(HELP------------for those of you who know my situation!)
If you don't know my situation then you will see me as being completely a biaytch that is why I requested input from those who know my story..
Ok I haven't seen Charlie in 2 weeks. I seems as if he has been avoiding seeing me (I believe because he senses I am going to end the relationship.) He called me last Thurs evening while I was in classes and I left the class and answered it. He asked me out that night. I had to refuse because I was in class till 8:15 then had to pick up my gf at the bus stop at the airport, she was staying the night with me before she headed to Austria for 2 months.
He didn't bother to reschedule the date and instead of chosing to spend time with me Friday night he made plans with his brother to go have a few beers. (I took that as: I am second choice and a fill-in when he has nothing else going on.) He took his kids to the cabin Saturday AGAIN and didn't return until around 5 yesterday (Sunday).. I had a wedding/reception to attend so it didn't matter he left town.
Well I gave him a message (Sunday) to call me after he dropped of his kids when he got back into town. I waited and waited for him to call me. He didn't call me until around 7:30. I made other plans by then.
The plans I made were with my 'alpha male' friend. He always understood me; usually better then I know myself. He has been a great source of lessons for growth to help myself. He knows what I need to feel balance and harmony. He is the only man whom has had the ability to have insight into me without me having to tell him. He knows the person I am. (He would have made a great husband.. but, he doesn't want the institustion or sacrament of marriage. He is content being by himself most of the time and doesn't want a SO in his life. He is a great friend. (We were involved last summer and it became ugly. We agree we won't go down that road.)
Anyway, I headed to his house, because I needed some face-to-face male contact and we both we feeling pretty isolated and agreed we needed to be held. (He works out of his home so he doensn't get out of his house much for person to person face to face contact.) He was working when I got there so he gave me a great book "The path of the Least Resistance" to read. I was working on the 2nd chapter when he finally emerged from his office and requested a back rub. So I gave him a back rub and then he pulled me down next to him and we just held each other.. It felt so good, so relaxing. He rubbed my back and held me close. I returned the affection. He played with my fingers, looked deeply into my eyes. he joked with me a little although most of the time was in silence. The affection we gave to one another, WITHOUT sex, was absolutely beautiful.. (He was doing breathing exercises to control himself.
--I too was practicing breathing exercises to control myself.. I made it clear to him before I agreed to come over that I DO NOT want sex. I don't want to go in that direction again because it is disasterous between him and I. Last summer I began to fall in love with him and he didn't want that.
During that time my cell keep vibrating. I ignored my phone. I knew it was Charlie. I didn't want to talk to him because I was upset with him and felt like he blew me off, AGAIN. I left him the message at 11am that I wanted to see him and to call me ASAP and he didn't. (He has to have his kids home by 5pm.) He didn't start trying to call me till 7:30..
When I left my friends house house I felt so much peace within myself. The mutual touching affection relaxed both of us. There was no sex. I told my friend that we CAN'T make a habit of what happened. He said can't isn't a word. It's negative. I told him again we CAN NOT make a habit of what happened. He didn't say anything and I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him. He hugged me back. He was so affectionate towards me. More then he was last summer. I felt the old feelings stirring in me and I told him that if we kept this up he wouldn't be happy because I would fall for him all over again and I don't want that either. He was quiet...
On my way home I decieded to check my VM and Charlie left me 4 of them and called 16 times. I could hear in his voice, panic, fear, anger, sarcasm. He was worried about me because I wasn't answering or returning his calls. So I called him on my way home.. 11:45.. He was full of questions and I was being very evasive like he has been doing to me for the past 6 months. He chewed me out for ignoring his calls, he made accusations that I was ignoring him (which I was), he would start asking me a question then would stop himself. He didn't dare ask me where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I could tell that he wanted to ask because he would start then he would stop himself. So I stated the questions I thought he wanted to ask and he said Yes that is what I was thinking.
Here is where I lied. I didn't tell him the truth. At first I was evasive like he has always done to me and he reacted the same way I did. So I took it a step further and started to reply like he has and he reacted even more the way I did. I asked him how it felt to feel that way..
He said I was being a bitch. I laughed at him because he finally knows what it feels like. I told him what he was feeling is EXACTLY what I have felt for the past 6 months. All the unansered questions, all the mystery, all the elusive comments avoiding answers. He couldn't say much. Then he replied "Whatever". I said "yeah exactly,, blow it off like you always do.. " "Whatever then." I said sarcastically.
He then charged at me with some restraint where I was. I told him I was out. He asked where, with who, where was I coming from, how far away I was, he asked me to come over to his place instead of going home and I said NO... (I was driving almost right past his place.) I said NO and I stuck to it. He asked me where I was and I lied and said I was on the other side of the Metro about 25 miles north. I lied.. I was 35 miles in his direction past his place. I told him I was out with the gals from my old support group and we were at Bennigans. I told him I had my cell in my purse and didn't check it so I didn't know he was calling until I left and looked at it in the car.
(Charlie told me that he got my message at 2pm when he came into reception on his way home from the cabin and he didn't bother to call me until 7:30.)
I lied to him to not hurt his feelings.
I didn't feel guilty last night but I feel like such a aweful liar this mornng.
My friend knew Charlie was calling and I was ignoring him. He told me that no one needed to know where I was and what I was doing. My son and my gf asked where I was headed and I said I am just going out and I'm going to keep it to myself. My gf giggled and said have fun. I know she is going to pry. My son looked at me with some irratation because I didn't tell him where I was going either.
I feel bad for lying to Charlie..
He was very upset and I could hear he was hurt in his voice. He told me that I had never done this to him before and he expressed he was pissed.
I asked him to take a look at how he is feeling and realize just what he has been doing to me for the past 2 weeks and also 2 months.
He said he will get together with me this week. Maybe tonight.
O'Hell I don't know what the **** to do. My head says ditch him. He isn't ready for me and then my underlying beliefs tell me he can change. I know he needs to change before he is any good for me and that doesn't mean he will change.
After being in my friends arms, him looking into my eyes, rubbing my back, playing with my fingers, carressing me in such a gentle and loving way I don't know if there is anything Charlie can do to save it.
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