In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
To make a long story short, for a long time I was mad about this guy I've known for around 6 years. I was completely crazy about him but he kept rejecting me, although we were great friends. One day I got tired of it and decided to forget about him (around summer '04), I was so frustrated with the whole thing, I went to see him to give it some sort of closure and that was that. I started doing other things, started seeing other people, around September of that year he surprised me when he said he wanted to be with me, that he acted the way he acted cuz he didn't know how to act in those situations, that he'd do anything for me, but I'd become so frustrated that I told him to forget about it, that we could keep on being friends and all that but nothing more. After that he sort of dissappeared for 6 months, maybe a bit more. Then we started talking again, we never talked about "it", then I dissappeared for a while, and recently we've started talking again, like we used to before all of this happened. So last night I saw him and we talked for about 2 hours, and I don't know what to think.. I still feel that connection between us, I don't think about how he rejected me anymore, no hard feelings there, I just feel like I wanna spend more time with him, but I cannot mention anything about what happened before, because I don't know how he feels therefore he must not know how I feel (fear of being rejected again). So what should I do? I'm very confused. Thanks.
around September of that year he surprised me when he said he wanted to be with me, that he acted the way he acted cuz he didn't know how to act in those situations, that he'd do anything for me, but I'd become so frustrated that I told him to forget about it, that we could keep on being friends and all that but nothing more.
OK. I'm sorry to sound judgemental on this one, but this is a situation that rings familliar for me.
In my opinion, both of you have made mistakes here. He should not have rejected you. Nonetheless, you care considerably for him even now, and you did then. When the poor guy explained how he initially thought very highly about you, that he cared for you very much but just felt uncomfortable in how to deal with his affection for you, what did you do?
You let negativity seep in and you rejected him - or worse yet, you stuck him in the old "friends zone." We both know that's a fate worse than death for a guy that deeply cares for a girl. Sorry to dump on ya here, but I'm wondering even if when you rejected him that first time, it was against your own better judgement of the situation.
You may well have broken his heart at that time, evidenced by the fact that...
Quote:
After that he sort of dissappeared for 6 months, maybe a bit more.
Then, to add insult to injury, when you get back to talking with him, you not only never tried to help heal the situation between you both, but you then did another disappearing act for a bit.
I feel what you both did to each other was plainly and simply pointless. What did you both gain by rejecting each other, when your hearts were likely subconsciously telling you both to embrace the situation?
My advice? Here it is...
If by God's grace you have found your way back in each other's company, then be heartily thankful that you've both been given that second chance, and for Pete's sake, be honest with the man, and with yourself. I would encourage him to do the same.
If it doesn't work with honesty and heartfelt communication, then it won't work. Period.
Max
__________________ Max Caress "Max Cares ... Tell Me Evvvvvvverythang!"
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th February 2006 at 6:08 PM..
Thanks for replying. Yes I know we both did wrong but I can't undo anything right now and neither can he. The thing now is I have no idea how he feels. Last night he went out of his route to go meet me at 4 am, we talked and laughed so much, it was incredible; but that's no sign of anything. Before leaving I asked him for a hug and it was so sweet, then he said "I haven't seen you in a long time". I don't know... should I bring up the subject? I'm afraid of rejection and of looking stupid, yet I think it would be wrong to pretend I don't remember anything, and it would be pointless to hide my feelings. Argh, this is complicated. If he does feel the same way now, I KNOW he won't say anything cuz I was the one who rejected him the last time. He's currently single, and so am I. I'm stuck here.
I'm afraid of rejection and of looking stupid, yet I think it would be wrong to pretend I don't remember anything, and it would be pointless to hide my feelings.
Well, afterall, you do have a little time here. You've only re-met each other a couple of times. Nonetheless, to be frank, you may be letting pride and a fear of awkwardness get in the way of making your true feelings known.
Never NEVER let pride come in the way of affection.
If you let your feelings be known to him, and he rejects you, you won't die. You won't collapse into a heap of broken humanity. You will, however, know the way he feels about you, and you'll know you had the strength as a woman to put yourself out there, and take the chance for something that may not only be salvageable, but could prove to be tremendously positive in both your lives.
Better to know than to continue on and never know for sure.
If you really feel that he will not bring it up again, then you clearly have a choice to make.
It's not pride.. I mean I pursued the guy for a long time, for more than 1 year, I used to send him emails telling him how I felt, I completely humiliated myself for such a long time and I know I must've seemed stupid and ridiculous, I can't go back to that... But I will tell him eventually.. I just wish I could find out how he feels without having to ask him.
So Saturday night he texted me and we texted eacdh other for a few hours, then I called him and talked for more than an hour. We had such a good conversation, I really enjoy talking to him. So HOW do I approach the subject? I don't even know if he wants to talk about it! I know he's not gonna say anything about it, it's completely up to me.. Do you guys think he's into me? I have no idea!!
Well, he read the email. He texted me that we would talk when he got home (he's in the middle of moving) and I texted back "hey don't worry, I know we've had this conversation before and it's always the same outcome, we don't even have to talk cuz I know what you're gonna say" (which I guess was a pretty childish thing to say) and then we talked on the phone and he was like "don't worry, everything's fine, f*ck the past" and I'm like "that's alright, you don't have to say anything out of pity" (I guess that's how my defense mechanism works) and then he said that he wants to see me again too and I think I didn't say anything, I realized I was screwing up lol, better keep my mouth shut. Then he went on to say what he did after he got off work, then I said goodbye cuz I realized he was sleepy (and I was out having something to eat) and he said "I'll call you tomorrow" and that was that.. I feel good for having been honest, I don't regret any of it, but why do I keep thinking so negatively? I guess it's because of things that happened between us before, and my own negativity (better to think things aren't gonna work out, just in case, so I don't get hurt) but I wanna stop that. Still, I don't wanna get my hopes up, just in case.
So he didn't call today.. I went online during the afternoon and he talked to me, we talked for a few minutes and then I went offline. I thought he would call (or at least text me) later in the evening but he didn't. I think he said what he said last night because he didn't wanna be rude saying the opposite, or maybe he changed his mind because of what I said ("you don't have to say anything out of pity" etc). Any advice? I don't know if I'm exaggerating here.
So he didn't call today.. I went online during the afternoon and he talked to me, we talked for a few minutes and then I went offline. I thought he would call (or at least text me) later in the evening but he didn't. I think he said what he said last night because he didn't wanna be rude saying the opposite, or maybe he changed his mind because of what I said ("you don't have to say anything out of pity" etc). Any advice? I don't know if I'm exaggerating here.
Don't overanalyze things yet. He's a guy. We're not good with the phone for one thing. Don't let negativity creeep in Lela. You did right by talking to him ... though you shouldn't have let yourself be negative with the "pity" thing. Just give him a bit of space, don't crowd him. He knows how you feel. Just chill a little. Be honest and forthright with him, meet him on an equal level. If he calls, be normal about your conversation, be upbeat as you were beforehand, let him direct how much you both talk about the past. Just be a caring, fun girl to be with, and do your best to draw the good things out of him too. Build on a good foundation lela. Just let things settle back a little ...
But... that doesn't mean disappear altogether? Riiiiight?
Thanks for replying.. I feel stupid cuz it's like I'm doing the same thing again, acting pushy (although I haven't called him today or anything), I just wanna relax and see what happens but I can't help thinking that I screwed up last night, or that I screwed up a long time ago when I rejected him in that conversation. About the going out thing, how many days should I wait for him to ask me out? I mean how many days would be a reasonable amount of time?
So we're talking on msn and I ask him if he was surprised by the email.. he says that he was.. and I ask him why.. 20 minutes later, still no answer, I say "too many questions huh" and he says he's caught up at work and I'm like "ok", he didn't say anything else, I changed my nickname to "deja vu" cuz this is what he used to do before, he would keep quiet and then all of a sudden say something and then more silence. I went offline a few minutes later. I understand that he could be a little confused from all this but I'm starting to feel like a fool, and I don't know what to think. I wanna know what he's thinking but I can't keep asking him, if he can't even answer a simple question like that.
Yesterday I asked him what was he doing after work, he said he had to go buy a few things and move a few things then he wasn't doing anything, so I said I'd like to see him and he said he'd call me when he was finished. He got off work around 6 pm, at 9:45 pm I called him and he said he was still getting things out of boxes, that he'd be done shortly, would take a shower and call me. 11:10 pm and nothing, I called him again and he didn't pick up. Called him two more times (last call was at 12 am) and nothing. I left him a voicemail and a text message, saying that if he didn't wanna see me he could just say it, no big deal.
So this morning I go online and he says he's really sorry, that some friends came over with some beer and he drank 4 beers and fell asleep and saw the missed calls and messages this morning. And of course I'm pissed off, so I didn't say much. Then I asked him if it was safe to assume that he was not gonna fix it, and he said again that he was really sorry and that yes we could go out another day if I still wanted to. And I said that if he wanted to ask me out then do it, it's not too late yet, and if he didn't want to we could just forget about it, and he didn't say anything, went away after a while.
What is up here? Is this revenge? Is he scared? Or is he just not interested in me? Thanks.
I could totally understand if he's not into me, but WHY won't he tell me? We've been friends for a long time, it's very unfair that he's doing this. I don't know if I should say anything else to him, I'm starting to feel like I'm begging him but I'm not, I just wanna know the truth.
It is unfair. But guys are just like that. He won't tell you because he probably just doesn't want to deal with it. He's probably just hoping in his selfish little mind that you'll get the hint and go away. I know exactly how you feel and it is SO frustrating. You just have to let it go, as hard as that is, to maintain your dignity.
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