Wife gets furious (and sometimes physically violent) when I ask innocuous questions
I've been married for about 5 years and am having a really tough time dealing with my wife. Most of the time, she is a sweet, caring and loving person. But every now and then, something triggers an anger outburst, during which she is verbally abusive towards me and occasionally gets physically violent. After the outbursts, she'll go into a funk (during which she acts like a zombie around the house and won't respond to anything I say) for anywhere from a day to about a week. She has been violent around the home (slamming glasses on the floor, throwing cans against the wall, etc.), and dangerous in our car (getting into road rage, stopping the car in the middle of a busy street to stop and scream at me, swerving the car onto dirt turnouts). I've tried to get her to counseling, but she won't go. She just blames me for all her problems.
A few other tidbits, as I don't have much time right now.
Most of the time when I ask my wife if she knows where something is or some other harmless question, she gets very angry just at the question being asked – even though I ask politely.
She never apologizes after she has an anger outburst.
If I try to advise her on financial, consumer matters, etc, she refuses to accept my advice and often gets visibly angry. However, if given the same advice from a neutral third party, she listens and usually takes the advice.
She complains that she and I can’t talk about these problem issues, but anytime I try to talk to her about it, she gets very upset and talks right over anything I try to say.
She talks while we’re watching TV or movies together, especially during dialogue. If I ask her not to talk during the movie, or go “shhhhh”, she gets visibly angry and sometimes stops watching with me.
She throws things away that shouldn't be thrown away, such as old collectibles, my books/magazines, etc. I ask her to stop and she gets furious.
She is very afraid and suspicious of our neighbors.
She moves my personal belongings around (such as things in my office) and when I ask where they are, she gets very angry and refuses to provide any assistance in finding the item.
On two occasions, the police were called - once because she had struck me and once she had threatened to get violent. She wasn't here when the police arrived, but upon learning that the police were here, she got very upset with me and developed an abnormal fear of me. She proceeded to tell her family members that I called the police and they got on my case because I supposedly had done such a horrible thing.
Among the books I've read that have been helpful are The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
I'll offer more details when I have more time.
If anyone can offer any advice/help, I'd be highly appreciative.
Hi, there may be two issues here. One might be the way you communicate with your wife. I don't say that it is the case, but if she accepts the same advice from a third party, she has refused to take from you, that is a possibility.
However, from the things you describe it is clear that your wife might be suffering from very serious anger issues - which may even point to something more than just anger, yes even a serious mental illness.
The suspicion of neighbors is intriguing. I don't know your neighbors, but it is not a good sign at all - unless they are "totally weird", which I assume is not the case. I won't diagnose, as I am not a professional, but your wife does need to seek professional guidance in dealing with all these issues, that much seems certain. This is no way to treat one's spouse.
If she does not do that, things are very likely to grow worse. And you should not be suffering by the hands of your wife.
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Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths. - Molière
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Adorno
Hi, there may be two issues here. One might be the way you communicate with your wife. I don't say that it is the case, but if she accepts the same advice from a third party, she has refused to take from you, that is a possibility.
However, from the things you describe it is clear that your wife might be suffering from very serious anger issues - which may even point to something more than just anger, yes even a serious mental illness.
The suspicion of neighbors is intriguing. I don't know your neighbors, but it is not a good sign at all - unless they are "totally weird", which I assume is not the case. I won't diagnose, as I am not a professional, but your wife does need to seek professional guidance in dealing with all these issues, that much seems certain. This is no way to treat one's spouse.
If she does not do that, things are very likely to grow worse. And you should not be suffering by the hands of your wife.
Thanks for your feedback. I have read books on mental disorders such as bipolar, and at times have suspected that is what she suffers from. She is in complete denial that she has any problem of any kind. When I confronted her about why she smashes things on the floor or throws things at the wall, she'll either deny that she did that or she'll say something like, "I didn't throw it at the wall, I threw it on the floor".
She apparently uses this refusal to tell me where things are as a way of controlling me. (she does this all the time) For instance, once she did a major cleanup of one of the rooms in our house and afterwards, I couldn't find something that I needed. I asked her where it was and she had an anger outburst in which she got physically violent with our property. This was followed by her physically attacking me and her accusing me of tormenting her with my "where is" questions. So about a week later, there was something else that dawned upon me that I realized I didn't see anywhere in the room that got cleaned up, so I asked her if I could ask her a "where is" question about something that was moved around. She got furious merely at the question and screamed, "No, you've lost your privileges".
A friend suggested a way to counter her refusal to tell me where she moves things to by my taking something of her's and moving it. Then when she asks where it is, just say that I'm not telling her. Gives her a taste of her own medicine and may get her to wake up and see what she's doing. But I see it as me lowering myself to her level. What do others think?
Moving things around will not help at all, if she indeed is bipolar (or suffers from another serious illness).
But if she is bi-polar, does that show also in her sleeping patterns?
Mental illnesses are not illnesses that can be cured easily. And often are made worse by other behaviors, like for instance substance abuse. Which is often a problem even if people with illnesses do receive treatment, and medication to counter the effects of their affliction.
Many factors contribute to anger. However, the two main cotributing factors are geneticas and experiences. I really can’t speak for your wifes genetics. But I have a lot of anger outbursts myself on my partner, but I justify it by saying he piushes me to the limit. But afterwards, I do apologize, and I think to myself, I should know better than to act like that, and I should be able to keep myself under control and not act like that.
One thing that really leads to it is by your wife bottling her emotions. The reason why someone who keeps it all in is because she does not regularly express her hurt feelings, instead of telling you what makes her unhappy, she will keep it in. however, it leads to a point that she will explode, yell, hit, should, etc.
Mostly, what I would say, is that you need to find the root of the anger. But if she cannot recognize that she has a problem that she should be dealing with, then that is what makes the problem unsolvable.
I don’t know your wife, it’s hard for me to predict your situation, so what I say my not apply or might not help, but if it sounds reasonable to your circumstances, then maybe you should consider.
Is this only for you? Or do other people get a glimpse? If someone did get a glimpse of this, and your wife is willing to listen to a third party, why don’t you try to find someone to communicate with her (who she is comfortable with) and advice her in regards to her condition.
Please get her to a doctor to be diagnosed. She is suffering from something and it has to be dealt with. Whether it be bipolar, depression, or if she needs anger management, it's unacceptable behaviour she is displaying right now. She IS being abusive and making excuses for it.
Make the appointment today. Call a friend or a family member to help if you don't want to do this on your own.
This seems to be a very common, too common, problem with women. I am on another thread on this marriage section the thread is called "Is it time to leave?", and the women's behaviors couldn't be more similar if they where were the same person.
We are calling it "rage" on that thread, but it's the same issue you are having with your wife.
Mental illness has crossed my mind, as a possible reason for my fiancées behavior and bipolar disorder does run in her family.
Now the impossible part, to get them to admit they have a problem so that they can then make the decision to seek help for it.
Yeah right!!!
The only way I think one can deal with this type of situation is, prison camp style. What I mean by that is, that you have to get past their defenses, break them down, and recondition them. This sound like a very sexist statement but you have to not think of it not in terms of women and men but patient and physician.
Imagine you where on a deserted island and your loved one needed medical attention, with no doctor around, wouldn't you do everything in your power to save their lives? If you had access to medical journals, wouldn't you learn how best to treat them?
If they fought treatment wouldn't you not give it to them anyway against their will? Especially if you believed they were not of sound mind and so incapable of making the right decision for themselves. How is this different?
Getting a friend (third party that they might listen to) to talk with them and have them address the issue is not that easy. I've had my fiancées best friend tell me how she sees the problem, hates the way she treats me, sides with me, thinks my fiancée should seek help to correct her behavior problems but when it come to it she chickens out for fear of getting some of what I get. So I have been, on many occasions, left "holding the bag" so to speak.
Her folks have tried to warn me about how their daughter is but it's a little late for warnings after you love someone. What exactly are you expected to do, run away? If you were talking about a stranger, then yeah. I don't purposely associate with people like that and would not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone, but the woman you love is in a completely different category than strangers, friends, or even family. You could walk way from strangers or just hurt them back. You could talk to your friends and work something out without it getting too ugly, or just drop them if you can't resolve anything. You can just ignore a crazy family member and they will still be your family.
If you love someone, you will fight, sometime with her, to keep her in your life. You will put up with a lot more than anyone else can understand, because they don't share the bond you do with her. My Mom stayed with my Dad through years of abuse and I didn't even understand why, still don't. She claims that he eventually changed his ways, shows her love now and they are happy. Took long enough. I am not as patient nor nice as my Mom, I love my woman with all my heart but will make sure she is at least on the path to change on a constant and will fight back when attached. There is no formula or guarantee to a long term relationship, I don't know if we will make it or if I will loose the good fight, but I will do the only thing I can, I will try.
Sorry, don't mean to ramble on, just a little justafication to help me keep strong. Running away is the easiest thing to do, but sometime the easiest thing to do is not the best. Only you know for sure what you can handle and if she's worth it or not.
The only way I think one can deal with this type of situation is, prison camp style. What I mean by that is, that you have to get past their defenses, break them down, and recondition them. This sound like a very sexist statement but you have to not think of it not in terms of women and men but patient and physician.
If they fought treatment wouldn't you not give it to them anyway against their will?
Have you seen "The Horse Whisperer"?
Anyways, back to the OP....
I have had a lot of anger and rage issues in my personal life and I chose to get counseling. I have rage issues stemming from childhood sexual and physical abuse, rape, and physically abusive relationships as an adult.
Sadly, just because you get counseling doesn't make the problem magically disappear. I've been in therapy on and off for 8 years now. I'm only 26 years old. I've been accused of being bipolar, but I was diagnosed with PTSD.
Do you know anything about your wife's past? Is she able to talk at all about her anger?
If it has gotten to the point where you resent her too much for what she's done, you may need to leave. I don't like saying this, but I think my exH and I splitting up allowed us to leave on amicable terms. Somewhat.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
But every now and then, something triggers an anger outburst, during which she is verbally abusive towards me and occasionally gets physically violent.
Run, run as fast as you can.
Get the hell out.. of there.
Physical violence is a very serious issue.....because it can escalate. She may continue to push the limits when she's in the middle of her rages and seriously injure herself, you or another person.
The business with road rage is truly terrifying.
She needs counseling. NOT "when there's time" or "when she makes her mind up". She needs it NOW
She must have some bottled up issues that are surfacing now and she needs to deal with them.
Sit her down and tell her you find her outbursts and physical actions very frightening and you are scared for the marriage.
Do not attack or be critical. Tell her it's important to you that two people be able to communicate in a 'safe' environment. The environment she is creating with her rages are not going to make you feel 'safe' with regards to expressing yourself. It will cause you to shut down and the marriage will end up detiorating.
Try not to blame. Let her know you understand she is stressed and having a difficult time. Ask her if she knows what it's related to.
If she refuses to discuss this, tell her that if she is not willing to save the marriage, you both may need to consider other options.
It would be interesting for you to videotape one of these outbursts..........the play it and show her what she looks like when she is out of control!
You speak gospel reddog63, I had thought of that. But gotta remember that you are thinking like a rational thinking human being and another rational thinking human being would probably see the video of themselves and say, "OMG, is that how I look when I fly off the handle, I'm sorry, I'll try to correct my behavior". Right, or something like that?
The women we are dealing with might be more inclined to say something like, "oh what and your perfect" or "you are such an a-hole for doing that to me, I hate you, don't talk to me for the rest of the day" or "you're gonna pay for that" or "oh, you think that's mean, you haven't seen how mean I can be" or any combination of the above or they might just throw the tape at your head.
Why is it that every man I know always thinks the issue is limited to whatever is currently going on?
Anyways, if you plan on doing the spiteful tit for tat thing, get away from your W asap. It will escalate into a dangerous situation.
I was talking to my exBF yesterday who is in therapy for anger management because of an incident where things escalated between us and he choked me until I was unconscious. He was baffled when the therapist told him he acted arrogant and was difficult to deal with. Here he had been thinking that it was all me....
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Wife gets furious (and sometimes physically violent) when I ask innocuous questions
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