I guess this is more a vent than anything and I’m sure it’s going to be a long one.
I started NC last Wednesday and to be honest, I have been feeling quite good about it…. until today.
For some reason I have not been able to stop thinking about her all day and it feels like I have a hole where my stomach should be – almost to the point of feeling nauseous.
Don’t worry, I have no intention of breaking NC – I’m hurting as bad as ever, but I’m not looking at contact with her as a way to ease my pain. I know that this is an internal battle that has to be won by me.
I have been through 2 major break-ups in the past 4 years and I have never been able to cut contact this early. I am proud of myself for learning from my mistakes of the past and for taking this pain rather than looking for a quick fix.
With the last 2 break-ups, I would implement NC as a last resort…after I had done so much damage that I had no option. I would literally try and try…plead and beg…argue and reason…until my ex would be completely fed up with me and (I felt) pity me. I would run my own self-respect into the ground the whole time I stayed in contact with them. I look back my behaviour now and cringe.
On this occasion however, I didn’t do any of this. We broke up, I told her I loved her and agreed to meet her in a month to see if things had changed – they hadn’t. She was quite insecure that evening – she seemed to be constantly trying to find out if I had started seeing anyone…but I kept my cards close to my chest. I asked her if there was any hope for ‘us’ in the immediate future and she said “I’ll have to say no...at the moment”. (They always have to get those words of hope in there at the end, huh?
)
I told her that I would take that as a no, and thanked her. She asked why I had thanked her and I just said that it had helped me, as I realised that my fight was over and I had to move on.
I emailed the next day to clarify where I was coming from and posted the email on the board: The “One Final Email” thread. In that email I told her about a date that I have organised for this week as well (perhaps slightly vindictive on my part…I suppose I weakened for a second and wanted a parting shot)
My pain comes from the fact that I do want her back, and I know that my pain will only ease as I start to let go of that desire (easier said than done).
There is one thing that keeps me strong throughout this, and I’m not sure if it’s healthy?
It’s the fact that I know by implementing NC that I have denied her the one thing that she wanted: She wanted to stay in touch with me, and to keep her eye on my progress (her paranoia about whether I had met anyone told me that she was worried about the prospect, and is at least partly behind her desperate desire to stay in contact)
I walked away from her after having a great night with her and leaving a good impression. I never lost my self-respect and she never saw me beg or grovel…as much as I felt like I wanted to at times (old habits die hard). And I walked away from her leaving the impression that I am moving on.
I guess what is keeping me strong is the fact that I stayed nice, civil and mature throughout the break-up – but also caused her pain by terminating the ‘friendship’ she desired.
If you’ve read this, I thank you. I just really needed to get all of this off my chest as I have had the worst day (emotionally) since the break-up.
I could really do with some words of encouragement at the moment, or if anyone sees anything unhealthy about my current behaviour (perhaps my motivation for staying strong) and can give me some advice....I'd appreciate it.
Hybrid Mode
