage that has gotten me where I am. I have struggled and faltered as we all have, but as I have taken steps backwards, I have also made LEAPS forward. A slower process than I want, but progress, nevertheless.
I LIKE myself too much to ever be with a MM again.
But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.
Well I don't know if he's doing it on purpose (manipulating you)... but whatever... it's having the desired effect, isn't it?
MM has said to me that he knows he can't say anything to me about dating someone now that our R has got to the point it has. That he'd be VERY jealous and upset about it... but in the end, he would understand, and he'd have no leg to stand on in telling me 'I couldn't' or sulking, or whatever. And he's right. Lucky for him I haven't found anyone interesting enough
I think what your MM is saying is pretty low, actually. It's like he's holding you up to some standard that he can't himself maintain. How about coming back with "how can I possibly consider a future with you, MM, while you continue to stay with your W and keep me on the side?". See how he likes that one
But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.
Woa, Jessie61 ... his line of argument is really rubbing me the wrong way! I can't believe he had the nerve to say that!
Your monogamy is a gift for him when he is decides to be monogamous to you.
Now that I date a lot, I see that men tend to date lots of women at once, and then whittle it down to one serious relationship. But they like multiple choices. Women, on the other hand, tend to zero in on someone right from the start and want to have a real relationship ASAP.
I recommend people read "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray. Some important things I learned from the book:
1. Women need to date multiple guys at a time too. This will keep a woman from becoming too fixated on one guy.
2. Don't pursue the guy. Let him do the majority of the calling, making dates, etc.. This one really works - I may think I'm being nice and receptive and polite by initiating contact, but men really seem to enjoy the pursuit. In fact, being slightly aloof seems to work like magic. I don't know why.
As for my MM, I stopped initiating contact and his attentiveness went WAY up. He doesn't take my presence for granted anymore, that's for sure.
And as for dating multiple guys - so far, it seems that MM is ready to take our relationship to another level because now he is worried that he will lose me.
He actually talked about divorcing his wife, and his concerns for his son. MM has NEVER had a conversation even remotely like this with me before. In fact, he has never discussed a future for us before.
I plan on going out with Single Guy tomorrow. And MM knows this. He asked that I give him about 2 days to think about our future. Again, this is very surreal.
So, maybe dating others is a way to see if MM will actually commit to you?
Well I don't know if he's doing it on purpose (manipulating you)... but whatever... it's having the desired effect, isn't it?
MM has said to me that he knows he can't say anything to me about dating someone now that our R has got to the point it has. That he'd be VERY jealous and upset about it... but in the end, he would understand, and he'd have no leg to stand on in telling me 'I couldn't' or sulking, or whatever. And he's right. Lucky for him I haven't found anyone interesting enough
I think what your MM is saying is pretty low, actually. It's like he's holding you up to some standard that he can't himself maintain. How about coming back with "how can I possibly consider a future with you, MM, while you continue to stay with your W and keep me on the side?". See how he likes that one
Sami,
My MM said the same thing as yours, i.e that he could not object, he'd understand and would not hold it against me etc.... Until I actually WAS asked out, that is... Ok, I realise that the use of the word "manipulation" sounds more sinister than I meant it to, but it was an argument used to win a discussion and to convince me not to go...
Yes, I HAVE actually said what you have suggested to my MM, and that is one of the reasons he is now leaving... Well, the deadline expires soon BUT "seeing is believing", right????
My MM said the same thing as yours, i.e that he could not object, he'd understand and would not hold it against me etc.... Until I actually WAS asked out, that is... Ok, I realise that the use of the word "manipulation" sounds more sinister than I meant it to, but it was an argument used to win a discussion and to convince me not to go...
Yes, I HAVE actually said what you have suggested to my MM, and that is one of the reasons he is now leaving... Well, the deadline expires soon BUT "seeing is believing", right????
(BTW, how are YOU getting on with your MM???)
Me and MY MM?
I'm wearing a halo and being patient. And having occasional small flip outs and crying sessions and just well... waiting.
He says he will understand if I decide no more phonecalls till he tells her... because it is really hard for me to deal with this at the moment. But... even if I 'go NC' or 'no phonecalls' I'll still be right here waiting.
I believe he's being honest about wanting to leave, and about being ready to tell her. But... seeing is believing, as you say. Someone can have all the intentions in the World but... until he's out... I can't relax. AND BOY do I need to relax.
I have to tell you... I'd be terrified if I'd given him a deadline. Because I'm just NOT strong enough to end it if he doesn't go through with it in a given time. I'd rather wait till I'm done... then choose my own time to walk away. And cry in a corner
I agree with the dating option but does it always work. Keep in mind I am only hypothesizing since I am at the end of a bad marriage, have a MM in a relationship that seems to be waning at times and the last thing I need to do, right now, is actively add any more parties to this mess I call my life.
In my mindset right now, (and you can even forget the bad hubby for a moment) I don't think I would give another person a fair shake. I would want them to be MM & perhaps illogically resent that they weren't. I really have no desire to be with another person. Also, I am scared that I will always be comparing all others to this man, even after the relationship dies.
Perhaps that will all sort itself out in time when everything else is said and done. I am hoping so, anyhow.
EDITTING TO ADD THIS PS- I realize the original thread addresses single women dating married men and their situation is somewhat different. Maybe their feelings are also;I do not know. I can certainly appreciate the fear that they could be wasting their years just waiting. I'm not sure if you are ever really open to new love when an old love is actively in your life though.. Some people might do well however, that way.
Last edited by Blind Illusion; 23rd April 2006 at 3:37 PM..
Blind Illusion - I think dating is a big WIN situation for OW (whether she is single or not)
I am not dating to find the next love of my life. I am dating with an open-mind of finding someone nice and single. But also, I'm dating because it helps me break away from MM.
At first, I would be physically ill when I would go on dates. I felt that I had violated MM's trust. But then again, he knowingly violates my heart when he chooses to remain married.
Just having extra guys to think about helps to lessen the obsessive feelings I have for MM (after all, if you're an OW, isn't your love a type of obsession?). And turns out, MM respects me much more because I am becoming independent.
The concept is to not put one's eggs all in one basket. Keeping the options open. Maintaining a life of our own in spite of the MM.
Now, in my situation, these men are fully aware that I am not interested in anything serious at this point, and they are perfectly fine with the arrangement. They are also aware that there was, until very recently, another who held my heart.
Know what they say? His loss....my gain. And, if they are okay with it, so am I.
I relish the thought that another man will sweep me off my feet. And, when I am emotionally ready for it, I will welcome it. And, I find it to be counterproductive of ME to sit around and wallow in self-pity. I had a life before my MM, and I certainly have a life now without him. And, I intend to live my life well and fully. Life is too short for anything other than that, IMHO.
So, for now, this feels right to me. But, every person is different in their recovery.
We each must do what is right for ourselves...and, as long as there is honesty with the others we may encounter, I see no harm in exploring the possiblities of a chance of a possible relationship with another.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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