I posted a thread in the Break Up/Second Chances section entitled "Overcoming Emotional Barriers Thru Fear" where my gf and I split over a few arguments. As her reasoning for ending didn't make sense, and I sensed she was pushing me away when she didn't want to, I didn't give up.
On Sunday, I told her that I'd been pushed too far and that unless she stops burying hrt herad in the sand, I am off. At this point she said "are you dumoping me?". This is AFTER she dumped me and kept rejecting me. She then broke down crying and admitted she never wanted me to go but that she feels not worthy of me and all my attempts to be there for her made her even more convinced she didn't deserve me.
She admitted to extremely low self esteem. She is beautiful yet thinks she's ugly and she doesn't think she deserves happiness. She was in a abd relationship where her husband put her down and led a double life. She only found out when he was hauled off to jail for fraud after 6 months of mariage and as a result, I've been suffering. Eg: I changed jobs and that freaked her because her ex kept changing jobs and was a good for nothing dreamer/loser. I would like to have my own business one day but that freaked her out as her ex wanted his own business (and embezzled people to get funds) etc.
She says she had LSE even before her ex.
How can she/I do to help her get over this? She wants to know why she has it and how to defeat it. She feels that unless she can love herself, she cannot love anyone else and, as far as we are concerned, she doesn't want to break up again over nothing.
She will most likely need some professional individual counseling to help her deal with the negative comments, critizing she received when she was in her previous relationship. A counselor is not magical and can not make her self esteem high, but they can at least guide her in the right direction as far as talking about things, and getting it out in the open. She will have to learn over time how to help herself feel better about her self/relationships etc. You can tell her all day long shes beautiful, etc, which is fine, but until she truly believes that, then it will be that way with her.
Jade
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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
I usually never venture out of the coping thread but I saw this post and it struck a nerve..
I can emphathize with your gf Ice 9, because I have eben recovering and dealing with a breakup (my x lover, broke it off from me back in April and finally in August) Well since then its been a struggle, but I am healing. But to make a long story short, he was a narcissist and often made critical comments indirectly about me and my looks. During the relationship, I always felt not ggod enough. As he would look at other women or make comments that implied I was not hot enough... As I was always seeking his approval I could not see that his actions and comments were eatting at my self esteem. Of course I see now that my self esteem was low to begin with so I was not strong enough to say "ENOUGH. I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM." (I am not bragging I know I am attractive, but I assure you I felt like a walking cyclops because of the little things he would say)
I know that (and have been working on developing my self esteem. Part of it getting stronger is being away from him. Its a blessing now to be out of a negative relationship. The "X " I was with never accomplished much so he took pleasure in tearing down my efforts as a actress. He was not supportive.
No one can rebuild her self esteem except your gf, but try to understand she has been emotionally damage as a result of her negative previous relationship.
Thx for replies. I know I cannot do anything. Just wondered what she can do. Can she ust believe in herself, can she learn from books or will she need pro help?
Thx for replies. I know I cannot do anything. Just wondered what she can do. Can she ust believe in herself, can she learn from books or will she need pro help?
One can say slight depression or reclusiveness on her part can lead to anxiety or panic attacks and might aggravate the problem later or have a adverse impact on her personality! And psychiatric consultation cannot be carried life long, neither medication can. The problem lies within and so does the solution! I think one should try going for what selftherapy.org has to offer. I myself tried it and have been emotionally more stable than I could ever imagine!
The most important thing I have realised by now is that knowing how to handle situations with confidence and ease is the solution that works in the long term. That way I am no longer in need of pills to sleep, medications to keep my depression at bay and doctors to keep wondering the inside of my head! selftherapy.org has gone a long way in helping me realise the worth of a tension free, happy living. I suggest you take a look at that - it might be worth it for you. Else you've got nothing to lose anyways!
I don't think you can "learn" self esteem from books. I am confused as to why people think that is a solution. Has anyone had any experience with reading a book and suddenly feeling better about yourself? And if so, what was the title of that book?
I don't think you can "learn" self esteem from books. I am confused as to why people think that is a solution. Has anyone had any experience with reading a book and suddenly feeling better about yourself? And if so, what was the title of that book?
Some people relate better to reading, it just depends. I personally learn a lot more from reading and self-reflection than I do from counseling.
See, for me at least, I have to figure out what is wrong on my own and deal with it on my own. Getting advice from others is great but until you really sit down and rationalize with yourself what is wrong and dedicate yourself to correcting the problem no amount of counceling or talking will matter.
Hey, I totally hear your situation. Having low self esteem is extremely difficult on everyone involved. I have it. I understand how my upbringing created it & was perpetuated by poor choices in previous bf's, yet understanding the "why" hasn't helped much. In my case I had a wonderful bf who tried as much as he could to be patient & supportive. LSE caused me to push him away with hurtful words. Everyone has their breaking points, my ex included, and he left just a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what advice to give you as the bf except that it is a tough road ahead to love someone with LSE. Take time for yourself and keep things in perspective. You have to do a really good job at taking care of yourself b/c the relationship will take a lot out of you (b/c she is not taking care of herself when her LSE is in high gear).
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
therapy @ your own self
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