[cezanne]

I have been in a relationship with a married man for the last 14 years .. am now 4o .. I already know better than anyone what a waste for time that has been but I physically cannot leave this man .. he is the love of my life and even if we were not together I cannot imagine myself with anyone else.

But now as much I as love him and feel loved by him I cannot continue to be second fiddle anymore .. i no longer enjoy the amazing life we lead as all I want to do with him is to watch tv .. cook dinner .. and have someone to share the ordinary things in life . Something happened recently which highlighted the big nothing I really am and it brought things to a head ... so at this time I am in a bit of a state ... I don't want to go back to that life ... .but I can't live without him and yet nothing will ever change and as I write this I am waiting for his phone call but really want this time to be different which is why I am telling this story for the first time ever. Nobody can tell me anything I haven't already told myself .. that he has the best of both worlds .. what a selfish person he must be etc .. but I just can't seem to move on.

We have worked together for about 15 years .. were placed on projects together and fell head over heels in love .. we really are to this day "just mad about each other " .. we really are .. we see each other every single day .. we talk ninety to the dozen .. we laugh and laugh .. we cry .. we like all the same things .. it really is one of those tragic situations .. he has always been there in times of need .. like when my parents died he just dropped everything and even when I have been upset at something lesser like a row at work so I can't claim not to have that type of support. We manage to travel a lot together .. have had the most amazing trips .. this relationship is a complete meeting of minds .. not primarily sexual.

So what about his wife... well because we worked together I have been integrated into the family but have tried to stay away as much as possible .. and instead of berating me ... it makes everything much harder for me to bear but it also means that I would never suggest he leaves her or his children as I can see that it is just not an option . It really is impossible to leave a marriage unless it is unbearable. He says he wants me to be a part of all of his life ...I know all his family and friends ... nobody at all knows about us so I feel that there is no humiliation for her. And I really really believe our relationship has in fact kept them together and made him nicer to her if anything. He is quite wealthy so she has a good life but he has never spent a penny on me .. something that has always hurt me ...

I don't need an analysis of my situation but what I really really need help with now is how to break away ... I cannot leave my job as we work in a specialised area - because of this big secret I more or less have no close friendships anymore and he is the centre of my life and the one and only person to know absolutely everything about me .. that is so hard to give up. I light up when he speaks to me .. when he rings .. I am empty without him .. I truly love him and I am in no doubt he truly loves me, even though I am sure I will be told he doesn't .. believe me he does .. but can justify it all in his head .. ( not saying this right though ) .. because I am the one he loves he thinks I am therefore the lucky one!! ...

It has been off before .. I have done everything I can to get away including leaving my job .. but then couldn't find another one so had to go back .... moved areas ... but we always end up back together. Sometimes in life you meet one person whom you can get through just anything with and we are that person to each other. So how am I going to stay away from him ... I am a distant person .. people annoy me at the best of times ..I am not being dramatic saying I will not meet someone else .. I really don;'t think I will but yet I cannot do this type of relationship any more and I don't want to be just a friend .. and him leaving is just not an option... far too many people would be hurt ... and to be honest I can't even be 100 percent sure I would want that .. I am so used to my own ways now ....will I just slit my wrists now and be done with it ... or can anyone out there see another option i just can't see. By the way for my own family reasons leaving the country not an option for me either ..
Help me someone ..

[BUTAFLY]

post this in the -other woman/other man fourm. many ladies in your shoes can help you there. I cant help because Im in no better situation. I too am addicted to a man and going through withdrawl.