[Cinia1510]

Hey guys (sorry this is a long one, but please, please, please - Im begging for advice!! I have no one else to talk to)

Has anyone ever moved away from their home town for a partner?
Any advice would be so so so much appreciated - I feel a bit lost and don’t know what to do!

I met my boyfriend in Guernsey around 3 n a half years ago, he moved there with his family and I met him through his sister, who was in my class at the time . .
He's never been the best of boyfriends, he's very controlling and likes everything to be his way and is very lazy (hence me having to make most sacrifices) but I loved him and didn’t care what anyone thought. . .
1 year into the relationship, his mother moved away and we were faced with the dilemma of "what we were going to do to stay together".

- Now, Guernsey has very strict rules of who can live there, If you are not born there, you have to apply for a licence to to live there (which can be a very short period), cannot buy a property until you have lived there 15 years or have to do a certain job to be classed as a "local person". It’s all very complicated!

I was 16 at the time and even though considered moving to England with him, we decided if he moved in with my family he could come under my father's licence . . it was a very big shock for my parents but they accepted - but the friends he knew were into drugs and J managed to get himself into a bit of trouble! . . . 6 months later, we discussed moving to - it was his idea and even though I was petrified and my friends and family didnt agree - I moved to England with him - he was the man of my life!

Things worked out better than imagined - he got himself a good and steady job, I did too, we rented to start with but eventually brought our own house . . I was excited, wanted to make MY HOUSE perfect and wanted my parents to be proud!
We spent loads of money on the house - we never had a lot of money - so life became a mundane routine . . in the same four walls - work, home, clean, watch TV, sleep - he never wanted to go out because he was tired from work - and hardly wouldn’t let me go out on my own, not without an argument anyway! (very jealous). . . .
. . . I became depressed, sex life went down the drain (I just do it to keep him happy!) and began feeling very, very homesick! I have recently found out my mother's illness has got worse and she cannot work so they are struggling with finances back home - It hurts knowing this and I miss them so much!
I split up with him after Christmas as I didn’t know what else to do! He reacted in a way which I never imagined - he looked so hurt and he promised me the world . . . so I got back with him and decided to give it another go.
He's gone form extreme to another, bless him, he's trying so hard, cooks most nights, is being very loving, is making an effort to go out more - but my homesick feelings aren’t going away! I’m also worried in case he'll just go back to normal as soon as he knows I’m staying for good.
There are so many issues, Its been constantly on my mind for months and I’ve weighted up so may issues that I don’t know what to think anymore! Honestly!

Am I being distant with him because I’m depressed?
And why now? Why didn’t I feel like this when I first moved?
Am I just with him because I’m so used to him being there?
Am I just scared of being alone?
Have I done this too young?
Was it just a “young” love that was destined to go wrong?

I'm missing out on the fun my friends are having, holidays, parties, shopping (which I never do! ) I feel lonely here, dont really know many people and it’s getting to the stage where I don’t want to go out (that's not me at all!!)
Its feels like something’s just “CLICKED” in my head – and I can’t stop questioning everything – and these thoughts and feelings just wont go away! I’m very, very close to my friends and family and I'm surprised with myself that I moved away – but I did it because I loved him (Im a bit of a dreamer I guess ) – it’s so scary because I thought he was it, my life planned out. Its scary to think if I went back, Id have nothing again, start again!
I think I KNOW I want to go back home, I don’t think these feelings will go away - but I’m so scared of regretting my actions once I'm there, regretting it. . . . .

"The grass is always greener on the other side" right?
"You only know what you've got till its gone" right?

Grrr, I just dont know what to do, I really dont! Im lost guys and Its driving me mad!!!!

Any advice? Pretty please?
xxx

[Elyssa]

I know exactly how you feel, Cinia. I moved from my original country (Spain) to the US to be able to be with my husband (he did not speak spanish hence moving with me wasn't a possibility). Its been nearly 2 years and every day I wish I could go back to my country. The only thing that makes it bareable is having him and knowing that when his spanish is good enough, we will move back.

Regarding your questions:

I think your homesick feelings started because the "novelty" feeling, the rush of the first few months wore off and routine started to settle in. This is normal, it happens in every relationship. Before, the intense happiness you feel with a new relationship starts, probably covered everything else.

You're with him because you love him, you're just not happy with your situation. Am I right?

I would recommend that you make new friends. I know its hard because you miss your own friends, but if you start going out more with new people, you will realize there's things to enjoy where you are too.

Yes you were very young when you did this, and you've probably matured and realized that you have a number of needs that are not being fulfilled. This, is normal too, it happens to every woman, and it is not surprising that the relationship that made you happy being 16, will not keep you happy at, say, 20, without some changes.

I think it really comes down to if you love him or not. After all, he is your husband. He's trying so hard, that you at least owe him giving it a chance too. You should speak to him and explain that you can no longer live there. See if he's willing to relocate with you? If he's not...well, I guess you have your answer huh?

-E

[Cinia1510]

Thank you Elyssa - its good to know Im not alone in this

I just feel like such a b*tch and feel quite selfish - because all I keep doing is concentrating on my own happiness. I know It was my decision to move here in the first place and I should try my best to make this work!
But can I just say - he is only a boyfriend (even though it feels like were a married couple! lol)

. . . What confuses me the most is that I WAS happy here once . . . the first year or so was fine - Ive made friends but not really the sort of people Id normally hang out with but in my eyes, 2 years ago - I didn't care where I was, as long as I was with him - then why don't I feel the same now? Has the honeymoon period worn off?

Its been going on for months now, and believe me I want to make this work, I want this confused/anxious feeling to go away - but it wont!
I'm so distant sometimes and s*x is always forced (I only really do it to keep him happy and quiet!) When I get home and were watching TV, he asks me to go and cuddle him and even that sometimes is forced!

I WANTED to go out when we first moved but we would argue a lot about this - now since I last spoke to him, he's being more accepting about it - but I dont want to go out anymore - like tonight, Ive been invited out for a drink but I get scared and feel all self-concious and end up making an excuse to why I can't go!
I used to be such a happy person, constantly laughing and joking around, outgoing - and people have noticed how I have changed When I go home (Guernsey) I feel so happy and feel like Im being "myself" - I dont even need anti-depressants when Im there!

Like I said before (its the only way I can explain) its like somethings just "Clicked" in my mind and all of a sudden I'm seeing everything different!
Its constantly in my mind - like two voices in my head arguing against eachother about what I should do. Ive asked so many "What if's" that no matter what I do, Im never going to be happy!

He wont move back with me . . he probably wouldnt be allowed back on the Island because he got himself into trouble last time he was there - and there are a few people back there that well . . "don't like him"
Plus, even if he was - he doesn't like any of my friends - never has and I just know we'd be arguing everytime I saw any of them! And we'd have to move back in with my parents . . that's not an option!

I know I should make more of an effort here, go out more etc . . but should I force myself to do something I dont want to do?

I'm unhappy with my job too and hate being here! . . But again, Ive had the same job since I moved here! Why now???!!!

. . . There was someone I met when I last went to Guernsey - nothing has happened and no I dont have feelings for him - but its made me realise that there are other men out there . . .
I think my main worry is being on my own, when speaking to friends about this I always say "but what If I never find anyone else?" and that shouldn't be my worry - it should be "what If I cant live without him?"

I'm scared of hurting J and I dont want to break his heart or ruin his life in any way either - what If I'm with him because its just easier to stay together?

My main question is really then - HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR IN LOVE?
Are you just meant to know?

Help! even more confused!

xxx

[Elyssa]

You are in a terrible situation, Cinia

You are indeed very young and seems to me that the fact that you're already having forced sex with him, your feelings may not be the same any longer.

If you don't want to have intimacy with him, you must tell him so and explain to him why. Sex is a wonderful thing, but I am sure your boyfriend would be much happier knowing that you are truly enjoying the experience rather than just doing it because it keeps him happy.
Don't do that to yourself, you're way too young to fall into such an apathetic, sad situation

It is OK not to want to have sex sometimes, and he must accept that. But then, you must ask yourself, why do you not want to touch him, ever? If it's an occasional thing (you're sick, or too tired, etc), its perfectly normal, but the fact that you say it's always forced and you don't want so much as cuddling, raises quite a few red flags. If you love somebody, you should want to touch him and have an intimacy... it's human nature.

Its normal that you are curious about other men, but remember that, as your partner and friend, you owe him your respect and loyalty. Do not get involved into an emotional affair only to satisfy the needs he does not fulfill. Explain to him how you feel and why, and give him a chance to correct it.

In any case, you are very young, and this relationship is obviously not making you happy. If these things just end up not working, you should break up with him and go back home. Both of you deserve to have a fulfilled life, and if the situation does not improve, it's not fair to either of you to stay together.

Never be afraid of change, Cinia, you never know what wonderful things it may bring.

-E

When you stop enjoying things that you used to enjoy, that's a symptom of depression. When you want to stay home and hide rather than go out with people you like, that's a symptom of depression.

Could you two not move somewhere new that's closer to your old home? Start over in a new place where you can go home to visit more often?

[Cinia1510]

Thank you so so much for your advice! Elyssa - have you ever thought of becoming a councillor? You put things in certain ways that really help, thank you!

I’m a bit confused about the sex thing – now I’m questioning whether I’ve actually EVER really enjoyed it! Well, obviously I like the “closeness” but I’ve never really had an orgasm. Is it because I don’t get turned on by my current partner or is it something that I’m gonna have to live with no matter who I’m with?! I don’t want to finish this relationship just because of that!

At the moment I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just “comfortable” with him or if it’s really love . . .
I’ve been looking on the net about meanings of love, doing silly tests to see if me and him are compatible, testing myself and my feelings when I'm around him, testing If I miss when Im not? – but I’ve questioned it so much that I don’t know anything anymore! LOST!

Love is explained in so many different ways – it’s different for different people – everyone has different standards and I don’t know what I want mine to be! I think I do WANT a sexually active relationship but will I be able to have one? Even with someone else?
We’ve already started having little arguments over it – I dread getting into bed and he tries to (you know what) and I say no for whatever reason – he just goes on and on sometimes and I end up saying yes to keep him happy – and even though he knows he’s forced me in a way, he’s still ok with it I think!
- Won’t this just get worse? A lot or relationships suffer because of this, if were already arguing over it – imagine when we have kids ad are married – should I just give up now?
The other thing is, is that I am a very loving person normally – I love cuddling my friends and family (being Portuguese) like to kiss my close friends on the cheek – its normal for me to do that, its my way of showing I care!

I think Im the sort of person who needs someone there – I don’t like being alone . . My friend told me the other day "don't hold on to a relationship just because you need to be needed" - does it sound like what Im doing?

I’m homesick, depressed and its constantly on my mind – constantly weighing things up – after a horrible day at work, I go home feeling down – then (because he knows I’m thinking of going back and is trying so hard to make me happy) he gets home from work, is being very loving, offering to do things for me all the time . . . and then I think “What if I never find another man like this?” and it scares me!
Sometimes I wonder if I’m only having doubts because of the strain the “homesickness/depression” is having on me – I’ve never had depression and it honestly feels like I’m going mad! I’ve started talking to myself – is that a sign?! Lol!

I miss the “happy me” and I miss my good friends and my family and I WANT them back – but what I’m petrified of is getting back to Guernsey and regretting it - what If Im even worse when I'm there? Is it a chance Ive got to take?

I don’t think there is an option of moving to another place – there are a lot of issues with my partner moving to Guernsey (read first post) and to me, moving to a completely "new" place together and starting again wont make much differece to the way I feel . . He's prepared to do that (not Guernsey but anywhere else in England) but I dont think I am

We've got so much here, he's got a fantastic job and we've done so well with our house at our age - everyone is so proud and always complementing on "how well were doing" - it would be so strange giving that all up to start again. . . . I dont know babe!! Im making excuses eh?!!

"When you stop enjoying things that you used to enjoy, that's a symptom of depression. When you want to stay home and hide rather than go out with people you like, that's a symptom of depression."
Then how can I make these symptoms go away?!!! Believe me, I do want things to just go back to the way they were - its been months now and nothings changed

I remember when I first moved here - my friends and family couldnt believe that I was actually gonna do it - I just kept telling them "I'll try it, and dont worry, if it doesnt work out, I'll just come back" and to me, then it seemed so simple . . . . . but its not!!!
Maybe I should just accept that Ive tried it out here and that its not the place for me, go back to Guernsey and start again - live in the moment and accept my future there? . . .