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My ex came over last night...
As I had posted here before, over a week ago my g/f and I broke up. We hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks. We'd talked a bit on the phone. It seemed that things were... well, not exactly happy. But we're trying to be amicable towards each other and hope that maybe we can be friends in the future.
As for me, I'd be trying to busy myself with other things. I'd actually been feeling okay this past week.
So yesterday she calls me, was visiting a friend in the neighbor and wants to drop by. She said she just wanted to talk a little bit.
I hesitated for a second, thinking maybe it's not such a good idea. At the same time, though, I thought it might not be a bad thing to just sit down and talk a bit. So I said "yes".
She comes over and it was awkward at first. She was kind of nervous. We hugged, though and sat down to talk. She wanted to ask a couple things about our relationship and so on. I tried to oblige her with answers, but I just wonder if she's looking for an answer she's not going to get. For example, she asked me what it was she did that made me not want to be with her. I told her than the issues we had and the pain we put each other through was too much. That it wasn't just one single thing, but just a whole lot of things that added up together didn't make for a good relationship. The thing is, she knows this already. We've talked about it plenty. And the breakup itself... Well, I guess this time was more me than her, but she knew that we probably should break up. She'd talked about it before and hell, she had broken up with me twice already (even if each time was less than 24 hours). I felt it was mutual.
But then... God, I don't know why she did this. She moves closer to me and starts stroking my hair like she always used to. I must have looked like a deer in the headlights, because I totally froze up. Part of me wanted to just grab her and hold her and just not let go. But part of me knew that by doing that, it would just make things that much more difficult... She sensed this, obviously, and asked what was wrong. I said I felt scared. She got upset... and she left with barely saying goodbye. It's like she was trying to get close again... like we hadn't broken up.
I feel guilty over what happened. I know I shouldn't. Just her touch, though, brought everything right back to the surface. I just want to hold her so badly right now. She even says that she wishes we could just have a clean slate. That we could erase everything that happened that was bad and start over. But we can't. It's just not that simple. It never is.
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