[banister61]

i am dating a young man. 23. I am 32. He's still figuring out his life and is freaking out a bit. He's got no job but he's really bright. He struggling with me--on his own--not from anything I'm doing--so he says--but when we're togehter he is fine. when we're not--he's apprehensive.

twice we've talked about moving in together--its been 7 1./2 months. and it hasn't happenned b/c he freaks out and is not ready. so i'm patient. we both want to move to San Fran, but he's worried about us living together for the first time twith one another in a strange place b/c we will be the only person the other knows. but he won't move in around were we live b/c he's not ready.

funny thing happenned yesterday. he wanted me to tell him that he was not just a number--that he was not just the guy that I wanted to settle down with b/c I had dated so many *******s. he questions why a beautiful 32 year woman is alone and not hitched. so i tell him that i only felt this way once before about someone else. that i hope we never end. but he doesn't reciprocate. he says he's not there yet. that he's madly in love with me and that he adores me, but he's still aprehensive.

i'm a bit shocked b/c of the way he acts with me. the connection is so great...but he is flipping. he said i had to make a choice...to accept that he is not there yet and to wait together in the relationship--then hopefully he will get there. he hopes to. or i have to decide if i can't live without emotional reciprocity.

hmmm. i feel kind of used. like i was put against a wall to assure him that he was someone very special--and when i do--he doesn't return in kind.

its too bad because...i only felt this way onec and that was when i was 23. now--its 9 years later and i find love again. i actually felel and said to him--that i thought we were supposed to meet--to be together.

It sounds like he has alot of growing up to do. It isn't fair that he is making
you wait to see if he will eventually be ready to take your relationship to the next level. Maybe it would be better if you tried taking a break, possibly dating other people (obviously if that wouldn't be too weird). I think if you two were MEANT to be together, he would already be "right there". Also it isn't good or healthy that when he is with you he is fine but when he's not he is apprehensive. I think this shows that he is possibly somewhat unsure of the relationship. I don't know all of the facts or the circumstances, but based on the facts that you have provided, I would say yes, you are wasting your time. Obviously I am NOT an expert, but like I said before, you shouldn't have to suffer because he can't make a grown up decision.

[whichwayisup]

Problem I see is, he has to still grow as a person. Figure out who he is. You being 32 years old have gone through that 'finding yourself' in your 20's and becoming who you are now in your 30's. Please don't feel used! If you were 23 and he was 32, I'm sure you'd be abit apprehensive about settling down so young.

He has to figure out what he is going to do for a career.

You are special to him and you've helped him grow too...He's just needing time and to be honest I think 7 1/2 months isn't long enough to make a choice at 23 years old if he wants to move in with you.

I say enjoy the relationship for what it is abit longer. See what happens and then maybe at the end of the summer talk to him about where the relationship is heading. He probably isn't thinking of marriage and kids right now, but I have a feeling you are...