I believe I finally woke up and smelled what the hell it has been that has really bothered me lately. I knew there was something that wasn't right in my relationship with Charlie and I am confident what it is and what can be done to resolve this..
Let me explain a bit of how/why I've been crazy, biaytchy, pushy, and irradict the past 2-3 weeks.
I have been feeling really insecure and out of sorts the past few weeks. I couldn't understand why. I was thinking it was because he had female friends. (which I am not reallly comfortable with -because I don't understand those kids of friendships-- but I can tolerate it.)
I have been weighing out the facts:
*he calls me everyday.. sometimes several times a day.
*he sees me on average 5-6 days a week
we spend almost whole weekends together every other weekend (no kids weekends)
*he gives me gifts here and there.
*he pays for almost everything when were out.
*he introduced me to his family and a few freinds within the first few weeks of dating.
*he has shared many intimate and painful details of his divorce, relationsihp w/XW and XGF..
He has been open with me and attentitive but for some goofy reason I was feeling very insecure and uneasy.
I took half of Weds and all of Thurs off work because my best friend was in town. She and I met up with Charlie Weds evening. She and I got to the rest/bar early and already each had a drink and was starting our second when Charlie showed up. I had been expressing to her all the things that have bothered me about Charlie and my relationship. I had been pushing on Charlie about a few things heavily and I am really surprised he didn't tell me to take a hike...(he really does care deeply
for me and wants to work through our differences.)
Anyway, I had a bit of a buzz going when he showed up because I hadn't eaten much all day.
I had been feeling so insecure for the past 2 weeks and couldn't get over the feeling..
Well I made a ass of myself.. I was acting like a 16 yr old immature girl trying to get attention from a boy she likes. I look back at myself and YES I am/was a 37 year old woman acting like a childish 16 year old girl.. I am embarrassed now.
I was embarrassing him by my actions, I humiiated him by my words, I was acting demanding for his total focus.
I AM REALLY EMBARRASSED...
I felt like I was going to explode and I was really trying to keep myself together. I felt like I was on the edge of crying, screaming, throwing a temper tantrum (I didn't). But anyone could see and feel I wasn't right emotionally.. The more alcohol I consumed the more intense my feelings got. (bad bad bad.)
I stopped after my 2nd drink.. I knew if I had another I couldn't drive and I would lose total control of myself.
When I went to the bathroom Charlie started to unload to my gf about my behavior. He told her that he really really cares about me but the more crazy I get like this the worse he gets. He told her he has tried to ignor me when I get emotional but it was starting to TAX on him bad.. Then I came back and he shut up.
On the way home my gf ripped into me. She put me in my place and jumped my shyt bad... I listened to her because she and I are very very close and she only wants the best for me. I trust her with her opinons and what she says... She is observant and witnessed things I didn't realize I was doing.
She and Charlie are very much alike in the way they conduct themselves. They both are logical persons who express themselves through gift giving and spending time with the persons they feel close with.. They are NOT the huggy, touchy, feely type people.. Where as I AM the huggy, touchy, feely kind of person.. We are opposites..
After she chewed me out, I absorbed her words and then we discussed the matters at hand. I had time to think it all through and bounce things off her.
She left Thurs morning and Charlie called me to come to his end of town and spend the day with him so I did. He was calmer and forgiving of my attitude and actions the night before. He was normal. I had a hard time understanding how he could be so forgiving and blow it all off so soon. We had a wonderful afternoon together.. Then last night it all came up on the phone until 1:30 am (I had to be up for work today at 7am).
We talked (bickered) about how I have been acting.
He really explained to me that he wasn't raised in a touchy, feely home growing up. He said he is NOT the kind of man who displays affection in public. He told me he WILL NOT greet me with a hug or a kiss in public or anyplace else really because he is not that kind of person. He said he NEVER has been. He said in the bedroom it is different. (Which is true, he is very loving, sensitive, gentle, kind, and giving.) but in public he isn't.
He is not the type to touch for no reason. He is touchy when he is eight-sheets in the wind but not when he is sober. His beleifs are if he meets me in a restaurant he will not greet me with a kiss or a hug because that is showing possession to everyone in the establishement. He will greet me with a smile and a hi.
I see a simple kiss and a hug as a sign of affection and love for the other person. To me this kind of gesture from my SO means "Hi, I missed you and I am very happy to be with you again." (we view this differently)
He also isn't one for words of affirmation. He isn't one to give a compliment or talk about his feelings. He expresses his feelings in the things he does for someone; like, helping out with somethng or buying the person something to help them or something they need. His words are in his actions..
I am the kind of person that is very expressionable. I express verbally and openly what I feel, what I am feeling, and how I feel about the person. place or event. I am very very very communicative.. I use words he uses actions.. (as you can see we are opposite in our communication techniques).
Last night I could barely sleep; my mind ran wild, trying to resolve this matter that is causing him and I so much distress and I figured it out...
I called him this morning and
I said "Charlie I have figured this out.. "
he said "You have?"
i said "I need you to work with me on this problem and I need your help" he said "ok, what?"
i siad "you are the kind of person that shows your thoughts and feelings by actions. I am the kind of person that needs touch and words of affirmation."
he said "yes"
so I requested "Could you please make a little effort to touch me more, like touch my shoulder or caress my back when you are near me a little bit from time to time or rub my knee or put your hand on my knee and could you please give me possitive words about ME to ME once in awhile even if is a little compliment?"
he said "Yes"
I told him I need to be touched and I need to hear possitive words from him to feel validation. I explained to him that a genuine, kind, sensitive touch means more to me then him giving me a ring on my finger.
I told him it may sound extrememe to him but for me I am touchy feely and I need those things filled in my life to feel full, balanced, healthy and happy.
He seemed to understand me.
So I think I really discovered completely what has been bothering me. I wasn't getting my love tanks filled.
He is a giver and doer I am a feeler and a talker. Opposites attract..
So he and I need to learn to compromise and learn to give what each other needs in order to feel healthy in our relationship.
He is willing to work on giving me touch and words a little bit. I didn't ask for him to give me a lot. I asked him to work on giving me a little..
We see good things in one another, we enjoy being together, we have fun when we go out, we share very similiar interests.
Relationship troubles ARE worth working out if both parties chose too.. I think he is willing, able and understanding.. He has told me he wants to get through this, he said he is able and understanding of what I need.
I really learned more about myself because of this.. Touch and possitive words give me strength and reassurance without them I fall apart!!
Self discovery .. is AWESOME..
I've been stupified and realized why!! (long)
Linear Mode
