Is there a general rule to how long until a guy is in 'the friend zone'? I've heard lots of stories on here how the guy likes a girl, but is too scared to ask her out and he gets cast in the friends zone. I've heard other stories where the guy and girl start off as 'friends' but grow into more as time passes. So what makes these kind of situations different?
Good question...wish I had the answer...it puzzles me too.
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I want to believe that 'friends' could become more (over time, of course)....
If you are friends with someone, you already know them. You know what their likes and dislikes are. You really know their soul. If she wasnt a pleasant person, then you would have stopped being her friend long ago. I'd like to think that knowing a person as a true friend would make a relationship easier to handle. However, I have heard that that could be a downfall in some relationships....
I guess this question can best be answered by women. Because I think they are the ones that have rules like "i won't date you b'cos you are my friend". I am not saying that all women are like this but its very apparent that women prefer to date strangers but not their guy friends.
__________________ "She keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city;
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The friends zone is not some black hole where you can never escape and it's not because you made a wrong move that cast you into the friends zone. You end up there, because after some evaluation from the girl's side, which might last from a couple of minutes to a couple of dates, she decided she didn't feel enough attraction for you. I sometimes stopped like people because I saw something that I didn't like and then I put them in the friends zone. They might get out of it one day, I think, if they overcome their problem, but most people are just very resistant to any major changes therefore they stay in the friends zone. Just because you are a friend doesn't mean that you are carrying a stigma that prevents you from ever becoming anything more, rather I think, as you don't change and the thing I don't like about you stays, why should my feelings for you change? Unless the flaw is not a real flaw and I was simply not fair in my judgement, of course, then you might stay as you are and my altered perception of you will lead me to reconsider my feelings for you. And being too skittish and too scared of her can be a "flaw" that many girls don't find very attractive.
If the potential for a real chemistry is there with time two people will feel the growing attraction and that's when friends become lovers.
You end up there, because after some evaluation from the girl's side, which might last from a couple of minutes to a couple of dates, she decided she didn't feel enough attraction for you.
Hi Loony,
Can you throw more light on the "evaluation" part?
It takes zero time. I know within the first 5 minutes whether I would (ever) **** a guy or not. If I know I would (at some point) want to **** him, he will never be in the friends zone even if it takes years. I first met my most recent ex when he was married, years ago, and met him again 2 years after his divorce. Previously, he had been off limits, but I still knew that (if he were available) I would very much enjoy the prospect of ****ing him.
If I know that I wouldn't want to **** someone, the fact remains true regardless of the amount of time/effort he may put into persuing me.
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Yes, it's difficult to recover once she's developed attitudes about you that aren't consistent with what she wants in a mate - attitudes can be strong and time is short. But my experience mirrors what loony is saying...I've been in some situations where the girl has at first rejected me or thought one thing about me, then later gave me the signals that the game was on again. It didn't happen immediately, but over time.
True, in most cases, a girl doesn't know you, you make some impression on her that doesn't sit well, and she changes the channel so to speak. And because it's so much easier just to move on to someone else (for both of you), in an overwhelming majority of cases, that's all she wrote.
Although I don't advocate hanging around as a friend, there may be situations in which you can later reconnect as friends and develop something from that. I've had at least two relationships in which women have put me in the friends zone, only to have me come out of it later. I didn't hang around as a friend, but I guess they were comfortable enough around me to consider me a friend. If they didn't have anything to do on a Friday or Saturday, they'd call me up and likewise, and sometimes we'd just hang out. It eventually turned into more as they got to know me better and I started letting my guards down and stopped putting on a performance.
I do believe in some techniques when it comes to making a first impression - or at least not blowing your chances out of the water. Most important of which is to just sit back and let the woman chit chat on the first date/encounter/whatever you want to call it. I used to blow so many first dates by pushing too hard too soon. You should use this time to learn about your date.
But don't play games...be careful about reading too much of the D.DeAngelo/Doc Love stuff. Some of their advice about not coming on too strong in the beginning is good, but if I'd listened to the venerable loony a little sooner I woulda realized that some of their stuff is just crap. When you have a connection, you know it, and you will keep it unless you do something that royally ****s it up...which many times is simply by trying to be someone you're not.
It takes zero time. I know within the first 5 minutes whether I would (ever) **** a guy or not. If I know I would (at some point) want to **** him, he will never be in the friends zone even if it takes years. I first met my most recent ex when he was married, years ago, and met him again 2 years after his divorce. Previously, he had been off limits, but I still knew that (if he were available) I would very much enjoy the prospect of ****ing him.
If I know that I wouldn't want to **** someone, the fact remains true regardless of the amount of time/effort he may put into persuing me.
hahaha.. great post! you put things in black and white!
as much as we may want to sugar-coat the pill its true that physical appearence and the subsequent attraction is the major factor.
Yeah, what otter's sayin is true...there's gotta be an attraction quotient. Raw attraction rarely ever goes away (for both sexes) unless the person just 'lets themselves go' and does unattractive things.
Case in point: there's this chick I have always thought was kinda cute but she's a smoker - that's a big turn off for me. But if she were ever to stop, I'd be more inclined to pursue her.
I'm sure it's the same for women, irrespective of whatever hangups may block their conscious ego from accepting a romance at any given time.
There is raw attraction (which is almost always there) and then there is the conscious ego which must give the final approval to the romance. It's the conscious ego that decides whether this really goes down or not. But all the while, mother nature is there pushing, urging, begging for it to take place...that natural urge lasts a long, long time.
Can you throw more light on the "evaluation" part?
Thanks
Hm, it's just the part where you think if the guy you are having in front of you would be a good partner for you or not. I'm sure guys will do the same. People have different moral sets, different hobbies, different physical preferences, etc. All these things will be part of the evaluation process. A vegetarian might look for a non-meat eater, someone who likes sport might prefer a partner who is also into sports, a Christian might only go for someone of the same faith, others on the other hand might prefer a partner who is different and who offers them insight into different areas of life, what people seek in a partner is really varied and where you put the emphasis depends solely on you.
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